I (21M) told my girlfriend (21F) about something that I was particularly excited to share with her. I’m in the creative space, and so I was sharing a premise for this short film (I don’t have the funds to actually make it happen, but I was sharing it with her because I thought it was cool).
The first words after I told her the idea were words to the effect of “I’m gonna be blunt with you” and she shot the idea down before I had a chance to explain anything else. I don’t expect her to be as excited as I am, but this isn’t the first time it’s happened. Whenever I go to her excited about something, I often feel that whatever it is I’m excited about is shot down. Yesterday, I told her that I didn’t appreciate how she shot the idea down, before I had a chance to even go into a bit more details about what the idea was, and that it wasn’t the first time it’s happened. I told her that whenever I come to her with something I’m excited about, she finds a way to “be blunt” about why she isn’t. I only go to her first because she’s my girlfriend; who else would I go to? I then told her that in the future I’ll just talk to my other friends about it, so that I’m not shot down before given a chance to explain my thought process.
She says that I’m unfairly making her an antagonist if she doesn’t unconditionally support me in whatever it is that I do, whether she agrees or not. I say that I’m not looking for her to unconditionally support me, but at the very least, to hear my rationale before she shoots the thought down.
Where I may be the asshole is telling her that I am not going to come to her with these things anymore, because my excitement seems to get shot down before I can explain myself. Am I the asshole?
Edit:
More info
It’s more than just the ideas that I have in the creative space. It’s small things too. I have long hair that I can be pretty flexible with, and when I show her something new with it, it’s “enjoy it while it lasts.” When I’m excited about quite literally anything, she’s always got something negative to say and that gets draining. She doesn’t give any input on how to improve it (which I welcome. As a creative, I’m no stranger to coming up with a stinker idea and being told how to develop it). I welcome criticism, but I don’t get any from her. She just says something bluntly and it’s always about how she doesn’t like it
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I (21M) told my girlfriend (21F) about something that I was particularly excited to share with her. I’m in the creative space, and so I was sharing a premise for this short film (I don’t have the funds to actually make it happen, but I was sharing it with her because I thought it was cool).
The first words after I told her the idea were words to the effect of “I’m gonna be blunt with you” and she shot the idea down before I had a chance to explain anything else. I don’t expect her to be as excited as I am, but this isn’t the first time it’s happened. Whenever I go to her excited about something, I often feel that whatever it is I’m excited about is shot down. Yesterday, I told her that I didn’t appreciate how she shot the idea down, before I had a chance to even go into a bit more details about what the idea was, and that it wasn’t the first time it’s happened. I told her that whenever I come to her with something I’m excited about, she finds a way to “be blunt” about why she isn’t. I only go to her first because she’s my girlfriend; who else would I go to? I then told her that in the future I’ll just talk to my other friends about it, so that I’m not shot down before given a chance to explain my thought process.
She says that I’m unfairly making her an antagonist if she doesn’t unconditionally support me in whatever it is that I do, whether she agrees or not. I say that I’m not looking for her to unconditionally support me, but at the very least, to hear my rationale before she shoots the thought down.
Where I may be the asshole is telling her that I am not going to come to her with these things anymore, because my excitement seems to get shot down before I can explain myself. Am I the asshole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I told her that I’m not going to be coming to her with things that excite me anymore.
2. She’s my girlfriend, and I should be able to go to her with anything, but I’ve effectively told her that she’s not a safe space for me to be excited about things.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NAH. You come to her for feedback and advice, and she’s providing it. Her role is indeed not to provide unconditional support. And you are also within your right to just not go to her with these ideas.
NTA it sounds like you were clear and communicated what bothered you, and she chose to get defensive about it.
NTA. Your partner should be interested in your thoughts or ideas. You were just asking for support. I hope that your friends make you feel more appreciated.
NTA but why stay with a person who makes you feel shitty about your ideas and doesn’t support you?
This is hard to call without more information, but I’m leaning ESH.
It sounds like you’re probably too excitable and need to learn to let things breathe for a bit and think about how to explain your excitement concisely before sharing it. And that’s probably a hard need, because if your elevator pitches suck, you’ll have a hard time working in creative industries.
It also sounds like she’s decided to go with shooting everything down instead trying to tell you the above, which is not helpful.
NAH – why do I feel like some info is missing? You were excited and wanted her to hear your thoughts and plans for this creative endeavor, but you also said immediately that despite your excitement you knew you were not going to do it because you lacked the cash to make it real. I guess I have to ask How often have you done this? Gotten very excited about something you knew was a never going to happen deal, gone to her and laid out your excitement for her? If this happens fairly often with you, I would cautiously say perhaps she exhausted of this? Having to wade thru entire creative layouts, knowing you will not try to do it, so she is cutting to the chase by stopping you in your tracks and saying “ I’m going to be blunt with you”? Even if this is the case, she should try to listen to your entire idea and work with you to try and find a way to make it work, to get the cash or ability to make it fly, assuming there would be a return on investment in the end. If there is never going to be a creative effort, or a return on investment she might be weary of this circle jerk of listening and it going nowhere. In either case, you have feelings and a right to simply go to friends about your excitement instead of going to her and getting a less than supportive response from her
NAH. My boyfriend constantly shares his ideas for a podcast with me. Always says, I’m going to do this podcast it’s going to be amazing. He’ll even make design a cover, he’s written scripts, secured domain names. But he never actually starts it. We have mics and other equipment he’s never even used that’s been collecting dust for years in a cupboard. It’s hard to continually show excitement for these ideas he has when they are just that, ideas.
I still listen to the ideas he shares. But I’m not going to act excited when he comes to me saying “I’m going to make this podcast. If anything, I say “that’s a cool idea.” But I’m not going to keep acting like his ideas are actually going to turn into something.
NAH. I know how it feels to tell someone about an idea or something you’ve done and they’re not interested or shoot you down. It sucks. I do think being in a relationship means you should support each other and listen to each other.
But maybe for her she sees being honest as support? She could be nicer about it and it’s certainly reasonable to ask her to wait and hear you out properly, but you can’t ask her to lie or fake being interested when she’s not.
Also, it’s obviously going to hurt her if you tell her you won’t talk to her about those things anymore and will go to your other friends. You could have decided that on your own without saying it to her face.
Hard to say man. Maybe your ideas suck and she’s trying to save you from embarrassing yourself. Some people don’t sugar coat things and are just up front worth their opinion. This is so vague, it’s really hard to say. A real partner shouldn’t support blindly. If she posted something like “my bf thinks he’s going to become a famous filmmaker but all he does it come up with various of a movie about a talking cat who goes to space to save earth from an army of alien dogs. I try to tell him this idea just doesn’t work but all he does is whine and say he’ll stop talking to me. AITAH?” Everyone would tell her to leave you. So take the advice you get here with a grain of salt.
There are two possibilities here:
There’s a lot of land between “unconditional support” and “I’m gonna be blunt with you”. If your gf wanted to choose something in between, she would have plenty of options.
It’s totally understandable for you to feel hurt with her responses, but becoming emotionally closed off to her won’t do anything good for the relationship. It’s also fair enough to ask for something other than her blunt criticism. She may not be in a position to provide it though, in which case you may not be compatible.
The other question is, what is the quality of her critique? Does she say stuff that might actually be helpful in improving your ideas or is it just negative? It can be very tough to hear criticism of the things close to our heart, but if it helps to develop your ideas then it might be worth you trying to get past the bluntness.
NAH
She might be a contrarian
NTA,
You are dating a buzz kill.
Was she like this always or is it new ? If she always was like this then I’d say you knew what you where getting into.
If she wasn’t like this and it’s changed then you should have a chat with her, find out why it’s different.
Either way it would be good to talk to her about why she feels the need to reject like that.
NTA. She’s being rude and negative, she sounds like she’s tanking your self esteem, and like she wants to control you (the hair).
Idk why the rest of the comments didn’t grasp that. She sounds toxic. Please talk to your friends, at the very least you don’t have to share stuff with you SO just because they’re your SO. My husband is into some niche games, and he talks about that mostly with his friends because I simply don’t share that interest, and that’s fine! I’m happy when he’s happy. Your SO doesn’t seem to like your happiness, and that’s a sad thing.
You’re NTA. She sounds like a real buzzkill and that can be exhausting to be around.
NTA. Does she have a personality as dry as a desert or is she being “blunt” to excuse her lack of patience and rudeness? Either way you deserve someone more supportive and enthusiastic about you and your ideas.
NTA
Seems like you’re on different wavelengths. Maybe she’s more practical so she’s over focused on making things happen. But from your responses it seems more like she just doesn’t get excited the same. Hard to say why. I’m similar though, and I’ve deal with this issue. I hope going to your friends works out. For me, I eventually get frustrated and resentful when I feel like I have to hold in all my ideas cuz my partner will be shitty about them. So eventually it doesn’t work out. But maybe try talking to her about it outside of the moment. Be super clear about the issue. Cutting you off and bluntly explaining problems with a baby idea makes you feel unhappy and stops your enthusiasm in your tracks or however you feel. That there’s a large gap between unconditional support (ie ‘this is a great idea’) and shooting down something before they even know what it is. That because of those negative feelings you get from her response you’ll be seeking others in excitement. Maybe she’ll receive that better, and be able to make some changes.
NTA.
After reading the post and your edit – She is not the person to go to with new ideas (or new hairstyles?!) with and she sounds incredibly negative and draining. Does she get excited about things for herself or others or is she like this with everything? I used to have a friend like that – I would always feel so low in energy after being around her.
Regardless of the answer it’s okay to reflect on how anyone in your life makes you feel and whether that is sustainable for you.
I have a friendship where me and the other person often have new ideas for something or other. We both show excitement for the other’s ideas even when we know we ain’t gonna do it lol. What’s a few minutes to listen to someone unless it’s something that will directly impact on us? (like financially, or cost us OUR time…) I hope you have people in your life who can share in your excitement and joy OP 🙂
“Enjoy it while it lasts” about your hair threw up the huge red flag. Does that mean she’s going to make you cut?
It sounds like she’s trying to keep you right where you are in life. What does she have going for her?