Hi everyone, long time lurker with a throwaway account.
My partner (33M) and I (27F) have been together for 3 years. In the beginning of the relationship, we had a very active sex life. We typically only saw each other on weekends and we would have sex almost every time one of us stayed over.
I am someone who likes aftercare – the cuddling, spooning, kissing, closeness, etc. It helps me to feel closer to my partner. One thing I find extremely helpful about aftercare is to discuss what you liked during, what made you feel good, what you want done to you, things like that. I had asked him in the very beginning “What do you like? What turns you on?” and he couldn’t/didn’t really answer me. While he didn’t exactly return the question, I did tell him what I like and what turns me on. I’ve told him how I like to be touched and have even guided him during sex to touch me in ways I prefer. I’ve asked a few times after to tell me what he likes and he has only said one thing – “you” & “just be you” What does that mean?!
It feels like he doesn’t hear me when I’ve told him what I want and I don’t know what he likes. When I try things out, he doesn’t react one way or the other. The one thing he requested me not to do was play with his balls.
We moved in together recently and our sex life essentially died on the spot. I want to mention this because it’s relevant to the topic – he has issues getting it up. When trying to gently broach the topic with him, he just apologizes and we drop the subject. Yes, he is on meds but he was not consistently taking them previously. I’ve never tried to make him feel bad about it – it happens I totally understand – but he will not address it. After 3 years, I would hope he felt comfortable enough with me to address the situation since it effects both of us.
Has anyone else experienced this? I don’t know what to do and at this point, I am feeling resentful and tired of begging for something to change. I did not sign up for a dead bedroom.
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If it’s just a self confidence thing then I would think just continuing to work on it with him is the best bet. The only other thing I can think of is if it’s a weird fetish thing that he doesn’t want to tell you
That sucks.
Unfortunately, you kinda exhausted your possibilities. And from experience, waiting for a miracle to happen gets literally old.
You can look for one more conversation to ask him if he really understood how important that is to you because if he does and still didn’t change… you really only have one option left.
I don’t understand why you thought moving in with this guy was a good idea. You unfortunately did sign up for this.
He doesn’t care about pleasing you and making sure you’re satisfied in bed. He also has zero desire and/or ability to communicate what he wants in bed (if anything.) He isn’t interested in trying new things or providing any kind of feedback.
It could be his meds causing a lack of erections or he could be a porn addict, asexual, etc. but you’re never going to know because he’s made it clear he’s not going to tell you. He’s made it very clear what he has to offer you and no amount of you waiting around is going to change that.
I personally wouldn’t want to do a post-coital performance review.
I will tell you what… If you marry this guy, the sex life in your marriage is most likely going to be off the mark and lack luster.
Just like anything else in a relationship… Communication enables growth. Its like talking to a brick wall regarding sex with him. No room for growth or fine tuning.
Certainly not trying brag here, but you do exactly what my wife does. Regular reviews of our session afterwards when we’re cuddling:
Just having that back and forth feedback that you take into next session, helps with fine tuning the sex life and keeping it magical. Its something I appreciate about her tbh. It helps with growth. The aftercare talks are a useful tool, could consider it a part to sex itself.
All you get is… What do you like?… You
Wtf does that mean?
I need more information that that. I need to know details.
If someone is too shy with you to discuss sex (especially after 3 years), then the sex itself will always be shy sex.. Held back from its fullest potential.
I think you need to stop asking what he likes. And start telling him… Hey, you have to be more open to talk about these things with me so we can figure this out. I love having sex with you. Do you love having sex with me? Shouldn’t we be talking how to fine tune it and rock each-others worlds?
Taking the conversation next level where his lack of communication is actually damaging the sexual energy.
If he can’t be open to discuss sex with you, I’d probably suggest getting out before you marry into it. Its going to turn out bad long term.
Some people feel like “You should just know” when it comes to stuff like this.
It’s annoying.
I believe if someone can’t be bothered to talk about sex with a partner they shouldn’t be having sex with that person.
As for what you like, stop letting him get away with an apology. The apology is not the goal. You may have to say this at the beginning. The goal is improvement.
PS: He may not have a real preference when it comes to what he likes. Maybe he’s just fine having sex as long as nothing happens that he doesn’t like such as touching his balls.
You didn’t sign up for a dead bedroom…
But that’s exactly what you have.
I’d think after 3 years you would have realized that before now.
Live with it or leave it… It’s simple.
This may need professional support. Are you all seeing a couples counselor or sex therapist? If not, it is time.