So, I’m not sure if this is like a question to ask, so if this post gets deleted it gets deleted lol.
When I go over to my partner’s house, I like to hang out, chill, sleep over. The usual, right? But almost every time I’m there to stay over, they want to engage..
Sometimes I’m just not feeling up to it, but I’ll feel bad because they get so disappointed, so I’ll just do it y’know. I’ll say no and they’ll give me a pouty face, and ask multiple times before I
A: Give In.
Or
B: Leave the room.
They say it’s normal to be disappointed in not getting what they want in the moment, but they’ll get over it. But to me it still feels weird that they get disappointed/ask a lot. I dunno. Is it normal/not a red flag for someone to feel disappointed for not getting sex?? The answer to ME is no, but I would like to hear what other people think.
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
I wouldn’t say normal, but sadly common.
They are engaging in emotional manipulation and they don’t respect your feelings.
I certainly feel disappointed if my husband turns me down for sex. Sounds like you guys may not be sexually compatible. It’s pretty normal in a new/young relationship to want sexual intimacy with your partner whenever you’re together.
[deleted]
What is A for? Genuine question.
Either way not normal. I wouldnt stay with them.
sounds like it works
He knows you care, it’s an expectation that you will give it. That’s when it gets dangerous. He’s doing it because he can. it allows him to get what he wants. Or have a sense of control by putting you down. Either way he “wins”. When you don’t give abusive men what they want and set boundaries that’s when they get upset. Are you ok with being in a relationship where your desires are not treated as equally important and are in fact treated as less important than his desires? Something that’s helped me over years of relationship where I abandoned my needs is to stop obsessing over his behavior and focus on me. And what I need. God bless you my sister.
It’s fairly common, but it’s also something you need to learn how to regulate. It’s okay to say no, and it’s also okay to be disappointed that someone said no.
How you handle it is what’s important – as you’ve shown because it can impact your partners feelings. You definitely shouldn’t feel like you’re just giving in, that’s not okay. You are responsible for communicating what’s bothering you, unfortunately our partners can’t read our minds. Talk to them about it.
I think it’s perfectly okay that your sex drives are different, but it’s probably worth having a conversation about whether or not you’re compatible there.
Huge red flag, yes. The asking multiple times and pouting is super not okay, that’s sexual coercion. It’s normal if you want it and your partner doesn’t to feel some disappointment, sure, but you don’t make it your partner’s problem unless it becomes a bigger issue of libido incompatibility as a whole for the relationship.
It’s not okay at all when someone doesn’t respect when you’re not in the mood for sex. It shows that they don’t care how you feel at all during sex as long as they get off. If someone doesn’t care how I feel I would be wondering if they even care at all. Yes it’s normal to feel disappointed but it’s not normal to pressure someone into sex. I wouldn’t stay in this relationship
Their behavior is manipulative and disrespectful, but even if it weren’t it is no fun to be in a relationship with someone whose sex drive is mismatched with yours. Neither is wrong or abnormal, but they need to be at least adjacent or else one of you will feel unsatisfied and the other pressured/guilty forever. Find somebody who respects your boundaries, but even better someone who is compatible so that you won’t always have to be setting a boundary there.
I was in a relationship like this for years and thought there was nothing wrong with it.
In a later relationship, I turned down my partner’s advances, he said “ok”, and I wanted to cry in relief.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
Imagine if you two got together and he didn’t speak to you. Or, didn’t touch you. It would be problematic. You’re there to interact with and enjoy him. If he wouldn’t engage you’d begin to wonder, A) is he in to me and B) why’d I even come over. Sex is a part of that, its just a bigger part of it for him than it is to you, but it’s the same principal. If both you and he are healthy, he has a zex drive about 100 times as rampant as yours. Men often forget that women don’t view sex the same as men do. For a lot of 20 year old men the only time they wouldn’t want sex with a woman is if he seriously disliked her and or was seriously unattracted to her.
There are a couple of approaches here. 1. Back the relationship up to match where you are at. Reduce how often you see him to better match your libido. If you know you aren’t in the mood, then maybe don’t meet up with him that day, or if you do, make sure it’s out an about in public where that type of activity isn’t feasible. 2. Make sure you’re engaging with him in other ways that are important to him. I’ve seen so many times where a woman wants to decide all aspects of the get together and makes everything about her. I’m not saying you’re doing that, I’m just warning you to consider it an be aware. But if you are, then sex is the only thing for him you’re allowing.
Coercion, which whining and complaining until you give in is, is a form of sexual assault. Your partner is sexually assaulting you, even if you “give in.”
Had an ex that was like this. Got pouty and whiney and annoyed when I would say no. So I gave in because I was young and it was my first relationship. It ruined how I felt about sex for a long time and made me feel like shit. This is a major red flag. You probably shouldn’t stay with this person.
Let’s shift perspective here. Gonna quote your exact words: “When I go over to my partner’s house, I like to hang out, chill, sleep over.” What if he’s not in the mood for you to come over as much as you don’t want to do it. Would that bother you?
Is it normal? Yes. As in its common for people to feel disappointed/rejected.
Is it normal? No, as in someone shouldn’t make you feel guilty about you not wanting to engage. That is something that they need to work on.
Ultimately, I think its okay to feel “bummed”. As in you wanted something and you cant have it. But i dont think its okay to feel disappointed. Nor do I think its okay to make someone feel guilty and causes them to engage to not disappoint you
Pouting, sulking, and begging over and over again like a little boy? I can’t imagine anything less attractive. Leave him.
ew, this would give me such a huge ick.
no is a full sentence. that’s all you should have to say. they shouldn’t continue begging and asking if you’re not in the mood, it’s disrespectful, and frankly, disgusting.
Yeah, coercing someone to have sex with you when they say no is a very shitty thing to do. Them being disappointed isn’t the problem, it’s them using that disappointment to coerce you, and the lack of understanding or consideration that the person they’re coercing doesn’t want to sex with them right now. Like, I think normal people just get that having sex with someone who wants to have sex with you is kind of the whole point.
It is normal to be disappointed to an extent. They shouldn’t be making you feel badly intentionally, which is the key.
You’re allowed to say no. They are allowed to say no. There should be no guilt when saying “no”. Not everyone will be in the mood all of the time. Do not force yourself. That’s unhealthy and will build resentment. But do show them in other ways that they are loved and appreciated.