I (23F) found out that my husband (24M) cheated on me overseas while I was 7 months pregnant. While he was on deployment I kept having dreams that he was cheating on me and I would tell him about them and jokingly ask if the universe was trying to tell me something. Every time he would tell me I had nothing to worry about and how there was no woman that he would ever betray me for. After about the 5th dream I stopped bringing it up and wrote it off as me being insecure or paranoid.
He got home two weeks ago and everything has been so great. He got to meet our baby for the first time ( he left when I was 4 months pregnant and missed the birth) and we have been just enjoying being parents together while also rekindling our love for one another.
Last night, he decided he wanted to take mushrooms cause one of his buddies gifted him some as a welcome home present. He always gets very emotional while tripping so I was prepared to comfort him while he cried about missing me and the birth of our baby. Once he started to trip, he seemed really off and distant, like he was in his head too much. something kept nagging me to casually mention the cheating dreams again. I made a joke about how he probably had another baby waiting on him in one of the countries he went to on deployment and he got really defensive. That’s when I knew.
I told him I think he cheated on me because of this reaction and he denied it at first. I let it go but could tell it was eating him alive and eventually he looked at me and just said he was sorry. He said it was a one time thing and that he regrets it and wanted to tell me so many times but was “worried about my mental health because I just had a baby”.
Obviously I’m devastated and feel extremely betrayed. I have never once thought about being unfaithful to him in the five years we’ve been together. So to know that alls it took was 2 months into a deployment to make him betray me is soul crushing. I want to keep our family together because I know he loves our baby, but I don’t know how I can even begin to trust him again and I want our child to grow up seeing a healthy loving relationship.
Am I setting myself up for a lifetime of disappointment and heartbreak if I agree to work things out? Or is there some way we can fix things? I just want what’s best for my baby.
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Do you love him? Do you love him enough to give him another chance? Going without sex for months can truly make a man do some crazy shit. This is no excuse, but its the truth.
He cheated on you while you were pregnant, he lied about it to you more than once, and he doesn’t know how to keep his pants zipped when he’s on deployment. He only told you the truth because he was drugged up on mushrooms, not because he actually wanted to be honest about anything. Even then, you don’t know for sure that it was only one time, you can’t trust him to tell you the truth when he’s sober or high. You now get to decide if you can live with someone who is dishonest and who cheats, your choice.
Girl, choose yourself. If you can live in a toxic environment, go ahead. I’m calling it toxic because he cheated while you’re pregnant and denied it. And now you have to live with it.
Veteran here, if he did it once he did it multiple times, and he will do it again. But if you want to try you first get the girls name and if she was military as well (high chance she was) and give him the option divorce or report himself and her. If he won’t report that means he is protecting himself and her and you aren’t the priority. He may get kicked out but since he a male most likely not. They will separate them though.
If you have proof report it to the military. He will get in big trouble. Then divorce him.
I’m so sorry, that is heartbreaking. Esp when it had only been 2 mos since you’d seen each other, plus you were pregnant with his child. He also lied to you several times, & only fessed up when he was high. If it hadn’t been for your dreams & intuition, I doubt he would have told you.
You two need a long & ruthlessly honest conversation first. Then you need to be ruthlessly honest with yourself & figure out what you want.
I’m so sorry he did that to you.
Also I’ve always thought that all military cheat. I think they encourage it. But I know some don’t, just this is another example that perpetuates that stereotype. SMH
He cheated on you at least once.
He repeatedly lied to your face about it.
He’s only admitted when continually pressed on this, and there’s no way to confirm if he’s told the whole truth or is just bread crumbing you.
Some couples come back from this, but most don’t. I would get out now while you’re young & only have the one kid with him. He knew what he was doing was wrong, he knew you were pregnant at home & couldn’t care enough to keep his pants zipped up for 60 days.
He tripped up when you said you probably have another baby in another country. You may find out that is true. It wasn’t ever just a ONS.
No hope. My husband cheated in the military while I was pregnant in 1985. Never stopped. Divorced him after 7 years. Run
Nobody hitting on the shrooms use?
I’m sorry. It wasn’t bad enough that you had to go through childbirth and having a newborn without your partner, but then he pulls shit like this.
Please read “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” by Tracy Schorn.
It will help you answer your question better than anyone here can.
I guarantee it wasn’t “only one time”. That’s just the time you know about. He willing put your life and the life of your child at risk by cheating. Get an STD test just in case.
almost all military guys all cheat and they all encourage each other to cheat so if he’s crossed that boundary once, he’s done it before and he’ll do it again.
Please get tested asap.
I know you have visions of a nuclear family, but one of your group just admitted to breaking the deal with your marriage. You will have a very hard time forgiving him. Think about what it means to stay. Will you ever trust him again? Will he stray again? How will you tell your child about this behavior when they spot dad with another woman?
I’m so sorry, this isn’t your fault but your husband is a loser. Find someone else who will be true to you. Then you can have that family you want. This guy ain’t it.
Imagine living with him for the rest of your life never being able to trust a word he says and resenting him so much that it affects your relationship, it gets unhealthy and your child grows to see how unhappy you two are together.
I’m going to just be straight.
Likely, yes.
You will be setting up for a lifetime of disappointment, I’d say pretty big chance of that.
You guys married young and he’s not ‘strong’ enough to withstand temptation. And based on the story, I also wonder if he was not being ‘safe’ as in no condoms when he was with other women.
Obviously, it’s up to you if you want to stay put. Because I’ve seen most of my friends who just have given birth (after finding out their husbands were cheaters)–100% wanted to work it out. And they decided to give it another go (I have to warn you, OP, 100% of these all ended up with the husbands repeated cheating on them despite marriage counseling, etc). So I’m not going to put you down for wanting to work things out. Go for it if you want.
But just be realistic with your expectation. Lifetime is a long time, and since he can’t even stay faithful, within a couple of months of being away, I’d say yes, he’ll repeat cheating on you and possibly will put your health in jeopardy in the future, or worse, he’ll be impregnating someone else….so just be prepared for that, because the likelihood of those things happening (him giving you STI, knocking up someone else, is pretty high in the future). PREPARE for the worst (i.e, get yourself a stable job, make yourself financially independent, get support network ready, etc).
What I’d suggest to you is for him to get STI screening as soon as possible with you being able to see the result. If he’s got something, he needs to be treated asap. Then perhaps if you stay put, get into marriage counseling possibly. Good luck. How about this, make sure he gets STI screening every time after he returns home from deployment. Just in case.
Hate to say it – former military here – this is common in the military.
Why would you wanna stay with him ?? Girl I’m in the army and let me tell you if they are cheating they won’t stop!!! I seen it so many times from other soldiers, they cheat wife finds out wife forgives and they still keep on cheating
I understand your pain and confusion right now; this feeling of betrayal is truly difficult to bear. You want the best for your children, and that’s crucial, but you can’t ignore your own feelings. Trust can be rebuilt, but it takes time, sincere communication, and concrete action. You can give yourself a cooling-off period to clarify your boundaries before considering whether to repair the relationship. In the meantime, seeking marriage or psychological counseling can be very helpful, allowing you to clear your mind in a safe environment and find the best options for yourself.