My husband is driving me insane
I (35 F) work from home and I think people assume since I work from home, I just have available time. Like I dont have a job to do and expectations to meet. When my husband (37 M) gets home from work, he likes to sit in my office and talk to me non stop. Or play his tik tok on the highest volume. Even when I’m in a meeting or on a call. He then gets upset when he tries to interact with me and im not engaged back. He says I become a different person when I work. I said you mean focused ? And he said yes. I told him I have to work. It has nothing to do with him, but I dont speak to anyone when I’m working. He complains that we dont talk enough, and I dont engage with him when he always seems to pick the times im working. He’s extremely needy. He’s a truck driver, so I guess he has time to talk on the phone. He gets bored and calls people. I’ve never been that way. But I ended up telling him that I never have the opportunity to miss him and never have anything to talk about because he’s always around me and always talking to him so we have nothing to talk about. Literally. Recently, my boss told me my numbers are down and I needed to be more productive. I told my husband this and I was hoping for understanding. But he doesnt seem understanding at all. Im at risk for losing my 2 bonuses for the year, and that’s not something I want to do. All of this is pushing me away from him. I feel like I need space from him and I feel guilty sometimes. But he is just as needy as my toddler is. I’ve spoken to him about this several times and not in a way that would make him feel bad. He said that he feels some type of way since someone will send me a text and I’ll answer them. Or ill take a phone call or read an article, etc, so he feels like other people can have my time and he can’t. It feels a lot like he feels entitled to every minute of my free time. I feel SUFFOCATED. I am at a loss on how to fix this. He doesnt understand. He says he feels like he could talk to people and still get work done. He also knows I have ADHD and struggle with focusing. Im on medicine for it now. He made me feel so bad about this, so AITA?
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My husband is driving me insane
I (35 F) work from home and I think people assume since I work from home, I just have available time. Like I dont have a job to do and expectations to meet. When my husband (37 M) gets home from work, he likes to sit in my office and talk to me non stop. Or play his tik tok on the highest volume. Even when I’m in a meeting or on a call. He then gets upset when he tries to interact with me and im not engaged back. He says I become a different person when I work. I said you mean focused ? And he said yes. I told him I have to work. It has nothing to do with him, but I dont speak to anyone when I’m working. He complains that we dont talk enough, and I dont engage with him when he always seems to pick the times im working. He’s extremely needy. He’s a truck driver, so I guess he has time to talk on the phone. He gets bored and calls people. I’ve never been that way. But I ended up telling him that I never have the opportunity to miss him and never have anything to talk about because he’s always around me and always talking to him so we have nothing to talk about. Literally. Recently, my boss told me my numbers are down and I needed to be more productive. I told my husband this and I was hoping for understanding. But he doesnt seem understanding at all. Im at risk for losing my 2 bonuses for the year, and that’s not something I want to do. All of this is pushing me away from him. I feel like I need space from him and I feel guilty sometimes. But he is just as needy as my toddler is. I’ve spoken to him about this several times and not in a way that would make him feel bad. He said that he feels some type of way since someone will send me a text and I’ll answer them. Or ill take a phone call or read an article, etc, so he feels like other people can have my time and he can’t. It feels a lot like he feels entitled to every minute of my free time. I feel SUFFOCATED. I am at a loss on how to fix this. He doesnt understand. He says he feels like he could talk to people and still get work done. He also knows I have ADHD and struggle with focusing. Im on medicine for it now. He made me feel so bad about this, so AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am trying to establish boundaries with my husband when it comes to working from home. Im wondering if it makes me the asshole that I am upset and making boundaries.
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Nta. Id recommend a lock and a sign dictating work hours and to not enter until hours are up.
Can you post office hours and close / lock the door? Can you leave home and work some where else for a few days / weeks to establish a new normal for him? He shouldn’t be in your office distracting you regardless of how he feels he can do his own job
NTA he doesn’t respect you or the job you do.
NTA. I frequently worked from home for a couple years. I didn’t have an office, I typically just used the dining room table. My husband wasn’t working at the time. He was completely respectful of the fact that I was working and rarely interrupted me.
I’d say set some firm boundaries with your husband. Let him know your work hours. If needed, close and lock your office door. Tell him that if he respects your work hours, you’ll spend time with him once you’re finished for the day.
NTA. Is there a likelihood he’s trying to get you fired? Is he trying to get you to be solely financially dependent on him, and turn you into a full time stay at home mom? If you lose your job he can argue for more babies and tie you down even more
You need to tell him he is an adult human who needs to behave like an adult human, that you’re not his emotional support animal or validation-mirror, and that you need to be able to work in peace and that it’s non-negotiable in the relationship. It’s either that or cave in to the toddler behaviour and end up resenting him for losing your job and independence.
NTA! He’s smothering & needy & it seems you aren’t the right fit as a couple.
Maybe get a very official sign to hang on your door WORK IN PROGRESS and close the door.
You are not available when the sign is up – the end – no talking about it. If the house is not burning down do not come in. If he is not in the room looking at you he might not be so needy.
Good luck.
Go to the library and rent a quiet room there. Hubby won’t change. And you won’t push him out of the room and lock the door so you have to move to a third location
NTA. But he can’t (and no one can) “make” you feel bad. You can’t control others; only how you respond.
Can the two of you work out reasonable boundaries for your time with him vs. your work time? I’d be pissed too if I was always feeling neglected due to your never being available.
If you can, bypass the anger and hurt and have a frank discussion of need & expectations. Should reduce hard feelings in the future.
NTA my goodness! Lock the door!
he feels entitled to every minute of my free time.
Your working hours are not free time. If he’s always up in your face during your working hours because he’s “bored”, then he should get himself a hobby. Maybe he could learn to tie fishing lures for fun and profit, or something similar. His boredom is no excuse for him to bother you at work to such an extent that your boss is noticing a drop in productivity.
NTA.
He’s sabotaging your career and it sounds intentional.
Men who don’t have friends or hobbies think their wives should be their social director. A friend of mine whose husband retired and was driving her crazy told him it was her job to entertain him. She said he was like a puppy following her around the house.
You might have to tell him that resentment is the death of a marriage.
Does your home office have a door?
NTA I’d post work hours, tell him you’ll come out for a break with him when you have time, maybe schedule lunch together.
You can’t be his only person like a dog. He needs to be able to entertain himself. Even if you didn’t need your income, it’s still shitty to have to entertain a grown adult.
Is it possible for you to go back to the office to work. This may be your only solution, other than putting a lock on your door so he can’t just walk in while you are busy working.
NTA. A lot of people who work from home deal with boundaries. You should keep your office locked until the end of the business day. Post your hours. Maybe put a dry erase board up that says when your next break is. I’d tell you to show up at his job randomly and talk to him nonstop, but that’s a little hard to do with a truck driver.
Does he have ADHD? I don’t understand why this is difficult for him to grasp. But then I’m also an introvert.
Can you be firmer about physical and time boundaries? He can’t be in your office, he can’t distract you with idle chitchat between x and y time so that you can focus.
Don’t feel guilty, he’s not being a good partner about this right now. That this is just who you are and what you need.
If he needs constant stimulation then he can find a way to achieve that. Disrupting you isn’t the answer.
NTA. I would find a local coffee shop that is quiet with wifi that you can work at for a short time or see if there’s a short term office to rent. Don’t tell him where you are. Until he gets the hint, that is. I have taken calls and zoom meetings in my car. Sometimes they need to be hit over the head to understand. I wound up divorcing him anyway because he suffocated me in other ways that wouldn’t stop.
My current husband wfh and says he’s away during work hrs, so we act like he’s not here.
You are the only expert in the house, on how you work. It’s not up to your husband to tell you how to do it or what you can handle. You’re the authority on this. NTA for setting clear limits and enforcing them.
It’s unreasonable for anyone to not treat your work day as completely booked and inaccessible, where you will respond when and where you can but that anything but a true emergency is not your priority.
NTA
If you cannot lock your office door or he cannot respect the lock then it sounds like it may be time you work at the office instead. It is sad and not ideal but if he cannot respect your time and space then it becomes necessary. NTA
Being nice doesn’t seem to work so make him feel bad! You are not his mother & do not have to entertain him when he’s not at work. Is it possible to lock him out of your office/workplace?
NTA
For me this would be a deal breaker. Sit him down and say 100% my office is off limits during work hours and ask why he can’t respect that. Then listen. Couples counseling if he still doesn’t get it.
I would be tempted to honestly be done with this BS and divorce but that is me. Alternatively go get rented maker space style office and just literally not be home.
NTA
For God sake cop on and lock your office door when you’re working .
NTA. Not at all. If he was sending you an occasional text, that would be one thing, but he’s literally showing up at your job to hang out. Would he do that to any of his friends who work in an office or would he respect that they can’t hang until after work?!