So, basically the title. My wife and I have been together for almost thirteen years. We met each other during our student days. From the beginning, sex was fun. She has an amazing body, and is confident in bed. We used to try/experiment a little bit, but nothing to extreme.
However, as years passed, I feel like we’ve grown away from each other sexually. I concede immediately that having kids has, to put it lightly, affected our sex lives.
More concretely, it feels like she simply does not have any sexual desires anymore. Where she used to initiate sex, she now never does anymore. It’s like sex does not interest her at all. Me, on the other hand, am as horny as ever. I get turned on by her with the smallest things she does, but it currently feels like sex is more of an ‘relationship obligation’ to her rather than a desire (please note that I, in now way, impose this on her). This is not very much of a turn on.
Additionally, it seems like our sexual desires have grown apart. The few times we do have sex, it’s always the same, and she seems content with it. I tend to be quite adventurous and basically want to try anything, but it does not really seem to interest her. I have so many fantasies that I feel like I will never experience (I understand sometimes fantasies remain fantasies, but this is eating at me more and more). It feels like I’m at the very adventurous and open minded side of the spectrum, whereas she is at the ‘fine as is’ side of things.
As such, I feel like we’re growing to be more sexually incompatible as time goes on. My needs are the same as ever and my desire to try things/experiment seem to have only grown, whereas for her it seems like this has just decline if not vanished.
For those who are going to suggest to talk about it: we have. I’ve brought up our sex life multiple times, but she generally is content with the way things are.
I’m a little at a loss of what to do. I love her to death, she is an amazingly beautiful, smart and wonderful person, but this seems to be a growing issue of which I’m not sure what to do about. Any advice is welcome.
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Does she refuse your advances? Or is the main issue that she doesn’t make advances herself anymore?
How old are your kids?
She’s tired, man. Do some stuff TO her and FOR her (with consent, ofc).
I am not an expert in anyway when it comes to this but I wanna do my best to help.
I would say try to add some excitement to the marriage outside of sex. See if a family member can watch the kids for a weekend and go on a trip with her. Even if it’s not an extravagant trip or even that far away. Get out of the house have a nice dinner date light a spark with her again.
If that’s out of the option try some nice gestures. Bring her flowers, bring her favorite food, even just set up a movie night for when the kids are asleep and in their rooms.
On the fantasies aspect I get that you’ve already talked to her but that’s all you really can do with that. If she has no interest in trying them there’s not much a person can do to change that.
you’re not alone in this. long-term relationships change, but with care and patience, they can evolve into something even better.
You need to tell her that you are not content. If you give her some time to herself to recharge, she may be more willing to engage.
It’s definitely more challenging after kids. Are they still young? It’s hard to swtich from mom mode to sexy wife mode. Is she getting enough sleep? Sometimes it’s hormonal too. A woman really tends to have a shorter window during the month where she is very interested – that’s right around ovulation. If you woo her the two weeks prior to that, it might help. So about 5 days after her period, take her on dates, bring her flowers, really try to connect with her emotionally. Flirt with her without it feeling like a sexual advance. Tell her she’s beautiful and what a great mom she is and try to spend time cuddling and talking in the evening. Cook dinner for her. Take care of the kids so she can take a bath or relax (don’t let her do other chores). When are more like an oven than a microwave – we are slower to heat up. Also kiss her. Just kiss her passionately like in the movies at random times. Or kiss her neck when she is cooking or doing dishes. Just little drive by intimacies. Help her feel like a desirable woman again.
Have you talked to her about this? I miss you. I look at you and I’m turned on. I fantasize about trying new things with you. Start there. I will ask. How is the division of labor since having kids? Are you doing as much as she is? Are you actively trying to be as involved as she is with the chores, the kids and all the extra work that comes along with having kids? If not, she’s probably not very attracted to you. Sex would be just one more thing that she has to do to keep everyone happy.
What have you been doing to make her want it? How old are your kids? Have you taken her out on a date, spa weekend, organised a baby sitter, so that you can spend time together, got her gifts, told her, you’ll look after your kids, while she goes to the hairdressers? Brought her coffee to bed in the morning? Most women need to feel that you are interested in their well-being. Maybe she’s over-touched by the kids too. If you are doing all these things and your kids aren’t toddlers then it’s time to sit down and have a talk, try to find solutions But don’t do these just for getting laid, try to put your heart in it, that you really want to make her feel well, rested, relax, because she’s your life partner.
She may be exhausted and touched out from the kids. Does she do most of the childcare, do you, or is it equal? Who does most of the housework and cooking? Or is it equally split? Does she work full-time? Is she home with the kids all day? Do you give her breaks away from you and the kids?
There are many factors that can cause these issues. It’s hard for us to know without all of the information. But, it could be a case of mismatched libidos.
A 6m baby at home and a toddler? She’s exhausted and probably over-touched. Give her time and be patient. Also take the kids and let her have an overnight or weekend at a fancy hotel
Your baby is 6 months?? A dinner sized plate wound from the placenta being ripped apart from her abdomen is still healing dude. Last thing on my mind would be my thirsty husband. Have done you done a Load of laundry? Let her have a day to herself? Cooked her dinner? Unloaded the dishwasher. Start there
Pretty common once child rearing happens!
However, sometimes not easy to overcome, at least going it alone… You may want to try a third party, sex therapist etc…Please weigh all the factors out , and maybe try some of the great suggestion that have been posted..but again maybe try a therapist
Best wishes to you and your family
Is she on birth control? That can really fuck with your sex drive.
Dude … you have 2 kids under 3.. it takes awhile to adjust back from that. Once they’re in school and have more independence, it’ll be easier for sexual vibes to flow.
Are you doing things outside the bedroom to assist her? You have very young kids, I’m not surprised this isn’t top of her list to resolve. I’d suggest counseling with someone who also specializes in sex therapy if you’re both looking to resolve this. It’s not only about sex though for her so you’ll need to be open to hearing about her side of things and what she needs as well.
With two young kids it kinda makes sense. What’s the working situation like? How are childcare duties balanced?
Even if everything is perfectly 50/50 right now, her body and hormones are also recovering from childbirth so she’s probably just not back to her old self. Even though you said this has been brewing for a while, now is not the time to put this at the forefront. You have young kids to raise together.
The sexiest thing you could do for her is help with the kids. Give her nights off, do chores that she typically takes on. As much as a lot of us guys don’t like to admit it, our wives take on a lot more of the child rearing and household chores. I found that stepping up (even if Im feeling lazy) has made such a difference in our relationship since having a kid. My wife will always step up and do what needs to be done and I do the same now. Don’t wait for her to ask you to help. Try to anticipate what needs to be done or ask her what you can help with. It’s a huge turn on for my wife