(Sorry for the bad English)
My husband is older than me and has two boys from a precedent union. My husband doesn’t have a steady work, and even though he works 60hrs a week, he rarely takes a holiday. Because he can’t.
Being a teacher, I have a lot of holidays. And in the past 10 years, I accepted to take care of my sons-in-law on holyday (usually for a week).
I precise that I am autistic, and it’s really hard to cope with a “new” person inside my home. Plus, we have a very small house. I usually have a crisis once they leave. But I manage to “wait” until then.
The boys are now 21 and 24. The oldest have a steady work for three years now, but refuse to pass his driving license, and still lives at his mom’s house. He doesn’t pay for anything as long as I know.
Last week I had the youngest at home. It went fine. But this week I had the oldest. He came with his girlfriend (18). (Not easy for me – new).
I thought he was going to visit the town with his girlfriend. Eventually, I would’ve drive them once or twice.
On the morning on the second day, I understood than his plan was to squat on my couch from day to dawn, playing video games or watching tic toc vidéos.
I cook a lot, being on a diet, they didn’t appreciate anything I prepared. We have to call them twice for them to come on the table (they’re 1 meter away). They didn’t thanks me once.
Rather than having a conversation they whispers to each other ears.
Not once did they propose to help put on the dishes or cleaning them. (His little sisters 4 and 10 does it !)
They go in the bathroom together to shower. (I feel like a prude but COME ON it isn’t their house for God’s sake, his young sisters are in the same 80 meters square house).
On the sole occasion I drag them out the house (had to firmly insist) she mentioned during the walk something about “not grabbing her bosom tonight”. 4 year old sister just next to her.
On the morning on the fourth day, after two nocturn crisis, I decide to simply disappear from my own home, leaving them with the dirty dishes I wasn’t able to clean the last day because I was exhausted. (The rice is still rotting on the table, didn’t get the message)
I came back at 9 o clock with my daughter. Tonight I refused to go on a family dinner party just to be able to rest.
I just don’t want to go through this anymore. My husband doesn’t want to tell anything to his boy because he “won’t come anymore”.
I couldn’t care less the boy is 24 and can pay his own damn apartment. He only lives one hour away. AITA if I don’t want him to come on holyday anymore ? I told my husband than next time I wouldn’t be here. I refuse to be a private servant or to be sick anymore for a child which isn’t mine.
They leave tomorrow. I have still to figure where I’m gonna disappear on the next day.
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(Sorry for the bad English)
My husband is older than me and has two boys from a precedent union. My husband doesn’t have a steady work, and even though he works 60hrs a week, he rarely takes a holiday. Because he can’t.
Being a teacher, I have a lot of holidays. And in the past 10 years, I accepted to take care of my sons-in-law on holyday (usually for a week).
I precise that I am autistic, and it’s really hard to cope with a “new” person inside my home. Plus, we have a very small house. I usually have a crisis once they leave. But I manage to “wait” until then.
The boys are now 21 and 24. The oldest have a steady work for three years now, but refuse to pass his driving license, and still lives at his mom’s house. He doesn’t pay for anything as long as I know.
Last week I had the youngest at home. It went fine. But this week I had the oldest. He came with his girlfriend (18). (Not easy for me – new).
I thought he was going to visit the town with his girlfriend. Eventually, I would’ve drive them once or twice.
On the morning on the second day, I understood than his plan was to squat on my couch from day to dawn, playing video games or watching tic toc vidéos.
I cook a lot, being on a diet, they didn’t appreciate anything I prepared. We have to call them twice for them to come on the table (they’re 1 meter away). They didn’t thanks me once.
Rather than having a conversation they whispers to each other ears.
Not once did they propose to help put on the dishes or cleaning them. (His little sisters 4 and 10 does it !)
They go in the bathroom together to shower. (I feel like a prude but COME ON it isn’t their house for God’s sake, his young sisters are in the same 80 meters square house).
On the sole occasion I drag them out the house (had to firmly insist) she mentioned during the walk something about “not grabbing her bosom tonight”. 4 year old sister just next to her.
On the morning on the fourth day, after two nocturn crisis, I decide to simply disappear from my own home, leaving them with the dirty dishes I wasn’t able to clean the last day because I was exhausted. (The rice is still rotting on the table, didn’t get the message)
I came back at 9 o clock with my daughter. Tonight I refused to go on a family dinner party just to be able to rest.
I just don’t want to go through this anymore. My husband doesn’t want to tell anything to his boy because he “won’t come anymore”.
I couldn’t care less the boy is 24 and can pay his own damn apartment. He only lives one hour away. AITA if I don’t want him to come on holyday anymore ? I told my husband than next time I wouldn’t be here. I refuse to be a private servant or to be sick anymore for a child which isn’t mine.
They leave tomorrow. I have still to figure where I’m gonna disappear on the next day.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I fear I might be the asshole for not letting my husband kid coming over anymore. I feel guilty for my husband and wonder if I’m overreacting.
One the other hand I feel so deeply insulted angry. I felt sick because of it. Why I’m the bad one ? I’m not the one in the wrong!
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. A 24 year old squatting on your couch, making a mess, and ignoring house etiquette is just plain rude. You’re not obligated to host people who drain you and don’t respect your home.
NTA The problem isn’t the son. The problem is your husband for allowing his son to be so lazy and spoiled.
NTA
You have a husband problem. If he insists on the 24 year old coming over then he can cook, clean, and host
I am going with ESH because you seem to also have an issue with where he lives, which is none of your business. The things happening in your home are not okay but you need to be direct with him and his guests and say “Please do the dishes.” or “Please cook for yourselves” or even “It’s a one per shower” (although personally I have no issue with this).
NTA, these boys are adults and need to start acting like it.
If you asked them to take care of the dishes after dinner do you think they would?
If he lives only an hour away I’m not sure why he’s staying the night with you.
Does your husband play video games, because if not, perhaps it’s time to sell the gaming system, or if it belongs to one of the boys have them take it to their place.
Absolutely need to set rules with him regarding appropriate behavior in your house with his girlfriend.
If he’s sticking around the house, find him some chores to do, vacuum, clear the gutters (you’re worried about your husbands safety on the roof and would like him to do it). Maybe next time you cook you need an ingredient and you can’t leave the stove, so he has to go to the store to get it.
But you first need to discuss this with your husband and make sure you’re firmly on this together. That the boys need to help out, clean up after themselves, and you need time with them out of the house.
I don’t see why the boys “wouldn’t come around anymore” they’re clearly still to reliant on you.
Perhaps tomorrow you could watch a movie with your girls on the tv they play games on, take the day off, do not serve them in any way.
Look, you dont need to feed or entertain you stepson and his girlfriend when they are at your home.
A lot of people are going to tell you it is your home too and tell your husband his son isn’t welcome or that your husband has to be home when his son is there. That just doesn’t work in the reality of real life. Especially when your stepson isn’t really doing anything wrong. Is he the best house guest? Absolutely not, but he also probably doesn’t see himself as a houseguest. He probably sees himself as being in his dad’s house with his dad’s weird wife. I’m not calling you weird. I’m suspecting that is what a some what immature 24 year old and his girlfriend are thinking.
So real world, if your stepson is coming to visit his dad, make plans for you and your girls during that time. The plans can be in town or a little girls trip. If you stay in town, don’t cook for them. You can cook enough for them, whether it’s hey I’m making x for dinner, would you guys like to join us? Or just making enough of x and saying hey food is ready. And you tell them once, and you leave it at that. They join you or they don’t. They aren’t kids you can force to the table.
Don’t leave things sitting out for them to take care of and assume they will be taken care of. Your stepson is in a weird position of being a guest/not a guest. Its a weird dynamic for obligations. Instead of assuming he will know to do x, y, z, and then getting mad when it isn’t done, tell your husband, hey, x, y, z needs to be done. I’d assume you would have your kid do it, but if you are worried he wont visit if you ask him to do it, then you need to do it. I don’t care if you do it or he does, but it has to be done by blank time. That’s shifting the responsibility to where it lies, your husband.
As to the showering. That’s a tricky one. I assume the stepson and girlfriend are staying in the same room. Showering together really doesn’t change the conversation with your littles. I’m assuming your husband either doesn’t care or doesn’t care enough to risk his kid not visiting. That again puts you in hard position where the only real solution may be removing yourself and the girls from the situation.
The boob comment was inappropriate. Your four year old is probably too young to understand it at all but being 4 she will probably repeat it in some random way that is totally embarrassing. Your stepson and his girlfriend probably aren’t away of that, so I would try gently keying them in when the littles aren’t around. Just a hey, know you guys didn’t mean anything by it (phased like this so you aren’t placing blame and they don’t get defensive) but there was a comment about boobs while we were walking. Four year olds, man, the way and times they repeat things. Fill in funny story about a kid doing just that. Laugh. And wrap up by saying so yeah, we really just try to keep things really pg around the kids to avoid that. And then just say something like “little ears” when they forget and are too adult around the kids.
If it happens too often after they have been warned and gently reminded then that does become another conversation. One that your husband should have with them. But if he doesn’t be prepared to be like look, the kids are little, and some things aren’t appropriate for them and we are going to have to reevaluate them being around you of you can’t remember and respect that.
Also, it’s worth noting that their co-dependent movements through your house may be driven by them feeling uncomfortable around you. The whispering to each other definitely indicates they feel uncomfortable and unwelcome. Stop forcing them to the table. Strop forcing them on walks. Stop monitoring their TV time. Let them be.
You can tell them hey, heads up, I need to clean in here so I need you to vacate in twenty minutes or I need to use the space so I’m going to need you to wrap things up, to move them along and out of your living room, but then actually use the space. Don’t kick them out just because you don’t like looking at them playing video games. Its only a week. Its not the end of the world.
Also, it really just seems like you don’t like your stepson. He has a job. It doesn’t matter what his payment arrangement is with him mom, and you don’t know what it is. You just assume you know. It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t have a license. It doesn’t impact you. You made assumptions on how he would spend his vacation and then got pissed when he didn’t spend his vacation exploring your town like you thought he would.
The real sticking point is that having your stepsons, and particularly their significant others, visit triggers you mentally. Being on the constant verge of crisis isn’t good. Are you currently seeing a therapist? What do they recommend in these instances? If you don’t have tools that can help prevent you from going into a crisis state when your stepsons are visiting, does removing yourself help? Can you do a staycation when they visit where you and your girls go to a nearby hotel or Airbnb? Can your husband and the boys go to a hotel or Airbnb, although that’s likely to cause tension with everyone because you are basically saying your husband’s son’s are not welcome because just by existing they make you uncomfortable because of your mental health. Can you go visit family while your stepsons are there?
Your options are really
The Internet can’t tell you which path to take.
NTA The lack of respect they showed is enough to refuse to host again. If your husband insists, you are totally justified to be absent.
INFO: Can I use Precedent Union as my new alt rock/rap Indie band name?
Have you considered the situation from your stepsons’ point of view? Your husband let their mother have full custody so he could devote all his time to his “new” family. They had to spend all their holidays with that woman, who has a meltdown after having to spend time with them, forces them to eat food they don’t like, and expects them to do chores on their breaks. They only come anymore bc their dad wants to see them, even tho he’s working 60 hrs a week (for some reason) and can’t spend much time with them. Instead, they have to endure their stepmom giving them dirty looks, judging their lifestyle choices, and making their girlfriends feel unwelcome. By all means – leave the house when they visit from now on! I’m sure your husband and his kids will thank you. YTA