Ever since I went to college and escaped that hell and toxicity I felt like I just started living and experiencing what a healthy day feels like.
This last year I think both my parents realized they’re getting old and have no one (they’re divorced) so they started cleaning up their act and started being nice and getting a home (my brother and I have lived in literal trash or people’s couches our whole life). I guess it’s because my brother went away for his first year of college too.
This has been so weird to live because I can not recognize them and no matter how much effort they are putting in I can’t seem to feel anything towards them but awkwardness and an intense desire to get away.
They have both been begging me to come visit them but I keep coming up with excuses to not go even though I think I will have to eventually because I still want to see my brother. But just talking with them on the phone ruins my whole mood. I am dreading it and even more, I hate that they are just now doing all the things and spending money on the house when we are both gone when they had 18 years to do it. My brother is still deeply angry and traumatized so he flat out rejected all their attempts. Am I weird for not being able to feel anything when they re trying to be parents now?
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Ever since I went to college and escaped that hell and toxicity I felt like I just started living and experiencing what a healthy day feels like.
This last year I think both my parents realized they’re getting old and have no one (they’re divorced) so they started cleaning up their act and started being nice and getting a home (my brother and I have lived in literal trash or people’s couches our whole life). I guess it’s because my brother went away for his first year of college too.
This has been so weird to live because I can not recognize them and no matter how much effort they are putting in I can’t seem to feel anything towards them but awkwardness and an intense desire to get away.
They have both been begging me to come visit them but I keep coming up with excuses to not go even though I think I will have to eventually because I still want to see my brother. But just talking with them on the phone ruins my whole mood. I am dreading it and even more, I hate that they are just now doing all the things and spending money on the house when we are both gone when they had 18 years to do it. My brother is still deeply angry and traumatized so he flat out rejected all their attempts. Am I weird for not being able to feel anything when they re trying to be parents now?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) lying to not go visit when I should have.
2) because they are trying their best to make up for what they did and are very lonely and feel bad for what they did. Plus my brother says he misses me and needs me there.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Soft YTA. Give them a chance. If it goes wrong, don’t do it again
NTA. And my sympathy. It’s infuriating when they have done you so much harm and decide to get “better” too late.
My dad has been verbally abusive at times all my life, but from about age 12-20 it was constant. Drove me out of the house for college a year early because I just could not take it. The same year I turned 40, my mom finally got through to my dad that his habit of turning his temper on his family was going to make her leave him, and he’s been working on it. Part of me is relieved he’s finally doing it, but mostly I’m so angry. His abuse (and other pressures) drove me to a suicide attempt at 15, and heading off to a mediocre college at 16 instead of a much better one a year later, and set me up for other abusive relationships, and NOW he finally wants to fix it? When it has already done me so much harm, and caused damage that I’ve spent decades trying to heal?
NTA. Sounds like the exact kind of response I would expect from someone whose parents provided such a terrible upbringing. Keep enjoying your new life.
Healing isn’t instant just because they changed the setting
NTA. You can feel bad for them, and still decide not to go, and that does not make you an asshole. Or you can decide to go, and that would be alright too. You are not obliged to want to meet them or to feel anything particular about their efforts, and being an adult you can accept or not accept an invite as you choose. White lies to an invitation are not a big sin, but you could also just say “no, thanks” and leave it at that. You don’t owe an explanation.
NTA – they laid the groundwork your this disconnected and emotionless feeling towards them, yet are somehow surprised all their children feel it. I would say if they are trying, you should go at least once, just to give them a chance and perhaps salvage something, anything of a family relationship before they die? If it works, great! If it does not, you never have to do it again, and won’t have to feel guilty about it
NTA…too little, too late. Take whatever time you need. Put your energy and effort toward building the kind of life you want.
If you do decide to visit, team up with your brother so that you each have a supportive wingman.
NTA. Some people don’t deserve forgiveness.
NTA but I suggest for yourself you allow forgiveness
What a shame it would be later in life if you have some regret and then they had that power over you still when you didn’t realize it. If you’re thinking it now, it’s only going to increase as you get older.
I’m just speaking from personal experience
My parents were shite and while my mother has always been in my life my father wasn’t for the past 20 years. I’m 34 now and recently reconnected with him because I constantly had these same sort of thoughts and it was driving me crazy the power he still held. I met up with him and it was good. He doesn’t need to be a huge part of my life, I may see him once a year if that. But it’s on my terms now and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted.
I know it’s not the popular opinion but I’m trying to be real.
Tell them your glad they are turning their lives around but at this time you are not over the hell you lived in. Wish them well and to please stop asking. You have too many bad memories of your childhood and you don’t want to relive them. Seriously if that doesn’t work cut them off completely. They are going to destroy your mental health, your life. You can have a separate relationship with your brother.