I’m a 100% disabled veteran and I won’t let my stepson(16m) use my benefits to pay for his collage. A little background info on our relationship. He wants nothing to do with me or my biological kids, he disrespects and disrupts me and undermines me when he has the opportunity. His mother asked him to go with her to a store the other day and he said yes. When he found out all the family was going he refused to go. He said he thought it was only him and his mother going to the store. Went on a family vacation and he refused to do anything with me or my sons. I’ve even had him sit down with his mother and I and asked him what we could do to work on our relationship. He said nothing we can do about it. I asked if he would change his behavior toward me because it’s hurting his mom and he said he’s not going to change anything. Even if his behavior hurts his mom. This is very frustrating because I truly don’t want our relationship to be like this.
AITAH for telling my teenage stepson that I won’t let him use my VA benefits to pay for his college
r/AITAH
Comments
This is about way more than your vet benefits. You don’t give the history of where his bio-dad is or how long you’ve been with his mom, but you might shift your target from becoming one family towards how to get through until 16M is up and out of your house.
No where does it say anything that he expects to use your VA Benefits for college. And he’s only 16. So, 2 more years before graduation. How does your benefits work for stepchildren? Do you even know?
So much missing from your post.
If he treated me that way, the only thing I’d give him is the boot.
You’re not the AH. This is a life lesson, people will not help you if you treat them with absolute disrespect and contempt.
When he’s 18 tell him to earn his own GI bill benefits.
There much that’s left out of this story. Why does he dislike you and your family? Did mom leave his dad to be with you?
First of all, thank you for your service and welcome home.
NAH, this is a pretty normal situation with a 16 year old. I understand that you want peace in the family and you also want to show him that actions have consequences.
You didn’t say this explicitly, so forgive me if I’m incorrect, but it sounds like you and your wife are letting a child control your emotions. That’s not fair to the 16yo and it’s not fair to you. Don’t allow him to influence your emotional state.
You used the word “disrespect” in regards to his decision to back out of the shopping trip. I’m confused as to what you consider respect to be. If respect to you equals “do what we would like you to do/you need to like the rest of the family unit” you’re not going to make much headway here. He initially agreed to something, he found out that the conditions changed, and he changed his mind. That’s not disrespectful.
If I were in your shoes, I would invite him to collab with you to make rules on what respect means and how the family should do things. Give him some control over his life so that he doesn’t feel like you’re an unwanted authority. Let go of the VA benefit situation for the time being until he understands what he would need to do if he wants access to those privileges.
YTA Unless it costs you anything or reduces what your sons get in any way, give it to him. Do it for your wife, so she has less stress on herself.
I’m also curious what your step son’s side of the story is.
YTA. To be honest, it sounds like you are just going to prove your stepson right all along. Disrupts you? Like, come on, he is a teenager. Also, the layers of hypocrisy here. Do you think his mom will be hurt more by her teenager back-talking her husband or her adult partner withholding a chance for post-secondary education for her son without insane debt? You don’t want the relationship to be like this, but also, you are like hold my beer while I do something super petty that we can’t recover from. You both sound like immature fools, but the stepson is a teenager, what exactly is your excuse?
This kid was disowned by his bio father the second he was born but you’re struggling to understand why he hasn’t accepted you?
He met you when he was 11. He barely knows you.
It’s hard to blame a traumatized kid for acting like an asshole.
I do blame you for getting so upset that a kid wants 1:1 time with his mom.
ESH
NAH if you want to keep his mother happy you will let him use it, otherwise he will need to completely separate himself from his mother and you legally so your income won’t effect this ability to get student loans.
Peace would be amazing! He’s a totally different person when he’s away from the house. He’s happy, laughs and even smiles when he’s not around me. His mom even said he is. Which makes me think he’s being this way toward me intentionally. His attitude towards me over the last five years has changed for the worse. If I used that as an example of disrespect, I apologize. I understand that it isn’t. It was meant as an example to show how he doesn’t want to do anything with me or my sons. We had a family vacation that centered around swimming and fishing this summer, we had a similar vacation last summer and he had fun, this summer he didn’t want to do anything. After we get home from the vacation I find out that he hates swimming. Those are some very good suggestions to try with him. Thank you for your advice.
Sounds like everyone could benefit from family and individual therapy.
If he truly wants nothing to do with you that NTA
you are after all just complaining with his wishes.
You’re the asshole. Stop trying to replace the kids dad just accept him and give him space and it costs you nothing to help him get educated. If you could send a stranger to college for free you’d be an asshole to say no.
Normally I don’t judge these situations but I just gotta ask… why the F are you even asking this? If he won’t show you a modicum of decency then you obviously don’t owe him anything. Even if his mother/your wife asks you to the answer should still be No to using your benefits and you still wouldn’t be anything close to an asshole.
NTAH: send him out into the world to learn about hard work, respect, & gratitude. He needs to learn the lessons of life the hard way on the struggle bus.
Tell him he has two years to learn to respect others. When he’s 18, if he hasn’t shown change over time, he’s on his own.
PLEASE don’t teach him that entitled, obnoxious behavior is rewarded. Our country is suffering enough because of kids being mollycoddled.
I don’t know if denying to help your wife’s son is a very smart thing to do if it’s not going to cost you anything. Yes I understand that he doesn’t deserve much help from you but are you not just making the whole situation worse?
Maybe it would be smart to sit and talk with the boy about how he can earn your help rather than give him more reasons to hate you and his siblings. He needs to see that all the kids are treated the same, you can’t deny him something but give to your birth children, you’re just creating more resentment if you do.
Bargain with him for your help in going to college. Good grades in school, say a “B” average. Doing chores around the house, getting a part time job. Just about anything that could have a good influence on him should be considered. The kid obviously has issues with his mother’s marriage to you. He’s a kid acting in a childish way, I just don’t think you should just cut him off and throw him away because he’s choosing to act out in a childish way. Therapy or something that could help him cope with what has happened with his parents relationship. Shit happens in life and we all have to learn to deal with it. He’s a kid that doesn’t understand what harm he is doing not only to himself but to his mother and siblings.
Look when he turns eighteen and he hasn’t modified his behavior you can show him the door providing your wife is on board with the idea.
I suggest you and your wife come up with a plan on how you both are going to deal with the boy over the next two years. I further suggest you try the carrot and the stick way of handling the situation with the college matter. Make him earn your help. There is more to going to college than getting some scholarship, a lot of other cost are involved.
The important thing is to work with your wife, your a team, a partnership so don’t let the boy use all of this to drive a wedge between you and your wife, that’s all he has been doing all along. He wants your marriage to fail. Don’t give up on the kid, surely you’re not going to let a 16 year old kid out smart you…
Best of luck …..
YTA. Why financially cripple this kid? You want revenge for him not being accepting enough toward you and your kids but he didn’t choose for his mom to get remarried, it’s something he’s just living with. Most kids really struggle with being thrown into a brand new family, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t his stepfather and shouldn’t still want the best for him.
> His mother asked him to go with her to a store the other day and he said yes. When he found out all the family was going he refused to go.
It makes sense that he thought it was going to be quality time with his mom, but didn’t want to spend more time with the whole family that he’s not happy in. His mom tricked him so he refused to stand for it. Not surprising.
It feels childish for a grown adult to try and punish a kid like this. Being a step-parent is no easy task and many times your stepchild has a complicated and even bad relationship with you. That doesn’t mean you should punish him with tens of thousands of dollars in student loans or military service to secure his own benefits.
There’s a reason why he doesn’t like you. I don’t think he’s being a senseless jerk to you, especially since you all used to have a good relationship. Something is wrong. He’s turned a major corner in maturity from 11 to 16 so I’d keep working to figure out what has made him so unhappy within the family. Could be a million things.
NTA
He (rightfully and understandably) doesn’t see you as anything to him. He’s not entitled to your benefits. Lol
Sounds like he needs the military himself for discipline.
I don’t think you’d be wrong but when he’s older and not a 16 year old young man raging with hormones and anger at the world, do you want to be vindicated for how he treats you now or do you want to be a part of the reason he could go to school and mature as he learns? While how he is treating you now is horrible, he’s 16, he’s hopefully going to change and mature and with that your relationship will change. You can choose now to not allow it and that’s your choice, but how you act now as a fully grown adult will definitely change the relationship you have in a few years. Is there a reason for his anger? Is your relationship with your wife due to an affair? How you deal with this now will 100% affect your relationship for the rest of your marriage and while saying no and sticking it to him might feel good now, this will ensure you never have the relationship you want with him.
This is going to be unpopular – Maybe letting him use your benefits and helping him out might help this relationship. Also you need to share more info – how old was he when you married his mom? How old are you kids? How have you and your kids treated him? Does he mistreat you or does he just want to be left alone? Does he get any time alone with just his mom? Or is she fully engaged with taking care of you and your kids?
If all he wants is time with his mom and to be left alone – that feels like normal teen behavior to me.
He seems to have a lot of hurt and anger and being kind might help. Being a teen is already hard without it being harder at home.
NTA but you should think of being a parent and taking the higher road. Especially with tuition benefits that could saddle him with a loan for life.
NTA
He chose his stance …
no benefits is the result.
Why did you and wife move in and get married with him behaving this way?
he’s not even ur kid fuck em
You don’t have a choice here.. doubly so if you have been collecting entitlements claiming him as a dependant.
You dont get to deny him,
His benifits thru you are separate and you have zero control over it.
All he has to do is file thru the registers office or the county VA office.
So you hold zero cards here sorry.
You dont get to authorize or deny him.in fact you have nothing to do with it at all except your social security number thats used to check your status.
Dm if you want more info how I know this.
**
I have to edit this for the people who can’t read
THIS IS NOT ABOUT HIS GI BILL
This is for a separate program for 100 percent disabled vets.
Again not his GI Bill
The dummies downvoting are confused thinking this apply for the GI bill
Does it cost you anything? If not, YTA.
Absolutely do NOT pay for his college. He’s a disrespectful weasel and actions have consequences… let him know exactly that. He needs to grow TF up. With time, he may. Save those benefits for someone that does respect you. NTA.
You want to purposely limit your stepsons education because he’s acting like a teenager? It won’t cost you a single penny, and that’s still too much to give, really? Do you give a shit about your wife? Do you want to have her blaming you when he goes no contact? Your wife will resent you for it when she isn’t allowed to meet her grandkids. YTA!
If he’s eligible for the benefits (your comments indicate he is) is it bureaucratically possible for you to prevent him from using them? Something to consider.
You say you have been with his Mom for five years and it sounds like the kids you brought into the marriage are younger. Is it possible that he is being the type of moody teenager most of us were and misses the close relationship he had with his Mom before you two were together and he gained younger siblings? Does he get 1:1 time with his Mom and has their relationship taken a back seat to her relationship with you and your kids? His disappointment about not even being able to have time with his Mom to run to the grocery store would indicate he’s really struggling. Consider all this from his POV and question whether you were an insightful and empathetic human at 16. Most of us were not able to see beyond ourselves and our own mad mixture of hormones and angst at that age. Be the adult and show him how a kind, powerful, compassionate father figure acts and model the kind of man you hope he becomes.
How could you let him use your GI Bill benefits? Did you make the election to give it to each of your children prior to ETS? How long did you serve?
It may not be an option for him.
Is he getting any 1:1 time with his mom?
YTA specifically because there’s a chance that because of whatever benefits you’re receiving, if you’re married to his mom then FAFSA might not give him as much as they would if it was just his mother in the picture. if your benefits are taken into consideration when deciding how much aid he’s given and you refuse to help him and instead he’s forced to take out loans from someone more predatory just to get through college, then you’re absolutely TA. also, idk if you remember being a 16 but i feel like it’s absolutely normal to be a shithead when you’re that age, and you shouldn’t be ruining his future (because the sad reality is that if he’s forced to take out loans that will absolutely put him behind in life), just because he’s a shitty teenager (newsflash: teenagers fucking suck. as long as he’s not outwardly being a giant dick and the only problem is that yall aren’t close, you should absolutely stick by him)