my (23F) mom (45F) is planning on dating a 17-year-prisoner that was convicted of rape. she’s claiming that the victim “lied”, & “he is okay as long as he changed for the better & wasn’t a serial rapist”. he’s eligible to be released february of next year & they’ve met in person once as far as i know. the guy is also her friend’s son.
i couldn’t believe what i was hearing from her—no matter how i tried to warn her of this being a terrible decision, she didn’t listen & simply said that i would “give him a chance someday” & “what if he’s nice?”
i’m horrified, because i am a victim of SA & my mom knows this. even if i wasn’t, i would NEVER want to live with, or feel safe living with someone like that. unfortunately, i’m in a position where i can’t afford to live on my own & i just don’t know what to do. i feel stuck. i feel like my mother failed me. i feel like i failed myself for not being independent by now.
i don’t feel safe in my own home anymore.
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love after lock up still on?
Omg I’m so sorry this is happening to you. But this is crazy that your mother would even want to date this person …. Try your best to stay away from this man. I hope you can find your own place soon
I read it as a 17yr old and my heart dropped for a minute
Edit-also, OP, your mom can NEVER bring up any mistakes you made in the past, she lost all rights to that
He SERVED 17 years? What was his original sentence? That is a very hefty amount of time, even for a rape charge.
You might want to do some more digging on this guy and find out what’s up. His criminal record as a felon will be public.
The answer is simple, but not necessarily easy. If you are uncomfortable with your mother’s choices, and you truly believe it will have a negative impact on your quality of life, you should take steps to move out by February.
Your mom is a fucking idiot. I’m sorry you have to deal with this! Hopefully you can find a place of your own if possible before he gets released
45 and 17?? That’s disturbing enough on its own, because what the fuck could a 45 and 17 year old have in common?
Imprisoned for 17 years? Where are y’all located cause it sounds like he did more than just SA someone 😬
I guess your mom will have to find out the hard way if this guy is any good or not. Shame on her for bringing him around you.
I would do ur best to save and find a roommate . My mother’s husband molested me for years and when I said something she took his side… some mothers just care about themselves.
I’m so sorry. Were you able to find out the details of his conviction(s)? How old is this dude, if he’s her friend’s son? How the heck did she start corresponding with him? Parents of sex offenders often minimize and victim blame because they can’t accept what their kid did (or they modeled behavior that led to the SA), so if she’s basing all of this on info from her friend and the convict, she does not have the full story.
If you are 23, there may be options for you regarding housing — dad? Friends? Random roommates? A dorm? A DV shelter? Do you have any income/savings or assets you could sell if necessary? You definitely need to stay away from your mom if she’s either being groomed or so brainwashed that she thinks any of this is acceptable. Maybe also remind her that if you have kids someday and she marries this sex offender, your kids also won’t be allowed to visit her or be around that guy.
If your mom thinks 17 years in prison is capable of making anyone a better person, she’s a fool. This guy will absolutely be worse than he was when he went it.
“It’s okay that he raped as long as it wasn’t a lot” is pretty fucking unhinged.
Try to find some roommates and make your way out of there.
The law is disgustingly lenient on SA so to get 17 years I’d get those records. You can’t save your mom from herself but you can make sure she has visibility to who she is dating.
You got 5 months to save for a car and out of there.
People make bad choices all the time. This sounds like one. But all you can do is warn her.
If my mom tried this I would tell her I love her but I couldn’t be her friend if she went through with it. I’d tell her she is nuts. Then I would move out, if applicable.
17 years is CRAZY! This guy must have done some real shit. She is probably so blinded by the fact that he is young. I wonder if he is after $
You’re 23 years old. I lived on my own and paid all my own bills at age 18. Start looking for a decent or better job right now. Look for a trustworthy roommate with a stable job, to split rent with. Get out of that house and start your adult life, because your mom is never, ever going to change.
Live with roommates. Move out.
Your mom ISNT safe. She’s actually completely delusional and actively unsafe. I’m sad she is so lovely and insecure she’s humoring this but you can’t fix that for her. You just have to leave.
Won’t help but “she lied” and “he’s changed” are kinda opposites
You have six months to enact a plan to save money and get out. Don’t look for an apartment; look for a ROOM close to your job.
You need to not live with her. Simple as
Get armed and get extra locks
What is holding you back from being able to be independent?
On the other side, what do you already have going for you that will help you take steps to become independent?
Um he has done something more than just R***, because you don’t serve 17 years for just that, I’d be researching this piece of 💩.
Just looked up the penalty for rape in Ohio – it’s up to 11 years, unless the victim was younger than 13 or it’s not the perp’s first rape conviction.
You need to get out asap, and don’t let your mother know where you move to. This guy is a predator.
Just freaking believe woman! Your feelings are valid and you need to protect yourself. I’m sorry you are in this situation. Can you contact your local housing authority and see if you might qualify for housing assistance? Can you look for a small apartment with a female roommate?
17 years in the Penn on sex crimes charges? Everything else aside, that guy is probably riddled with STD’s from the prison justice crowd….i’d guess a rapist with 17 years in jail has a 99% chance of having similar things done to him by fellow inmates.
Fuck that guy, keep an eye on him, guaranteed you can spot him breaking his parole in one way or another, then call him in
You gotta move out. Your mother is a piece of shit and doesnt care about you. Sorry.
I would save as much as you can and look for roommates so you can move out and I’d never speak to her again
You have from now until February to get your life together. As expensive as things are-you’ll probably need a roommate. GET your life together OP.
Write your mother a letter, sometimes it’s easier to write than speak. Say what you told us-you’re a sexual assault survivor, not a victim. You’re a survivor and she’s dating a predator.
Tell your mama a long time police officer told you that he may be a serial rapist, finally someone told on him. They don’t find guys guilty of sexual assault and give them 18 years in prison. It’s possible he has earned good time and is getting out earlier than his sentence.
Do know that you can get information on someone’s trial and all the information about it.
Today most counties (if you’re in America) have their Clerk of Court records online. Criminal court and civil court cases are online. Sexual assault cases will have the victims name and address redacted.
I would start there if I were you, all you need is his full name and an idea of his birth year to make sure you have the right person’s record.
Get online and see if you can look at the case. At the minimum it will have an arrest affidavit for what the charges are and what happened.
He may have been indicted by a Grand Jury.
He obviously went to trial and either pled down to a lesser charge than First Degree Rape OR he may have gone to trial and been found guilty.
You can bet the victim wasn’t his first.
You’re looking for points to make with your mother about him being a liar, a predator. Because to get out and be in line with your probation officer is to have a place to live (your moms) and someone to support you until you get on your feet. And that’s what he’s looking for and found in your mom.
Good luck OP. Reach out if you have any questions and if I don’t know the answer, I will find out for you.
Why is your mother writing, hooking up with a convict? Is that the only way she can meet someone?
Youre not wrong. Your mother is a terrible person tbh. Let her risk her safety but not yours. You can’t control her. Since he’s eligible to be released in February you have until then (possibly more time if she isn’t released). Get a job if you don’t have one and save money. Figure out the cost of living in your area and possibly relocate to a cheaper one if need be. It won’t be easy but it will be much better than the chaos your mom will invite into her home come February. I’m sure he’s going to live with her when he gets out.
Yea uh I mean you could always just call ICE and say he’s a Mexican here raping women , that should buy you a year or two from what I read they’re just locking people up on suspicion alone so there’s always thst
Time to go no contact. There is no reason you should ever enter the same room as that piece of shit.
Your mom is the predator.
Better start saving money
“Future sex offender”?
What everyone else is saying he should be in public records look up his charges because there is more to the story she either doesn’t know or isn’t telling. Find a job make as much money as possible before this happens and move out even if its a studio apartment, it would be safer than your situation.
If you are 23 you should move out and stay out of this situation!
You need to move out before February.
Your mother reminds me of my mother’s friend Anne. She married a convicted rapist after he was released, I never saw him, Anne moved away after about a year & they lost touch.
My mother said he was nice when Anne was around but when they were alone, if Anne went to the toilet or whatever, He would show his true colours.
I’m guessing when/if you have children, you won’t be hanging out anywhere near him.
Ugh you need to get out of there. This man is seriously dangerous. The fact that your mom met someone in prison for rape and decided to date him says she’s not well either
Can you move out before he is released? I am sorry you are dealing with this
Massive red flag. Report him first chance you get. Also, CRINGE! What does a 45 yr old have in common with a 17 yr old?
I read 17 year old too lol. Have her watch some of those crazy shows like Love after Lockup. These convicts have nothing but time on their hands all day, and most are very good at cons, lying, and are extremely manipulative. They know exactly what to say to get what they want. 17 years is a long time to be incarcerated for a sex crime so I’m sure there is a lot more to the story. See if you can get some more info on this guy and this crime that was based on a “lie”, a lot of times there is public record or access if you look hard enough. Seems like your Mom got reeled into to some serious manipulation and deception.
You need to put yourself into a position to move out by any means necessary, that’s going to be the only thing you have control over.
Will it be difficult? Of course. But it’s not impossible. You may have to lose out on other things (financial stability, free time, etc) in your life to secure your safety. There are so many times life will put us between a rock and a hard place, and every decision ends up with us losing something. This might be one of those times, but ask yourself what you can live with.
None of this is your fault, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. As a fellow survivor this is unimaginably triggering. Do you have any local survivor support organizations in your area? If not maybe you can try reaching out to RAINN to see if they can help you. You could receive free counseling, but they may also be able to help you make a safety plan and connect you with resources to figure out a new living situation. I hope the best for you and I’m sorry your mom is like this. I hope you’re able to get into a position where you can set healthy boundaries with her (including going no contact if that is what’s best for you).
GTFO as quick as you can. Her friend’s son? A rapist? Someone hurt your mom real bad, and she needs trauma therapy.
UpdateMe!
Sorry to say but, hug and kiss your mom. Because the dude will probably end up snuffing her out.
I would ask a friend or other family member if they’d be willing to let you stay with them until you can move out once he’s released. I’m assuming she’ll ask him or let him stay with her. If you’re not working, find any job to save up some money to move out. If you do have a job then save up to move out. I feel scared for her but you need to do what you can to protect yourself first.
Your mom sounds like a narcissist.
She would be considered a rapist f she does this.
Has your mom had a medical assessment to see if there is a brain tumour or other neurological problem affecting her judgment?
Where do you live? Wouldn’t he have to be on a sex offender registry? Make sure any schools, churches, playgrounds, etc. are aware of his release. Post flyers if you can. Wouldn’t he have to live at a registered address or a half way house after his release?
Get a bunch of serious deadbolts for your bedroom and start making an exit strategy. Do you have any other family or friends you could stay with? Even a shelter?
Your mother is awful, sorry. Does she need a mental health evaluation?
I used to work with a couple of women who would always check the recent intake photos online looking for cute guys and I could never understand why a felon would be any kind of draw.
Sounds like its time to go no-contact with your mom permanently.