Hi. I (36F) have been married to my husband (38M) for a year (together for three). My in-laws live an hour away from us (FIL, MIL and SIL) and they all live together. My family is in another state.
When I first met them, I was excited to have some ‘family’ close by as I had moved away from my own to be with my husband. I was totally open (and naive) thinking that they would want some type of relationship with me as well.
Anyways, whenever we would go see them or they would come see us, it was always super awkward and there was a lot of tension between all of them. I began to notice how they would constantly talk crap about everyone else. They have also pushed away every member of their family, taking zero accountability for what they may have done to contribute to that outcome. The only person they are still in contact with is my husbands great uncle, but that’s only because they are completely financially dependent on him. They even have the audacity to constantly talk badly about him! I think he’s a nice person.
So I started noticing all of this. Then I started picking up on the sneaky behavior. They were insistent on helping us move into our new home. I thought it was nice of them, so we agreed. After we wrapped up moving, my MIL snarkily looked at my SIL and said “they’re in more debt than all of us now”. Like… thanks for that comment?
Fast forward to Thanksgiving last year. They were all upset at my husband and I because we wanted to see my family for the holiday. They gave us the silent treatment for about a month. Unfortunately, we had to cancel plans due to bad weather and decided to stay at home for Thanksgiving. I mistakenly told my MIL and SIL that our plans changed. They took it upon themselves to all show up unannounced to our house on Thanksgiving (there wasn’t any hint of an invite, they didn’t contact me or my husband beforehand either). My husband and I were on our way out the door to go get food and it was just a mess and awkward. That’s also when I completely lost trust in any of them. There have also been instances of them showing up to our house while we’re at work to drop random things off that they think we’ll need (like a random shirt for my husband). They don’t let us know beforehand, we just seem an item on our porch with a note. This usually happens when we haven’t talked to them in a while and they’re trying to force contact. It’s just so weird and invasive.
Now whenever I’m around them, I get anxiety and I feel like they have ulterior motives. I’m very LC with them now. I took them off my social media (my MIL and SIL would text or call my husband any time I would post something to try and get information; they were essentially lurkers). My husband called my SIL out, asking why she was observing his social media so closely and her response was “Because I can”.
My husband doesn’t seem to think any of this is a big deal and thinks I just hate his family. I don’t hate them, but I sure as hell don’t trust them or think they have our best interests at heart. I feel like I’m paranoid sometimes, but remember all of the weird, disrespectful things they’ve done. It’s almost the same feeling as a back-handed compliment. They do something seemingly ‘nice’ or ‘innocent’, but underneath the surface it just feels malicious.
I don’t want my in-laws to ruin my marriage, but I feel like I’m the bad guy for not wanting much to do with them at this point. I just keep my mouth shut about their behavior and don’t talk to them at all. I’m not sure how to move forward in this situation with my husband.
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They talk shit about everyone else, so they probably talk shit about you, behind your back.
You’re not overreacting btw.
It will get worse if you don’t teach them how you want to be treated. Stay LC and don’t entertain their BS. Make sure they know their place before you have kids.
Your DH used the classic “you just hate my family.”
Let me break this down for you.
I can tell you how this goes. Leave any and all contact up to husb. Dont talk about them with husb anymore. He needs to wake up and figure it out on his own, if he does at all. Don’t bother with them, they don’t like you and never will. You feel weird because it is weird that a middle aged man has family this involved in his life and they are totally nasty and mean to you and he just tolerates it. Believe me the nastiness gets worse if they get a whiff that they are affecting you at all. Just let them do what they do, far away from you.
Your instincts are spot on. Their behavior is invasive and manipulative. You’ve set boundaries, and they’re pushing back. Talk to your husband about how their actions affect you and your marriage. Maybe he can understand your perspective better if you explain it in terms of respect and boundaries.
You’re not paranoid, you’re dealing with boundary-stompers who wrap control in “kindness.” If your husband won’t see it, the real work is protecting your space without his buy-in.