My wife and I have been married for eight years, we’ve always been a good team,communicative supportive. We had our routines our space and a quiet rhythm that made home feel like home
Last year when her mom got sick I didn’t hesitate I said yes when she asked if she could move in It felt like the right thing. Family steps up, I wanted to be that kind of partner
The plan was short term a few months to help her get back on her feet. That was ten months ago
Since then everything’s changed. Her mom slowly took over the spaces, she reorganized the kitchen and pantry without asking. She comments on how I clean and how I cook, the living room is basically hers now with the TV blaring every night. I’ve started spending most of my evenings in the bedroom just to get some peace
There’s no privacy she just walks into our room without knocking. She joins our weekend plans without asking. Intimacy is gone. We haven’t had sex in months and we barely get time alone. I brought it up gently and said we might need to set some boundaries. My wife said it’s not forever and to be patient
But it’s been nearly a year and it doesn’t feel temporary anymore. I feel like I’m being pushed out of my own life. Like I don’t belong in the home we built together
Last night I finally said something. I told her I love her but I feel like a stranger here. Like we’re just roommates around her mom instead of a couple. That I miss her and I miss us. She got defensive and said I was being selfish and that her mom needs us. Maybe that’s true
But what about what we need. What about our marriage
Now she’s cold. Her mom won’t speak to me. The house feels heavier than it ever has. And I’m stuck wondering if I messed everything up just by asking for space in the place I used to feel safe
AITA for saying her mom’s extended stay is slowly pushing me out of my own home?
Comments
NTA for speaking your truth. Were you respectful and kind?
NTA. You signed up for a few months, not a permanent third roommate who takes over the place. Wanting boundaries in your own home isn’t selfish, it’s common sense
NTA. Your wife is too enmeshed with her mom to see the truth that her mom’s presence is doing extensive, possibly fatal, damage to your marriage. I know it’s a bit of a cliche here on Reddit, but please try to get your wife to agree to couples counseling.
NTA…. Move your mother in too and see how she likes it
NTA
Your wife’s cold and her mom won’t speak to you. Personally, I wouldn’t want to live in that environment. I’d give it one more shot at a conversation with your wife. See if you can set a deadline for her mom leaving. If it goes badly, you should consider moving out if you can afford to do so. Go stay with a friend or family for a while.
Your wife is going to have to make a decision. But I don’t think she will until she sees that there are real consequences. And be prepared, she may chose her mom.
Stand strong. Speak in a calm and respectful voice and don’t sweep this under the carpet. Bring it up no less than weekly. Always super calmly, never with a vibe of exasperation. Put a lock on your bedroom door. Consider calling for a family meeting with the three of you and serenely laying out some requests and boundaries. I can’t imagine that making it worse than it already is. You have reason on your side. If it does get worse or no improvement, calmly tell your wife you’re going to find yourself temporary accommodations. And/or couples counseling. NTA
I was in a similar situation a couple of years back, the only differences being we lasted 5 weeks and it was my wife that threw her own mom out.
Absolutely NTA!
I would no longer tolerate this..tell her mum it s time to move out ’cause now you know she ll never leave. If you wife makes a fuss, tell her to take mommy with her.
NTA, but if they are giving you the silent treatment. You should just call it out in front of both of them. That her mom has destroyed your marriage and that all they have done is prove that you aren’t needed in the relationship
NTA It’s time to put an exit plan in place. Make sure you have separate accounts close any joint accounts that you have. If you own your home together, speak to an attorney about a divorce and forcing the sale of the house. Then sit your wife and her mother down and explain how you feel. If her mother is ready and willing to move out, that’s a good first step. Then you and your wife can go to couples counseling but if they don’t recognize that the current dynamic is ruining your marriage. It’s time to implement the exit plan.
Now it’s time to say, “You’ve had time to think about things. Where do we go from here, because right now there is no us?. It’s you and your mom against me. I’m going on a vacation by myself, your mother needs you. “
NTA. I can understand your feelings, my mother-in-law stayed at my house for over four months last year. During the period, the house felt even more cramped because we also had two young children, but only two bedrooms, no sex for more than 4 months.
Updateme
NTA. This is VERY binary. Either she stays or she goes. The only other variable is time. Here is what that means. I had a similar situation. My partner defended the “visitor”. I gave the “visitor” a superbly generous deadline. The day came and went with the visitor still there. I extended the deadline but changed the outcome. If the visitor didn’t leave by the new date, my partner would no longer have me in their life. And just like that, my partner pulled up their bootstraps and helped engineer a tidy exit for the visitor. My roof, my rules. I am a patient human, but I WILL NOT BE USED. Nor should you be. EVER.
Next, sit down with both of them and ask when her mom is planning to move out. Likely, you’ll be met with anger and denial, but keep asking the question. What is planned and when? Next, state to both that you want to reclaim your home and happy place. Her mother is NOT welcome in your bedroom, ever. Nor is she welcome on all dates out. Start taking back your space and pile MIL’S things by her room, or box it up. Put up a camera inside and start calling out MIL if/when she invades your space. Last, if there is too much push back, refusal, etc. Tell your wife one of you is moving out until she agrees to marital counseling. Good luck.
NTA This is all on your wife. She obviously cares more about her mother than her marriage. Get out while you don’t have kids NTA.
NTA your wife needs a reality check! Helping family is temporary but at the cost of your own marital peace? That’s stupidity. Protect your marriage make alternative arrangements for her mom
NTA Time to leave! Permanently!
NTA!! She is not considering you in this at all. I would start by rearranging the kitchen back to what it was. Can you set a timer on the TV so it goes off at 8 and then only you have access to it? Make her start to feel like the burden she is.
However the main issue is, you don’t have your wife’s support. So no matter what, you will be the meanie. Unless you completely cave.
Give MIL 3 months to move out, and in the meantime, give yourself 3 months to prepare to leave if need be, as in, move out, plan for divorce etc. And maybe tell your wife a condition for not kicking her mother out yesterday, is couples counselling. That is mandatory for the next 3 months at least, but keep your 3 month exit plans quiet for now so she doesn’t lie to get you to stay.
Or something like that. Maybe 6 months, maybe a year. But it sounds like nothing will change until you set something in motion. If she doesn’t support you in this, that tells you a lot.
NTA
You are not in the wrong in any way. You are trying to prioritize the health of your marriage.
Is it possible to renovate a space to make an in law suite?
Have you tried telling your wife that you two need alone time on the weekends — that this is especially important now that you don’t have that time in the home? Your wife 100% needs to set boundaries with her mom. Her just walking into your bedroom is a no-go. Can you set up a tv in her mom’s room so that she can watch tv there in the evening?
Discussions up front would have avoided any issues. That ship has sailed . My MIL moved in with us and she was fine. She did laundry for the family , cooked , cleaned and insisted on paying the cable bill if 100 dollars a month .
She had her own bedroom, living room and sitting area . She stayed with us for 10 years and was an absolute saint.
My wife and I had more time together than ever before. Intimacy was great. We discussed the arrangements before hand to avoid any issues .
Discuss with your wife your issues and see how receptive she is , don’t be confrontational. It will be a nightmare . Good luck 🍀.
info: What’s wrong with the MIL? What’s the health reason she’s still with you after almost a year?
But either way, it sounds like she should be moving out. Into a home or her own place. Tending towards NTA, but won’t make a final judgement until I know what’s up. If the MIL is seriously ill, I would understand your wife’s reaction and find it weird how you framed it. Not that she still shouldn’t move into a home, but then you’d argue that she needs professional support, not that you’re overwhelmed and want her out. Suggest solutions and include her in your considerations or you’ll seem selfish, even if you’re right.
Bloods thicker than water. Time to move on.
Nope. Time to pack your bags buddy, wake her ass up.
NTA. Home is man’s last resort for comfort not annoyances and setting boundaries is necessarily not optional.
NTA. Youre mils wants/needs are not more important then your own, you didnt sign up for this bullshit.
Yes thats what your wife has allowed this situation to turn into, bullshit.
Id have a honest but blunt decussion with your wife one more time, and make your future plans based on how she reacts…not what she says, what she does.