I [F28] am marrying my fiancé [M31] next week, and I’m feeling anxious about a pattern I’ve noticed in how we make decisions.
For context: me and my partner have been dating for a year. Some think it’s quick, but in our culture and religion it’s quite normal since we don’t live we each other and we’re not intimate before marriage.
We live in different cities about 4-5 hours away from each other. For 8 months we couldn’t agree on where to live. He preferred to “wait it out” while I felt anxious and wanted to discuss it. Eventually, I agreed to move to his city, with the understanding that if I didn’t like it or if we had children, we would move to my city or somewhere else. He agreed, but later hesitated when I reminded him, which made me doubt the promise.
He’s a student with 1.5 years left, so I’m open to trying his city until he finishes. I work full-time with a good salary, but I work in a field where there are quite a lot of job openings, so I wouldn’t be too worried about finding a job in his city. I have a chronic illness. I also have a large family I would rely on for support once we have children.
The bigger issue is that I tend to people-please, and when we disagree, he often waits me out instead of compromising. I don’t think he’s malicious, but it feels (unintentionally) manipulative, and I’m worried about how this dynamic might affect bigger life decisions in marriage. I have severe anxiety and it’s taking a toll on my mental health.
Are there strategies to ensure both our needs are met, given that he tends to be stubborn and I tend to give in? How can I know if this dynamic is likely to be a long-term issue in our marriage?
I love him so much and I want it to work but I’m so emotionally drained right now.
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I feel like this is one of the problems of marrying people so quickly who you have never lived with
1000000% couples counselling before you get married… checks notes next week! Well. ASAP.
Let me get this straight:
All of the above are huge red flags. The strategy is to wait. Spend more time getting to know each other. I don’t give a crap about your culture. LIVE TOGETHER AND HAVE SEX. Those are two vital things you need to know about each other BEFORE you marry.
This is a match made in hell if you pursue marriage this fast and with someone you truly barely know.
This is above reddits pay grade. Regardless of culture, I suggest therapy. If you’re not living together you should date longer in my opinion cos stuff will show up eventually. At the end of the day if you’re having second thoughts and it’s not cold feet then you probably shouldn’t be getting married. But since you have anxiety this could just be anxiety showing up. On the other hand it sounds like you two are a little too different in decision-making processes. I don’t know what to do you’re a week away from getting married. Youre probably not going to be sure to your living with him anyway. My suggestion will be go on the pill do not get pregnant in the first year
You are better off asking this question in a sub for arranged marriages.
I think it’s absolutely crazy to marry so soon when you don’t have a clue who this person is and they are already showing red flags. You know very well he’ll break his promise because he doesn’t give a shit about you. You are not compatible.
You two should not be getting married. This isn’t a healthy relationship – you barely know each other, you’ve only been together a year, mostly long distance, and his behaviour is already problematic. This is only going to get worse – how is divorce seen in your culture?
He absolutely waits you out until you just give in. That’s a warning sign, yes
How hard is it to get a divorce in your country/culture?
These are some pretty fundamental things you’re trying to decide, how will he be with bigger decisions like children?