I (33F) and my husband (37M, we will call him “Jim”) have been together for almost 8 years (5 years of marriage). We are a blended family. Jim brought 3 kids to the mix and I brought 3 kids to the mix and we had 1 child together (Special needs, F). Crap load of kids right?!
Over the years I’ve always felt like Jim has treated “my” kids differently. He’s hardy created much of a relationship with them other than my middle son (high functioning autistic, 13M). My oldest son has always rebelled against the fact I’m no longer with his father and my youngest son just doesn’t have any similar interests with Jim. Fine…that’s ok…no big deal. Jim has never abused them or anything, just doesn’t show much interest in them. Mind you I have a rock solid relationship with “his” older daughter and she even looks at me as her mom because her mom isn’t in the picture (drugs). I don’t have a relationship with his oldest son because he ran off to live with his drug addict mom but I have a pretty good relationship with his youngest son (he also looks at me as a mom or a bonus mom.)
Over the years Jim and I have been through so many ups and downs… from his sobriety (alcohol), then going through tons of miscarriages and of course the fact I literally helped him get over his ex wife for cheating on him and I even helped them file their divorce (that’s another story for another day). Lots of red flags through our relationship but I ignored them of course. I loved Jim and I felt a connection I never felt before. Our sex is INCREDIBLE. Jim has never cheated, never even looked another girls way but something in the back of my head has always felt like I was a bit too much of a rebound for him after his wife cheated and left. He wouldn’t really tell me timelines or specifics. I found out through Jim’s kids and their mutual people. Anyway…we have a lot of history..ya know? But back to the point.
Last night while we were drinking, Jim got so upset about “my kids” and started talking shit about what kind of mother I am and about how “its not his fault I had kids with a pu$$y. Those kids aren’t his problem and it should have never been assumed he should have to be a father figure to them.” He’s gotten drunk before and talked crap but for whatever reason last night felt like he really meant it.
Now little back story about MY ex husband. He’s what you call “dad of the year”. Sees the kids 3 times a year (lives 5 states over) and acts like dad of the year when he has them. Buying them whatever they want, more interested in being their friend, etc. Thinks because he pays a measly $600 a month in child support he should never have to “pitch in” on things like medical expenses, school stuff, etc. He also loves to pin me and Jim against “my boys”.
Back to the story…again…sorry bear with me LOL. When I asked Jim to elaborate on what he meant. He said I was too soft and because I had kids with a pu$$y it was my job to step up and be a dad to them too. I didn’t have the luxury of just being a mom. I explained that I’ve been a mother to “his” children for almost a decade. I never looked at it like that. Coming from a blended family myself it was always said without being said that when you marry someone with kids you assume that parental role of some sort to those kids. He went on about how we never discussed any of this and this should have been put out on the table before we even got married. I just sat there dumbfounded. I was so incredibly hurt, I got up and went to bed. He of course ransacked the kitchen and left such a huge mess. And of course sleep in until 10am while I had to get up (like every morning he’s not at work) to handle our special needs daughter. He’s been pretty silent towards me all morning.
So…AITAH for feeling like I should divorce Jim? I’m very much considering it. So many things just “make sense” now the more I think. I do ALL the running for his son. And it’s like pulling teeth to get Jim to do anything for “my kids”. I naturally fell into the default parent role so never really gave it much mind until now. Especially looking back earlier this year when he didn’t have a job while going to school and I got a job to help support us. Even then he refused to do anything for “my kids”. What would you do? Any and all advice welcomed but please be nice. Im still trying to process this all. Thanks!
EDIT: he’s not an alcoholic. When I say I helped him with his sobriety this was when he was heavily drinking at the beginning of our relationship due to not dealing with everything his ex put him through. Has not been an issue for many many years. Also when I say he ransacked the kitchen I mean he ate everything in sight and left a mess. ALSO I realize I really made it out to be I’m just there for the sex. I’m not. There’s a lot of stuff I didn’t put in the post that I probably should have. Like he wasn’t always like this with our kids. He use to be involved but it slowly disappeared over 8 years to this point. Like the fact he really helped me through a lot of my own issues especially infertility. Remember I’m just telling MY side of the story. Obviously I can’t put every single detail.
Comments
Good lord, lady what are you doing. Get out of there.
You were drinking with an alcoholic last night? Really?
The child support is for the kids needs including the medical expenses. If you dont like the current arrangement you go to family court and work it out there.
Have you ever had good sex in your life? Because it cant be so good that you subject your children to this kind of life.
NTA for wanting to divorce but this def should’ve been a conversation you had with him before getting married especially since you already had kids and it affects them. Sounds like he’s always been a bit of a deadbeat.
First, don’t drink with an alcoholic. He said all of this while drinking? NTA, even if he did say all of that drunk, for wanting a divorce from a clearly selfish man.
Drunk words are sober thoughts. It feels like he meant it because he DID mean it. And it appears that he never suggested otherwise up to this point.
ESH. As you say, he never showed interest in your kids and you ignored several red flags. It shouldn’t have taken a decade and a drunken rambling later for this to click.
I mean this in the nicest way possible, you have god awful taste in men and it’s hurting your children. If you divorce, I suggest either being single for a while or waiting a LONG time before getting the kids involved so you can judge his character beforehand.
Definitely TAH for staying with someone like that and subjecting your kids to this type of environment !
Is the sex worth the damage that is happening to your kids? Jim is disgusting and your children deserve better.
The bar is low.
NTA
It’s just the latest red flag, and you are finally paying attention. Your children deserve more from him and their dad. Unfortunately, you can’t do anything about your ex, just their stepdad. Your job is to protect your kids. They don’t deserve to live with a man, that at best, neglects them while living in the same house.
Everyone spell it with me! D I V O R C E
Seriously though, NTA if the only reason you are staying with this guy is because of good sex and he doesn’t cheat, you have set the bar incredibly low for yourself hon…. You can do better for yourself AND your kids.
NTA. Come on. You’re staying with someone who’s not good for your kids because the sex is good? That’s the only positive thing you said about this guy. He’s an AH.
The question aside, I’m quite flabbergasted at two grown adults treating kids as if it’s a transactional thing, people should care anyways, that’s a child right there. No amount of good sex is excusing how badly this is affecting y’all’s kids.
The whole thing screams red flags from both sides honestly. Even though it’s worse for him.
Idk I think if you care about the well being of your kids then I recommend leaving that place. It’s unhealthy for them to grow up in such a place like that. Also I advice to take time to make sense of things after and to focus on caring for your kids and yourself, and not to jump into another relationship
If you want yourself and your kids to be treated second hand then stay with the man who treats your children like shit. It sounds like he married you for a hole and a babysitter to his kids. It should have been put on the table, what the hell kind of thinking is that. Whenever you marry someone with children you assume some responsibility for those humans. It doesn’t have to be talked over it’s an unwritten rule and understanding. Your husband is an asshole who will bring nothing but negativity to your children. Maybe that’s why his one child decided to live with a drug addicted mother. You said your husband had a drinking problem, so how do you know his foul attitude isn’t what caused his first wife to look elsewhere. And maybe the child that lives with the mom had seen enough bad behavior from the dad that he decided he was better off with an addict. Sounds very plausible to me. I won’t tell you to dump this asshole but you really need to think about your children and their future. You say your one child is on the spectrum. That child’s life is going to be hard enough, now add all the negative vibes this asshole sends out. Why do that to your own baby?
You can divorce anyone for any reason, NTA.
If you’re looking for advice, it really depends on whether this is the final straw that collapses something already horribly broken, or is something put upon an otherwise decent relationship. If you’re looking to salvage things, I would be clear on what you need relative to “your” kids – relationships based on respect, kindness, etc. Be clear that his talk has you close to leaving, and you expect more from him if you stay.
Good luck either way – staying is hard. Leaving will be hard. Choose your hard (there is no easy in life).
‘Hey Jim this marriage is less of a partnership and more of a burden. Think it’s best you move out for a bit so I can think if i want to carry on with this relationship.’
Tell him he’ll need to parent his kids and share 50/50 custody of his daughter.
Jim is an alcoholic and you were drinking with him last night? YTA for subjecting your kids to this man. He is a terrible partner and father figure.
Get your self some therapy to learn why you keep choosing bad men. Stay single for a while. Do not get into another bed relationship just for sex. Buy some toys instead. Then meet someone who respects and loves you and wants your kids too.
What do you mean by ransacked the kitchen? Is he violent? Violence does not require him to lay a finger on you or your kids.
Do you have an alcohol use disorder? You’re drinking with a loud drunk with a known alcohol use disorder.
Dump him. Stay friends with his kids – no parental role or tasks. He’d love to be done with you while you parent ALLLLL of the children.
You’re already living as a single parent. Dump the man making everything harder.
And you don’t need a partner to have sexual pleasure. Not the same? Absolutely! Inferior? Many women will argue that point.
ESH except the kids.
Him for not thinking of himself as any kind of parent to your kids, and you for enabling an alcoholic by drinking with them.
This marriage is toxic as hell.
ESH Your kids already know he doesn’t love them like a father should. They just know their mom chose him over them. The youngest have grown up thinking how he behaves is acceptable in a relationship, hopefully they’ll unlearn that once they’re grown.
You chose an alcoholic deadbeat as a husband and are surprised that years later he’s still an alcoholic deadbeat. All that time, effort and energy you could have given to your kids went to that entitled asshole. Also, you’re not a ‘blended’ family. Kids who see their dad’s wife 3x a year aren’t gonna have anything but a superficial connection. Maybe the kids bonded more to you during their visits than their sperm donor, but it’s not surprising given you’re the only one actually parenting.
Please consider this the wake up call you need. You’ve failed your kids by choosing to marry/live with someone who froze them out emotionally. You failed yourself by walking into the red flag parade claiming ‘not a cheater’ and ‘good sex’ were good enough to let your kids be pushed aside.
Sooooo many res flags. And only half of them on the husband.
Biggest one is “I helped him get over his addiction to alcohol” followed several paragraphs later by “we were having a few drinks”
ESH seems like you dragged your existing kids.ans then another kid into a shitty situation.
If a prospective (or in your case actual) husband isn’t willing to accept your kids as his own then you shouldn’t be with them. Simple as that.
He is obviously a massive AH but it seems that’s been obvious for a very long time. You both suck I just feel sorry for the kids.
NTA. What are you waiting for. Wise up, stand up, GET OUT.
If he’s an alcoholic why was he drinking?! And you were drinking WITH him! That’s messed up.
You need therapy to understand why you have such low self esteem that you’d consider staying with this asshole. You and your children deserve so much better.
ESH
Glad the sex was more important to you than a solid family life for your children.
So he never cheated and the sex is great, but you choose to stay with this alcoholic, abusive POS. You should have never married him. Take your kids and get out, his behaviour is a huge red flag.
Stop drinking w alcoholics
A tale as old as time… the OP got blinded by the dick. She ignored all the red flags while she herself is a red flag.
Divorce, get your tubes tied for good and do not date or marry again for a very long time. The only ones really suffering here are your children.
So…you’re getting drunk with a known alcoholic who has so many red flags he looks like an LA construction zone, he insults your parenting and your kids, and…
Wait. What’s the question? Oh, right. Why are you with him?!? Stop with the sunk cost fallacy and GTH outta there. For your kids’ sake.
Your family was never blended in the first place could have saved you and your kids drama by not marrying him. He was never looking to make himself a father figure or even a friend to your kids, he was looking for a bang-maiden who can cook, clean, sleep with and parent his children. His an alcoholic, you are a rebound, he told you he didn’t want to be a parental figure before on his drunk binges. Maybe put your kids first instead of incredible sex?
Stop acting like you’re shocked you knew this all along the signs have been there but you put your needs first, instead of your children. Divorce him, put him on 50/50 custody of the child you have together. Seek alimony and child support.
just want to give a shout out to all the kids of divorce that had to put up with this messy ass circus from their selfish parents. they dragged us into shitty situations so they could have a very shitty relationship with a very shitty person. as a grown up and parent i still can’t fathom putting some fucking loser over my kids. poor kids. mommy having a love life with someone that doesn’t even like them was more important.
He needed a bangmaid nanny for his kids. I’m just in absolute disbelief at him saying he was never to be seen as any kind of father figure to “your” kids.
Any man who talks that way about my kids is not somebody I want them thinking is their stepfather, because he isn’t. He’s just your husband. And he has some very unsavory opinions of both you & your sons.
Man, some of you parents really do just care more about your love life than your kids. There fact that you willingly put your children into this situation is despicable.
What IS it with men expecting women to mother their kids, but they thought of being a father to another man’s child?! Oh, clutch my pearls!
OP, this is a red flag ticker tape parade. My mom married one of these ass clowns. He waited years for her to say yes, knowing we were a package deal, only to do everything he could to get us out of the house. He’s a douche, you need to go. Find a therapist too. Honey your taste in men needs some help.
I would leave, it’s not healthy being around someone that looks at your children as less than… now that you know what he thinks and how everything makes since now- you need to decide how to proceed forward while protecting your kids from his attitude. You’re a good mother, take care of your kids. I’m sorry you going through this with the person that you thought was a lifelong partner. You deserve much better! NTA for leaving, anyone in your situation would be thinking the same thing.
You’re with Jim because the sex is good…is that it?
“Last night while we were drinking, ….”
So I’m gonna stop right there. WHY TF are drinking with an ALCOHOLIC?!?!!! That makes YTA.
Back to your story…..so, he badmouthed your kids, criticized your parenting, and “ransacked” your kitchen? He is absolutely TA.
But you keep you kids there?!?!?!
ESH
6 kids?
“Here’s the story…of a lovely lady…”
It can’t be new news that he didn’t bond with your kids even before marriage. Which means you chose him over them. They know he doesn’t care to be a father figure and have known all this time, you’re the only one somehow out of the loop. It’s good you tried to be mom to his kids but imagine how that looks to your kids after all that.
You might be physically present compared to their bio dad but damn, you didn’t pay attention at all for their sake. This isn’t even touching all the red flags you listed either.
ESH but the kids. None of the parents mentioned sound like actual parents. Do better by your kids.
YTA because he’s right that this should all have been discussed before you married. You could have saved your kids from being in the home of a person who has contempt for them and your ex. Yes, you should leave this man now that you understand how little he values your children and what kind of environment they’re being raised in. I’d guess that the useless bio dad does less actual harm to them because at least he pretends to care and they only have to deal with him every now and then.
Yta so why you leave your DOTY ex?
I stopped reading because I couldn’t get over the fact that you drink with your husband who is an alcoholic. You didn’t “help” him with his sobriety, you’re just help enable his habit. I will say YTAH for that!
Honestly though, all the signs that he’s not a good extra parent for your kids were always there, you just ignored them because you wanted a man and maybe harbor some deep rooted insecurities that you don’t wanna deal with. How were ever ok with creating a baby with a man that doesn’t love your other kids and treat them like others? You’re both AHs, y’all need counseling and probably should divorce.
You helped him with his sobriety but youre having serious conversations with him while you two are drinking? Is he or is he not sober? Either way you shouldnt have these types of conversations while drinking. Try having a conversation with him sober about the same subject matter before you get divorced over a drunken conversation.
You can get absolutely mind blowing sex with an actually good man. That really isn’t a reason to be with crap person and subject your kids to him. Just think how horrible your kids feel when they are treated worthless while step siblings get treated like they matter. Must be doing wonders to them.
Also drinking with an alcoholic. Be for real here.
He wanted a mom for his kids but isn’t willing to be a dad to someone else’s kids. You’ve stayed 8 years too long already.
Reasons to divorce:
Alcoholic who backslides; Comes with baggage/chips on his shoulder; Makes minimal effort to parent his own children; Makes no effort to build a relationship with his step-children; Criticizes his wife’s parenting and his step-children.
Reasons to stay:
Doesn’t abuse his step-children (a basic expectation rather than a positive); Has a job and contributes financially (also a basic expectation); You don’t think he’s cheated (another basic expectation); The sex is great.
OP, your standards are too low and you don’t realise what a catch you are. You are not second best to his drug addict, cheating ex-wife who abandoned her children. Don’t let this loser convince you otherwise. Call a lawyer, file for divorce, get child support for your youngest and a review of child support for your older children. Stay in contact with your step-children and support them emotionally as you can.
YTA for drinking with an alcoholic. You prioritized dick over your kids. You married man who treats your children terribly, just as their father does. Get a divorce, stop procreating with broken men, and take care of your kids.
you can’t unring that bell, Op. protect your kids. call the lawyers in private. they will know what to do. i’m sorry. NTA
If you stay with that man you should have your children taken away. This man should be the father figure but he wants nothing to do with your kids. If he hates your children then you have to get them out of that environment period. No dick is good enough to subject your kids to this and yea I read your edit but the good sex is the only really nice ting you can say about the useless jerk.
What kind of dumbass needs it spelling out to him that when you marry someone with kids, to a certain extent, them kids become your kids.
He seems totally useless, you’ll have an easier life without him and his messes to clean up behind.
Divorce the pos. NTA
I’m reserving judgment for now, although I am leaning toward ESH and nobody is putting the kids first (would you try to get shared custody of his kids too, or abandon them?) — have you gone to Al-Anon? What’s up with drinking with him?
How do your kids talk to him? Do they do the “you’re not my dad” thing and worship their bio dad? Have you taken the stance that you are the person with final authority on discipline/rewards for your kids (possibly including your bonus kids) because he’s been inconsistent and irrational, or do you work together to decide these things? If you were to write a post from his perspective, what would he say? And what would/do your boys say about each of you and their relationship with you as individuals and as a team?
You each need individual counseling and possibly marriage counseling, although it might be best to get a solid start in IC before starting MC. It’s messed up that he did/said those things, but that’s what happens when someone doesn’t communicate with their partner about their emotions, doesn’t get therapy to work through trauma or develop coping skills, and dwells on all the (imagined or real) injustices in his life. Boundaries and clear division of responsibility are necessary if your marriage has any chance.
Please check out Codependent No More and learn how to either live with an alcoholic or separate as civilly as possible.
i feel like you know what you need to do but you just don’t want to come to terms with it. i get it, it’s hard but you seriously have to make the right choice for you and most importantly your kiddos.
ESH
It’s been a years long battle with sobriety, and it sounds like he’s a vicious drunk neck deep in the bottle again. He’s taking out his misery on the person who is likely the only one that would put up with it in his current state.
If you come to reddit asking for opinions, but then feel the need to be defend him, what was the ultimate goal here? You know what you should do, and don’t want to make that decision.
YOU HAVE A DRUNK FOR A HUSBAND. END IF STORY.
NTA – get out. And stop doing stuff for “his” kids, he can handle his own kids.
This man does not deserve you or your children.
NTA. Stop making excuses for this guy. Whether or not you call him an alcoholic, he has a drinking problem. He’s disinterested in your kids and isn’t in their corner. Get away from him.
NTA
I had to stop mid post because you said you helped Jim get sober but THEN you and JIM were drinking together last night?!?!?!?
Well you definitely had blinkers on!
You are a crappy mother for marrying this douchebag and you have extremely low standards. Your kids deserve better. Don’t be surprised if they go low contact when they are adults.
NTA. He’s wrong. When he married you he also made your kids his responsibilities.
So, you’re with him for the sex?
To use the words of someone else…drunk words are sober thoughts. I always take it as this is how you really feel about something, but the general need to be courteous and agreeable outwardly creates a fake facade over what that person really feels inside.
He has repeatedly talked shit about your kids while drunk but only THIS time you think he means it? YTA for staying in a place where your kids are not only unwanted but disliked.
> …I helped him with his sobriety this was when he was heavily drinking at the beginning of our relationship…
He was an alcoholic and still is, don’t sugar coat it. If someone needs to have help with sobriety because they’re drinking heavily, they’re an alcoholic.
When a man truly loves you he loves everything about you, which includes your kids.
How are you “dealing with infertility” if you’d already had three kids by age 25?
NEVER EVER put a man before your kids. Divorce NOW. NTA unless you stay.
Yta for choosing a walking red flag over your kids.
NTA. Sounds like Jim is realizing he rebounded too.
So now you want to divorce and go to another man with 4 kids and have another one with the next guy? What the hell are you thinking or not thinking?
Afyer 3 years together , you should have known he didn’t want to parent your children. You shouldn’t have married him.
Time to get out….everyone deserves better.
SEVEN kids ? esh. not reading any of this
YTA to your kids if you stay with him. I know you claim he’s not an alcoholic, but this all screams alcoholic to me.
You didn’t consider your children before you married him? And you’re drinking with someone with a history of alcohol abuse? Girl, what are you doing?
Nta. Run and run fast. Also I would talk to your kids and make sure he isn’t saying anything to them when you aren’t around.
NTAH unless you stay. You’re actively harming your children staying married to this man who doesn’t care about them. That damage will follow them their entire lives.
Do better.
Start with therapy for them and yourself.
ESH because you’re both in charge of your own kids— but also why so many kids?!?!?
YTA for marrying him knowing he doesn’t like your kids. Did you ever think about how he makes your kids feel?
You don’t stay with the man because the sex is good and you’ve been with him for years.
I also don’t believe what you say about him.Not being an alcoholic. I am the daughter, a grown up daughter of an alcoholic, and I can tell one, yeah, right away.
Your children have seen and experienced the lack of love coming from your man. Don’t make them continue to go through this.
He found you desired, you married you. And now he has you trapped, he’s telling you how he really feels.
Both of you stop drinking and seek counseling. You both need individual counseling and then couples therapy to work through your issues with past relationships and current. Leaving a current relationship isn’t going to fix either of you for future ones. Not healthy for the kids either.
I do hope you’re not planning on any more kids.
OP, I’m going to say this bluntly here.
This is what probably happened. His wife bailed, he had kids to take care of, he wasn’t well emotionally and was drinking and then you show up to save the day. You stepped up to help with his drinking, divorce and kids.
He probably throughout the years became to realize that you were just there to help him out but now he doesn’t need you in that way anymore. The truth is he used you for what you were providing him in his time of need and that doesn’t really involve loving you. His behavior towards you and your kids will just gonna go down hill from now on. He will find more and more things to criticize you and put you down because he doesn’t really care about you, he never did.
You need to develop some self respect and a backbone here. He shouldn’t be judging you because of your first husband is a POS when he had a poor excuse for a ex wife as well.
The sad part here is that you not only poorly chose your first husband but you did that again by choosing him as well. And that is something you are going to need to work on with therapy. The only thing you can do right now is to have some self respect and think about your kids. What your relationship with this man really brings to your life and the kids. Relationships is about giving and taking but you are the only one giving here.
Here you go another fake ass story infertility but has three kids helped in his sobriety but we’re drinking , either she’s dumb as fuck , or this is bull shit ,
Girl, leave. Jim sounds like a jerk. Whatever else he’s contributing to the relationship does not balance this other shit out. Sounds like he’s not even interested in being a dad to the child the two of you share.
You have 4 biological children, you showed up to the relationship with 3, had another.. And you had “tons of miscarriages” and suffer from infertility…
You married an alcoholic you helped with sobriety, but you were drinking with him last night and he often gets drunk and talks shit..
Ex husband is dad of the year, buying kids everything they want and sending $600/month but you complain he doesn’t help with buying things..
None of this nonsense makes any fucking sense.
YTA for wasting everyone’s time.
YTA for having another kid when you already had 6 kids between you including a special needs kids. And you are YTA for getting involved with am a with tons of issues when you have kids. You knowingly brought an alcoholic into your kids life. You knowing got involved with someone who you had to help get over his ex wife?? Do you have no self respect. And you married someone before you were sure a good relationship was established with your children who you should have been prioritizing over incredible sex. The sex may be great but you SUCK as all mother. Look at the mess you made for your kids. Yes you should get divorced but you should feel guilty as hell for dragging your kids into a doomed situation. Try to focus more on being a good mother because you have failed at that.
Well this is a lovely cluster fuck of a hot damn mess! So thoughtful of you guys to bring another child into this mess!
You’re the AH to your kids if you keep letting him treat them like this.
Sitting around drinking with the alcoholic. Nice story kid. Try to write like you are older than 12.
Yes because they are not. And 100% you made sure over the years he knew it.
Why the need to point out how great the sex is as if it had any relevance to the problem going on? It cannot be that great to subject your kids to this bullshit. You’re both assholes
I hate that you even have to ask.
There is truth at the bottom of a bottle. He didn’t marry you…he married what you could do for him.
That he expects you to step up for his kids while refusing to step up for yours is not ok.
People who love you don’t treat you like this. As a parent himself, he should absolutely treat your kids as he wants you to treat his.
You deserve so much better. SO MUCH BETTER.
I guarantee your children as aware of the imbalance here. So if you can’t do right for you? Do it for them. Teach them it’s not ok to be treated like this…and that they matter.
NTA. Unless you stay with this man-child and don’t set boundaries and expectations then enforce them.
If you aren’t ready to leave? Make marriage counseling a requirement of trying to fix things. And make it VERY clear that he needs to start treating your kids the way he wants you to treat his.
You seem to have a problem discussing things sober if at all..
It definitely should have been a conversation regarding how you both would view and treat the other children once you married.
It’s not unusual for kids whose father is still in the picture – I’ll be at from a distance – to have a different relationship with a stepdad and kids who have no other parent around like your step kids.
There’s just so many things wrong here.
If there’s ever a couple that needed counseling, it’s the two of you.
You go around with everything left unsaid, you’ve allowed this man who ignore your children for years because he doesn’t abuse them. Don’t you know that being treated like you don’t matter hurts kids?
Why did he need to get drunk and say it outright when you’ve been watching him live it?
He doesn’t see himself as their parent because he doesn’t see you as his wife. You were a rebound that made life easier because you looked after his kids and his needs. Does he show you affection, kindness,
and care? Does he love your kids?
“ EDIT: he’s not an alcoholic.”
He sure fucking sounds like one.
If he’s supposed to be sober why is he drinking?
You’re a disaster on two legs and your kids deserve better. Shame on you, Op.
Omg, I am so sorry that you are in this situation.
You are a much better woman than me!! If I had a few drinks in me and dude popped off like that, I would have went lower. Like the pettiest level of low!!!
It could go a little something like this….
“Oh, so I married a Pu$$y??? Looks like I made that mistake twice!!! No wonder your Ex cheated on you and left you to raise the kids because you are definitely NOT a man!”
I mean, you admit you married a shitty guy with a lot of problems and baggage and are now surprised that he’s not that good of a person? Cmon now
JFC….
He married a mom for his kids and yours are the price he had to pay. And he resents it.
ESH. For many of the reasons other have noted here.
You two deserve each other.
These poor kids have not a single competent parent between them. God knows they deserve better parents than all of the adults involved here. My goodness alive.
You are with a man who can’t control his alcohol. Neither of you ever established the rules regarding each others kids. Both of you have losers for coparents.
To be fair….your husband is right on one thing…. you DID have 3 kids with a pussy. Call your ex out for what he is…. but that also means you picked him, three times. You have to hold your L on that one.
That neing said, alcohol is no excuse for acting like an ass. He was an asshole for saying what he said.
All of you need serious help. Get it for your kids’ sake.
this sub really needs to disallow posts from account with less than 100 karma. This account has 8. 8 karma. WTF
Ok, this one of 2 possibilities:
1 – next time you write a fake post, tone it down just a small bit. Drugs, alcohol, run away kid, drug addict mom, absent dad, autism, special needs, infertility (you have 4 bui kids, what?,l), and he’s oh so very clearly a dick? Mate. Half of that would have given you the verdict you’re looking for here.
2 – If it’s real, then damn, love, you had to file his divorce papers for him? I mean.. are you sure he ever actually wanted to be with you? He’s not resenting your kids, he’s resenting you, love.
So. Your kids aren’t his problem but you do all kinds of stuff for his, right? Hes a butthole.
This is why divorced people with kids shouldn’t get married until the last child is out of the house.
This was a mess before the marriage. It became messier after the marriage. You both bring children into this and then have another one together. Lady, you have more issues than a magazine. You need to make better decisions for yourself and your kids
If this is a true story, then you are NTA for making a change of status. If all this jerk has going for him is good sex and loyalty that is not enough for a marriage, especially with blended family dynamics. Put your kids and yourself first and plan your exit. You can offer to the step kids you are close to that you will stay in their lives if they choose, but get away from someone who resents your kids and treats them with such disdain.
NTA He was fine with you being a mother for his kids but doesn’t want to be a father for yours? I’m a huge believer of making expectations and boundaries extra clear from the beginning of a relationship, and I would usually say don’t make assumptions that your partner has the same idea of what a relationship is. However is there is one thing one should absolutely assume is that if you marry someone who has children, you will be a parental figure (if not fully a parent) for the kids.
You deserve better and so do your kids. I hope you get to still have his kids in your life if that is your wish considering you seem to care about them.
GD, I feel sorry for these kids. All 4 parents suck
Jim has never abused them or anything, just doesn’t show much interest in them.
That is emotional abuse. Yes, abuse isn’t just hitting or being physically aggressive.
The drinking part made me do a double take. I’m sorry, he sounds like a jerk. I wouldn’t want him for a friend let alone a husband. Don’t abandon your relationship with his kids, they need you. You need to get out and live your best life.
Damn. You should have divorced him already. He doesn’t like your children. How do your kids feel living under a roof with a man who doesn’t like them. He openly shows he doesn’t like them.
Cut your losses. Your kids come first.
Drinking last night?? Did he fall off the wagon and you just forgot about supporting his sobriety between paragraphs? Hard to believe but the son who split to live with his drug addict mother probably got the better deal. You’re living in hell and have no idea. At least the sex is incredible.
Whelp ask yourself if you’re better off with or without him, i mean could you make it financially with 4 kids?
You sure are making a lot of excuses for him there in your edit. But how is this even a question?
Why did you marry him before having that conversation?
“You always get the truth from small kids and drunks.”
INCREDIBLE sex? Get your back blown out one last time before you get the hello out of there. The words that he said never should have been spoken out into the air. He should have been a better person to your kids. And believe me, they know it, and they don’t deserve living like that. i hope you have a good career like a registered nurse or you know, some professional career where you make really good six figures that can take care of your own family, because this guy, this verbal abuse is horrible.Get out of there as soon as you can, but you know, like I said the back shall be blownEth outteth. 😜
NTA but also you didn’t need a whole post for the answer. The title tells me enough.
Kids should ALWAYS come before a man!
You and your kids are a package deal. He doesn’t get to pick and choose the ones he likes.
On top of that you admitted yourself this guy is a walking red flag. If you leave maybe give his kids your number and let them know you will still be their mom or a mom figure for them when you’re gone. They love you and don’t deserve to be stuck alone with someone like him.
I don’t care if he was drunk or not what he said was out of line. I promise you he’s been thinking it for a while. The alcohol just gave him the courage to say it out loud.
You could try marriage counselling but 1. I doubt a guy like him would go or take it seriously if he did and 2. It’s probably not going to work and will just delay the inevitable.
Jim is mad because you had kids with a pussy, but he has no accountability for having kids with a druggie ho?
Seems you both have an opportunity to be stable adults in each other’s lives. You are doing that, and he is not.
And reading between the lines, there are a ton of other red flags as others have noted.
Nice rage bait from a 3 hour old account.
> “He’s not an alcoholic. When I say I helped him with his sobriety this was when he was heavily drinking at the beginning of our relationship due to not dealing with…..”
Uh. What exactly do you think an alcoholic is? You’ve enabled that AH for years.
>”helped him get through his wife’s cheating and helped him file for divorce”
You don’t have a partner, lady, you have an 8th child.
An 8th child to care for who has a drinking problem and is an absolute shit partner.
> “the sex is amazing”
Well, at least there’s that since he’s worthless for anything else.
There is no better time than now to leave and start fresh.
You’re an asshole for staying with him this long. Your kids deserve better.
The better question is, is it in my children’s best interests to live with someone who feels this way about them?
Do you love him, knowing how he feels?
NTA this favoritism is hurting your kids! Make it stop.
Sorry, YTA. You clearly don’t want advice because when people started to give it, you immediately went back and started revising your story and making excuses for the dipshit.
Also, you have 4 kids but fertility issues?
And when the only thing you capitalize is the INCREDIBLE sex, it’s clear that’s what matters most.
If your kids resent him, and you allow them to disrespect him in his own home, I don’t blame him for not wanting anything to do with your kids. He is not legally allowed to any sort of claim on your kids, and they don’t treat him well, so why would he want to spend his money on them?
Seems to me you think the “father role” is that of an ATM. Its not. If the kids would accept him, I’m sure he would be happy to spend time with them. He is not obligated to pay for them, as they aren’t his – and their own father pays child support.
NTA. I also have a blended family and while my husband and I sometimes dispute the best way to parent/discipline, etc and the final say is given to the bio parent of the child in question- we both treat each others kids as our own and have made a point to have relationships with all of them and do things as a family. I’ve overheard my husband talking about my bio daughter’s accomplishments (his step daughter) and he refers to her as “my daughter….” My kids have a dad in their lives that they see regularly, and my husband doesn’t try to take his place, but in our house he’s the dad, I’m the mom and the kids are our kids.
All that to say, your husband is an asshole and I don’t think I could stay with someone that talked about my kids or me like that.
YTA for ever marrying him to begin with. But I guess the sex was amazing, so it’s ok right? He’s an asshole. And your an asshole for making him their stepdad without ever having a discussion of what that looked like. Now they have two shitty father figures.
This is either fake or you’re an idiot
YTA. There is NO way that in the past 8 years of being together (5 married) that your husband has been treating your boys well if this is his mindset. It seems to me that you have had blinders on, only seeing what you want to see (fantastic sex, he doesn’t cheat and doesn’t abuse your kids) in order to ignore the fact that he hasn’t wanted to be there in a step-father role. I bet that your kids recognize that he doesn’t really like them.
WTF did I just read? Get out.
Your poor kids
NTA, run and don’t look back. Also, quit ignoring red flags in men. They’re not fixable.
You should have never married him, let alone gad a kid with him. You and your kids deserved better. Start making him doing the work for his children, full stop. Because he needs to ve ore p ared when you file for divirce
YTA he’s not interested in your children and you feel like he treats them differently and yet you still married him? I feel it’s fair to say you are not a great mother and need to finally prioritize your children.
You shouldn’t even have been with him, let alone marry him in the first place…. so yes, with everything you described, please divorce him
Honestly — yes. Your kids do not not need to be raised in a home where one parental figure (no matter how much he denies it) holds them in such distain. So did he think that, when you and he married, you would not have anything to do with HIS kids? What needed to be “on the table”? You have kids, he has kids — let’s make this family work, right? Apparently not. Please — it’s time to throw in the towel and get your kids out of this mess. He’s no help anyway, and he isn’t contributing anything, and now he’s actively mocking your kids. Mama Bear needs to make tracks.
Divorce this man, get therapy, for you ad your children. And for, the record, he is an alcoholic and you are in denial
You said you dont have a relationship with husband’s older son bc “he ran off to live with his drug addict mom.” The way you wrote this feels like you have no compassion for him. Addict or not, that’s his mom, and you have six other children in the house, an alcoholic father who has ranted drunkenly about the kids before, and a special needs daughter. Maybe the oldest kid needed some quiet ffs. And you’ve been entangled with this family since before the divorce? None of this sounds healthy. NTA for leaving. But you should have skipped the post and been using that time to pack your stuff. Get out yesterday, for your kids.
🚩🚩🚩🚩bye Jim
Get your finances in order and a game plan, contact an attorney and file.
Oh wow. You guys shouldn’t have got married in the first place — six poor kids in a messed-up situation.
I hope that you two are able to sort things out in a way that creates as little disruption for your kids as possible.
Ok, first off, he is an alcoholic. A mean drunk like that has alcoholic written all over it. I come from a family of them. I may not be an expert but I do have experience. YTA for making excuses for him while he abuses you and neglects yours and his kids. Get out and get some solid therapy, you are a codependent and need to understand why you’re gravitating to these losers.
NTA, so it sounds like he’s waiting for you to apologize for him being a jerk! The truth always comes out when people drink. You should leave him for your kids sake.
Girl…never build a man. They’re takers, you end up being their mamas and they resent you for it. And he used you so he wouldn’t have to do all the work for his kids. He’s a lazy git
Drop that loser and love yourself & your kids.
So… you are his bangmaid?
May this type of love never find me.
You have made one bad decision after the next and you wonder why your life is such a mess. YTA.
Of course he’s an alcoholic – just because he’s not raging drunk all the time doesn’t mean he’s not addicted to alcohol. Get out of there.
You are married and blended! They are all both of your responsibilities! He is an ass hat!
This is what will save reality TV. Give these people a show!!!
I sure as shit couldnt be with someone who talked about me or my kids like that. Hell naw. Imagine how he treats them when youre not around.
NTA
Op, what you describe in your update is functional alcoholism.
My mom’s like that. Shes still an alcoholic. And neither of her kids will talk to her.
So 2 of your kids don’t like Jim and would rather live with their dad? It would take an emotionally mature man to ignore that and become a father figure to kids who don’t want him around. I’m not trying to justify what Jim said was okay, I’m just trying to give more perspective. If only your autistic son were living with you, do you think Jim would say what he did? Is he even a good father to his own kids?
The reason his 2 kids have a relationship with you is because they want it. Their mom is a piece of shit, you’re not and you obviously make yourself available to them.