Some time ago I (29F) was assigned by my European based employer to work on a project at our US location. Part of my assignment was training a new hire within my special area of expertise. This new guy is about 10 years older than me and hired for a management position, however he is in no way my superior as I take on more of a consulting role with the local team.
I noticed straight away that he is very outgoing and sociable, joking around a lot with his colleagues. Quite different from the men I am used to as I come from a north-east European country where the male stereotype can only be described as “silent”. He immediately took an interest in me and started jokingly flirting and complimenting my looks. This made me uncomfortable since we are both married, and I felt it was very inappropriate. It also made me feel as if he did not respect me professionally when comments like “you look so cute when you’re serious” would interrupt my training sessions with him. The assignment itself was a big deal to me and I wanted nothing more than to exceed expectations, which is why I was reluctant to bring this up and “create drama”. I tried ignoring his behavior but the last straw for me was when he started calling me his “work wife” openly in the office. I understand that this term is used in a joking manner in US office culture, but we absolutely do not have anything similar in my home country and if word would get around back home about this, I would have to explain to my husband why some random man decided to call me his wife. To avoid this, I decided I need to put an end to the casual flirting and jokes from this man.
I sat him down one-on-one and told him, in short, that he has to stop calling me his work wife. He seemed like he understood but I was maybe being too “nice” or vague in my approach towards him because he acted no different the following days. This made me frustrated as I felt I now have to either go to my (and his) boss and risk this reflecting badly on my assignment or risk conflict in my marriage. I ultimately decided that my marriage is more important than my job and told my boss about my issue. Luckily my boss took me seriously and told me that he would handle it and to stop worrying about it. I am not sure what went down after this but the flirting and the compliments from my colleague abruptly stopped. I was relieved but I also felt that my colleague acted very cold towards me after this all happened. I still successfully finished my training sessions with him and the assignment and relocated back home.
Now in retrospect I am wondering if I overreacted due to the cultural differences between the US and my home country. Maybe what my colleague was doing was just normal social interaction and I acted like a complete asshole getting him into trouble with our boss for mere joking?
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Some time ago I (29F) was assigned by my European based employer to work on a project at our US location. Part of my assignment was training a new hire within my special area of expertise. This new guy is about 10 years older than me and hired for a management position, however he is in no way my superior as I take on more of a consulting role with the local team.
I noticed straight away that he is very outgoing and sociable, joking around a lot with his colleagues. Quite different from the men I am used to as I come from a north-east European country where the male stereotype can only be described as “silent”. He immediately took an interest in me and started jokingly flirting and complimenting my looks. This made me uncomfortable since we are both married, and I felt it was very inappropriate. It also made me feel as if he did not respect me professionally when comments like “you look so cute when you’re serious” would interrupt my training sessions with him. The assignment itself was a big deal to me and I wanted nothing more than to exceed expectations, which is why I was reluctant to bring this up and “create drama”. I tried ignoring his behavior but the last straw for me was when he started calling me his “work wife” openly in the office. I understand that this term is used in a joking manner in US office culture, but we absolutely do not have anything similar in my home country and if word would get around back home about this, I would have to explain to my husband why some random man decided to call me his wife. To avoid this, I decided I need to put an end to the casual flirting and jokes from this man.
I sat him down one-on-one and told him, in short, that he has to stop calling me his work wife. He seemed like he understood but I was maybe being too “nice” or vague in my approach towards him because he acted no different the following days. This made me frustrated as I felt I now have to either go to my (and his) boss and risk this reflecting badly on my assignment or risk conflict in my marriage. I ultimately decided that my marriage is more important than my job and told my boss about my issue. Luckily my boss took me seriously and told me that he would handle it and to stop worrying about it. I am not sure what went down after this but the flirting and the compliments from my colleague abruptly stopped. I was relieved but I also felt that my colleague acted very cold towards me after this all happened. I still successfully finished my training sessions with him and the assignment and relocated back home.
Now in retrospect I am wondering if I overreacted due to the cultural differences between the US and my home country. Maybe what my colleague was doing was just normal social interaction and I acted like a complete asshole getting him into trouble with our boss for mere joking?
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> I reported my colleague to my boss for calling me his work wife and I am not sure if this was the right move considering he was only joking.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. He was acting unprofessional as hell
NTA. You behaved exactly right.
NTA. He was being exceedingly inappropriate and brushed you off. You did everything right.
NTA. Terms like ‘work wife’ are and can be uncomfortable. I am not European or American but I would be uncomfortable with a man calling me his ‘work wife’, even if he and I were friendly. You did nothing wrong — in fact, you did what you could in the right way. You spoke to him in person first, then when that didn’t change his behaviour, it definitely became harassment on his part, so you took it up the chain to your boss, who dealt with it.
NTA so hard. If he was your superior, I would be telling you to sue his ass for sexual harassment. Sooooooo inappropriate and creepy.
Congratulations on both completing your assignment successfully, and shutting down a creep who thought he could get away with sexually harassing you. You’re a hero. NTA.
NTA. He was clearly making you uncomfortable with the flirting and in doing so, was objectifying you and diminishing your stature as a professional in front of others. The “work wife” thing is loaded. I have a good friend who was close to a guy at work, they respected one another, and she referred to him as her work husband. I assume he reciprocated, and I understand she was close to his wife. But a lot of women would be truly offended by this moniker, and certainly, many wives would be be offended that their husband’s colleague thought of herself as much. But again, you told him you didn’t like it, and he didn’t listen to you. So, you are not at all the AH AND your boss is a champ for taking it seriously and handling it. Good for you for speaking up!!! I hope this empowers you such that you will continue to do so, not only on your on behalf, but whenever you see this kind of stuff happening to others. Sometimes younger folks don’t realize that they don’t have to put up with this — so you are modeling excellent behavior here! Brava!!!
NTA Your only error was in not drawing a firm line with this jerk earlier. Not normal work behavior at all. He was being a creeper from day 1.
NTA. I’m a guy and I had a female colleague make really personal comments about my appearance. Whilst they were complimentary, they were also deeply uncomfortable and I regret not calling her out on it. You’re a professional and your colleague is an idiot. Not only that, he’s compounding his lack of professionalism by behaving like a child.
It’s used in America but more people are calling out how weird it is.
If someone tried to call me or my husband a work wife/husband, we would call them out and probably go to HR if it didn’t stop.
NTA — from the US and I find the “work wife / husband” routine to be at best cringe and at worst an attempt to cover or soften inappropriate behavior. And while not unheard of, it’s not like people are throwing those jokes around all over the place here.
You did the right thing by addressing it one-on-one first. He only has himself to blame for the escalation to management. Don’t sweat it.
NTA. I’m an American and I think the work spouse thing is super cringey and disrespectful to actual partners, especially when it isn’t mutual in your senses of humor or conduct.
NTA. His actions made you uncomfortable. You took him aside and told him to stop and why. He didn’t. You had to escalate because he wouldn’t stop.
He’s merely experiencing the consequences of his unwanted actions.
NTA – I will say based on your comment that you may have been vague – if you were clear and direct, vagueness does not apply.
Talking to him first was the right move but if you weren’t very direct, my own view is that you should have spoken to him one more time.
NTA…You did nothing wrong. You approached this male colleague first and asked him to stop. You were uncomfortable. He did not stop. That is harassment. You did the right thing by reporting him.
I bet other women he works with thank you.
NTA. Just because something’s normal in US office culture doesn’t mean you have to tolerate it, especially when it made you uncomfortable and he kept going after you asked him to stop. The fact that he iced you out afterward just proves he knew he was being inappropriate.
NTA – he was sexually harassing you and creating a hostile work environment. You did the right thing by informing your boss. It’s such a typical male response for him to blame the victim rather than owning his actions. It smacks of misogyny and entitlement.
NTA – you should have done something the first time he said something. It’s called sexual harassment. It is illegal and people do get fired for it. The rules and policies have been put into place and whoever decides that they don’t need to follow said rules because “they’re just joking” deserves everything that is coming to them. You did good.
NTA! You probably helped a lot of other women who he might’ve had this same bond with now or in the future. He needed to know what he was saying made you uncomfortable. Good for speaking up for yourself (:
NTA. You did the right thing
NTA
As an American who works in a corporate setting, calling someone a “work wife” isn’t common part of US work culture. I’ve heard of people saying it, and it’s always step 1 of finding out they’re having an affair together
NTA. Work wife/work husband stuff is childish and unprofessional.
He sounds like a loser.
NTA. You told him he behavior and comments were unwelcome. Even if he was completely harmless in his intent, it still made you feel uncomfortable. The fact that he didn’t stop after that take cultural differences off the table. He knew it bothered you and he still did it. His intent at the point was to bother you and he deserved the conversation with the boss.
NTA. You did not get him in trouble. He got himself in trouble by being sooo stupid.
That’s not “cute office banter,” that’s him ignoring your boundaries after you told him to stop. Cultural differences or not, once you say “this makes me uncomfortable,” it’s game over. He had a chance to act normal and he didn’t, so you protected yourself, your marriage, and your professionalism. That’s not overreacting, that’s respecting yourself.
NTA. It’s stupid and juvenile anytime somebody says work wife or work husband. But also, you were putting up boundaries and he was not respecting them. And comments like telling you that you’re cute when you’re serious? Totally inappropriate. And you know dollars to donuts he wouldn’t have pushed his luck with a man. I don’t know why but we women are raised to think that if we have boundaries we are somehow being inappropriate or mean and we aren’t. I’m proud of you for doing the right thing and reporting it. You didn’t act like a people pleaser. You demanded respect. Super proud of you. And you may have just saved the next woman the same trouble from this guy.
NTA. “Work wife” has 2 contests here in the US:
Him using that after heavy and one sided flirting is not appropriate even here.
Setting that aside, even if it were, you telling him very directly to stop in a 1-on-1 conversation should have resulted in him stopping. End of. Reporting him when he ignored your demand to stop was the right thing to do.
NTA.
I work in the US at a business-casual kind of office. I have friends I make “work wife” jokes with amongst ourselves (we are in fact a polycule/commune of four work wives in our half-ironic, half-friendship-celebrating jokes). That kind of thing is fine; we’re all in on the joke and just amusing ourselves when things get tough. If any of us didn’t like it, we’d stop and find other jokes we all find fun/funny.
But once it’s in front of other coworkers it’s performative. It’s no longer communicating a funny inside joke, it’s communicating…ownership? Pride (“look at this attractive person I’ve got attached to me”)? Whatever it is, it isn’t appropriate among a whole team/department/office like that.
You told him to stop, he didn’t stop. Escalating it was the correct response.
NTA
NTA You handled this perfectly. You spoke to the co-worker directly and privately, he didn’t cooperate. So you went to management and management supported YOU. Perfect! The only person in the wrong here was the co worker. He absolutely and deliberately demeaned you professionally based on your gender. The US workplace takes sexual harassment very seriously these days (have you heard of the “Me Too” movement!) The women in his office think you are a hero for putting him in his place. And you successfully completed the project and don’t have to work with that jerk again.
I had to report a co worker for a serious incident of sexually harassing a client in a retail environment . He was over 60 years old, teased my 22 year old client when she arrived, then barged into my office while I met with her, when I asked him to apologize to her he instead laid hands on her! Grabbed her shoulders and squeezed them in and up and shook them while laughing saying he was just joking. Jaw dropping awful. We all remember being cute 22 year olds and some fat old bald guy harassed us and then laughed and said it was just a joke, but we knew it was no joke. Sure, he was mad for a few weeks, but he got over it. We’re still friends, and he respects me more for standing up to him. And the other women in the office were glad I put him in his place.
Congratulations for standing up for yourself! And for having an employer who won’t tolerate workplace harassment!
NTA. Although some people think it’s cute, it’s squicky and inappropriate. He needs to tone down his flirtatious behavior around you today. His response to your objection should have been a sincere apology and a promise to never do it again.
You told him to stop, he did not, so you took appropriate action. Do not second-guess yourself. You were 100% not overreacting or an AH. This is “common” in the US, but don’t mistake that for normal or acceptable. You were uncomfortable and remained professional. He was TAH completely.
More or less a term of endearment. It’s a generational thing.
NTA: I think his kind of joking is very cringy. Your responsibility was to tell him directly to stop. If he doesn’t stop then you are within your rights to report him.
The only part is you worry if you were too vague in telling him to stop. If you weren’t clear I suppose you could have told him a second time more clearly before reporting him.
But you can’t then complain that he was acting coldly towards you. He abruptly stopped because he got the message. He was just being careful to not be too friendly.
NTA. I do not understand people having a “work spouse” when they have real spouses at home. I worked in the service industry for 7 years and had a ‘work husband’ once (and the label was given to us jokingly by coworkers) but we were both single and then started dating lol. I don’t see how it’s ever not heavily flirtatious to call someone your spouse.
NTA. Even in America (or Canada), calling someone a “work wife” or “work husband” is entirely unprofessional, especially if one or both of the people involved are married. Doubly so if one of them clearly and explicitly tells the other to back off.
Definitely NTA.
>you look so cute when you’re seriou
Statements like this aren’t professional or culturally acceptable. You would have been in the right to challenge this much sooner.
> he started calling me his “work wife” openly in the office
That might fly if this is both something you were doing, but it’s creepy for it to be one-sided.
Don’t allow yourself to be uncomfortable because other people can claim to be “joking”. That’s a lie pretending to be a reasonable justification.
Also, note that it wasn’t everyone treating you like this, but just one person. So, don’t give him the excuse of “cultural differences”. When I work with people in India, for example, there are some behaviors that are cultural and others that are individual.
You’re 100% NTA because you asked him to stop and didn’t change. You’re a bit vague in what you said, but given the fact that you were able to communicate the problem clearly to the boss, I suspect you also communicated it clearly to the colleague.
>I also felt that my colleague acted very cold towards me after this all happened.
That’s his problem, not yours. You didn’t do anything wrong. Plus, you gave him the chance to change his behavior first before escalating, so that’s his fault for not changing before someone else had to do it.
NTA- I live in the US and this work wife crap drives me crazy. It’s not cute it’s very disrespectful to women and unprofessional in my opinion.
NTA, I am in the US and find it completely disrespectful to the actual spouses when married people are called work wife/husband. Also, you told him to stop and he didn’t respect that. The fact is that if you didn’t speak up, he would do it again with another woman. This opens the company up to a sexual harassment case because it is sexual harassment. You did nothing wrong. He needed to learn he can’t behave this way in the workplace.
NTA. I’m American and familiar with the “work spouse” phrase. Regardless of his intentions, once you told him it made YOU uncomfortable and you wanted it to stop, that should have been the end of it. The fact that he ignored your request is why you went to HR. You did nothing wrong.
This is sexism in the UK