My husband (M34) and I (F29) have been together for 8 years and married for 2. I am two months postpartum and had a pretty traumatic delivery. I’m definitely not physically ready for any internal penetration with intimacy at this stage. My husband is completely understanding but he does mention the sexual frustration. So far we have used hands to be intimate, although not very often given we do have a newborn and are both juggling work too.
He had a trip planned with friends which I was more than happy for him to go on. Before he left, he said if any parcels arrived while he was gone, not to open them. I asked why and his response seemed a bit aggressive: “Because I said so. Is that okay?” I dropped it because I thought he had gotten me a surprise gift which wouldn’t necessarily be unusual.
While he was away, I checked his emails trying to find what time our groceries would be delivered. The email wasn’t in the inbox so I went into junk mail. There I accidentally saw an order confirmation from an adult store but didn’t open it. I thought perhaps he had gotten something for me since we were just starting to be intimate again, and he wanted it to be a surprise hence asked me not to open any parcels.
Fast forward a week or so, he hadn’t gifted me anything. I go into his junk mail again and there is a delivery confirmation. I wait a bit longer, still nothing. A few days later I open the order confirmation and it turns out they are adult toys for males.
Then I asked him why he appeared aggressive when asking me not to open any parcels while he was away. He denied being aggressive. I asked what it was he was expecting in the mail. He said, “Something specific, but it doesn’t matter anyway because I didn’t end up buying it.” Which was a lie because I saw the delivery confirmation email. Later that day, I asked how he was coping without us doing anything internal with intimacy. He said, “Why are you asking?” I responded saying I know it’s been a while for him, and that I’m starting to feel emotionally and hormonally ready for more but I just can’t physically. He said, “I’ve stopped thinking about it” somewhat shortly and I dropped it.
Clearly he doesn’t want to tell me about these toys. It’s been on my mind… why won’t he tell me? Do I not offer a safe enough space? Does he just feel it’s taboo for males? I’m caught between wanting to respect his privacy but also feeling disrespected that he lied to me. I don’t want to confront him given he clearly doesn’t want to share. But how can I let it go and move past it?
TLDR: my husband bought sex toys presumably for himself and hid them from me/lied about it. I don’t want to force him to share by confronting him. But how can I let go of the fact that he lied to me?
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Honestly why are you pressing so hard? He is taking care of his own needs in a perfectly safe, reasonable, and respectful way while you heal up and adjust to all these hormonal changes.
Men ARE judged more heavily for purchasing sex toys, and he probably didn’t want to upset you or embarrass himself by saying anything.
I think you need to apologize for snooping and pressing him so hard about this.
Why do you feel like he should or must tell you all the details of his masturbation habits? Even married people are entitled to privacy.
This isn’t deep or complex. He’s embarrassed.
He’s trying not to pressure you by taking care of himself and given the stigma around using toys as a cis het man, he’s being private about it.
Stop snooping his email and give the guy a break here.
Is he privy to every sex toy you’ve purchased for yourself? You say you want to respect his privacy but you went well out of your way to do just the opposite. Let it go and move past it by giving him the same space and grace you would want and expect in similar circumstances, albeit they’d never be the same lol.
You don’t let it go. You bring it out into the open. It doesn’t sound as if you are judging him but that he’s afraid you will. You can’t bury stuff like this because then what next? Communication is everything. This is why they say marriage is hard. We have to have uncomfortable conversations and work together instead of separately. So. I love you and want to discuss something. I do know that you ordered x and I’m okay with that. I am concerned that you don’t feel safe sharing it with me. Go from there.
If you wanted to respect his privacy you wouldn’t be snooping through his emails. Based on your actions I would
agree that you don’t provide a safe space for your husband.
Reevaluate why your husband had to ask and defend his request that you don’t open his packages. Reevaluate why you immediately starting going through his email.
Oh for Pete’s sake, just tell him you know and express your concerns about the lying.
Big question is, why has it been a while? Not good in a marriage.
Let it go?
Honestly, it just feels like some guys can’t win.
He’s taking care of his needs privately and without pressuring you, and now that’s an issue?
Give him a break, continue working on yourself so that you’re the one to initiate when you feel ready. It’s not like he’s going to say no is he?
He lied because he thinks you will overreact or judge him. You’re also post partum and probably have unpredictable emotions.
He’s clearly embarrassed and feeling shame about this, that’s why he’s being so defensive. Hes sexually frustrated and doing things to satisfy himself and not make it your issue, especially at 2 months postpartum. He probably is feeling guilt too about even needing a sex toy. It’s generally taboo for guys to use sex toys.
You let it go by respecting his autonomy as a person.
I think the question here really is…why are YOU having difficulty with this?
I wonder why he doesn’t feel comfortable discussing taboo or intimate topics with someone who repeatedly violates his privacy, presses him for info and has a general lack of care for his boundaries. Sure he probably shouldn’t have lied, but it’s just likely that something you’ve said or done would give him the impression that it’d be a bad idea to discuss this with you.
Awh lol I think he’s worried how you would react. A lot of women would take it personally, the whole “am I not enough” thing. I used to be embarassed about having toys, but I have 4× the sex drive that my partner does and he is really supportive of me doing what I need to do to feel content. 💜 Maybe tell your partner that there’s no need to be embarassed, you get that he has needs but sneaking around about it is kind of weirding you out. 😅
you guys are feigning ignorance and pretending the issue is the actual item purchased when clearly the issue is the aggression, lack of communication, and lying. OP has never once at hinted at being bother by the actual toy.
I am a married man and cannot see a world in which i am making secretive purchases like this to be no big deal and something my wife should just mind her own business about. He may be embarrassed, but that is zero excuse to act this way, especially post partum when the mother is already going through a lot physically and emotionally.
i actually would confront him but in a way that doesn’t embarrass him, since he can’t seem to handle that. i would just say “hey i know you bought this, and i dont care at all about that. i care about how you treated me when i asked about it and about the lying and secrecy.”
Dont let these guys commenting make you think this is cool and normal.
Didn’t you also lie to him when you were questioning him (acting like you didn’t know) after going through his email?
He didn’t lie. He said don’t open it. You SNOOPED and deduced what it was. He already expressed he was sexually frustrated so…
NEXT Question..
Yikes he needs to run. Control much?
Even just based on what you have admitted to in your post, no, you are not a safe enough space.
He wants to use a toy because he is tired of using his hand. It is ok. Maybe he was embarrassed or afraid you would be mad. Plunging his pecker into a tight toy shaped as an ass or tight vagina will feel good and feel good to cum.
So weird someone can make masterbation a problem. And spin it like he’s lying or being untruthful.
You completely dug into his emails without permission. Which would mean he is trust worthy enough and respects you enough to let you have access to it.
Little story. I once hinted to my partner that I was very much hot for her. She said she wasn’t in the mood. So I went and handled it. She actually got upset. I asked why? She said it’s because it feels like you don’t want me. I said you offered no alternative. You could of gave me a hj, bj, or watched me handled my business in front of you and been a part of it. We never had that issue again.
If your not there to help your man then leave him alone. He doesn’t owe you an explanation or a conversation for beating off.
> Do I not offer a safe enough space?
Sister, you do not. There’s a difference between expecting to tell each other everything because “you don’t keep secrets” and fostering honesty
Having a newborn and recovering from a traumatic birth are probably the primary focus in your household right now, and his needs are on the back burner. A lot of men feel forgotten at this stage and grow resentful as they struggle to 1) care for their fragile wives + baby and 2) find balance in caring for themselves
If anything, ask him what you can do so he doesn’t feel like he has to hide his needs from you, even during the postpartum period while caring for a newborn. Everyone’s needs matter – shame and lying only breed instability in the home
Good luck