This is a throwaway account as I dont need this connected to my real account. I’m 33f and my husband is 35m and he has a daughter who’s 10 and she has a sister who’s not my husband’s kid who’s 3. Their mother is an alcoholic, last year we put her in rehab and it helped she came out got a job and started making a good life for her kids. 3 months ago his daughter called in the middle of night saying her mom wasnt home they hadn’t eaten and that they needed help. We went over there and a few minutes later her mom came back drunk and probably on other stuff as well. He put her back in rehab and we’ve kept both kids. She just got out and has been talking about how she wants my husband to adopt her daughter as she feels shes going to relapse again and she wants him to just take the kids after the adoption is finalized, my husband just agreed and didnt talk to me about it.
When he finally talked to me he said that it will be better for both of them if this happens and the little girl already lives with us. I told him that he’s not taking care of the three year old and that I am and that even though I work from home someday I have to go into the office and its very random and I cant just drop her off at with anybody because I don’t know their schedule. I also told him that we are having our baby and I can’t handle a baby and a toddler and a 10 year old, I told him that’s too much to handle. He said I could just quit my job and stay home until they all turn 5 or 6 and then go back to work, I told him if he wants to adopt her he can do that and I can go in full time and make more than he’s making and take care of everyone. He got mad and said he’s going to adopt her whether I like it or not. I had talked to some people and they said its best for the little girl since she doesn’t have family on her mom’s side and we don’t know her dad and that I need to suck it up or leave. So aitah?
Comments
NTA. Whilst it’s best for the little girl to have stability, and it isn’t her fault at all that she’s in this situation, adopting a child is a two yes, one no situation. He’s expecting you to make sacrifices for a decision you’ve had no say in at all.
Though I do wonder if the adoption would be approved, as wouldn’t they need to ensure both parents agree (including you) for the adoption to be finalised? That’s how it is here, it may be different where you are.
This should’ve been a discussion and you’re definitely NTA for being upset after he blindsided you.
NTA. He thinks your wants and desires don’t matter. You will be the one with all the responsibilities that you didn’t ask for
She’s part of his daughter’s family and he claims her as family too. You would be the AH if you try to stop him adopting her.
But, he’s the AH if he tries to insist you have to be the one to pause your career. You shouldnt tell him to give up a member of his family but he shouldn’t tell you to give up your job. Daycare, a nanny or him quitting his work….
Its ok to not want an extra kid. But your husband is doing the right ring here.
Either suck it up. Or leave.
Nta. Your husband is. It may be the right decision for the kids but he made it without and then gave you an ultimatum. That a hard pass from me.
I think it wouldn’t take long before you became extremely resentful of the kids and it will show, no matter what you try. I’m really sorry you’re in this position. Personally, I’d be done
Y’all should be talking to a professional therapist & a family law attorney. This is a life changing decision for everyone involved.
NAH – It’s a very challenging situation. You need to be working together not against each other.
It breaks my heart that a 3 y.o. whole life is at stake while people are arguing about other things.
You want to work and not have to quit your job – NTA
But, you mentioned you are pregnant. What was the plan for taking care of that child? This determines who is TA.
You suggest your husband is able to take care of young children.
_ if he is able, then he’s TA for insisting the whole child work go to you
_ if he is not able, there are many A’s in this story.
People who chose to have kids before they are prepared and committed to taking care of kids are TA.
I’m not talking about the 3 y.o. mother. You don’t know what the plan and intention were at the time she had that child.
Nta tell he needs to pay for daycare or stay at home dad
NTA. You should consider leaving. It sounds like your husband got married for free childcare. He needs to step up as a dad and not dump all responsibilities on you.
NTA go to full time. He can be the stay at home dad
NTA. You had a reasonable plan. He stays home with the kids and you go back to work and make more than he does. Basic math. He refused.
I’d be done.
You’re right in what you said, he’s not looking after her you are.
Also that if he wants her he should stay home and care for her.
You’re going to have to adopt her or leave.
You can’t adopt her and not want her.
She will feel it.
Adopting a child vs it going into foster care might come with payments from the state and tuition perks etc. you might get enough money to put her in daycare
I would talk with an attorney. You don’t unilaterally decide that you and your spouse are going to adopt someone. For fuck sake, you wouldn’t adopt a cat or a dog without asking the other person let alone a child. That is bananas. I think you should talk to a family attorney about what your options are. It sounds like he 100% doesn’t respect you, puts his feelings before yours, and will dump all the extra work on you. I am furious on your behalf.
To be clear, I don’t think you should leave him just because he wants to adopt the child. I think you should leave him because he hasn’t even had a conversation with you. Hasn’t even considered your thoughts. He plans to dump all the childcare onto you, and because when you suggest that you work and he takes care of the children he pushed back.
Leave him if he wants the kids than he can take of them without you
Well, I’ll probably get flack for this, but as a step father, I love my step children as if they were my own… If their mother and I divorced, that doesn’t change the relationship I have with them, so yes, his step from his ex wife is his kid in his heart… He’s a good man, and you should appreciate that about him, he’s not going to abandon his step kid any more than he’d abandon his biological kid.
I mean, you gotta take her, but he should have asked and been willing to work out a plan you felt good about for her care (I recommend a great daycare).
NTA….your husband should not have agreed to something life changing like this without talking to you first.
However, that being said, just curious if you are pregnant what are your child care plans once the baby is born? Did you discuss that with him prior to this situation coming up? I’m just wondering where he got the part about you quitting and staying home….was that the plan with your newborn? How were you planning to handle childcare between the two of you. That he got mad at your suggesting of him quitting and you going to work, this is what made me wondering about the discussions of what was going to happen when the baby comes.
And if he adopts the 3 year old, is this a deal breaker that you would want a divorce? Does he have 100% custody of the 10 year old or was it shared custody? Was the 10 year old living with the two of you all this time?
Maybe you should insist that the little girl go to daycare that he pays for. If that withing your realm of being able to do?
The other thing is, how easy is it going to be for him to adopt….both bio parents have to give up their rights in a court proceeding, it’s not just because they want to give away a kid they can.
NTA. If this is going to work, the toddler needs to go to daycare full time and you might need to hire help a few hours/day for cooking and cleaning if neither of you is willing to be SAH.
As long as you are married, he probably won’t be able to adopt unless you also talk to the social worker. Make it clear to everyone that you are against adopting the 3 year old and you are not giving up your job.
He won’t be able to handle all the kids.
Either way I think you should leave him because he doesn’t respect you.
NTA
I think you should move out so he figures out childcare on his own.
Nta
NTA, in theory it would be best for the child to grow up in a stable two parent household. But the more critical issue is your partner making major decisions without considering you. You should have been able to work on a plan together, but instead he shoved it down your throat. And it’s worse because you would bear the brunt of the labor and sacrifice. And the fact that between the 2 of you, you’d be able to make more money for the household if you became a 1 income household, means that your partner is not looking at all at what’s best for the household.
He only wants to enforce his will.
You go along with this, it will be how he runs the household in the future. All major decisions will be his alone. And the only thing that would matter would be what is convenient for him and/or what supports his ego.
Look, if you had posted just about the baby, I would suggest that you take her if you have the heart and capacity to do so. She needs someone. But under these circumstances, you need to hold your ground. This cannot be the precedent to how you make decisions in your household. You work on a mutually agreeable solution for the child or none at all.
You’re not but… what would you hope for your child if something happened to you? Sometimes life isn’t fair. I think you will feel really guilty down the road when you think about that little one.
NTA , you are both in a very stressful situation . Take a couple of days, then have a long talk , theirs away to work this out .
NTA – ish. Your husband should have included you in the decision. It is better to keep the siblings together. You’re very kind for caring for the youngest. Go back to work FT and Hire a nanny.
This should be agreed upon by BOTH of you. I could not handle it myself. And believe me, YOU will be doing it by yourself.
Though I completely agree that you can’t be forced to change up your life and take on the role of primary caregiver if you don’t choose it… I have to ask. The two sisters have both been in your care for a while right? So they were already in the picture when you got married? I understand one isn’t your husband’s biological daughter.. but she’s his daughter little sister who has no one to adequately care for her.
What are you planning to do when your baby comes? Who will be taking care of the 10yo and the baby? What was the expectation of taking care of 10yo? How’s your relationship with her? If you love this man and his daughter… I personally would feel it’s a big enough deal to be worth it to take care of the sisters together and take off work for a few years if you were already planning to do so for your baby.
BUT , there would need to be huge changes in your marriage and shared parenting/household responsibilities for that to happen. Your husband simply expecting you to suck it up without adjusting himself to make things easy on you is the ridiculous part. He can either figure things out to help you or he can do it all himself. Your relationship is not a one way street.
Good luck to you and the babies 🥺
Updateme
Hhh
NTA
He is welcome to adopt the child, but then HE needs to step up and actually be a parent to her.
You may need to walk away if he doesnt realize that he cannot make this decision unilaterally for your family
This is especially important because you’re pregnant your capacity, both emotionally and physically, is about to be stretched even further.
UpDateMe
He doesn’t respect you at all. You are not obligated to give up your job to take care of his kids cause he thinks he has some kind of authority. I’d ask for a separation and go enjoy the rest of the pregnancy and only take care of your kid. Doesn’t mean you don’t love his kids, but he is putting everything on you. See how he handles it by himself. I will never love a man that much 🤷🏾♀️
NAH. Husband feels an obligation and has laid it out. Wife has discussed practicalities and doesn’t accept the obligation. Irreconcilable difference. Single husband parent will have to figure his new life out. Single wife parent will have to figure her new life out. Ugh all around.
I hamster is a two yes, one no situation… A fucking a child…. Just get a divorce. There’s no coming back from him basically trying to enslave you.
NTA. I would be considering divorce if I were you. And file for child support immediately.
Ex-wife is his priority. What she wants. He adopts her problem. But the child has a father- deadbeat maybe but he has rights. EVERYONE has rights but you.
What happens if ex finally gets sober does she get visitation and you are stuck?
NTA- let’s talk about his ultimatum. Yeah no.
I feel for the three-year-old. However, something this big is not a unilateral decision, especially if the person making it is not going to be shouldering the burden. The disrespect from him is incredible. I don’t think you can come back from it. He pretty much told you he sees you as a baby maker, a baby carrier, and a house servant- not a partner. His ego is so huge that he is willing to financially wreck his family versus listening to reason. You can’t fix stupid.
Get your ducks in a row.
Get your child on the daycare list. Lawyer up. Interview three. You are in the power seat. You can make more than he does. He technically has three kids, and you have one. You are not responsible for those two children or their daycare costs. That that’s 100% on him. However, he does need to pay for some of yours.
He needs to find daycare for the three-year-old. Remind him you will not be giving him babysitting time- You have to work. Go get office space at the library to work. Walk out the door to your job. He made the decision- he now needs to figure it out. He can take PTO and vacation time till he figures out daycare.
Get copies of every single account bill and everything you own plus tax returns and retirement accounts. Turn those over to the lawyer. Lockdown your credit and babies credit. Take both your birth certificates, Social Security cards, and passports when you leave. Leave and file for child support. Serve him at work. You will be fine. You make more than he does working full-time. Wait a bit ongoing full-time. Support is calculated based on past earnings and you’ve been working part time. He’s not getting 50-50 with an infant, especially with no childcare. Later on he may get 50-50 but hey, you can use your time off for yourself and personal growth.
He deserves everything he gets. It’s going to be FAFO time.
NTA. It definitely would be in the best interest of both girls for you and your husband to adopt the toddler. However, adopting the toddler is NOT your responsibility. Adopting a child is a two “Yes”, one “No” scenario. Your husband did not even both to give you a choice in the matter and, when you offered a compromise, he shut you down. Your husband can do whatever he wants with the adoption, but you don’t have to stick around for it.
NTA
Just a suggestion in case you have started caring for the little girl. The only way you will agree to adopt the child is if the mom agrees to pay for a nanny for the younger kids.
Or in some way monetarily provide for the child so that can be used for childcare.
No doubt it is good for the child to continue with the stability that you have provided so far. But it is a drain on you. Do not accept this unless YOU want the child too.
But I find it suspicious that he wants to take in this other child. Ask for a paternity test with your husband. I’m wondering if she’s his too
Nah. She’s a baby who needs care. Care takes time, money, energy, and a lot of commitment. You already have one with another on the way. I will say that growing up with my half brother turned out to be a gift – so maybe consider how your kid would react to getting to live with both her half siblings
NTA. Even if he was doing all of the work it’s your decision too. He is pissed because he can’t get you to go along with a scheme that makes him look good while you do the work. Can’t fault him for taking care of his daughter but his willingness to give up your career without your input is controlling and manipulative behavior. His words “it’s better for both of them”. You are not in his priorities
Look you’re NTA and you also WNBTA if you left. I’m sorry that your husband made this choice without consulting you but it looks like he’s going through with it. Now you need to decide, can you take this on? Not just the toddler but a lifetime of him making decisions for the family without talking to you first.
What the actual fuck? How dare he make that choice without you. Fuck him.
He gave u the option 2 leave, do that. He wants u 2 change ur ENTIRE LIFE 4 some kid that not ur OR his? What in the entire…😒🙄. And he’s gonna adopt this child if u like it or not, huh? Who IS this guy??? He’s not even doing the day 2 day? U need a new husband, that one is broken. NTA
NTA, and your husband is making an awful lot of major decisions and pronouncements without even discussing them with you. I understand he might feel some obligation to his daughter’s half-sister, but to just declare that you will be the primary caregiver is ridiculous. Normally, I’d suggest therapy, but I’m not sure in this case it would be worth adding anything else to your already full plate.
NTA but your husband is. He should have talked to you before agreeing to adopt his ex’s kid. You all have no obligation to this child. It seems like you’ve already been doing more than most co-parents would in this situation. He sent his ex to rehab TWICE. That’s expensive! Then after her 2nd stint she just wants to abandon both of her children & throw all of the responsibility on you! She talked to your husband about it because it’s clear he will do anything for her!
At this point I would be questioning my marriage. The woman he prioritizes is his ex. Not you! His pregnant wife. He can play hero to everyone but you?! But put the bulk of the responsibility on you?! He’s a joke. I’m glad you’re pushing back on this.
HE can quit his job! HE can! He signed up to raise another woman’s children without even talking to you about it first! He just assumed that you would be happy as a clam to uproot your life, quit your job, and do this bc he decided to take this alcoholic woman’s kids off her hands.
I’m so sick and tired of women being treated like we are caregivers by default just because we have a vagina. Like it’s perfectly fine that we give up our own lives, independence, and interests to spend 24/7 with needy, dirty children who pester you and watch mindless drivel all day long. Incessantly needing you, tugging on you, calling your name, breaking and ruining everything, all day and night.
If he’s not willing to quit his job and be a stay-at-home dad to raise the kids that he took on himself, then I would divorce his ass immediately and make him raise raise them on his own that way. Stop helping this guy. He treats you like a nanny, maid, and servant and it’s unacceptable.
NTA – your husband is making decisions for you without your consent. It is a huge red. The only way you can say no at this time, is to move out. At the very least, you do need to go full time and let him deal with the child, but if I were you, I would just move you and your baby out.
NTA but your husband is a massive one this is a two yes one no situation.
Never never never make unilateral decisions when you are in a relationship. It’s disrespectful, inconsiderate, and a huge red flag towards how he is willing to treat you. The two of you are a team and should be a united front. No ma’am, full stop.
Yes, it would be better for the kids but is it the right thing to do for the relationship? The way he handled it was ridiculous and wrong. You have respectful conversations and find a compromise. Not do something stupid and then double down with an ultimatum. Think on this seriously OP. This is your life too. Good luck. 🫶
NTA and this isn’t going to be as easy as your husband thinks. The three year old isn’t his and court will try to find the father and he has to relinquish rights. Plus, the father’s family can adopt her too.
I’d talk to an attorney and let the attorney tell your husband how wrong this is.
He said he’s going to adopt her whether you like it or not?? The 3 yr old isn’t even related to your husband and yet he wants to bulldoze you into taking her in and being the main caregiver. He’s really leaving you no option… it’s give in or get out. I’d be gone. NTA because… no way in hell.
NTA, and if your husband wants to continue to be an AH, he’ll be without a wife, with full custody of his daughter, ex girlfriend’s daughter, and coparenting with you.
Is she giving up her rights to the child / children? If not, hard pass.
You are not TA when a situation pops up like this. He definitely should be talking to you about something that is this big of a decision. Adopting her means more than her living with you, if her mom decides to take her back when she feels in control, she can sue for child support. It doesn’t matter if she isn’t biologically your husband’s. The best thing to do would be a temporary guardianship, but that is what is best for the child, not necessarily you. Especially if you are pregnant!
I will probably be downvoted for my reply:
Yes, hubby should have discussed adopting with you first. However, it also could have been a knee jerk reaction agreeing to it to keep his child and her sibling together. His thoughts were not on himself or you but the children and what would be best for them. He doesn’t want his child traumatized more by having her sibling taken away because of the Mothers addiction which is out of their control.
If you don’t think you can handle it leave. It will not be good for you, him, or the children with this resentment you have. He is trying to protect a child, his daughter’s blood sibling.
Yes, you are having a child together, is your child going to be going to daycare while you are working from home? Have you discussed putting 3 year old in daycare while you work? Have you laid out what finances will look like with only 1 working?
It sounds like you resent the sibling. Would it make a difference if the sibling was biological child of your husband? Because from the comment you made if the child was biological you wouldn’t have a choice problem.
This will end in divorce. He’s still attached to his ex
NTA, and he shouldn’t have gotten mad at your suggestion that he stay at home to take care of the kids. It’s noble he wants to help but he needed to talk to you first.
NTA. Your husband doesn’t get to make unilateral decisions like that. To adopt a child without your input?!? That would be a deal-breaker for me.
updateme
Personally, I dont think anyone is an AH. Husband is a dad and cares about his kid (that includes giving AF about his kid’s sibling). Since I doubt the 3 yr old picked up the phone and called yall, it sounds like your husband had joint custody of 10 YO who at the time of the incident was at the house w/ 3yo.
He’s making decisions that he feels is best for his 10yo and her sibling. It’d be way more harmful for the 3yo to be sent to foster care and the 10 yo to be separated from their sibling (the two are obviously close).
While I dont agree with keeping you out of the loop, ultimately, he feels he is making choices as a father period and that regardless of your stance, there were no other options feasible for him.
Which brings us to you.
It sounds like you feel disrespected, unappreciated, and like you aren’t an equal partner in your relationship. That’s a fair sentiment. Any time a partner makes unilateral decisions that impact the other partner without consulting said partner, it’s bound to end with frustration or resentment.
To be frank, your husband has made up his mind. He will be adopting the 3yo. Period. He will now have full custody of the 10 yo and the 3 yo. Period. Whether hes an AH or not doesnt matter because that is what’s happening.
Your choices are: stay and figure out how to work things out or leave.
NTA. Honestly at this point I’d look into separation. He wants nothing to do with actively parenting he wants to stall your career maybe even end it, depending on the field you might not be rehired again or seen as valuable after 6 yrs off the job market
You are NTA because your husband did not talk to you first, but I also can understand your husband’s point of view on this. It is his daughter’s sister, his daughter loves and is bonded to her sister, and it would be traumatizing to the girls to break them up. If mom is willing to go to the drastic measure of having your husband adopt her youngest it means that the youngest would likely end up in foster care and adopted out if the two of you don’t take her in. That means the 10 year old might never even see her again. I would feel the same way that your husband does. So, even though your husband was in the wrong I don’t see how a different decision can be made.
ESH. Of course him, but you as well for initially taking a 3yo in knowing she only had her sister and an unsafe environment. Where the heck else would 3yo go? The mom keeps relapsing and obviously isn’t ready to be better. If you all didn’t find her family to take her in, the first couple times, but kept making her feel safe, of course you’d be TA for separating her from her sister.
NTA. At all. Not in any way.
Look – it’s quite a wonderful thing that Hubs wants to give that little girl a home. That is commendable.
BUT, if he wants to do that then he has to do the work.
My suggestion is for OP to tell him that he is on his own with the kids. Then go back to the office full-time. OP does nothing – no cooking, no cleaning up afterwards, no laundry – NOTHING for the girls.
She gets up and goes into the office before Hubs would normally be up. Now he has to suddenly feed & dress the kids. He has to figure out childcare. He has to drop off, pick up, leave work when they are sick- all the legwork!
He has to do their laundry, cook their meals, watch them after work, bathe them, put them to bed. All while trying to work his job.
And OP doesn’t cook for him, do his laundry, or pick up after him either!
Maybe consider moving into your home office. Can you put a bed in there or is there one already? No marital relations or bedtime talking.
If he wants to be in charge and make unilateral decisions, he needs to see the reality of what that decision looks like!
And no bending over to help!
OP you need to make this unilateral decision to do this! And do it now before the baby comes. Part of this is for you to start putting money aside for you, because I don’t see your marriage surviving his stupidity! And part is the hope that a week of doing full-time child care and working will teach him that he is asking too much of you.
I really don’t see how to bounce back from this to be honest. I think that even if he realizes and apologizes, it would be hard to recover from him thinking he gets to decide what you will do. Personally, I would just walk away now.
Good luck!
What is his plan if you continue to disagree and leave? He will have a 10 year old and a toddler needing daycare.
Before you decide to leave see what he comes up with. I am thinking daycare. He does the drop off and pick ups. He cooks breakfast and dinner.
He needs a rude awakening.
NTA but honestly isnt your marriage over given he cant even focus on his own kid with you?
What are the chances OP’s husband is also secretly the father of the 3-year-old?
It sounds like your husband has decided that the child is his responsibility and it may come down to choosing between her and you. But before you go there the child’s father and his family need to be explored. Your husband cannot adopt the child if a blood relative wants her. This should be carefully pursued before making other arrangements.
Your husband absolutely should have had the conversation with you before agreeing to anything. I do see how he could lose sight of that as it’s a very emotional situation. But he needs to recognize that he overstepped and has to backup to be on the same page as you. Would he agree to keeping the fostering situation you currently have while going to couples/family therapy?
No one has to be a stay at home parent, she can go to daycare (yay social skills!). I would enroll her immediately while you’re figuring out what the future holds. It’s not fair to ask you to consider such a life hanging commitment while you’re overwhelmed from working full time and caring for a 3 year old full time (and pregnant?).
Your stepdaughter and her sister would absolutely be better off together and in a stable home. But they won’t be better off in a home where they are resented.
NTA
I absolutely agree you should take that little girl. The system is horrific.
But he’s gone about this wrong. And he needs to have a plan for childcare and step up to be there 100%. Not just put this on you.
nta but he is. He wants to adopt her and make you do all the work? no.
Husband is a clown.
The little girl sadly would go to foster care if no family can take care of her.
She doesn’t need to live with you two since you two cant even agree on her staying there. As far as the baby goes….well maybe if you aren’t pregnant yet just hold off on that. You two should actually seek counseling before having a kid.
You have some serious issues that i believe can be amended and fixed but you can’t ignore them.
UpdateMe!
NTA: But your husband is I would definitely divorce him, He clearly doesn’t respect you as a wife or human. Those types of decisions need to be made together and not by one person..I get that she’s three but y’all don’t know her medical/mental history. How does he know that her father won’t show up and try to sue y’all or call the cops for kidnapping. I get it addiction is not easy but if you have common sense to tell someone that you are going to relapse then you should have that same energy to stay sober/clean for your children.
I must be so nice to have a husband that can make life changing decision for you without your input. Huge red flag.
He got angry when you suggested he do full time childcare and you work full time, improving your household income?
Yeah, he wants to adopt because it probably is the right thing to do. But he wants you to do the work looking after her.
He’s not making quite such a magnanimous gesture if you are doing the work is it?
I read the title and was prepared to think you dreadful. However I think if he isn’t prepared to look after the kids himself, he should not have offered. Especially as your job is more highly paid.
Emmm I wouldn’t do that. Three kids is way too much. One thing is your step daughter, but the kid who’s not related to any of you is too much. Nta
He’s definitely TA for the ultimatum.
This is a difficult situation, and I understand your position, but I also understand his as well. He is trying to do the best for his daughter and the three year old. You are thinking of your baby and what you can handle. There is no easy answer to this. You all really need to speak to a family therapist about what all this means for you as a couple and as a family. It’s not just about what the adults wants it’s also about the kids.
You and your husband are going to have to compromise or end it. You can not be forced to adopt a child. But also, the 3 year old can not continue like this or abandoned to foster care.