So I 14f never met my bio parents, I don’t know who they were until a week ago, I was with someone for the first three years of my life (after what I’ve been told from my social worker) and then I only remember the orphanage until I got adopted at 8 by my now dads, a gay couple. I call the older one of them dad and the younger one papa.
I’m from what I’ve heard is that my bio parents had the resources to raise me but didn’t want to, so they gave me up.
For the last two years I self harmed because i felt like I was being a bad daughter since I was really bad in school lately. I’m in therapy because of that now, and then our social worker called us, explaining that my bio parents want back into my life, they were never there so??? I said no, I have my family and I don’t need them now because of god who knows what suddenly occurred to them to want me.
Now where I might be the AH, I send them a letter, insulted them, and said that I hate them and have loving parents already and I don’t need my egg donor and sperm donor now.
I do feel a little guilty but I don’t want them in my life now, should I reconsider or leave it as it is because I’ve been crying and feeling guilty, what if my dads think I don’t love them anymore?
(I’m sorry if this is incoherent, I’m just pretty emotional and English isn’t my first language)
Comments
You are not wrong for protecting your heart and choosing the family that has been there for you. It is natural to feel angry and hurt when people who abandoned you suddenly want back in. Feeling guilty does not mean you made the wrong choice it just means you care deeply about your relationships now. Your dads will likely understand that your decision is about keeping your life safe and stable not about loving them any less
You’ve been through so much, and it’s okay to set boundaries with people who weren’t there for you. Healing is about putting your well-being first, not about giving chances to people who hurt you before. Take your time to process and talk it through with your therapist.
NTA. It is totally understandable to not want people who got rid of you in your life going forward. It is totally your choice, but I would imagine that your dads who wanted you in their life would be okay with it if it made you happy. They would not be insulted or think you don’t love them. They will also be okay and protect you from unwanted intrusion as well if that is your choice. That is what good parents do.
Talk to your dads about this. Honestly and fully. They love you and want to hear your opinion. They might want to go to family counseling or have you go to individual counseling. Don’t resist it. You need someone to talk to, who will understand your situation without being in the middle of it.
You need to talk to your therapist as to why you’re self harming.
Yta for writing this letter like that to them. There was absolutly no reason for that.
Nta for picking your family over strangers.
No is a complete sentence.
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Your feelings are valid. I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. Talk to your dads. Talk to your therapist.
You’re NTA for not wanting your biological parents in your life.
NTA. You had a choice here between feeling guilty and becoming responsible for a stranger’s feelings.
You can process guilt on your own. You’d have a lot more difficulty processing the resentment of being forced into a relationship with someone who didn’t want to have you.
I’d want to actually hear the reason for giving you up from them. Everyone else can say what they want but don’t really know the truth.
NTA
You shouldn’t let them have any control over your emotions either
You should have them in your life so you can milk them for money and gifts. They’ll buy you a car and pay the college when the time comes, plus good stuff before then too
talk to your therapists and your dads, much better resources than reddit.
you haven’t done anything wrong. you’re 14 and emotions run high. whatever emotions you’re feeling is valid
the letter is sent, leave that as it is. you are entitled to your peace, you are entitled to your anger. they have no right to your peace, your emotions or your time.
no matter what you do, your Dads (dad and papa) will always be therefore you, i know this because my friends are “that” couple (they are the dads to two adopted kids), they chose you, just as you are choosing them. in a twisted way, you have a wonderful gift that you have chosen each other, most of us don’t get to pick our parents, some (like my wife) are unlucky enough to be stuck with real assholes that she has to cut out of her life. the point is, this is entirely YOUR choice, no one should make you feel guilty for protecting your peace.
I’m glad your getting help for the self harm, and that you have parents who love you.
The social worker should have never told you that your sperm donor and egg donor had the resources to care for you and chose not to. Not only was that WILDLY inappropriate, but they do not know what was going on in their life at the time, or if they actually had the money to raise you. It also takes way more than money to raise a kid.
It is up to you on if you want to reconsider. You can use the opportunity to find out WHY they gave you up and then wanted you 14 years later, IF that is important to you.
Your Dads chose you, they wanted to adopt YOU. I think, no matter what you choose about your egg donor and sperm donor, they will continue to love you, support you, and know you love them.
NTA. At this point I dont care to have my dad in my life. In fact none of his at least 6 kids do.
I wouldnt want to meet them either.
NTA though you may want to get family medical history from your bio donors. Like if cancer or heart disease or immune problems run in either of their families.
Im glad youre in therapy rn because with everything youve dealt with and are currently dealing with you do need a safe, neutral place to talk through it all.
Your bio parents must have expected that this could have been your reaction, not only are you at the age where all your emotions are loud and hard to articulate gently, but they really, truly hurt you.
I recommend, if youre comfortable, talking to a few people. First your dads, you only said a little about them but you seem to love and trust each other and maybe they can provide you some comfort.
Second, maybe consider speaking to your social worker on the off chance that theyre trying to warn you about something important like a medical condition in the family, they might be able to find out without you talking to your bio parents directly.
Youre nta, youre very hurt and responding naturally to what youve been through.
NTA- talk to your dad and papa. Quit hurting yourself. I used to do that too and it’s so not worth it. Seek out love and healing. It’s okay to say, I’m feeling unloved, I’m feeling like I hate myself, I need someone to help me work through this right now. Try it. Please.
I’m a fellow teen and you have every right to be mad at them, they gave you up not the other way around, they hold no right to know you and you don’t have to know them but please tell your dads about this stuff let it all out, your parents need to know what’s wrong
NTA. You’re the only one who gets to decide whether you want a relationship with them or not. It is totally valid to never want to see them or know anything about them. Good for you for setting a boundary, even if it came off harsh, it seems warranted.
Keep up the therapy and work to heal, and keep investing in the relationships that are good for you.
NTA, and they knew you would be resentful. Look at it this way. You have 4 people who want to be in your life. Some people have zero. As much as you might resent the +2, you need to see this as the fortunate situation that it is.
Your egg and sperm donor can give you insight. Not everyone is ready at the moment of truth. Not everyone can be that much of an adult when the time comes. And yes you are owed this story.
The other reason if you are open to meeting has to do with your own heath history. You may have more in common with your lineage than you could ever foresee, notwithstanding health concerns.
I would just reach out that it was very hard news to receive, and you need time to process all of this.
I guarantee they have always loved you and wondered about you. I am sure they worried about the decision and regret it. They certainly want the best for you.
With all this said, live your life on your own terms. My only advice is to keep an open critical thinking mind, and live your life with no regrets. No regrets is the most important life choice ever.
Everyone on here wants you to get better from self harm.
As an adopted kid: you owe them nothing. I’d talk to your dads about how your feeling too.
NTA – They were pieces of crap that gave you up and had the audacity to act like they can come back. They should have fucked off and never returned.
NTA. You are young and seem restless, you need good friends to talk to.
NTA
You have absolutely no responsibility or obligation to your biological parents. They likely want money from you or one of your body parts.
I recommend talking to your family and possibly a family therapist if you can
you’re having a. hard time right now, and no one blames you. talking about your feelings and emotions right now will make it easier for a decision to be made on better circumstances with less regret by working through it all
you still may not want to meet them, and that’s okay because that’s not the goal here
this isnt about changing your mind, this is about working through it all so you can have a clearer head to be able to figure out how you actually feel and have less regret when you find out the decisions you want to make and less feelings of guilt and shame.
and it still most likely means towards not meeting thrm, and that’s okay. and if you changed your mind, that would be okay, too.
starting the healing process and discovering how you feel and how to navigate these situations will help you stand by what you choose and make it easier on you
and you don’t have to do that alone
your family took you in and loves you, please talk to them.
NTA. We all do things out of hurt, and you have a lot of hurt. It sounds like what you did was genuine and probably a bit cathartic. It doesn’t sound like you sought to hurt your bio parents, but moreso that you needed to get that off your chest. And getting things off your chest can sometimes result in intense emotions as you decompress. I’d recommend talking openly and honestly about your feelings with your dad, papa, and therapist.