I got an abortion in April this year. I got pregnant from a one night stand with this guy I didn’t even know. We didn’t use a condom and I took plan b the next day but it didn’t work. I made a really stupid decision because my mental state was in the garbage.
When I found out I was pregnant I immediately ordered the abortion pill. I waited a few days and then called/told my sister, I was taking them the next weekend. She was upset with me and went on an angry lecture. I cried and told her I know. I took the berating and went on with my life.
The day before my abortion she called me yelling, upset and threatened to tell my parents. She said I make bad decisions, she thinks I’m stupid, and more stuff I just really didn’t need to hear the day before I’m making an already tough decision. My sister is not prolife. I made the decision to wait to tell my parents because it was already hard on me. I was emotionally exhausted and just said okay, stonewalling her.
I was really upset with her, didn’t call her for a few months (we live in separate states). Now I’m moved back in with my parents for a little while and she recently came home to stay for a few months. I find it very challenging to interact with her. I haven’t talked to her about it, but I’m finding it hard to forgive her. It’s like every time I’m around her I can just hear her saying those words and I can feel the judgement. It’s negatively affected my mental health, I’m much harder on myself when I do make mistakes.
Does anyone have any advice on how to approach this? I know I need to have a conversation with her but I don’t know how without being angry.
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she’s not wrong.. that was a bad decision, but it’s unnecessary for her to try adding so much stress on top of an already stressful situation. if she’s gonna be nothing but angry & talk over u, it’s pointless trying to have a conversation with her IMO. i think from everything i’ve read here, u should seek help & get therapy. best of luck girl.
One thing you learned: Your sister does not or cannot respect your decisions you make for yourownself.
Set up a short, dismissive sentence you can use if the topic comes up: “That was a difficult time for me, I’m glad I don’t have to worry about that decision any more” and say it, work for word any time she brings up the subject. Then change the subject.
The rest of the time, learn to make small talk, change the subject and spend your time with other people as much as possible. If sis comes around and decides that you are adult enough to make your own choices, yay. If not, you really can’t force her.
I mean it’d be an even worse decision if you kept the kid so it’s wise choice to do the abortion and she needs to mind her business
Just be careful that you’re not taking you own guilt and self-judgement, and projecting it as anger toward her.
Sorry to say this, but I suspect she said the very things you were feeling about yourself and that hurt. It is then easier to embrace the anger towards her than it is to work through the feelings you’re having about yourself.
My advice is to process your own feelings about your experience and decisions. When you’ve worked through that, you’ll find it easier to work through things with her.
How nice of her to sit in her ivory tower judging you. I would say to her that I hope she is never in a situation where she needs someone to show some grace.
Part of being pro-choice is just that… it’s a choice. It means you don’t have the right to judge others for their choices. Or if you do, you don’t have the right to speak it. Too many people offering up their unsolicited opinions these days and not suffering the consequences.
Did you make a bad decision? Yes. But it’s not a bad decision millions of others haven’t already made. It’s not like you were excited about an abortion. You took Plan B and took steps to mitigate the circumstances which shows an awareness of your poor choice and that you knew the next steps.
silently remember that karmas a bitch. When karma comes calling, and you show her grace because you are better than that, it’ll be written all over your face and she will KNOW what she did when she didn’t show you any.
I would talk to your sister if you want a relationship with her going forward. Tell her that people make mistakes, and you did what you could in the circumstances you were facing. Ask her how she would like to move forward. If she’s able to apologize and see that she was being judgmental you both can apologize to each other for the hurt that was caused on both sides. You do not need to apologize for your abortion or even for sleeping with that guy. Yes you made a mistake and Biology took over and made it even worse. But it shouldn’t ruin your relationship with her. If she can’t see her way, clear to be less judgmental of you going forward, I would just be as boring as possible so you don’t attract any attention from her, move out as soon as you can. Not all siblings are meant to be friends forever. Some of them just happen to come from the same place and aren’t worth your time.
Just talk to her about it. Tell her what you told us here. She might understand your perspective. If not, it probably won’t get worse than it already is right now.
Plan B is not an “abortion pill” but Misoprostol and Mifepristone are and need a prescription
Just fyi plan b’s don’t work at all you can only get pregnant while you’re ovulating & plan b doesn’t work when you are ovulating
You can track ovulation window & avoid sex or getting nutted in during this time to not get pregnant
Honestly, you did what was best for you at the time by getting an abortion, and that is completely valid. Going forward, please use protection when having sex. It isn’t 100%, but condoms can also help protect you from contracting std’s as well as pregnancy.
OP, you’re not wrong for being upset with your sister or for having trouble forgiving her if she was cruel to you during a time when you needed support.
However, are you sure that the feelings/words what you are equating to your sister were really her own? Or is it possible that you projected some of your own guilt and negative feelings about the situation/yourself onto your sister’s words, twisting her response into something more hurtful?
Did she echo some of the things you were already feeling back to you, causing you to hurt more upon hearing someone say it aloud?
I’m not saying this IS what happened. You called your sister in the first place, and I assume you believed you could trust her. I’m just suggesting you reflect on what happened to make sure you don’t lose someone that might actually care for you.
Talk to your sister. Tell her how you’re feeling and how you felt about your interaction with her. Share how you feel/felt about the situation as a whole.
If you’re sure that your sister was cruel to you and it is affecting you negatively, then it probably is best to keep some distance.
Has your sister apologized and asked for forgiveness? If so, then you can work it out. But if she hasn’t, do you think you offering her forgiveness without her asking will just get her to repeat what she said in April. Why put yourself through that?
The bigger picture is you are still struggling whether you sister was there or not. Go get some therapy. It will help you to forgive yourself first. And will then give you the skills to broach the subject with your sister when you are healthier. A good motto in the meantime is be as close to your sister while still being healthy. Which would just interacting and being civil.
The therapist will also help you to deal with any potential anger. Who knows, your sister may have done something similar and her criticism was mostly directed at herself (but that’s pure speculation).
I’d be interested to hear what your sister has to say.
My guess is there’s more going on and you’re not giving us most of the story. Having unprotected sex with a stranger is wild. Makes me wonder if this is normal behavior for you.
Sorry for your problems. We all make bad choices sometimes, the trick is learning from them 🙂
As for your sister if you don’t feel like you can forgive her yet then you don’t have to. Time heals things and when it feels right you can? Either that or have a mature conversation with her and try to find closure for you both so you can move on
Your decision was already made. There is no accepting or rejecting that. The reality is that it’s already over and done.
If your sister continues to bring this up you should let her know that can either accept you as a person or not. But you will continue to live your life, even if that means that you make mistakes that she doesn’t agree with.
Set your expectation, let her know your limit, and how you will choose to deal with her if she continues this behavior.
I’m curious. How old are you? If you’re a legal adult, then it’s no one’s business but your own. Your sister has already proven herself to be unhelpful when it comes to listening and supporting, so it’s natural that you don’t want to interact.
But, acting weird or distant will just give her ammunition to judge you and pass that on to others. Be cordial, talk about surface things and tell her you’re fine if she asks. Just be pleasant and cordial, like you would with a distant family member. But don’t confide or go deep.
F/;k her! You’re already paying a major price for a mistake you’ve already made. Who needs to be lectured at that point.
What she should have done is give you the support you undoubtedly needed in that moment. Instead she went on a tirade about your shortcomings and passed judgment on your for your screwup.
Was it a major one? Of course it was. Did any of her bitching change what happened? It didn’t do a damn thing in that regard. People like your sister are more interested in betraying you and telling you how horrible a person you are and less interested in consoling you, concealing you, and providing the kind of support one should expect from their sister.
You made a bad decision, it resulted in a worse outcome and you dealt with it the best way you knew how. End of story. Learn your lesson, don’t make the same mistake again and become a better person as a result of being mature enough to know and recognize the error you made.
You may find yourself in a position sometime in the future that gives you the opportunity to counsel someone else who may not have the wisdom you gained from this. Don’t pass on the opportunity to impact someone else in a positive way.
Certainly don’t do what your sister did! Ever! You’ve experienced first hand the outcome of that type of holier than though lecturing.
You have a right to feel the way you do. Until you feel compelled on your own to talk with her about it. Don’t even bother. I promise you she won’t hesitate to give you the same speech god forbid you slip up again in some other way.
Rant over.
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Your family doesn’t have the right to know your medical decisions. Clearly your sister cannot be trusted.
Just cut her out of her life she’s a toxic puttana
Do. Not. Forgive. Her.
That’s just me though.
Your decision isn’t good or bad. I can say I’m sorry you were in the position that you had to make a decision.
If you want to mend the relationship with your sister, you’re going to need to talk with her. She doesn’t have to agree with you, but she does need to allow that you are the one making the decision.
The threat to tell your parents, that’s pushing the limit in my opinion. I dislike someone holding something over my head. Do you think telling them first would be an option?
I really try not to judge others but will make an exception for your sister. She kicked you while you were down and tried her best to make a hard situation even harder. Someone who thinks hurting you more when you are already down isn’t someone to trust with private information.
I would be polite to her and keep conversation neutral. Kind of as if you are talking to one of your mother’s friends. If she does bring the subject up, hear her out. If she apologizes and then tries to justify what she did and said, just say “I appreciate the apology. Unfortunately the words you said damaged my spirit and, although I’ll try to forgive, your apology doesn’t undo the hurt I feel.”
Edit: I can’t help hoping she turns up pregnant and alone.
You don’t answer to her. You have no business taking her shit. Stop being a pushover and stand up for yourself. I don’t know how to have a conversation with her without being angry what are you talking about you are angry because she mistreats you. She needs to know that. Unfortunately she may not care because clearly she has no respect for you. This isn’t about values, or doing the right thing, this is about having power over you and making you feel less than. You seem easy to manipulate. You have a LOT of work to do.
Why do you need to tell your parents? It’s just an abortion, stop making it a bigger deal than it is. Ignore your sister and get on with your life
Oh wow, everyone here is nicer than me. Fuck that bitch lol.
Yikes. No accountability.
Until people are put in the situation for themselves, their beliefs are worthless. My gf was two weeks late when I was in my early twenties. Turned out to be a false alarm. Is your sister financially supporting you and a child???
I can not speak to your relationship with your sister in totality, but the discomfort you feel can be understood and justified. You can carry this upset and never get past it, somethings are not forgivable, put it can find it’s place in your total relationship. I carry memories from childhood I will never get over caused by my brother, they will always be there. But he is my only brother and I chose not to let those incidents be total definer of the relationship. They are there, but not the relationship in totality.
just don’t give a fuck about your sister. when her time comes watch the roles
Should have never even told your sister. Things of this nature just cause family drama. I know you probably felt at the time you needed to talk to someone. The less my family knows of my personal life, the better. Families judge. Families hold grudges. You did what was best thing for you, and that is all that matters in the end. Hopefully, you can still have a relationship with your sister going forward. Wish you all the best.
I’m wondering if you’re projecting your anger towards her, but you’re actually angry at yourself. I think making a huge life changing choice, like an abortion, would be a good time to talk to a psychologist and work out some of your emotions. Especially since the reason for the one night stand was partly done because your “mental state was in the garbage”. Remember, anger is a secondary emotion usually due to grief, sadness, or fear. 💛
Abortion aside, why would you have unprotected sex with some guy you don’t know?
US citizen?
Forgive would imply she did something wrong. She sounds like a great sister for calling out your irresponsibility that ended the life of a child. Crazy you think someone owes you an apology for calling you out. Make better decisions if you are not mature enough to handle the consequences.
If it was me, I wouldn’t say shit to her. I’d pretend she didn’t exist
Sorry that you faced such a difficult time with your sister. Perhaps it’s best you learn to not share every aspect of your life with others so glibly. Yes you were in a stressful situation but sometimes family isn’t the best support mechanism. What made you think you could seek support or understanding from her?? Mental health counseling would have been a better option.Planed Parenthood centers would have offered you that counseling without judgement. Family often tends to be judgmental and reactionary.
Your sister has right to be angry you have right to do whatever you need, work it out, understand each other you’re family. Everything will be ok. Abortion is not bad its just serious decision.
I’m really sorry that you had to go through that abortion with so little support. I am trying to find out why, specifically, your sister was so upset with you?
Your sister is right to be upset. Skirting responsibility and nuking her nephew ain’t cool
Has she addressed it? Apologized? If not, what would you forgive her for? You don’t have to have supportive/emotionally harmful people in your life.
It’s not her life to live. stand confident in your decision
That’s tough. Very sorry to hear. I agree with you that this is one of those things you cannot move on from without a conversation, and in fact multiple. I think prior to approaching her you need therapy, talking to a friend, or another way to pour your feelings out. The conversation with your sister needs to be a calm and profound conversation about how she has hurt you by not being there without judgment in your time of need. It can’t be the first time you unload to someone about this.
If it’s bothering you this much you need to tell her. Whether or not you decide to continue to have a relationship with your sister, you need to get this off of your chest and stand up for yourself.
I had an accident once too and quickly decided to take a plan b that did worked. I never told my parents years on and when I told my mum she said I made the right decision because back then i wouldn’t able afford looking after a kid. It’s your decision and the world just moves forward even if people don’t agree or do.
Abortion is murder of an innocent child
You should feel zero shame. It sounds like you made an excellent choice with your body on your terms given the circumstance.
Your sister was right and you should thank her for having the compassion to be honest. You need to do better.
Why would you want a relationship with someone who berates you instead of offering emotional support when you needs it the most?
Fuck her.
yelling at you and threatening to tell your parents really isn’t constructive.
Maybe you do need to work on yourself, but a breach of trust and threats and screaming aren’t going to help.
She doesn’t sound like she handled anything in a constructive way.
Did she offer to adopt your child and put it in writing? I’m guessing no.