My roommate (22f) and I (22f) have been living together since my first year at college two years ago. She was in a relationship with a guy when I met her, but has since gotten into a new relationship, with a new guy (21m). Ever since they became official four or five months ago, she’s had him over every night.
I didn’t care at first, because I understood that it was the beginning stages of a relationship and she’d want to spend all of her time with him, however it began to effect my day to day. They’d have sex loudly to the point where I was struggling to sleep even though I was working morning shifts at the time.
When I talked to her about it, she promised that they’d be quieter, but when I would still be kept awake, she switched up to saying it was too hard to be quiet. I then asked her if she could try to not have sex so late at night, to which she said that sex wasn’t something you planned (fair.)
So I asked that she start spending the night at his place. Her bf lives by himself, so I didn’t understand why that wasn’t an option, but she got weirdly upset about it and even though she made an attempt to start staying at his place occasionally, that stopped over time and it was back to him spending every night at ours.
It got to a point where I got frustrated and eventually just dropped money on noise canceling earbuds (which are uncomfortable to sleep in but at least I don’t get kept up.) We just moved into a new apartment two weeks ago, and I brought it up again, asking her to please try to spend some nights at his apartment because I didn’t sign up to live with a man, I signed up to live with her. When I say he has spent every single night of those two weeks at ours apartment, I mean it. He only leaves to go to his place to meal prep his food and do his laundry (and when he has work and goes to the gym.)
I finally decided to bring it back up today, and wanted to just talk to her and try to understand why this was an unreasonable ask for me, to which she got mad and then responded saying: Most people in relationships stick to one place, they don’t interval between places, and I don’t want to stay at his place.
She pointed out that I haven’t been in a relationship before and therefore I don’t understand, but I feel as though I don’t need to be in a relationship to know that it’s not a huge ask, or at least I don’t think it is.
I don’t really know what to do from here, because she’s my best friend, but is clearly mad at me for having an issue with this. AITA in this situation for asking her to not have him over every night?
Edit: To add some clarity as to her situation, she has pretty severe OCD so staying in someone else’s apartment causes her stress, which I understand and makes it a bit more complicated, but she’s also in therapy working towards it.
Also other things to add in: She didn’t move in with him after our last lease ended because 1) they’ve only been dating for around five months, and 2) her parents pay her rent for her and wouldn’t pay the rent if she’s living with a boy. He has a separate apartment that he pays rent for, just doesn’t sleep at.
And to defend my mindset a bit for why I signed another lease with her, I was under the impression that this was something that she’d be working on, and also for financial reasons, I couldn’t afford to live by myself
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My roommate (22f) and I (22f) have been living together since my first year at college two years ago. She was in a relationship with a guy when I met her, but has since gotten into a new relationship, with a new guy (21m). Ever since they became official four or five months ago, she’s had him over every night.
I didn’t care at first, because I understood that it was the beginning stages of a relationship and she’d want to spend all of her time with him, however it began to effect my day to day. They’d have sex loudly to the point where I was struggling to sleep even though I was working morning shifts at the time.
When I talked to her about it, she promised that they’d be quieter, but when I would still be kept awake, she switched up to saying it was too hard to be quiet. I then asked her if she could try to not have sex so late at night, to which she said that sex wasn’t something you planned (fair.)
So I asked that she start spending the night at his place. Her bf lives by himself, so I didn’t understand why that wasn’t an option, but she got weirdly upset about it and even though she made an attempt to start staying at his place occasionally, that stopped over time and it was back to him spending every night at ours.
It got to a point where I got frustrated and eventually just dropped money on noise canceling earbuds (which are uncomfortable to sleep in but at least I don’t get kept up.) We just moved into a new apartment two weeks ago, and I brought it up again, asking her to please try to spend some nights at his apartment because I didn’t sign up to live with a man, I signed up to live with her. When I say he has spent every single night of those two weeks at ours apartment, I mean it. He only leaves to go to his place to meal prep his food and do his laundry (and when he has work and goes to the gym.)
I finally decided to bring it back up today, and wanted to just talk to her and try to understand why this was an unreasonable ask for me, to which she got mad and then responded saying: Most people in relationships stick to one place, they don’t interval between places, and I don’t want to stay at his place.
She pointed out that I haven’t been in a relationship before and therefore I don’t understand, but I feel as though I don’t need to be in a relationship to know that it’s not a huge ask, or at least I don’t think it is.
I don’t really know what to do from here, because she’s my best friend, but is clearly mad at me for having an issue with this. AITA in this situation for asking her to not have him over every night?
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> I asked my roommate to not have her boyfriend over every night. I feel like I’m an asshole for having an issue with it because she’s mad at me for asking and bringing it up all the time.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
“I don’t really know what to do from here, because she’s my best friend, but is clearly mad at me for having an issue with this. AITA in this situation for asking her to not have him over every night?”
NTA He’s not on the lease. If you can not come up with a reasonable compromise, contact the landlord. It’s the only option your roommate has left you.
NTA – it’s half your home too, she needs to respect boundaries. You’re not saying he can’t ever come over, just give you some nights off.
Edit: typo
NTA. Tell your landlord that someone not on the lease is staying every night.
This is an important thing to discuss before entering into a roommate situation. Some roommates decide they will only have overnight guests x times a week, or some other boundary. This is an important lesson to learn going forward. Her statement that people don’t go back and forth is total bullshit. The reasonable thing would be for her to limit his visits or refrain from having sex late at night — but she’s not being reasonable. Also — if he is over every night, that is likely in violation of your lease. For all you know, he may have given up his apartment. Check your lease, or talk to your landlord — who may then step in. But — it will probably end your friendship.
Definitely NTA, but how to handle it? I would check the lease and if it is limited to 2 people, I would tell her that she is in violation of the lease and talk about how to handle it. She could move out and you have to get a new roommmate, you could move and then have to look for a place, or she can limit his presence there and you live with it for a couple nights a week. Unfortunately, in any of those scenarios, Ms. Entitled will be peeved and your frienship likely won’t survive. That’s a shame, but she’s the one who is not being reasonable. If she is unwilling to accommodate you or if you don’t want to have to move, then you need to involve the landlord, assuming he can bounce her for a violation. Otherwise, it will be up to you to relocate.
Next time you are in a roommate situation, have an agreement that discusses all of this. My friend bought a condo with someone — which could have been a really huge problem when her co-owner decided to get married. Luckily, they had signed an agreement making the person leaving responsible for finding a suitable roommate for the other owner’s approval. Good luck in figuring it out — let us know what happens.
NTA.
>Her bf lives by himself, so I didn’t understand why that wasn’t an option, but she got weirdly upset about it
She wants to be with her boyfriend in her space. Cool. And do whatever they want, when they want. Cool. Both of those things are luxuries you purchase by ponying up that second half of the rent and living by yourself.
>Most people in relationships stick to one place
And most of those places don’t feature a trapped, unrelated, unwilling third party who also pays 1/2 of their rent.
This whole “we’re in love so we’re special people” act is tiresome. Next time the rent comes due, pay 1/3 and watch her change her tune.
NTA and her argument sucks – when those in a relationship live together, they share the lease! If he isn’t paying, then you have the right to ask he stay elsewhere
Honestly wouldn’t have moved with this friend into a new place as now you’re stuck, but would start looking for an exit plan
Slight AH to yourself. First—why would you move into a new place with someone you had a huge issue with?
Second—- why didn’t you have a conversation prior to moving places?
If she’s on the lease, they are they to stay.
You’re asking this question two weeks after you decided to move into a new apartment with her?
We all have to learn to set healthy boundaries of what we can and cannot live with. This is obviously one of those lessons in life. I heard a wise man say something to effect of people get what they can tolerate in life. You’ll just have to figure out where your boundary is and learn to express that as healthily and constructively as possible. You will have to figure out exactly what that looks like for you. Would you be happy if he didn’t stay but X nights a month, or if he contributed $X towards rent? What would an ideal outcome look like?
This was definitely a question that should have been asked before moving into the new apartment, but we’re here now. I don’t know the details of the lease and if you renewed or moving was part of the agreement, but in the future it is best to confront situations such as this head on and not wait until it’s even messier to resolve.
NTA.
Someone that sleeps there every night lives there for all intents and purposes.
>We just moved into a new apartment two weeks ago
You definitely shouldn’t have moved in with her after months of this.
Are you sure the boyfriend actually has his own place?
>Most people in relationships stick to one place, they don’t interval between places, and I don’t want to stay at his place.
This isn’t true at all.
> she’s my best friend,
Why? She has no consideration for you at all and actually tried to weaponize your lack of relationships to get her way.
NTA. If you’re living with someone, you need to respect the other person’s space and peace. It’s not like your roommate’s boyfriend is paying rent to stay there and do that constantly as well. I wonder why your roommate feels upset about your ideas of having her stay at the boyfriend’s place. I’d be more than glad to move in with the person I love most.
If she does not want to ”keep changing places”, they need to move in together in another place, since “she doesn’t want to” live in his current place. No need to keep bothering you and bringing this awkward energy to also YOUR home.
I’d be pissed if my best friend who I’ve made a living plan with, just one day decides to put some man over my needs. Also I can’t understand how the boyfriend doesn’t feel weird about this setting.
Tell her he needs to go on the lease and pay 1/3 rent or she needs to move in with him. If not then get the landlord to evict him.
Ask if you can stay at his place a few nights a week if he’s never going to
INFO: There’s something you’re not telling us or that your friend isn’t telling you. Your friend’s BF lives alone but stays with you two every night? Every night? Does he even have a place of his own? I wouldn’t bother if I was living with my GF presumably rent free.
Or you made it up. Equally plausible on this subreddit
Can you swap and sleep at his place? NTA
You didn’t sign up for a third roommate that pays no rent. Give her the option of not having him come over so much or taking over your half of the rental. Basically you need to move out. your roommate wants to live with the guy. Good for her, but you can’t finance it.
If this turns ugly she is most definitely in breach of the lease. You, the landlord does not want people on the premises, living there that don’t pay rent.
You need to let the landlord know that someone who isn’t on your lease is staying there every night. You can tell them that this is a sensitive subject and ask them to say one of your neighbors is complaining about it. But you’d be foolish to keep putting up with this shit while she so openly disrespects you in your shared place. Her OCD isn’t your problem. NTA.