(31M) here, living abroad. My girlfriend (28F) is from my home country (a third-world country where incomes are much lower). She came to visit me for what was supposed to be a 14-day trip. I paid for all her expenses during that time.
At the end of her trip, she decided not to return home. She’s now been living with me for 8 months without a job, fully financially dependent on me.
For the first 3 months, I didn’t say anything. Then she told me she wanted to apply for school here. I explained that I couldn’t keep supporting her 100%. She cried, said it was my fault she stayed, and told me if I “truly loved her” I’d support her no matter what.
Worth noting: her family is wealthy and could easily help her without financial strain.
I said I could help a little, but not pay for everything. She became distant and even deleted my pictures from her phone. Any time I brought up money, she would cry until I gave in. Eventually, I agreed to support her for another 3 months.
Her attitude improved… but now we’re at month 8 and nothing’s changed. I’ve told her repeatedly I can’t keep doing this, but every time she gets upset, I give in because I don’t want to see her cry.
She recently asked about our future. Honestly, I don’t even know what my future looks like anymore. My dream is to save enough to start my own business, but my current 9-to-5 salary is being drained to cover both of us.
I’m feeling trapped between wanting to help her and needing to protect my own financial stability. I’m starting to resent the situation, but I still love her and don’t want to destroy the relationship.
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
she’s a hobosexual
You’re simply being used.
Once you go broke from this and lose your value, she’ll take off for greener pastures.
This is a relationship? Alright then.
What do you expect us to say? She’s leeching off you. Extorting you. Having a relationship with such a human being has no future. Fly her back to her family.
You don’t have a girlfriend, you have a squatter. Are you sure about her birth control?
Oh, this is a tough situation, my friend. I support you and I know it’s hard when you love someone. but I think you need to go through this together. Try to help her either with applying to school or making a resume for a job she agrees to do. also it’s important to explain that financial responsibility is important, and she needs a job too….. classic question: if I die, what will you do? She needs to learn to live independently without relying on others. I wish you the best in solving this, my friend.
She’s clearly got some sort of entitlement issue – she might truly believe that if you love her them you’d happily support her.
This is something you see with people who grew up with money – especially if the primary way they received affection was through gifts/financial stuff.
Either way she isn’t listening to you – isn’t aware of your struggles and clearly can’t be there for you. At best she’s got her own stuff, at worst shes just cruel and a leech like everyone above keeps saying. Either way you’ve given her multiple chances – she has no problems manipulating you to get want she wants.
You need to end it mate – this is not a relationship you want to stay in. Even if she was to change enough to deserve being in a relationship with you , that’s never going to happen if she can’t see your needs. And she’s never going to learn how to do that till you break up with her – othereise she already would have by now.
Put your future first mate – because with or without her, you aren’t going to have one if you stay with her right now
Tell her she needs to start looking for work if she cries again she is clearly using you. She’s a freeloader and these type of people will never work and leech off you to fully support them. Why is her family not supporting her if they are wealthy? You’ll continue to feel trapped as long as you don’t stand up for yourself and demand she works or goes back home.
You are being scammed. If her family is truly wealthy, they can afford to get her a flight home. Why would you want to preserve this relationship when she’s clearly using you??
Can she legally still be in your country?
At your ages, you’re too old for this nonsense
She’s using and manipulating you. Open your eyes. Take the blinders off. This is emotional and financial abuse. This isn’t love or even basic respect.
Be careful in how you do things though. If she senses you wanting to cut things off, she may try to get pregnant and baby trap you. This is probably why she’s asking about the future. Be careful dude.
School? She’s 30. Shouldn’t she be done with school by now? She needs to leave and get a job.
You’re being used. She’s financially abusing you and emotionally abusing you with her manipulative crying and statements.
You ask how to set boundaries—you tell her what her portion of rent/costs are if you want her to stay or you ask her to leave.
Why would you not want to end the relationship?
You’re too old for this mess. She bout to get pregnant lol
She’s a parasite.
Either you send her home and destroy the relationship
Or support her. Those are your choices.
This might be hard to hear, but I’m worried this girl might be using you. Her plans to study abroad, combined with what seems like a lopsided relationship, raise some red flags for me. I’ve seen situations like this before where one person seems to be setting themselves up for an easy exit once they’re no longer dependent on the other.
My advice is to be cautious. Don’t give her the commitment and resources of a husband when you are still just a boyfriend.