I just need to vent.
Without going into an exhaustive list, my in-laws have treated me like crap for years. They also treat their other DIL the same. My husband has made a lot of big changes in their dynamic and stands up for me, but it always amazes me how they will never fail to find a lower low.
At some point, you both just start to laugh it off….. until I had a miscarriage and I suddenly hit my threshold. I realized we need better boundaries. We’ve officially gone low-contact.
Since pulling away, his mom seems to feel the distance. She’s since been texting me almost daily about trivial things. I rarely respond.
Then, yesterday, my husband gets a text out of the blue from his dad. His dad never texts and never calls. It read: “Mom’s surgery went well. They removed part on the left and right.”
My hubs was so confused. Thinking back, he realized that months ago, his mom casually mentioned that she was probably going to have surgery for an enlarged thyroid. She never specified a date or any other details. He did not know that she was having the surgery yesterday….
Then, after work, FIL calls him and starts insisting that he call his mom tonight.
My husband questioned — she just had surgery on her neck and also had a breathing tube — it’s probably not the best time for phone conversations? He offered to text her and then call later this week.
No. He should really call tonight.
Dad’s instructions.
I am having a hard time verbalizing why this feels so manipulative. Like an ambush. Like MIL purposefully withheld details about the surgery to create a sense of urgency and put her son in a reactive position, instead of proactive.
Like she’s using her temporary state of physical weakness to justify a demand for emotional attention that she wouldn’t be able to get otherwise. It’s just an easy way to get attention, sympathy, and care from her son without having to deal with the real issues in their relationship. Of which she is aware.
And then his dad is putting the emotional burden of MIL’s well-being squarely on my husband’s shoulders. The guilt trip, “You must call her today,” is an unspoken command — like our feelings and well-being are secondary to MIL’s emotional needs.
I’m just so tired of the theatrics. Just tell your son you’re having surgery and let him — as an adult — respond on his own terms, in his own time, and with the level of engagement that he deems appropriate. Just be normal people for crying out loud.
And it also create this subtle feeling that a) he’s a bad son. B) he’s stuck in the middle between me and his parents. When in reality, their awful actions have led to us pulling away — a mutual decision.
I just hate this ish.
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They often call this “Christmas Cancer” here. Mil who pissed off everyone all year long? She’s got a vague diagnosis! It’s definitely big cancer! She needs EVERYONE in her family for Christmas, it’s likely her last!
Why look, it’s a MIRACLE recovery!
I had thyroid surgery about 2 years ago and I’m happy to act as fact checker for any hysteria she sends your way 😂 I’d definitely agree with you on the not wanting to talk right now bit, I lost my voice for a few days after (thyroid is right next to voice box so totally normal post surgery swelling impacted my voice too).
I think you are so justified in feeling this way. I hope your husband sees how straight up manipulative this is.
IMHO your husband should send a brief text message – do not call. This is straight up emotional blackmail. She’s fine.
A tool here for MIL who will undoubtedly pull a major martyr/victim card is for dh to be relentlessly cheerful in whatever interaction he has to have. FIL insisting on “it has to be tonight” is because MIL wants to milk it for all it’s worth. So dh doesn’t get off the “Hey mom! Great to hear your surgery was so successful, you must be so happy!” train at all. He never mentions that they didn’t tell him beforehand (because clearly that was supposed to be punishment) and if they bring it up, “I didn’t tell you because you don’t even care about me”, he stays relentlessly cheerful, “Oh sure, that’s fine! Glad you’re taking care of your mental health before surgery!” “Your poor mother is so exhausted by being woken up with all of her tubes and monitors” – “Oh yeah, I’ve heard that about St. Central Hospital, such excellent care there, they’re really attentive!”
If he can stay there through this coming few weeks, he will deny them everything they’re setting up here. And the bottom line is she made it through just fine, and if they only had to remove part of her left and right thyroid glands, she was fortunate. So often the thyroid is removed altogether, which is also not the end of the world. So in terms of dramatic martyrdom, she doesn’t have a lot to work with.
My inner rebellious teen would send her a Get Well Soon card. I’d choose an expensive Papyrus card, too. And ignore Dad.
If Dad texts me again about calling, I’d say I chose a card specifically for her and spent $8 on it so she can read it as I really am concerned about her throat. Emphasis on “concern”.
You wanna make your secret thyroid surgery a big deal to force contact? Ok. And visiting is out cuz I don’t wanna bring my germs around an elder who just had surgery. Gosh, got to protect the vulnerable….maybe in a few months when she’s all cleared by her dr.
This is textbook manipulation. MIL’s using her “vulnerability” to guilt trip your husband into reconnecting. The timing and lack of prior details scream “setup.” Your hubby’s instincts are right; it’s not about the call, it’s about control.
Yep, classic guilt-trip theater. She didn’t tell you because she wanted the drama payoff of “you didn’t call.” Total manipulation 101.
I feel for you. My JustNo father announced that he had Christmas cancer that mysteriously turned out not to be cancer when he sobered up.
We’ve been no contact for many years. I didn’t take the bait for that incident and heard all about it from my sibling. Told my therapist about it and her flabber was gasted.
Honestly, it’s all about provoking a reaction. If you don’t give the one they want, it tends to settle down the dramatics.