We’ve been going through some tough times lately. Married 16 yrs. Never felt like I needed to question his loyalty, but I noticed he switched to face ID to open any app on his phone. He also sleeps separately from me and has been extra resentful and angry towards me (its complicated). He’s going out with friends a lot more and coming home late. Our love life has just gone to shit in the past year, its been the loneliest year of my marriage and I’m not sure I can take much more.
I asked to see his phone and he told me he could not do that because he has private conversations he doesnt want me to see. So I didnt pry. But, the other night I pressed again and he said he asked his family and friends for advice and talks about our relationship. I told him I didnt care about messages to his mom or sisters.
He reluctantly unlocked it and let me hold it while he watched me look at it. Every app needs face ID. I had him open what’s app and I didn’t even get a chance to see it before he grabbed the phone and threw it. It was then that I knew something was really wrong.
He swears he’s not cheating and I need to just trust him but my heart is telling me otherwise. I have been a mess and he says I’m crazy and need mental help. I just feel so hurt, so I asked one last time. And again he mentioned private conversations and that I have no right to see them. So I told him I wanted him to understand that he is throwing away his marriage for some private messages and he said OK and walked away. I do not think I will ever get my answers now.
I feel like his ambiguity is making me feel crazy. I started the divorce paperwork. I just haven’t had the courage to do the finalized review.(this situation wasn’t the sole reason for doing so- but cheating wasn’t a reason either)
Anyone been in this situation and it wasn’t cheating? What apps/folders etc I look for on iPhone if he is? I feel like he gave me an answer by not giving me one. I just don’t know how to proceed.
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If you got nothing to hide then why hide it so.
No he’s DEFINITELY hiding something BAD. You are not paranoid or overthinking.
Why is he talking to his family and friends about YOUR relationship and not you? Why is he sleeping in another room? Why has he been angry and distant for the past year? Why are you allowing this to go on? Before presenting him with the divorce papers, ask him to go to marriage counseling with you. If he refuses, you have an answer. Proceed with the divorce. Because right now you don’t have a marriage, you have a hostage situation where you’re both being held in a place that can only get more damaging. That’s no way to live.
The fact that he has apps LOCKED on his phone says enough for me. And then the throwing the phone? He’s either dogging you real bad to family/friends or cheating. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
It sounds very suspicious. But it sounds like your marriage is in trouble either way. I’m sorry. Have you considered couple’s therapy?
Assume the worst and go from there. People don’t hide innocent things.
Do you really need to know the details to make a decision?
Why are you not in MC? Does he want a divorce?
Tell him that you are seeking a divorce because he’s being so secretive. That if FaceID isn’t removed from everything you’ll ask him to leave the house because you aren’t sure what disease he has caught and who from. Let him know that all your trust has eroded so this is do or die and he is choosing to kill this relationship and hide what you will only assume is cheating if he doesn’t unlock the phone.
If he refuses starting calling people close to you and him and let them know you’ll be seeking a divorce because you know he’s cheating.
Innocent people don’t hide things.