i (23F) have had custody of my niece (7.5F) for the better part of 3 years. She came to live with me in 2022 over thanksgiving and has been by my side since.
i love this little girl with every fiber of my being. I’ve given up job offers, relocations, everything just to give her the stability she needs.
She is my paternal half-sister’s daughter, i only have blood relation to her by her mom and I having the same dad.
this sister has been in and out of jail and rehab and is chronically homeless. she’s an addict, has been for around 10 years, and has no interest in recovering. she’s currently in court-ordered rehab and awaiting sentencing for a possession charge and a criminal mischief charge.
my parents paid to send her to rehab previously, have let her live with us multiple times bill-free, and even let her live in a house, rent-free that they owned, with my niece and nephew (8M) that she later trashed to the point of needing to have it torn down.
my half-sister would yell and scream obscenities at this little girl, and never had food in her house. my niece survived on the occasional meals from friends and candy.
she was in and out of her mother’s care, living with her maternal grandmother, with her paternal grandmother (who currently has custody of her brother, but has told me that she can’t take them both), in foster care, and eventually living with me.
so when my family and I were able to sign over temporary guardianship to me, i was thrilled.
after months of threatening messages, phone spam (im talking thousands of messages a day), and other issues from my half-sister, i filed for custody with the state.
one of the major things that won me custody was a video of my half-sister telling my niece (who was only 4 at the time) over video-call that she “didn’t have a room in her house anymore” and that she “abandoned her family”.
i was awarded sole legal and physical custody by my state in July of 2023.
things were going amazing, i had a stable job and she was slowly improving in school (when I enrolled her in pre-k, she was under preschool level academically and had to go to Kindergarten the next school year). we were doing wonderfully, and every day i came to love this silly and smart little girl more and more.
ive been sick in one way or another since about 2015, but began to get more sick around the summer of 2024. we had relocated to another part of the state a few months earlier and i was now working a manual labor job (beekeeper/shop hand).
i have a corrected AC1 (Arnold Chiari/Chiari Malformation), which means I have a titanium mesh in the back of my skull and other issues involving my spine. this influences my joints, my muscles, and my brain function. i also have Syringomyelia as a result of my AC1, which is back-ups of spinal fluid stuck in parts of my neck and spine, and flares with similar symptoms. im having other issues that are still being investigated by my medical team, mostly relating to my pain and brain fog, with no answers or diagnosis currently.
i went from being someone who could read multiple books in a day and absorb it all to barely being able to read a short article and remember what is in it.
i have no focus, a barely-functional memory, persistent pain, and mobility issues.
i started getting into specialists when i finally had consistent insurance (beginning of this year, yipee for Medicaid expansion); neurology and neurosurgery at first. one told me that my mesh is in place and stable so they couldn’t help me, and the other said that something was wrong but they couldn’t tell me what and to go to a different specialist.
my work hours have steadily decreased due to this, my pain and brain fog makes it hard to work more than 4-5 hours at a time. im down to about 20 hours per week, which isn’t enough at my 15$/hour rate.
on top of this, my other half-sister (30’sF) came to live with me and my niece with her two sons (11M and 5M) for a period of time (about 4 months). she paid for nothing for her and her sons other than rent, leaving issues such as groceries and clothes and school supplies and repairs for the things her sons broke up to me for them. because of this, i racked up a substantial amount of debt (about 10k in credit card debt).
my mom sat me down today, having been my rock emotionally and financially through this, and suggested that i relinquish custody to my niece’s maternal grandmother.
she worries for my health and happiness (im happy. scared, but happy) and that she wants me to live my life. she worries that I won’t be able to keep up with my niece as she grows and my health continues to deteriorate with no answers.
and I don’t know what to do.
i love this little girl so much, i want to give her the world and I don’t know who I would be without her. I’ve had custody of her the longest out of all of her placements, i don’t want her to think I have abandoned her or that it is somehow her fault.
I’ve spent almost every moment since that conversation in tears, I don’t want to lose this light in my life but i wouldn’t be able to live with myself if i knew I wasn’t giving her the life she so rightfully deserves.
I don’t know what to do, or how to do it.
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Original copy of post’s text by /u/bubble-blowing-burn:
i (23F) have had custody of my niece (7.5F) for the better part of 3 years. She came to live with me in 2022 over thanksgiving and has been by my side since.
i love this little girl with every fiber of my being. I’ve given up job offers, relocations, everything just to give her the stability she needs.
She is my paternal half-sister’s daughter, i only have blood relation to her by her mom and I having the same dad.
this sister has been in and out of jail and rehab and is chronically homeless. she’s an addict, has been for around 10 years, and has no interest in recovering. she’s currently in court-ordered rehab and awaiting sentencing for a possession charge and a criminal mischief charge.
my parents paid to send her to rehab previously, have let her live with us multiple times bill-free, and even let her live in a house, rent-free that they owned, with my niece and nephew (8M) that she later trashed to the point of needing to have it torn down.
my half-sister would yell and scream obscenities at this little girl, and never had food in her house. my niece survived on the occasional meals from friends and candy.
she was in and out of her mother’s care, living with her maternal grandmother, with her paternal grandmother (who currently has custody of her brother, but has told me that she can’t take them both), in foster care, and eventually living with me.
so when my family and I were able to sign over temporary guardianship to me, i was thrilled.
after months of threatening messages, phone spam (im talking thousands of messages a day), and other issues from my half-sister, i filed for custody with the state.
one of the major things that won me custody was a video of my half-sister telling my niece (who was only 4 at the time) over video-call that she “didn’t have a room in her house anymore” and that she “abandoned her family”.
i was awarded sole legal and physical custody by my state in July of 2023.
things were going amazing, i had a stable job and she was slowly improving in school (when I enrolled her in pre-k, she was under preschool level academically and had to go to Kindergarten the next school year). we were doing wonderfully, and every day i came to love this silly and smart little girl more and more.
ive been sick in one way or another since about 2015, but began to get more sick around the summer of 2024. we had relocated to another part of the state a few months earlier and i was now working a manual labor job (beekeeper/shop hand).
i have a corrected AC1 (Arnold Chiari/Chiari Malformation), which means I have a titanium mesh in the back of my skull and other issues involving my spine. this influences my joints, my muscles, and my brain function. i also have Syringomyelia as a result of my AC1, which is back-ups of spinal fluid stuck in parts of my neck and spine, and flares with similar symptoms. im having other issues that are still being investigated by my medical team, mostly relating to my pain and brain fog, with no answers or diagnosis currently.
i went from being someone who could read multiple books in a day and absorb it all to barely being able to read a short article and remember what is in it.
i have no focus, a barely-functional memory, persistent pain, and mobility issues.
i started getting into specialists when i finally had consistent insurance (beginning of this year, yipee for Medicaid expansion); neurology and neurosurgery at first. one told me that my mesh is in place and stable so they couldn’t help me, and the other said that something was wrong but they couldn’t tell me what and to go to a different specialist.
my work hours have steadily decreased due to this, my pain and brain fog makes it hard to work more than 4-5 hours at a time. im down to about 20 hours per week, which isn’t enough at my 15$/hour rate.
on top of this, my other half-sister (30’sF) came to live with me and my niece with her two sons (11M and 5M) for a period of time (about 4 months). she paid for nothing for her and her sons other than rent, leaving issues such as groceries and clothes and school supplies and repairs for the things her sons broke up to me for them. because of this, i racked up a substantial amount of debt (about 10k in credit card debt).
my mom sat me down today, having been my rock emotionally and financially through this, and suggested that i relinquish custody to my niece’s maternal grandmother.
she worries for my health and happiness (im happy. scared, but happy) and that she wants me to live my life. she worries that I won’t be able to keep up with my niece as she grows and my health continues to deteriorate with no answers.
and I don’t know what to do.
i love this little girl so much, i want to give her the world and I don’t know who I would be without her. I’ve had custody of her the longest out of all of her placements, i don’t want her to think I have abandoned her or that it is somehow her fault.
I’ve spent almost every moment since that conversation in tears, I don’t want to lose this light in my life but i wouldn’t be able to live with myself if i knew I wasn’t giving her the life she so rightfully deserves.
I don’t know what to do, or how to do it.
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It sounds like you’re in an impossible position, torn between the love you have for your niece and the reality of your declining health, finances, and capacity. You’ve already given her more stability and care than she’s ever known, and that’s not something that gets erased if custody changes.
Why don’t your parents help out?
You absolutely don’t have to do that unless you want to. That child would rather have a sick mother than get passed along again. Ask any adult if they’d have rather been passed along to another family and lose their mother because she was sick – 0% of them would be like “sure, bye mom!” It’s a crazy thought. If your mother and the rest of the family really want what’s best for you, they’d HELP. Honestly, your mom is fucking nuts to even suggest it.
And chance YOU and your Brice could move in with the maternal grandmother? It would make the transition easier for your Brice and you would probable able to support yourself there. Just a thought.
As long as you are able t keep contact wth your niece it would probably be a good decision considering your health issue.You can still be part of her life for sure and you may be in her life longer if you take some time to take care of yourself.I hope you get some answers about your condition and enjoy your days ahead.Your mom gave you some good advice as I’m sure she has watched you slowly deteriorate over the past few years and is just looking out for you.
If her maternal grandma is a good ,loving person who cares for her then it is probably not a poor choice.Of course you are torn but as long as the little one knows you care and sees you she will adjust🙏❤️
Do you get any money from the state to support your niece? Maybe call the welfare office and find out what resources you’re eligible for? SNAP, commodity foods, assistance with paying your utilities, seasonal assistance like back to school supplies, Thanksgiving food baskets, Christmas gift help.
I understand you’re in a tough situation. Maybe reach out to the grandma and see if maybe the two of you could share custody? Your niece and her brother could see each other more, you’d have some support, and the grandma would not have the strain of having both grandkids (you mentioned she said she couldn’t take both). I am sure your niece would rather remain with you, even if your lives aren’t easy, than to go into the system or to a home that couldn’t handle her. Good luck. Updateme
What would you do if your niece were your biological child? Would you still be considering relinquishing custody?
Have you looked into any financial aid that might be available?
You sister and her boys are not helping. Tell her to either step up or move out.
First of all, can I say how impressed I am for all you have accomplished at 23- with your level of discomfort and pain, no less. I was a CASA (court appointed special advocate for children in care due to abuse and/or neglect) and I have tremendous respect for relatives that show up to keep children out of foster care. If there is any way to keep her, please do. The little girl thrives in your care and I can hear how loved she is now. Although Kinship care is not well funded in all the states, there may be some resources available to you. Best of luck whatever you do.
NTA
I hope things work out so you can get healthy again ❤️
Please whatever you do don’t give her up. She needs you and things will get better.
I’m curious, how is your mother‘s relationship with this little girl? Is she bonded to her? The way a grandmother would be? Would she be willing to take her if your health continues to decline?
I think if you love this little girl and you believe that she is best with you, she needs to stay with you.
I have multiple sclerosis, I am disabled and I have children!
You can be disabled and have a child!!
I really hate when able-bodied people infantilize us and tell us what we can and can not do. We know us best
You have been her stability and rock. Passing her on to yet another person will definitely cause abandonment issues for her.
If you want to keep her keep her.
Your mom is not in your body. She does not know best. You do.
Good luck. It sounds like you both really love each other and are doing this thing.
I think you should consider applying for Social Security disability especially if your doctors are behind you. You can not work a full-time job at this point.
It is also not enough to live on. I’m not going to lie to you.
But you can also make up to $1,200ish a month (it changes every couple of years, so I would suggest looking at the SSDI site) doing a part-time job.
NTA. If she has somewhere else safe and loving that she can go, you should send her there. You should explain to her how much you love her, but that you are now sick and can’t give her the care that she deserves.
Your concern is to do what’s right for your niece. That doesnt only mean financially. It also means mentally. Based on what you’ve described of her past plus what her mom said to her on video call, she may very well feel abandoned.
However, if you are having brain fog and mobility issues to the point where her (or your) life may be in danger then that takes precedence. During your brain fog, do you know who you are? Who she is? What’s happening at that moment? Or do you blackout and maybe something awful could happen in that time?
7.5 y.o. is a tricky age. They understand alot but her grasping the concept of your health being the ONLY reason she cant stay with you may not be in her ability to understand.
You know your price and yourself better than anyone. Maybe sit her down and explain some basics of what’s happening with your health and Dr’s are trying but haven’t figured out what’s wrong yet but dont scare her. Casually bring up her living with her grandma and quietly (or flat out ask her if thats better) how she’d feel about staying with grandma while the doctors research, etc.?
Does grandma live close enough to you that you can daily/regularly see her?
My heart and prayers goes out to you both! You’re NTA! You clearly love her and wants what’s best for her or you wouldn’t be so worried! I wish you all the best!
What about shared custody with grandmother? Do you trust her and would it be I your beloved neices best interest?