I’m in a happy 3-year relationship with my girlfriend. We recently moved in together, and if all goes well, I’ll start looking for rings soon. Even though I’m in love with her, I still have dreams about someone I used to love.
That relationship wasn’t healthy. She was already in a relationship, and I was just the friend with benefits. We ended things, but 9 years later, she’s still on my mind and sometimes shows up in my dreams.
I’m not sure if it’s because I liked the idea that she would choose me for sex over her boyfriend, or if I miss the thrill of knowing our relationship was risky and wrong. I know it’s messed up, and I hate waking up from these dreams.
I truly love my girlfriend, and I feel guilty whenever I think about this person.
Is this normal? Am I a horrible? Has anyone felt like this?
Comments
Dreams ≠ desire. Your brain just replays unfinished stories.
Normal. Don’t worry about it.
Same happened to me
One of my biggest fears, that a man is with me and still hung up on a girl from his past.
What would you want her to do if the roles were reversed?
My man you’d be not normal if you didn’t have dreams or things like this. the questions of “what if it played out different” plague people all the time. you liked her. You cared about her. People who say “I have no feelings for them whatsoever” are mostly lying. While the feelings may not be the same. You always feel something for them.
It happens. There’s a man I want nothing to do with who literally ruined my first marriage, and I think about him all the time, maybe even daily. I haven’t even communicated with him at all in ten years.
I’ve done the same. Horrible ex who was a piece of work, and the sex was even mediocre but I still sometimes catch myself thinking about him
It is totally normal to still think about an ex even years later especially if it was intense or complicated. It does not mean you love your current partner any less or that you are a bad person it is just your brain processing old memories. As long as you stay committed and happy with your girlfriend it is nothing to feel guilty about.
Super normal buddy. Could be your brain associating a certain smell or sight with her or could be nothing. Or you still love her. Have you decided to tell your girl?
The more guilty you make yourself feel the more you’ll obsess over the thoughts you’re having. O ly you know what you’re thinking. If you truly just randomly have thoughts about the ex. Just accept it and keep it moving. You obviously had some time of good memory and it’s ok for thoughts to cross your brain, you used to love her. Now, accept that. It’s ok. Now you love your woman. And you’re loyal and not shady. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
unfortunately its normal. Especially when you had an exclusive experience with that person youve never had with anyone else. Don’t feel guilty about it, I had the same thing last night and we only dated for 1 month in feb. You’ll get through it.
It’s been 25 years and I still love and miss my 1st love
I’ve been with them for about 12 years now, I also have a wonderful relationship today. but our unconscious has no logical time, what hurts insists, appears and especially in dreams! The thing is, you don’t need to feel one thing OR another. The fact that you are healing from a feeling does not cancel out that you love your current partner. Don’t worry, you’re a human person, just don’t let it enter your literal life, like looking for someone else, then it’s shit, if not, let it go and feel whatever you have to feel.
Every man in this world have one woman in his mind for his entire life. It doesn’t matter how many women will pass… she will still be in his min. Don’t feel guilty.
I must be abnormal as I never even think about my ex …. Married 15 years & 2 kids ….
Been happily married for 38 years this time (maybe it’s because my kids basically never talk to her)
I had dreams for many years after a 5 year relationship. To this day I have memories.
Then another 5 year and I still often remember the great O s I was having years ago with him, specific details too. I taught him after his wife hadn’t taught him a thing, no wonder they got divorced.
The best part for me was the sex. I dont dream of him though. Still great memories, . Is this other girl in a serious relationship now?
I think aboot my ex every day. I thought I’d FINALLY made the brave choice by leaving him (abuse) after he’d broken his promises to seek therapy multiple times… and then he knocked up the next girl and gave his son the name I WANTED FOR OURS. 🖕🖕🖕
Love is love. You will always love that said person regardless if you are happy in a relationship, marriage etc. It could be desire but also its natural human nature,
We fall in love with many in our lifetime. Just because it didn’t workout doesnt mean that love wasn’t real. You will always love them. You can’t unlove someone no matter how hard you try,.
you should listen to wet dreams – the growlers. describes this exact situation lol
TL;DR: You’re fixated on an old toxic situationship that gave you an ego boost, but that doesn’t make you horrible – just human. Look, this is way more common than you think. That wasn’t really a relationship – it was a toxic situationship that fed your ego in a pretty intense way. She chose you for intimacy over her actual boyfriend, which probably felt like the ultimate validation. Add the forbidden thrill and secrecy, and your brain basically got addicted to those feelings. No wonder it’s still rattling around up there after 9 years. The fact that you feel guilty shows you’re not a bad person. You’re not actively pursuing her or sabotaging your current relationship – you’re just dealing with intrusive thoughts and dreams you can’t control. But here’s the thing: holding onto this fantasy is keeping you from being fully present with someone who actually chooses you every single day, not just for secret hookups. You might want to dig into why you’re still drawn to that dynamic. Was it just the ego boost, or are you maybe…
Deeper lens: it may be a shadow part asking to be heard kindly.
I had a dream last night about an ex which was the worst relationship i ever had sometimes your brain just does that. I was feeling bad about it but i read the word subconscious today and it made me feel better. You literally have no control over it so don’t beat yourself up about it. Cherish your current gf. Goodluck
Intake pravosin for PTSD dreams of an abusive ex and bad drug addict past. It stops the dreams and helps could look into that but mostly I think it’s just a desire you have on you mind that pops by
Your brain stores old emotions, that’s it 🧠
TL;DR: You’re not horrible for having lingering thoughts about an ex, but those dreams about your affair are probably more about the forbidden thrill than actual love. Hey, you’re definitely not a horrible person – brains are weird and we can’t control what we dream about. But I think you’ve already figured out what’s really going on here. You said it yourself – you might miss “the thrill of knowing our relationship was risky and wrong.” That’s not love, that’s addiction to drama and validation. The fact that she’d choose you for sex while having a boyfriend gave you an ego boost, and part of you still craves that high. The thing is, what you had wasn’t real intimacy – it was sneaking around and using each other. What you have now with your girlfriend sounds like actual partnership and love. Those are totally different feelings, so of course your brain sometimes misses the adrenaline rush of the affair. Here’s what might help: when you catch yourself thinking about the ex, try redirecting to something you genuinely appreciate about your…
Deeper lens: it may be a shadow part asking to be heard kindly.
So, have you ever been afraid of commitment before this and your brain brings this up to trick you into not settling down and starting a family?
R u sure u love your current gf. I think you just comfortable with her around and of the idea of having someone to share life with but not really deeply in love. Her presence doesn’t thrill you.