My fiancé and I (47M and 46F) have been together 3 years, engaged since January, wedding is in less than 3 months. His mom and I have always gotten along really well and enjoyed each other’s company. She spoke well of me and told people how good I was for her son. She lives across the country but we talked on the phone frequently. She and her son (only child, and she’s not married) speak at least 3-4 times a week.
My fiancé proposed in January, and after that we spent a romantic and intimate couple of days together and didn’t answer the phone or really even get dressed. When we finally emerged and he answered the phone, he announced the engagement and referred to “her future daughter in law”. She didn’t react so he said it again. She said “I heard you”. That’s it. No congratulations, no wanting to see the ring, just “I heard you”. We kinda shrugged it off and went on with the day.
Early the next morning, he got a call from her boyfriend saying that she’d taken a lot of pills and was in the hospital. She’d left a tearful message on his phone in the middle of the night saying “goodbye my love”. Of course he had to go to her because he boyfriend told us she was “touch and go” and might not make it. However, by the time he got there, she’d already been released to psych and the doctor indicated that she’d never been in danger of dying.
Of course we offered much support and love, and she seemed fine when we visited again a few months later. But she was completely uninterested in hearing our wedding plans or discussing anything. It’s not like we made the whole visit about our wedding, it came up exactly once in 4 days and she completely shut down. We went to sit in the hot tub and she weirdly came out to sit with us (uh, mom, we’re trying to have some private time!) I asked her to hold my ring since I forgot to take it off and she wasn’t in the water, and she just tossed it on a little table. Ok, whatever.
Now it’s a couple months to the wedding and she still acts like a petulant child every time it comes up. We offered to pay for plane tickets and a hotel because she complained about the expense for “this wedding of yours”. She agreed to accept but wanted to stay quite a while after the wedding to “visit”. We offered to have her come earlier to spend time because after the wedding we’re doing a couple days at home together as newlyweds and then taking a honeymoon so we don’t really need company. She was upset because then she’d be “stuck doing wedding stuff”.
I just don’t get it. We’re not kids. He’s lived 2000 miles away from her for years. I thought she liked me. But she’s acting like one of those weird “boy moms” like I’m taking her son away from her.
To my fiancé’s credit, he is not really entertaining her childishness, but I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried including her on the group chat where my mom and daughter and SIL have been talking about things, showing each other pictures of dresses and cakes and decorations, and she didn’t participate so we stopped trying to include her. Well then she felt left out so we included her again, and she removed herself from the chat because “her phone pinged all day” even though at this stage of planning it’s like 3 texts a week.
Am i imagining things here, or does she seem jealous of the attention her son is rightfully showing me? How do I resolve this so she doesn’t ruin my wedding by pulling some drama like she did after the engagement?
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Seems like an attention seeking old lady trying to act old and fragile
She clearly has a personality disorder, like borderline, histrionic, and/or narcissistic personality. Yes, one can have traits of all these disorders. Do your research.
You aren’t imagining things. She has extremely inappropriate, attention seeking, irrational behavior. Do not under any circumstances give it any merit.
You cannot resolve it. She is a personality disordered person, which means she has a lifelong and pervasive issue here. You need to tell her to get a grip or she can’t come to the wedding. I guarantee you, she will be emotionally abusive and disruptive if she attends. She pretended to attempt and be near death via suicide for attention, she literally will continue to do that and worse.
There is a reason I’m sure your fiancé lived 2000 miles away from her.
Hear me out… Some women think of their sons as husbands. The fact that you were having time away being “intimate” she tired to “kiljherself” (bet she took one pill if any at all it was all for show anyway) He’s getting married so to her he’s gone. She gets an attitude about the wedding because it makes her upset. There are some women who act like their sons are their husbands and wish they could be but can’t say that. I’m telling you it happens alllllll the damn time. It’s so beyond gross and I’m not sure what mental illnesses that is but it’s bad. The best part about this is that your husband doesn’t even care!!!! Most of these men will bend to their mothers will and push the wife aside and a lot of them take it tbh. Idk how. They don’t realize that they have a husband problem and then a mil problem. So, the good news is that your husband is a good one! Of course I could be wrong but this shit does happen so just in case you know about it. Good luck!! Don’t let her come between you two!!!! That’s exactly what she wants.
This is a version of what the fine folks at r/justnomil call “Christmas Cancer” – when borderlines need attention so they pretend they’re dying. Drop the rope and stop trying w her. You don’t need this!
Honestly you need to just stop. All communication is through your fiancé now. You can’t solve this. Just don’t let it even live rent free in your head. You future husband needs to address all inappropriate behavior and communication.
She’s pissed her son is getting married but she isn’t. She’s angry her boyfriend hasn’t proposed.
Let. Her. Go.
Thank goodness, your fiancé is not entertaining her nonsense.
I am part of the aging parents sub, and unfortunately parents who sabotage their health in order to get attention from their adult children is common. I’ve read about parents who will end up breaking a bone or otherwise hurting themselves anytime their
adult child is about to take their family on vacation. It kind of sounds like that’s what your future MIL is doing. So sad.
I would stop talking about the wedding with her and stop trying to invite her or offer to buy plane tickets. Let it rest for a while. I have to wonder if as the event draws closer, she will reach out to her son and ask about plans. If not, you will probably have a happier wedding day if she stays at home.
> How do I resolve this so she doesn’t ruin my wedding by pulling some drama like she did after the engagement?
I mean, you can’t. She can say or do whatever she wants. The good news is your fiance is on to her and isn’t caving. Maybe talk about what you’ll do if she has another emergency close to or at the wedding and have a plan in place. Who will be in charge of her if her tummy hurts and she has to go to the hospital? Because it won’t be either of you. All you can do is protect your peace; ultimately you cannot control her behavior.
If she doesn’t want to visit prior to the wedding then fine. Hold your ground on not hosting visitors immediately after. Sounds like you two and your fiance are on the same page which is key. Keep it up.
>We went to sit in the hot tub and she weirdly came out to sit with us (uh, mom, we’re trying to have some private time!)
Wait, were you visiting her at her home? If so, she’s allowed to come outside to a common space.
Maybe she just wanted to know that he was going to do it, before he did it
You just have to ignore her, no point in feeding into her delusions. Every time you answer or go running to her, you’re giving her exactly what she wants, when unfortunately in these situations you have to ‘be cruel to be kind’
When she pulls stupid stunts (lies basically!) your SO can say how glad he is that boyfriend is there to look after her as wedding planning is busy work
If she wants to see SO, teach her how to FaceTime. And lastly, be ready for her to wear a white dress to the wedding 🙄🤦🏼♀️
You say she’s not arrived…was she ever married?
She thinks you are taking her “baby” away. The relationship will change and she will not be the primary female in his life. You can’t do anything. Your husband can establish firm boundaries which he seems to be doing.