Hi, I really need some advice or guidance on how to approach this situation. I feel as if my relationship has come to a standstill and I’m starting to resent my boyfriend.
I don’t want to use any personal names so I’m going to call my boyfriend Jake for this.
Me (24F) and Jake (27M) have been together for about 2 and a half years now. I must add that this is Jake’s first relationship and I’m his first girlfriend. We moved in with each other about a year into the relationship. I originally didn’t want to live with him until we were together a bit longer but my apartment I had got infested with roaches and I had no where else to go. I broke the lease in July 2024, they sent my rent to collections without my knowledge and now I can’t get a place on my own unless I found a private landlord. (this comes into play later) Jake found a place and we both moved there together in December 2024.
We set certain boundaries and certain chores for the house hold based off of what we didn’t like to do. Example: I hate dishes but love doing laundry. He didn’t care to do dishes but hated to laundry. At first things were okay but the more I spent time around him, the more I noticed things I didn’t previously when I would go spend the nights at his old place with his roommate.
We had our anniversary in march 2025, and I thought maybe he was going to pop the question to me since he had talked about proposing and wedding plans etc. I will say I had my hopes up abit here. When he gave me a ring, said those lovely words, of course I was excited and happily said yes. Fast forward 2 weeks after I caught him saying that it wasn’t a real engagement and it was more a promise ring. I confronted him about this and he was just very dismissive of it and doubled down on it being a promise. I let it go but I believe this is maybe where I started to doubt the relationship and start to lose feelings for him.
Fast forward,I constantly had to get on him about doing the dishes and taking the trash out (his only 2 chores) and at times I would just do it so that mold and bugs didn’t start. He always would give me the “yea I’ll do it” but never do it. He has left dishes in the sink for almost 2 months before hence why now I’ll just do it when it’s been too long.
He came to me about a month ago to say that his coworker (20f),a girl I used to be friends with, told him I was cheating on him. Which prompted him to confront me with the issue. I told him that infact I wasn’t and you have access to everything , for how much you’re in my business, you would know. After this conversation, we were fine but I can tell he has some sort of insecurity.
He’s always been a nebby person to me and what’s going on in my life since I have more going on than him. But I’ve always told him what’s going on and who I was with etc. He has access to my phone and everything else.
When we went on vacation he decided to have my Siri read all my messages to him when he thought I was asleep and when I turn to look at him and ask him what in the hell, he got flustered and turn it off. I’m not upset that he was reading anything, it was that he was being sneaky about it. I asked him why he was being sneaky and he said he was curious and thought I was asleep. I told him that you know you can just do it anytime but why did you feel like you had to go through my phone when I was asleep? It just really makes me feel some type of way.
He didn’t really have an answer, he apologized and I left it at that.
Now every little thing he does or says just irritates me and I feel like I need to be on my own again. Let us have space since we don’t get that anymore. Also in hopes to help the relationship and I won’t keep feeling negative towards him..
I communicated this to him and he keeps giving me nos and throwing in my face that I can’t go anywhere cause of what happened in July with my old place. I found a private landlord that would rent to me and I tried asking him “what if I move there now and when your lease is up in January 2026, you just come move in with me. We need a bigger place anyways and this will let me be alone for a few months.” He quickly shot the idea down and told me we’re staying at where we are now until he decides we will leave. He also threatened me that if I leave he’s cutting contact with me.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t wanna break up but the amount of resentment I’m getting and the “ick” my other half is saying to leave.
I’m sorry for such a long post..
Any suggestions,thoughts or advice is greatly appreciated..
EDIT
Thank you guys so much already for the suggestions, I understand that it should be easy for me to move out etc. It wasn’t easy for me to move in but I have pets and they needed somewhere as did I. I don’t have a lot of family that would have let me stay with my pets. One of my issues is that I want to try to move without any problems and two, our schedules are pretty much the same. As much as I would like to pull the “pack and move when he’s not there” it’s very hard too cause he will start something with me. My name isn’t in his lease so I could move but I also don’t want to come home to my stuff on the porch.
Also I realize I don’t need permission, I just don’t want any of this the blow up in my face. Just am a big nervous mess. And parts of me feel bad because this is his first relationship..
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You are an adult, with access to all resources. He cannot imprison you and you can call the police to be able to get out. He is not your parent or your god and doesn’t own you.
the fuck does “won’t let” mean??
Why exactly are you with this asshole?
Based on what you have written, I don’t see any positive benefits for you in this relationship. He is controlling, doesn’t care about your feelings, doesn’t allow you any privacy, doesn’t trust you, and doesn’t do his share of the chores. He isn’t making you happy, and instead he gives the ick. Do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling how he makes you feel? His behavior is unlinkely to improve and will likely get worse. If I were you, I would leave and end the relationship. I also wouldn’t tell him my plans. I would just get everything set up and move out when he is at work. Based on his behavior, I have concerns that he might do things to interfere with your arrangements or possibly harm you.
I’m sorry but this relationship has run its course. Learn from it and move on, and move out.
Excuse me? He doesn’t have to “let” you do anything. He does not have the power to say no. To hell with that. Move out.
Make sure you get everything signed with the new landlord before you say anything so he doesn’t have a chance to sabotage it. He sounds like the type who might. Then just move.
You will likely find living by yourself, in your own, clean space, is so amazing you don’t want him to join you in January.
Excuse me? Won’t “let” you? Please read that back and realize how utterly controlling your BF is. And TBH, you really don’t sound like you like him that much. I mean, he’s crap at relationships, he doesn’t know how to take care of himself, he tries to control you, he accuses you of cheating, he spies on you, and he irritates you.
Why would you sign up for a lifetime of this?!?!? Gurl you don’t need him to “let” you move out. Move out when you break up with him. Good lord. Are you so desperate to be married that you’d settle for the first person who asks you?
You’re an adult. You are free to do whatever you want, he has no say. Do what is best for YOU.
Why are you ignoring your gut feelings? You know this is unhealthy and are not being treated as an equal in the relationship. You are giving up all your power to him. You’re asking him permission to do things- why? You can always ask his opinion and he gives you, but you are your own person.
Would you like me to go through your post and point all the red glaring flags he has that you are ignoring or brushing off? Stop listening to him and listen to your gut. Not the doubts of “but I love him” or “maybe I’m wrongly” that come after the gut feeling. Listen to your first instincts. They are telling you to leave his insecure, childish, controlling, selfish and manipulative butt, and find an equal partner.
Just go.
You already have the ick. You don’t need his permission to do anything. If he wants to cut contact, let him.
I doubt he will stop talking to you bc he’s so controlling and jealous. You may have problems getting away from him, actually you already are.
Listen to your gut, it’s telling you to leave. You’re his first gf and he’s going to be resistant to you leaving but you need to go.
He shouldn’t even be in a relationship with the way he acts. You both need therapy.
Him to learn how to be in a relationship and you to heal and learn to recognize and heed red flags earlier in the future.
Good luck.
Yeah time to mature and see the red flags slapping you in the face. He doesn’t respect you. Get that through your head. He’s the best you can do on this planet??
You are an adult perfectly capable of living your own life with your own rules and do what you want rather than not being allowed to do things because a partner forbids it. Why are you with this guy?
LEAVE. Let him cut contact. He’s being emotionally immature and extremely childish. You need to break up! End it!
FFS don’t give your address to him or post it on social media. Get him off all your social media and block him everywhere. You don’t want to get kick out because he’ll ruin it for you!!
Let him cut contact! If you need to be on your own, then do it! He can’t keep you from doing what you want. Besides, if you don’t cut ties with him now, it will only get worse with time. I see the abusive behavior…
You do realize you don’t need permission, right?
Also, most partners that are adamant you’re cheating. I need to check on you are in fact projecting. I’m going to guess it was the coworker…. He was cheating, so therefore his paranoid that you are cheating.
Sign the lease for the new place and move out while he’s at work. Let him know after the fact or just leave him a letter.
The dishes, the paranoia you just don’t think that the relationship is sustainable any longer. If he held up his end into the bargain and kept the house clean, and you didn’t have to continue to nag him maybe things would be different.
Maybe if he didn’t propose and then take it back. Things would be different. But you got the ick and there’s no coming back from it.
Dishes for month is just beyond gross.
You are so young. Stop wasting your youth being trapped in a shitty relationship.
You need to leave asap! Get out and you will see how happy you’ll be without him. He has more growing up to do and if he threatens you, tell him it’s over and go.
He had Siri read your phone messages to him? Apparently he’s so lazy he can’t even be bothered to read.
You don’t need his permission and honesty a break up is necessary. The relationship has already died. You resent him and honestly you’ve outgrown him. Go get that apt and have an amazing life. Leave the baggage
It’s really easy to move in with someone, without any further plans. It is soooo difficult to move out, and no one ever considers that.
What will YOU do to improve your life?
Leave, obviously. He’s not a good partner. Someone doesn’t have to be a monster for you to break up with them. He isn’t the one for you, that’s not something terrible, it’s just life. Breaking up isn’t a crime you perpetrate upon someone, it’s a decision you get to make for any reason at all.
Move out and break up. He’s controlling, jealous, lazy, and manipulative. Additionally, do your friends and family know this man is reading all of your messages? I would be so angry if I found out that my personal business is being seen by someone else. Even if you consent to a complete lack of privacy, these other people didn’t
Dump him and move out.
Won’t let you? Oh hell no
I’m not reading an AI generated novella to answer: He’s not your jailer, FFS. Leave. Call the cops if he tries to stop you. You know all of this.
You need to leave as soon as possible.
Please stay on top of your birth control. The last thing you need is to be baby trapped.
Stop putting it off! You deserve better.
Stop feeling guilty or bad. He’s a bad boyfriend. It would be mean to yourself to stay with him. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Leave him and don’t look back.
Look for a roommate who is pet friendly. They have websites specifically for finding rooms for rent.
So your gut is telling you that he is not the man(more like boy) for you. When our gut tell us something we should listen. To that you feel some resentment and irritation towards him. That happens when we don’t follow our gut.
If we ignore that for a second. He doesn’t follow through on chores, his insecurities is an issue, he basically tells you that you are stuck with him so ”haha” on you, because of the living issue.
And you wonder what you do? You should end it, that’s what you should do.
You guys aren’t 19. You living in your own and him by himself for a few months won’t change a thing. Zero. Not even with therapy will that time do any good for him, and therefor your relationship.
The fact that he won’t even respect you being done and want time a part to see if you can reconnect and solve things..he should have said ”OK love, whatever you want. I want to fix things too!”. No, he basically mocks you.
You should break up and leave like yesterday. But if that’s not what you want and can’t see for now, OK fine, but at least move out and get some time to think. This guy is not ready to live with anybody, and most likely not ready to be in a relationship with anyone either.
You are suppose to bring your best sides into a relationship, and to build on that, build a home and build a life together. This isn’t it. Not this far anyways. If he wants to have a relationship he has to do the work so his good sides are mainly there and the bad sides are not. I’m not talking about temporary things like depression and such, i’m talking about stuck personality patterns that needs to mature or change or both.
We owe our partners to be the best versions of ourself and do the work needed to be that, and if both party’s do so, you have a good foundation to build on. If not, it most likely wont work out. Because one or both are not ready for the long run.
Where in Pittsburgh do you want to live? Find a place and go there.
I think you know that your boyfriend doesn’t get a say
Let?
Are you certain he’s not cheating on you? I would check his phone if I were you (and if you have an open phone policy – your post indicated that you might) because I’m sensing a lot of projection.
This is what the rest of your life will look like if you stay. Is that really what you want?
You need to move out. Your bf is not only insecure, but he’s also filthy. I’m surprised you aren’t living with another roach infestation. Two months of dishes in the sink is disgusting. Don’t live with people until you are certain of who they are.
Call in sick to work and pack while he’s not there. And you know he’s probably sleeping with the 20 year old, that’s why he’s treating you like this.
Good thing y’all aren’t engaged!