I (F18) just had a wild experience in Victoria’s Secret.. I was going back to school shopping and I wanted to find some comfortable bralettes. I see that there’s a young woman helping an older woman with something so I wait until she’s done and then I said, “ma’am, do you guys have any bralettes here?” I was close to her and my tone of voice was polite. Yet, she turned to me and says to me in a snarky tone, “did you really just call me ma’am? I’m only 22…” obviously I was really taken a back by this so I just said “ oh, I just say it to be polite…” she didn’t say anything after this, and then answered my question, but it made me feel really bad.
When I worked in customer service, I was called this and I just assume ma’am was a neutral gesture that you say to a woman you don’t know.. like sir for men to be respectful. I don’t live in the south so maybe she thought it was too formal, but it really made me seem like I was in the wrong and a bad person for saying this. She also helped me up the counter and I was just so weirded out am I the asshole?
Comments
NTA but a lot of younger women don’t like “ma’am” because it makes them feel old. I usually just default to “excuse me” these days
NTA. If I were that clerk’s boss, I would pull her aside and talk with her about customer service.
NTA however, ma’am might infer she’s “old”, if they are young looking, maybe try “excuse me, miss”, which sounds younger.
Not the asshole. It’s simply a term of respect.
NTA. You were polite and used socially appropriate language. Don’t worry about it.
I’m 60 and say Thank you Sir/Ma’am and Excuse me Ma’am/Sir every time no matter what age i’m talking to (mostly younger at this stage lol). What was she expecting, a YO?
It is a title of respect. If you’re going to be rude about it to me, my next sentence will be … my apologies…. sir, do you guys have any bralettes here
I go the easy route, and say, thank you miss, or thank you sir. No matter the age.
Nothing wrong with Ma’am’ . It was polite. Just like sir. She probably has a melt down over Miss too.
NTA. Some woman are weird about being called ma’am
You’re fine. That sounds like a head thought that accidentally made it out of her mouth
NOPE
NTA. I would have said nevermind, and turned around and left.
never use ma’am bc it’s used condescendingly too often, and it’s used in place of “miss” after a woman is married or deemed a spinster.
“hi there” works great for everyone if you don’t know their name.
NTA
Sales people are always referred to as either Ma’am or Sir.
The term Ma’am was short for My Dame. It’s showing respect to a professional.
Me, I’d have said “Must be the lighting. You look…anyway”
I’m old but I always think of “ma’am” and “sir” as the things you call strangers when you want to get their attention and don’t know their names
I’m older and hate being called ma’am.
Hated it when younger and hate it now. Always hated it. I certainly do not want specific reserved words to be used for me just because I’m getting older either. I can’t stop aging.
Never say ma’am.
I have said “miss” to females older and younger than I am. This seems to work.
NTA. You were trying to be polite and respectful. But that’s a word no longer used for respect and to be polite unless I’m in uniform or in a position of authority.
It’s rude to call anyone Ma’am, no matter the age!!! I cannot believe that people still do not know this.
NTA
I say ma’am to all women, including my 6 year old daughter.
That person shouldn’t be in CS.
NTA, but a lot of women def get offended by ma’am. I started getting ma’am in my early 30’s and it definitely gave me that “Damn, I feel old” feeling like thinking about just how long ago the 90’s was. xD
I’d say safe bet to avoid being chewed out again would be to just use ‘Excuse me’, or refer to any woman that looks younger than 40 as Ms.
Anyone that finds “ma’am” offensive needs to get over themselves.
NTA. You don’t know her name, so Ma’am is the appropriate way to address her. What did she expect you to call her? “Hey girl”? She’s the one with the problem, not you.
As a business owner myself, I’d be putting this employee back through customer service training.
Tell the manager.
The first time I got “ma’amed” I almost cried. Miss is a better move.
Ma’am is a polite gesture but lots associate it with old people. But no, NTA.
That clerk had horrible customer service.
Nothing wrong with civility, politeness and respect-I think it’s sad we’ve moved away from it. Two examples: our tax accountant calls me Mr (my first name) and my wife Miss (her first name) as a respect as we are his clients-Just for context this may be a cultural aspect as well as we are older than him and his parents are from the Far East. My mother lives in Mississippi and she is often referred to as Miss Joan and I am referred to as Mr (my first name) in interactions with her neighbors and friends, I think it’s a cordial southern thing there. It’s made me realize and use these respectful terms in some of my interactions, you can tell people respond positively to it and in kind. Perhaps using “Miss” or “Pardon me” would be a better choice if your age is similar-I wouldn’t worry to much about it.
Mental note , use serving wench in future
She is the AH, not you and I wouldn’t shop there anymore.
Ive learned to say miss only because at 50 i hate ma’am. But no you didn’t do anything offensive. And i never make a big deal. I just say i prefer miss and move on. Or i give u my name. 😆
It’s funny how the first word we use to address a complete stranger is a pronoun.
But we somehow have to magically know which pronoun they prefer.
I think pronouns used in good-faith are no harm, no foul. It’s only a problem if you continue to use the wrong pronoun after you’ve been told.
NTA ma’am sounds old to women. To be on the safe side, say “Miss” or “Excuse me” and the response will be better from young and old women.
Nta. She can go home and cry in her pillow, but she should not have snapped at you. It’s a pretty standard practice.
Oh I’m sorry sir
I understand that you were trying to be polite, however ma’am has a different meaning relative to where you’re from. It’s generally seen as polite/respectful in the south, whereas in other regions it’s usually used to refer to an older woman. “Excuse me” works well enough. | And is also gender-neutral, just in case.
NTA. I’m 26 and being called ma’am would make me feel old – maybe when dealing with younger clients, say “miss”.
Language changes over time, ma’am isn’t really seen as a respect everybody thing, more of a respect your elders thing. People under 30ish don’t go around saying ma’am and sir to each other, it was always enforced into our coded language for speaking to adults, and many of us still fail to realize that we are now the adults. So being called ma’am and sir feels really weird, even tho most of us have professional jobs at this point in life.
Lol, you must not be in the South!
Some people are just assholes. Nothing wrong with na’an. At least YOU were brought up with respect
NTA. Even if it made her feel old, I think it’s rude of her to be snarky about it especially when you’re a customer. I remember the first time a customer called me a similiar term(Im from Asia), I just turn it around. It was the same line as what she used but i used a joking tone and the customer apologised cause it was instinctive usage and we laughed about it. She ended up buying an extra product cause of the positive interaction.
NTA She sounds like a bitch.
NTA – I say ma’am all the time and I’m 63. However, for someone of that age, to address them, you might try using “miss” instead of ma’am. It still has the same level of politeness.
Additionally, the reason ma’am is used, is typically to address a woman who is assumed to be old enough that they are married or have been married.
Politeness that you exhibit is becoming more and more rare. A lot of people, generally younger, just say “hey” which is only an attention getter, which I think is void of the level of politeness you want to use. IMO
NTA – I was C/S telephone team for over 10 years. I was raised to say “yes sir”, “yes Ma’am”. It’s just polite & has nothing to do with age.
I offended more than one caller over those 10 years due to perceived slight using “yes ma’am”, but certainly not often.
It may be a regional thing, it might just be that people will find a reason to be offended, when no offense was intended, no matter what you do or say.
Don’t give it anymore thought. She’s a snowflake & you didn’t say or do anything wrong.
You didn’t do anything wrong; how people react to you isn’t within your control. (To a reasonable limit, which this falls under)
I’m in my mid-twenties, and get ma’am’d by older and younger people. It is a little weird when someone my age does it, but then I’ll just “ma’am” or “sir”them right back! Also, depending on the region or how someone was raised, it could be derogatory. Again, that’s not your fault for trying to be polite. NTA
Have a word with her supervisor. That’s not how she should speak to customers.
NTA. If I am speaking to a woman I don’t know, as in a store, I call her ma’am no matter what her age. Just like I call a man sir, whether he is young or old. It’s just a respectful way to address a store employee. The problem is when it isn’t obvious if they are male or female.
NTA but I always found it weird working in customer service when people would call me ma’am. Always seemed like a cringey Southern thing.
Nta, i literally call everyone ma’am or sir
NTA. Ma’am is usually for 40+ at minimum. Under that “Miss” is preferred usually because it’s young sounding. Weird but my experience.
I’m guessing she’s just old enough to be sensitive at any sign she’s getting older and perceives “ma’am” as a term for a middle-aged woman. It doesn’t sound like it means that to you, though.
NTA. Ma’am is the correct, polite, term for a lady. Just like Sir is for gentlemen. It’s a her problem, if she found it offensive.
Next time a “HEY LADY!” should suffice.
I remember being 16 and correcting a kid for calling me ma’am. I said yk I’m only a few… and before I could get it out his mom stepped in and polity said “No no, don’t undo that”. At the time I was confused. Now I’m 21 and fully understand.
“Oh, did you want me to call you Dear? Or Sweetheart? I couldn’t see your name tags – OOPS, now I see you don’t have one! So how SHALL we move on here?”
I am DGAF-years-old.
NTA being polite to 22 y.o. is acceptable
You’re NTA. You were polite, but the sales associate has a hangup about being called “ma’am,” that is in no way your fault, and something she needs to deal with.
NTA might just be a cultural difference. Im a young guy and I get called sir all the time at work. I always appreciate it because it just means kids have some manners still
Since moving to the South, every woman older than 18 is Ma’am. It’s cultural. Idf they are rude , it’s ” Bless you’re heart.”
NTA, but generally “excuse me” or “pardon me” works and avoids gendered or possibly offensive terms.
NTA
You were being respectful. She was rude and disrespectful.
You said nothing wrong it was her fragile ego that was bruised by being referred to as ma’am. Instead of taking it as the respect as it was given she was completely unprofessional about it.
I guarantee you that won’t be the last time someone refers to her as ma’am, out of respect.
If you’re are a teen and up in age, I will sir or ma’am you. 50’s and 60’s gets you a miss-ma’am. It is possible I will call you mom, if you’re in your 80’s and up.
I work in healthcare as a receptionist, everyone is hun, women sometimes ma’am and men sir. I’m 28 and almost everyone calls me hun back or ma’am. I don’t care, as long as they aren’t calling me bitch or yelling at me (it happens daily). NTA, far worse things to be called than ma’am. Some people just have weird hills to die on.
I call all ladies ma’am and all men sir. Usually this isn’t a problem, but one day I called a Walmart cashier ma’am and she lost her shit! She took a step back put her hands on her hips and with flashing eyes yelled “MA’AM! MA’AM! YOU ARE OLDER THAN ME YOU CAN’T BE CALLING ME MA’AM!”. I felt like I had done something wrong and just took my change and walked away only to hear her bad-mouthing me to the customer behind me.
How about “Bitch hand me those panties!” NTA. People are too fucking sensitive. Oh no, she called me ma’am, life’s over.
Can we just agree to never call anyone ma’am? I don’t know anyone who likes it.
She got defensive and her response was rude.
I call almost everyone sir or ma’am when talking to them. It’s not an age thing. It just seems better than “Hey You”.
NTA.
It’s very common and not restricted by age.
NTA I miss people being polite. Saying ma’am or sir is not rude. People can take any word they want and get offended by it if they want, it only makes them look crazy.
NTA
You were being polite and addressing her properly and professionally
No harm. No foul.
I’m a straight, middle-aged dude from the American South.
Everyone is “sir” or “ma’am” to me, and I’ve never had a single person object.
This is just a weird cultural thing. I am from the south in the united states and we were always taught to call people older than us Ma’am or Sir.
Even if they aren’t older, it was just polite to address someone helping you out. It was just a sign of respect and being polite.
I have since learned that some people get deeply offended by this. ? They think it means you’re saying they are old which is not how it works.
I try to read the room, but I just can’t get over being trained to do this. I never get offended about being called ma’am, but apparently it’s deeply disturbing to some people 🤷♀️
I call other people ma’am all the time but when someone did it to me I was taken aback 😂 I’m 26 and also a teacher so I’m pretty used to being addressed in a formal way. I don’t know why it was so weird to me.
I’ve always loved to be called “ma’am.” Don’t let insecure women affect your manners.
Wtf? I never understood the ma’am = old woman. As someone else said, you can just say “pardon me, do yall by chance have X?” the next time you need to ask a sales associate at any store. But also she WAY over reacted.