I feel like i should have moved on from this, but for some reason i still think about it at least once a week. For context, I (15F) found my mom cheating on my dad over two years ago. I was around 13 years old. I was setting up my new phone that i got early for my birthday when I saw my mom on safari, and the Tinder logo was right in the center of the screen. I watched over her shoulder a while longer and noticed her scroll through chats with other men. I felt sick to my stomach, i wanted to cry right then and there. I held my thoughts in and looked away, already calculating in my head. Later, my mom gave me her phone to call my grandmother. She went to another room, and as I was talking to my grandmother, i went through her search history and found Tinder in there multiple times. I clicked on the link and couldn’t even scroll through any of the chats because it made me so sick even to look. I remember the top chat was from a guy named Richard. My mom and him were exchanging messages that my brain has blocked out, but his black and white profile picture of a lion is burned into the back of my mind.
About a day later, i told my dad what i saw. I was breaking down as i said it, i could hardly get the words out. My dad comforted me, but i could tell he was just staying strong for me. We watched part of a movie before i told him I was going to bed. He wished me good night, but he didn’t sleep in bed with my mother that night.
The next morning, i woke up to my mom in my room with a sad and frustrated expression on her face. she asked me why i had told my dad what i saw and why i didn’t come to her first. I just said i didn’t know i was supposed to tell her. She started to cry and told me that my dad had just been distant (busy with work) recently, that she needed love, and she wanted to feel beautiful again. I comforted her in the moment, but looking back, i can’t tell if that was manipulation. I’ve never been married, but cheating is never what it should come to.
I went downstairs after a while, and everything was just.. normal? my dad was working on his computer seated at the kitchen table, my mom was doing laundry. i tried to apologize to my dad, thinking i had made a big deal over nothing. the world didn’t end, they didn’t get divorced, but i’ve noticed my parents act differently. my dad always tries to please my mom but she’s always annoyed or snappy when he has a question she thinks he should know the answer to or when something doesn’t go how she wants it to. it’s a tense environment around 70% of the time. Sometimes i wonder if they want to get divorced but can’t because of financial reasons or they don’t want to put stress on me.
I’m not being abused or anything; I’m fed, my parents love me, but this has been eating at me for over two years. Even if this gets no comments or upvotes, it’ll be good to get it off my chest. I’ve been thinking about this a lot more recently, and it’s affecting my mood towards my mother. I’ll be fine and happy at school, but around her, it’s hard to look her in the face knowing what she did. How can I get this burden off my shoulders? Should I talk to them? Should I talk to my dad or my mom separately? It’s been eating at me forever. I need advice.
Thanks to whoever decides to read this long thing, lol.
Comments
she was making excuses, trying to manipulate you & make you feel bad for her mistakes. that’s foul behavior. you were such a strong girl for telling your father about that instead of letting it go & keeping it secret. i’d recommend going to therapy that way u have an outlet to discuss all this & get it out. best of luck kid im sorry ur going through this.
I honestly think you should just try to find some peace. If you want your dad’s perspective he might have more insight into what was going on that he’s not telling you. Adult life is messy sometimes. Ultimately you have your own life to live.
That was obviously wrong of your mom to blame you for catching her since she was the one doing the inappropriate thing.
I think that in time this will seem like less and less of an important thing to you. Maybe you lose a little respect for your mom. Maybe not. But relationships go through low points and right now your parents are in one. Doesn’t mean it will be that way forever.
Tell your father it’s okay by you if he wants to get a divorce and that it couldn’t be worse than living this fractured existence. He might just be staying until you are settled in your adult life and may not be aware of how this has harmed your mental health.
Your mother’s excuses are pathetic. Don’t allow her to play the victim. Both people in a marriage need to keep it on the rails. If she drives her wagon off a cliff that’s her fault entirely.
If there was no physical cheating and your father is the forgiving type then maybe you could suggest they get some help to get over it. It doesn’t sound like they have come back together as a couple and are just going through the motions.
I went through a similar experience growing up so I know exactly how you feel. I think you did the right thing telling your dad simply because he deserved to know. Your parents are going to deal with it however they choose at this point and it’s out of your hands now. The only thing you can control is how you feel about it and since it sounds like you already have that answer the only other thing that can help is more time. It seems like a lot now because their relationship is the only one you’ve really known, but eventually you’ll have experiences of your own that will seem just as important. Eventually there will be a time when you don’t think about this as often.
Your dad sounds pathetic I think your mom’s more annoyed because he didn’t leave her but most likely she still sleeping around and your father just accepts that
I can completely see why this would still be eating you up. You’ve never gotten any closure on this hugely emotional, incredibly personal thing in your family. There are multiple layers to this that your parents should have handled so that your 13yo self was not trying to navigate this.
– Your mom should have apologized to you, for putting you in a position where you had such a huge secret between your parents that you didn’t know what to do with. Under no circumstance would an emotionally mature adult make a 13yo feel like they didn’t handle this situation very well. You did great under the circumstances and should never have had to make a decision like that to begin with.
– Your parents, separately or together, should have let you know what resolution they have come to. (Are they working on their marriage? Sticking it out until you graduate? Planning to divorce soon?) This strongly affects the vibes of the space you live in and what you can expect your family life to look like in the coming years.
Please know that you deserved better. You can go where you want from here, you have the high ground. If accepting that you have emotionally constipated and immature parents can bring you peace, you can let this go and understand that they aren’t going to handle it great from here either. If you can’t find peace this way, you are perfectly within your rights to express dissatisfaction with how they have handled this and ask for clarification on the things that pertain to you. It doesn’t sound like your parents deal great with confrontation, so I would suggest having a therapist or trusted mentor (do you have an aunt/uncle or grandparent you trust with this?) who can be an encouragement to you throughout this process.
Someday, when you have been an adult for a minute, you are going to look at a 13yo and wonder how your mom could have shamed you for that instead of her heart breaking for the tears you shed over this.
Their marriage is fractured. I know, mine is fractured. I’ve slept in a separate bedroom for 40 years because my wife broke the trust in our marriage. She didn’t cheat, it was something else, but the point is, when the trust is broken the marriage is fractured and will never be the same. If I was your dad, I would have told her to get out.
Yes I cheated but it was his fault…