I’m a 43F happy in love and agreed to marry a 37M.
My stepmom has been my stepmom since I was 19. We never lived under the same roof. We never really got along, for my dad’s sake I always let it slide. But she’s done inappropriate things like tell me “You’re too old to wear a skirt that length” (to my knees) or tell me my life choices were wrong (midlife crisis – I just went to nursing school). My dad isn’t innocent, he would always be there pretending he didn’t notice (he’s not that dumb – he knew she was inappropriate). The final straw was when she angrily tried to tell me I was being a dependent loser like my mother and should move out alone when my fiance and I were going through a rough patch. The kicker: my mother (whom my stepmom knows I’m very close to) HAD BEEN DEAD FOR LESS THAN A YEAR at this point! (tragic and sudden)
I realized: I’m an adult. It’s high time I stand up for myself. Now, I simply do not allow that woman in my life. When I graduated from nursing school, I invited my father but told him she’s not allowed. In return he refused to come. I said ‘okay’ and let it be.
Now, the man (aforementioned 37M) who has been with me through it all, took me on a trip to the U.K. and at a beautiful waterfall in Scotland asked me to be his wife.
I’m looking at all-inclusive venues in Colorado. We want an intimate ceremony, just close family and friends. Around 20 guests. I made a list of questions (for when we talk with the venues) and potential guest list and shared the document with my father (and future SIL). My dad changed the guestlist to add my stepmom and emailed me “You should invite her. It’s the polite thing to do.”
That language in an email makes it sound (to me) as if my dad thinks I wronged my stepmom. I realize I could be the bigger person, but I feel like her presence at my wedding would be an insult to my dead mother’s memory. And I’m somewhat sensitive and feel deeply, I would be uncomfortable with her there. It’s MY day. I don’t want that. Maybe if it was a big wedding with 200 guests, but small and intimate? I couldn’t avoid her and not feel uncomfortable. (fyi my dad walking me down the aisle won’t matter, we’re bucking a lot of traditions and, please, I’m in my forties)
But am I going too far by standing firm that my stepmom not attend?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
I’m a 43F happy in love and agreed to marry a 37M.
My stepmom has been my stepmom since I was 19. We never lived under the same roof. We never really got along, for my dad’s sake I always let it slide. But she’s done inappropriate things like tell me “You’re too old to wear a skirt that length” (to my knees) or tell me my life choices were wrong (midlife crisis – I just went to nursing school). My dad isn’t innocent, he would always be there pretending he didn’t notice (he’s not that dumb – he knew she was inappropriate). The final straw was when she angrily tried to tell me I was being a dependent loser like my mother and should move out alone when my fiance and I were going through a rough patch. The kicker: my mother (whom my stepmom knows I’m very close to) HAD BEEN DEAD FOR LESS THAN A YEAR at this point! (tragic and sudden)
I realized: I’m an adult. It’s high time I stand up for myself. Now, I simply do not allow that woman in my life. When I graduated from nursing school, I invited my father but told him she’s not allowed. In return he refused to come. I said ‘okay’ and let it be.
Now, the man (aforementioned 37M) who has been with me through it all, took me on a trip to the U.K. and at a beautiful waterfall in Scotland asked me to be his wife.
I’m looking at all-inclusive venues in Colorado. We want an intimate ceremony, just close family and friends. Around 20 guests. I made a list of questions (for when we talk with the venues) and potential guest list and shared the document with my father (and future SIL). My dad changed the guestlist to add my stepmom and emailed me “You should invite her. It’s the polite thing to do.”
That language in an email makes it sound (to me) as if my dad thinks I wronged my stepmom. I realize I could be the bigger person, but I feel like her presence at my wedding would be an insult to my dead mother’s memory. And I’m somewhat sensitive and feel deeply, I would be uncomfortable with her there. It’s MY day. I don’t want that. Maybe if it was a big wedding with 200 guests, but small and intimate? I couldn’t avoid her and not feel uncomfortable. (fyi my dad walking me down the aisle won’t matter, we’re bucking a lot of traditions and, please, I’m in my forties)
But am I going too far by standing firm that my stepmom not attend?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because I’m refusing to let my stepmom be invited to my wedding
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Nta. But be prepared your dad won’t attend.
NTA
You are paying for the wedding. It’s a big day for you and your fiance. Don’t feel obligated to share it with anyone who makes you uncomfortable. Ask your father if his wife’s feeling matter more than his daughter’s feelings. And if he can’t pick between the two of you, then there is a huge issue.
NTA. Edit your invite list back to remove her and make it read-only for your father and SIL, they should not get a vote on your guests, it is your wedding, the only people who get input are you and your fiance. Be prepared that your Father may not attend, however you do no owe your step mom an invite.
NTA, your wedding, your special day, your memories, your choice. No further discussion.
NTA, there’s no coming back from her calling you a “dependent loser” like your dead mother. You are having a small intimate wedding with your closest people, and she’s not one of them. If your father can’t respect that then he’s TA. I hope you have a beautiful wedding and a long happy life together ❤️❤️
If my dad sided with a woman who treated me like that, I wouldn’t care if he didn’t attend.
Don’t invite her.
NTA, your dad needs to grow a backbone. It’s your special day. You invite who you want and it’s completely fair that people who make you uncomfortable are not to be invited.
NTA.
It’s always a delicate balance between “my wedding, my choice” and “I want my guests to be comfortable and happy”.
So as a VERY general rule, it’s considered polite to allow the people you’re inviting to bring a plus-one, especially if the plus-one is an intimate partner. I always vote Y-T-A whenever someone makes distinctions along the lines of “I don’t want my brother to bring his otherwise very nice girlfriend of 10 years, because they’re not married and I don’t approve of living in sin.”
BUT there are exceptions to the general rule of “let guests bring a plus-one”, and the main exception is if you have a toxic relationship with their intended plus-one.
Which you do.
If this were merely a woman who wouldn’t be your choice of friend but you could grit your teeth and tolerate her for one day, then I’d say “Let him bring her”.
But your past history with this woman has gone way, way beyond that.
Now, I simply do not allow that woman in my life.
That sounds fair. She has not earned her place as your stepmother, and she has not earned an invitation to your wedding.
Politeness be damned. Stick to your guns. Just be prepared for your father to stay away in solidarity with her.
Have a great wedding.
NTA, but I would prepare for 1 of 2 things happening, you send your dad an invitation with his name only and clearly state there is no plus one and his wife is not invited. He’ll either decline outright and gripe and moan about it, or he’ll try to bring her along anyway. So I would make sure that there is security and that they have her photo.
NTA – your dad already chose her over you a long time ago when he allowed the behavior. It’s sad in a way, but it’s also not. He chose himself. Choose yourself and your fiancé.
Congrats
On Nursing school! Great field AND c CE you can expand / change jobs if u get bored etc. I thought about it but at 58
I was too old and suffering from hypertension and anxiety etc .
NTA – your wedding your choice!
Your dad expects you to invite her because it’s the polite thing to do? That’s rich considering how rude she has been. Calling you a dependent loser was bad enough, but then to add the part about your mom shortly after she passed was beyond the pale. Has she ever apologized for that? I’m guessing not. If having your dad at your wedding is important to you, I would meet him for lunch or call him up and tell him how much these comments have hurt you and his silence on the matter has compounded it. NTA
Why invite her? Because it’s the right thing to do? That’s not a good reason at all. Additionally, the right thing for him to do was stand up for you through all of her ridiculous and hurtful bs, but it sounds like it was just a bridge too far for him. It’s always so convenient when someone decides you have to be the bigger person when they themselves couldn’t do it.
Here’s the thing: if you don’t invite her, you won’t regret it, but if you do invite her, you might. And it’s your wedding and your time to celebrate your love and your future and feel wonderful – not deal with someone like her and your dad. I wish you a long and happy life together. NTA
NTA It’s your wedding day and you shouldn’t have to put up with snide comments. I would be willing to bet that she would bring some heavy “I’m the main character” energy.
NTA. There should be only people who love and want the best for the couple getting married at a wedding. Using that criteria to create a guest list would automatically exclude your stepmom. Kudos to you for being able to stand up for yourself. Wishing you a beautiful wedding and life of love and happiness.
NTA, but your dad will probably not come to the wedding if you don’t invite her. It’s sad, and it sucks, but that’s likely what will happen.
Nope, NTA but you know your dad isn’t going to come. He doesn’t sound like he deserves to come honestly.
Your wedding, your guest list. Since this woman obviously is jealous of you and your place in your father’s life, she doesn’t share in your joy. She doesn’t belong at your wedding. Only people who love you and wish you well belong at your wedding. NTA
NTA. But I think you need to determine if it’s more important for your dad to be there or for your stepmom not to be there. Because I don’t think you’ll get both. If you don’t invite her, he’ll likely skip it too in solidarity.
ESH I also have a stepmom whom I never lived with, who has also not always been kind to me or my siblings. I wanted my dad to come to my wedding and walk me down the aisle so I invited her too.
Being the bigger person puts the ball in their court and, in my experience, doing this sets them up to be the a-hole. My stepmom was such a troll she refused to go (oh darn) and she and my dad fought for a good 2-3 months over this.
You’re NTA. She is not your stepmom in any meaningful sense. She is your father’s wife. This is your day, and you should only have those who love and support you there.
It sounds like she has made no effort to do either of those things in the 24 years she has been your father’s wife. That is on her.
And this is coming from a stepparent.
NTA I got married last year at 39 years old. My biological father and my mom got divorced when I was 11. Both parents got remarried. I was blessed with a great “step” dad but cursed with a horrible step mother. They live several states away from the rest of my family and I. Steo mother absolutely hates me. Always has, through no fault of my own. I invited my father and by default, her. I hoped she wouldn’t attend (she rarely comes when my father visits). Alas, she attended. She made snide comments, ugly faces near the photographer so it got caught on camera, and made her displeasure at the fact that I had my “step” dad walk me down the aisle (he’s my dad and he willingly STEPPED UP to the role of Dad).
Long story short, several family members, the preacher’s wife, my SIL ran interfence so step mother wouldn’t ruin the day. Please, please for your own sanity, follow your gut!