hi reddit it’s my first time posting..
I (27F) have been with my boyfriend (29M) for 5 months. I recently came back from almost a month-long vacation with my family. Before and during my trip, we were talking about what we’d do when I came back, and we missed each other a lot.
I came home on Friday, but we couldn’t see each other until Tuesday after work. We went to dinner. it was short but sweet. I’ll be honest, I had some expectations for this date because my birthday was 6 days earlier while I was away. I thought maybe he’d bring flowers or a small gift. He’s been busy at work, so I would’ve understood if he forgot, but he didn’t even mention it at all. (For context, I have bad past experiences with my ex around birthdays, so it’s a sensitive spot for me.)
Fast forward to Thursday. he called and invited me on a couples’ late-night boat trip that he was invited to. I told him I had plans with friends after work but would be free afterward, and I’d check with my family. I confirmed with him later that I could go, and I even went out to buy a slipper and a hat for the trip because I was excited.
One hour before the meeting time, I noticed he hadn’t opened my confirmation message, so I texted again. Half an hour later, I called him, he was still at work, tired and hungry. That’s when he told me he canceled because there would be drugs there and he didn’t want to be around that. I respect that, but I was disappointed because he didn’t suggest meeting up for something else. Instead, he said he’d go home, eat, and then go to the gym.
I was quiet, and he could tell I was sad. He apologized and asked if I still wanted to go on the trip, but I told him it wasn’t about the trip anymore, I just wanted to spend time with him. We talked a bit, then I said I’d go watch the beach and sent him my location. He said “on my way,” and I was so happy.
Five minutes later, he texted saying the traffic was bad and asked if he could just go home because his friend was waiting for him. I told him “of course” like I didn’t care, but I cried my a** of.
An hour later, I texted him saying I didn’t want to lie, I wasn’t okay, and I didn’t like how he doesn’t seem to care about the things we plan. He replied, “Did we agree before today to meet on Thursday?” I didn’t like how that sounded. I know we had loosely planned to spend time together, even if it wasn’t exact. But I just said no and ended the conversation because I know he gets difficult to talk to when defensive.
Now I’m left feeling like I don’t understand what’s going on and I’m confused.
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I’m not gonna lie….. this guys doesn’t seem like he is the best at communicating. Could you ask him to communicate more with you about plans and what not? It also sounds like he’s hella stressed. That’s not an excuse just an observation.
It’s a short relationship, and you were away for a month already. It’s possible his feelings changed. He doesn’t sound like a prize anyway. Completely disregarded your first birthday together. That’s terrible.
You told him that you had plans with friends and that you had to check with your family first before you could consider going with him.
Maybe your boyfriend feels like he is not a priority to you, especially since you just got back from a long holiday with your family.
I’m not saying this is right, just that your boyfriend may be feeling neglected, so this may be his way of saying that he is busy too.
This relationship will not last.
You’re 5 months together, getting into some depths.
And in all relationships… Not everything will always be according to plan. There will be moments where plans need to be canceled or shuffled around. Its going to happen on a rare occasion.
The plans you listed here, wasn’t anything like two sat down together and planned something for quality time.
The first one, was you joining his existing plans with his friends. He discovered there would be drug use at the party, decided to opt out on his own plans that you were tagging along with.
That’s fair by him. I am not going to judge him for opting out.
Those weren’t plans you made for each-other. Those were his plans and extended an invite to you.
That wasn’t him cancelling on you… That was him cancelling on his friends. Not the same thing.
Then…
The spontaneous meet up at the beach… Again, different texture. It wasn’t something planned out in detail. Just a spur of the moment decision that didn’t come to life.
Although I am not a fan of him saying he’s on his way, just to bail afterwards. That needs a conversation.
But both of these by themselves is tough for me to give much weight.
Neither of these were:
>We planned this a week ago, made reservations for dinner, and he bailed on me an hour before. This was a confirmed planned date for 1on1 quality time.
Him cancelling these plans were different circumstances so I am going to overlook them. Different textures.
To me, neither of these were actual planned dates. One was him bailing on his friends (not you), and a spontaneous meet up that didn’t happen.
Honestly… Moments like this are bound to happen in a relationship. If everything was solid thus far, just seems like one of those spots you brush off and ignore. Its bound to happen once in a blue moon. A one off is nothing to worry about. Routine is something to worry about. This just feels like a week that wasn’t your best week as a couple, its going to happen. Not every week is going to be perfect.
Y’all shouldn’t be together. He sounds insensitive and you sound naive and expecting.
Also, you’ve been gone on holiday for 20% of your relationship… sounds like you didn’t roll out the red carpet of excitement to see him and just expected him to do everything? Life is a two way street, not enough people realize that.
Also, you went on vacation for a month with your family and then you had to check in with your family before seeing him? You sound like you’ve got a lot of baggage you bring to a relationship.
Like I said, y’all aren’t for each other. Both of you need therapy and to work on communication.
He definitely has dropped some balls, but it also sounds like you might have some expectations of him that are beyond the stage where you are in your relationship, such as it is. And you haven’t exactly been easy to pin down either. He reached out about making plans for Thursday, and you were the one who was noncommittal first, already having plans with friends and then having to check with family. So it doesn’t seem like you’re prioritizing him either. After all the back and forth and missed connections, I don’t blame him for wanting to just call it a day. Why is it HIS fault and not yours?
I spent two years hung up on a guy like this when I was just a bit younger than you. It doesn’t get better. Constantly being treated like a chore by a guy who would rather just hang out alone than see his girlfriend is a recipe for heartbreak. Every time he bails on you because he’s tired or the traffic is bad, he is showing you just how little he values you. Don’t waste years of your life crying over a relationship like this, it will only hold you back from finding someone who really wants to be with you.
If he wanted to he would. You deserve better than this wishy washy guy.
5 months should be a honeymoon period. If it is already complicated so quickly in the relationship, it is very unlikely to get better.