So basically one of my elder family members was set to get surgery. I was hoping it’d be done this year but I was told the doctor wantes to leave it for 2026. Naturally I was planning out my pto for the rest of the year. Just to put things into context, if this person gets surgery, I would be the one driving everyone in the family to and from the hospital, including the operated person, because no one else can drive there. When they had another surgery earlier this year that was my role and I was also the one to spend the whole day at the hospital during the actual surgery while everyone else went to work/school.
Ok here is why I am upset. Today I had to go into their online medical chart (since they are not technology saavy) and I see that they have the surgery scheduled to happen in the next 4 weeks. I ask other family members because it was my understanding that the surgery wasn’t happening until 2026. How is it now scheduled for this year and I was not notified especially since I will most likely be the person taking them the day of surgery. I work full time and would have to notify work. They were like “oh they (the patient) called the hospital last week and said they wanted it earlier.” I’m like “thats great but I should have been given a heads up so I can coordinate with my job. I can’t just do what I want at work.” The other family members were like “ you know this specific person is like that, they do things without notifying etc.” In that light I was like, until this particular family member directly tells me about this surgery face to face as is appropriate, I will not be requesting that day off from work and one of the other family members can take them to their surgery. They can either go by public transportation or pay for a taxi. May be I’m wrong here but I feel as the most likely person to have to take time off work to take them to the hospital (everyone else will be working that day) I should have atleast been told. There I am doing this to teach them a lesson about common courtesy but am i being an asshole for not taking the day off and for feeling upset about this?
Comments
NTA. If someone actually wants a favor from you, they really need to ask you, and in a timely manner so you can take off work. You would be fine saying, “Wish I had know earlier, but I can’t take off work on such a short notice.”
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NTA. Healthy boundaries help to prevent resentment.
NTA, but very petty. There are other ways to resolve this stuff, like maybe talk to that patient and ask how they planned to get to hospital maybe?
It sounds like you’re talking about an older person, they have their quirks and they are hard to teach them shit. You should decide whether you want to help them out or not. Either is fine, but passive aggressively derailing the appointment is not the coolest option…
Do not overthink this. You have not been asked and if asked you are unavailable. Period.
It is that simple if you let it be.
Taxi, Uber, or city bus. NTA.
Nta. Good for you for not being used again. They can take an Uber or cab.
You are the only person in the entire family who can drive?
Why does no one else in your family drive? Weird. Also, hospitals in my state, won’t do surgery if there is no friend or family to drive them home. No public transportation
Do not take the day off they obviously do not care what you think so they don’t need your opinion or your time. It’s OK to just not do it. Probably no one else will so you have to be ready to live with that. However is there a medical transport available? Or even just a cab? I am don’t imagine you live in a place where the only way to get somewhere is you have your own car or you walk.
Do not take the day off. They can Uber.
YTA
The family member is elderly, they need surgery, but to “teach him a lesson” you stamp your foot and are withholding a ride there. So, the lesson being…IF there is a next time (might not be cuz they’re elderly and could die before the next time) he better shape up and call you with plenty of time to spare.
Could you be any more petty?
Hmmm…do something kind for someone, adapt to their limitations or “faults”, or teach them a lesson?
I’ll be downvoted of course, cuz yes, YTA.
I’m forever stunned at how people rationalize their petty little snits to justify them being assholes.
Hmmm… looks like the patient will be Ubering this one.
NTA
Nta
NTA. Is anyone taking turns with you? You shouldnt be the only one who has to give up their off days for this.
I wouldnt just not acknowledge it though. When it comes to a head and you say no, the other family members will tell the person that you’ve known about it. Id talk to them about it directly to avoid that.
Id tell them I found out about the new date, but work has (inventory/special event/etc.) that week, and we had to ask for days off by X deadline, which has already passed. That way, theyll still learn the lesson, but it won’t be known that youre intentionally teaching them one.
NTA
“Sorry, I didn’t know. Work won’t let me off. You’ll have to find someone else.”
NTA There are many other ways to get to the hospital especially when they failed to let you know.
“The other family members were like “ you know this specific person is like that”
—The response… Not allowing myself to be screwed over is how I am like.
They can always reschedule it to the original 2026, you’re not creating a hardship for them.
” Unfortunately I am unable to assist on this day. Someone else will need to coordinate and help patient in place. “
NTA. But why isn’t 4 weeks enough notice to ask for the day off? It’s not like it’s in 4 days. If they don’t want to give you a heads up properly and ask for your help directly then a sorry I’m not available at that time is suffice imo
NTA
If they wanted/needed your help, they should have coordinated with you. That’s a perfectly reasonable expectation on your part.