My mom died 10 years ago. I (18f) was 7 and my brother was 9. Dad met our stepmom when I was 9 and they got married when I was 10. My dad and stepmom explained it to us that she was going to be another maternal figure in our lives, she’d be there for us for stuff we needed from a mom and to please feel like we could go to her with anything. Only I never did feel comfortable with her filling the role. Instead I chose to go to my maternal grandma or twin aunt aka mom’s twin sister. They live super close to us and I was already close with them. Plus they were mom’s family too. So it felt like I was connecting with her still and with my aunt it was like looking at my mom. I now it hurt my stepmom’s feelings that I went to them when I first started my period and whenever I wanted to try different period products or had questions about my body.
But going to her never felt right. It felt more natural to go to people who were connected to me through mom. And I know she would have wanted me to go to her family. She even told me before she died that I could always trust them if I needed someone and that I might need them for stuff when I got a little older and she wanted me to know it would be okay and they could do it.
My dad and stepmom never held the same expectations for my brother to turn to our stepmom. I was told that he was a boy so it was different but a girl needed a womanly presence for some things.
When my dad and stepmom were expecting my half brother my stepmom was disappointed I didn’t want to be involved in her pregnancy. I was invited to a scan to see if he was a boy or a girl and I was invited to go baby shopping but I wasn’t interested at all in that stuff and I had a hard time during her pregnancy with the fact dad was having a kid with someone other than mom. I didn’t hate them for that but it was just hard, and sad, and I cried in private over it for a while.
Nothing changed with me and the girly/maternal stuff. My aunt joined me and my friends for prom dress shopping and my stepmom was so disappointed she didn’t get to instead. I couldn’t invite both because she feels awkward and more upset around my aunt and grandma because I’m so much closer to them. She gets sad that I don’t have that with her too. Boy stuff and other things I went to grandma or my aunt for too. Including birth control.
After graduation I spent some time at my aunts house before I decided to spend time with my grandparents. Dad asked if we could meet for lunch the other week and he said it won’t be long before I move for college and I was like yeah. He told me he wanted to talk about my stepmom and the relationship we had. He said he understood my loyalty to mom made me feel uncomfortable going to my stepmom for stuff like boys, periods, dress shopping and stuff of that nature. But he told me I could have all three and it would mean a lot to my stepmom if I could let her in more.
He said she tries and she loves me and my brother. But she feels like a failure because I never felt comfortable going to her with any of that stuff. And he brought up how one day if I get married and go dress shopping she’d be even more uncomfortable with my grandma and aunt there if she never gets to do that stuff with me. He said the bond between us makes her both happy and sad because she feels like we can never have that or something close. He asked me if that was true. I told him it was from my end. That we get along fine now and I couldn’t see myself ever wanting more from the relationship.
He said he understood but he was disappointed and not letting her do any of it was really hurting her feelings so I should just think about it. We ended it on another note. But I went back to what he said because I wonder if he might be disappointed in me for not going to her and not seeing a chance for us to develop a closer more maternal bond.
AITA?
Comments
Honestly yeah it sounds like YTA. You don’t have to sacrifice your relationship with any other family members to just show some kindness to this woman who sounds like she’s just been perfectly nice and trying to show you love. It doesn’t have to be a huge commitment, just do the occasional nice thing together. Maybe include her sometimes if you can.
You can’t help the way you feel. It sounds like you really never even gave her a chance. Doesn’t sound like she was demanding or inserting herself, just waiting in the wings. Building a relationship with your step mother doesn’t disrespect your mum. It’s not one or the other, you can have both. Sounds like you had lots of support all around you growing up. My son has a father and a step father, he has a close relationship with both, and they are very respectful (even friendly) towards each other as adult males in his life. My son never had to choose, he wasn’t disrespecting his father by building a relationship with my husband. Infact, his father encouraged it as we truely believe it takes a village to raise a child
NTA
YTA. She gave you the space you needed and you took more as well. This was fine when you were a child and a young adolescent but you need to grow up. She doesn’t want or need to be your mother but she is the mother of your half siblings and the wife of your father.
Be nicer. It’s not disrespectful to your late mother. She would probably tell you the same thing.
NTA your stepmum needs to accept that you will never have that kind of connection that you have with your grandma and aunt and to keep pushing and your dad getting involved isn’t going to help things.
It sounds like you never gave her a chance. She doesn’t sound like an awful stepmonster, you even talk about her respectfully and kindly. It takes time to form a bond and she gave you that space, but you never really tried.
I get it. You were at an age where you were vulnerable and allowing another woman into your life was difficult. It might even be (in a childs eyes) disrespecting your moms memory. You clung to the people you were already close to (understandable) but never got past being the small hurt grieving child.
I can’t criticise you for your childhood feelings, but you are growing into an adult now. It’s not too late to let the poor woman in. Reading between the lines she really does love you, and that’s a blessing. You can never have too much love in your life. I’m not saying you should immediately go full on mom/daughter, just give her some grace for being someone else in your life who would love you if you let them. I think you’ll be surprised how much more blessed your life will be. She’s never tried to replace your mom, just to be an important person in your life who loves you.
NTA
This is the classic thing of a parent thinking that their children needs or want another person to fill the role of their deceased parent.
You didn’t ask for or want another mum. You have maternal figures you’ve known since birth that you’re more comfortable discussing personal stuff or want to certain things with. That’s completely normal imo.
They decided that she was ‘mum’ now for all girl related things despite the basic relationship for that to happen not being there. You were right to call out the double standard between you and your brother, too. Like no boy or man has ever gone to his mum for advice on anything?
She can be hurt that you haven’t developed a relationship with her like she wanted or imagined, but that doesn’t mean that your feelings or wants have to come second to hers to make her feel good.
You can’t help the way you feel, but you can kiss any inheritance goodbye. And don’t ever go to her asking her for money. Kind of short sited on your end.
NAH. It’s a tough situation, and I do feel for your stepmom, but your feelings are more than valid and understandable. Your grandmother and aunt are also a connection to your mom.
Stepmom did make the mistake of coming on too strong, which, again, I do understand, but it wasn’t what you needed. And it was only two years since you had lost your mom.
I’m so jealous of some of these posts. My mum died at 8 and I would have loved to have another caring mother figure in my life.
NTA
The tough side of marrying someone with kids is that those kids won’t necessarily see you as another parent figure. You can’t force someone to like you or trust you. She has to swallow that pill. She should’ve cherished and look after things she could’ve done with you for you instead of trying to force herself into position that never was hers.
Don’t feel guilty or bad.
Both your stepmother and your dad need to stop trying to manipulate you. NTA
NTA
She let her discomfort stop you from getting close. She should have gone on those group shopping trips and other events with your Aunt and/Grandma.
She wanted to be the one and only woman you turn to. But you have always loved your Aunt and Grandma, as well as your mom. It is her loss.
Nta your mom passed an he moved on in 2 years to some one else your mom has a twin so would make you even more close to her the step mom needs to step back and leave you be an your dad a jerk for pushing you an guilt tripping
You
If I understand what you said correctly, she wants to do these things with you but wants you to exclude your mother’s mother and sister because they make her uncomfortable? If that is accurate, it’s unacceptable. She has no right to force a choice.
NTA, that is totally up to you.
But trying to see things a different way, was she good to you growing up? Did she help out with you growing up? Cooking, cleaning, homework, pick ups?
It would be deflating to do all the work of raising a child, but not do any of the fun stuff.
NTA- Your dad is an asshole. So is your stepmom.
You’re a kid. Yes you’re 18 but you’re still a kid. What I mean is no person should put their adult feelings and issues on the shoulders of a child.
Her disappointment of not having a mother-daughter relationship with you, is on her.
Her not having a biological daughter and those experiences is not on you either.
Your dad failed as a father. He didn’t have to remarry. He chose not to single parent and remarry someone to do most of the work. He married for his own needs. He fancied it up by saying you needed a mother figure. You had your aunt and your grandmother. He also could’ve waited to remarry when you left for college.
Him approaching you about this is a jerk move. He wants you to fix something you’re not responsible for. Your stepmom needs therapy- a lot of it.
She could have been an adult Friend? She wanted that mother role. But you already had a mother. You would’ve had a better relationship if she had been content with being your friend. What she wanted, put pressure on you and that wasn’t fair. So she and your dad created this through their actions and deeds.
Her insecurities over your aunt and grandmother are ridiculous. She’s a grown ass woman.
I’ll never understand this whole “girly-girl” fad that’s popped up since the turn of the century. It’s all Disney Princess weddings and pinky promises and mothers taking their daughters to the salon to get fake nails put on. Please, don’t think that this was always considered normal, and that it’s required of you to be a woman. The fact that your stepmother demanded this kind of bonding from you is the additional sticky-sweet icing on the cake. You weren’t interested. Not your cup of tea. That should be explanation enough. You be you.
NTA but I do think that you have an opportunity to build a stronger relationship with your stepmom while also keeping the bonds you have with your maternal family. I don’t think, by the sounds of it, at least from your tone, that anyone is manipulating you. I think your dad & stepmom are genuinely wanting to have a strong familial bond. Think about it from her perspective. She came into a situation where she knew you and your brother may not want her in your lives but was hoping in time things would change.
You have every right to feel what you’re feeling & to do whatever you want. I can’t imagine losing a parent at such a young age. Thank God you have your mom’s side of the family. Not many people have that.
I have a stepdad who I consider my dad. He is amazing to my mom & took in four kids not his own when they got together. I am so thankful he came into my life.
You can try to build a relationship with her that could be more along the lines of a friend than a maternal figure. Go for coffee or see a movie together. That is your choice. If you don’t see that happening then know that your relationship with your father may be altered.