Forgive me if this is the wrong place to ask but I wanted some genuine advice. My boyfriend and I have been dating now for several months and I love him to death but the only “flaw” I have an issue with is he never brushes his teeth and recently it’s been causing really bad breath. He has told me he “takes care of his teeth and last time he saw a dentist they said it was ok” but he also mentioned last time he saw a dentist was when he was probably when he was a kid and, the way he takes care of his teeth is picking the plaque of with his finger nails. Well recently I discovered that he has some major plaque and tartar buildup which he claims “is not too big of a deal”. I understand that seeing a dentist is expensive and anxiety ridden but I think he should really get it checked out. The only issue is I’ve causally brought it up and he is very stubborn and sensitive about things like this and tends to get a bit defensive and has led to a few small fights. But I can tell it really does bother him as like I said he constantly picks at it and he’s also mentioned his breath does slightly bother him. If anyone has any suggestions or opinions that can help.
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Forgive me if this is the wrong place to ask but I wanted some genuine advice. My boyfriend and I have been dating now for several months and I love him to death but the only “flaw” I have an issue with is he never brushes his teeth and recently it’s been causing really bad breath. He has told me he “takes care of his teeth and last time he saw a dentist they said it was ok” but he also mentioned last time he saw a dentist was when he was probably when he was a kid and, the way he takes care of his teeth is picking the plaque of with his finger nails. Well recently I discovered that he has some major plaque and tartar buildup which he claims “is not too big of a deal”. I understand that seeing a dentist is expensive and anxiety ridden but I think he should really get it checked out. The only issue is I’ve causally brought it up and he is very stubborn and sensitive about things like this and tends to get a bit defensive and has led to a few small fights. But I can tell it really does bother him as like I said he constantly picks at it and he’s also mentioned his breath does slightly bother him. If anyone has any suggestions or opinions that can help.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe AITA is for telling my boyfriend he has bad breath and needs to see a dentist. I also believe that is a sensitive topic to some especially to him because it calls out his personal hygiene habits that most take offense too like him that led to multiple small fights between us. And because of that most may think I overstepped and crossed a line.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. This is a grown man who does not care about his own oral hygiene, which also has a major overall impact on total bodily health. The fact that he’s not willing to take care of himself is neither your fault nor your problem, but honestly? The resistance to change would make me leave if you’ve only been together for a few months. What other fixable issues is he willing to ignore? Even if he’s afraid of the dentist, simply brushing, flossing, and using mouthwash would be a huge step in the right direction.
OMG NTA. Are you serious? He can’t take care of BASIC HYGIENE.
This is not a “flaw”, this is disgusting. How can you kiss that guy?!?
Bad hygiene is not only disgusting, it is a severe health risk – especially tooth hygiene. The bacteria in the mouth can have serious consequences. Like you can see here: https://www.carequest.org/about/blog-post/relationship-between-oral-health-and-heart-disease
NTA but you would be TA if you don’t set a strong boundry here: No kissing unless you brushed your teeth! How old is your boyfriend? This sounds very immature btw.
Honestly, you’re not the asshole for telling him. Bad breath isn’t just a smell problem, it’s usually a sign of gum disease, cavities, or other health issues that can get serious if ignored. The fact that he hasn’t seen a dentist since childhood and thinks scraping plaque with fingernails is ‘taking care’ of his teeth is a red flag. You can be kind about it, but if he’s too stubborn to handle basic hygiene feedback, that’s on him. Relationships can’t thrive if you’re scared to bring up stuff that directly affects intimacy.
NTA. Just be gentle and kind. Focus on helping him out, and keep it friendly.
NTA, If he is concerned about price please urge him into looking dentist schools that offer reduced pricing for cleaning and ect to be practice material for the students.
Yeah this would be a deal breaker for me, 100%. If a man cannot keep basic hygiene, he’s gone. NTA
Shower, brush teeth properly, wipe (and wash!) his ass, changes underwear daily. Basic easy things.
My ex would not brush his teeth until after breakfast which meant that if we went out somewhere for breakfast and stayed out for the day, he just didnt brush his teeth at all that day. Then he’d get all pissy when I didnt want to kiss him 🙄
That’s just nasty. Nta
Dated a guy like this years ago.
He’s now missing about half his teeth, needs multiple root canals…. And complains that he can’t keep a girlfriend despite being a great catch. (He’s a nice guy but nice doesn’t cover the dead animal smell that emanates from his mouth).
This could quickly turn into an infection that goes right to his brain. I’m not exaggerating. He is risking serious and deadly medical situation by neglecting his teeth.
NTA. My dad had a broken heart, which might have come from a tooth issue. Just google “oral hygiene and heart problems” and you will see it’s a really thing.
Also, it really makes you juck when thinking about oral sex no? We tell each other when our breath is bad so we can fix it. If it doesn’t get better even though his oral hygiene is good, it might also be a gut issue. So def should get it checked!
Lack of dental care can lead to other medical issues, not to mention romantic ones. If you don’t tell him, who else is going to?
Tell him you want to kiss him more but it’s stopping you.
If that doesn’t make him feel wanted by you and therefore convinced then dump him because he’s immature .
Yes you’re both young and immaturity is normal but let’s just be practical if he won’t clean his damn teeth then you’re not gonna be less disgusted by it as time moves forward.
You’re 21 you need to be able to have healthy sexual interaction with each other.
Also obv there’s huge risks for him not doing it. Dental cleaning out of pocket is $100 in northern California. Can’t imagine any other part of the country being too much more expensive.
We need that once per year minimum.
Everyone needs to be flossing every night too.
But again fuck health I’m worried about y’all’s sexual attraction to each other goddamn.
NTA. He’s the asshole for assaulting you with that breath omg. Why does he not brush his teeth? Literally why? Imagine your future with him if he can’t even perform a basic task that takes 2 minutes and IS MEDICALLY NECESSARY!!! He’s just straight up disgusting. Hell no. You should not want that mouth anywhere near you.
NTA, you’ll be doing him a favor. For one thing, that improves his chances of a) keeping you, and b) getting lucky on any given day. Also proper dental care will improve his overall health.
nta!!!! i dealt with this same issue with my ex. despite good hygiene elsewhere, it made typical activities unbearable and really impacted our relationship. it’s hard when you really love a person but can’t even cuddle because you’ll be smelling stank breath the whole movie.
NTA
Here’s a good post on why it’s not assholic to tell people when their hygiene isn’t cutting it, and how to tell them:
https://captainawkward.com/2015/10/01/759-u-r-not-2-picky-if-u-have-preferences/
Sooo he never brushes his teeth and pick them with his fingernails? He sounds like a really nasty person I’m surprised he even has a girlfriend
That’s nasty- he can get gum disease and give it to you by kissing. Tell him you can’t kiss him anymore until he works on his hygiene and brushes everyday
NTA 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA The only way to approach this is with honesty (which does not need to be “brutal” or unkind). Dental issues can lead to all sorts of health problems, besides mouth pain, smell and appearance so he needs to address it.
I think you have to include that it’s become unpleasant to be around – others will have noticed too – and, personally, kissing or getting intimate with someone with honking breath, build up on their teeth and some grim (transferable btw) bacteria is not happening. If he doesn’t care about your basic comfort…well he doesn’t care. Do with that what you will.
However bad it is, dentists have seen worse. And they will generally be kind and accommodating if you explain that nerves/phobia/mental health are impacting your dental health.
Perhaps start with regularly using mouthwash (mild) and move on to a soft brush and mild toothpaste.
NTA, sometimes a men gotta hear what’s needs to be said. It’s dangerous for him and disgusting to wake up next to bad breathsmell. Maybe try to have a calm, serious conversation with him and get some information why it is important to brush and see a dentist regularly.
NTA. Genuinely this is gross. He should not be kissing you. He should not be going down on you. Teeth issues don’t just stay at the mouth.
Also picking plaque off with his fingernails?? Does he wash before and after? I have to assume not.
Please do some research about how abysmal oral hygiene can impact not only him, but you as well.
> Indeed, studies have found that one person can develop a cavity on their tooth via kissing. This is especially common if their partner suffers from poor oral hygiene. This was found by evaluating kissing couples. https://www.sydneyparkdental.com.au/are-cavities-contagious-do-they-spread/
You’re NTA. 🤢
Tell him you don’t want to be with someone who won’t take care of himself, I don’t want a partner with no teeth by the time they’re 30 due to lack of hygiene (if they had an accident or were neglected as children it’d be different)
NTA
🤦🏾♀️
NTA, I’ve gone though bad depression which led to me neglecting my teeth and I am now paying for it with bad teeth and self esteem issues even though I am now very good at looking at them. Cost of dentists is expensive depending on the area and support you can get for it so I can understand the not being able to afford it but he should be considering how you feel as well with the bad breath and I’m sure appearance of them even starting to brush his teeth is better than doing nothing at all
NTA…He needs to know this is not acceptable hygiene. I’m surprised you can kiss him.
NTA take a toothpick and ask him to scrape the plaque. Then ask him to smell the toothpick. Tell him that the smell is offensive to others and if he doesn’t want to go to the dentist he still need to brush his teeth three times a day and floss daily. Share some youtube videos on how to brush your teeth and how to floss properly
If he can’t take care of this move on
NTA 100%. I used to be the one who had some problems with hygienic (which include having troubling with brushing teeth and having a bad breath). But I just got used to it so now I don’t have any problems. I think he should start caring for his teeth more. I genially don’t think it’s a big deal
Tell him it’s an intimacy barrier. I had a friend whose bf didnt brush and she kept getting infections because of him.
NTA.
NTA but there’s not enough love in the world to make me deal with something like this.
NTA. i’m gonna be more gentle than the other comments i’ve seen because i also struggle with oral hygiene. is he neurodivergent or does he have any mental illnesses? i’m autistic (with possible ADHD?) and sometimes deal with depression, and those things make it hard for me to keep up with things like brushing my teeth. if he just doesn’t do it because he doesn’t want to or doesn’t think he needs to then that’s entirely different. i’m voting NTA for now because that’s the vibe i got from your post, just wanted to mention other possibilities as well.
either way you are absolutely not in the wrong for expressing concern. if there was some external factor causing him to struggle, he’d still need to wake up to the fact that it’s a problem.
damn it’s hard to say. My fiance and i give eachother a little peck and will say “love you but go brush ur teeth” lol
I also understand the anxiety and expense reason for the dentist but- because of my anxiety regarding that, i’m SOO on top of my brushing and flossing so I can avoid the dentist at all costs!! So i’m not sure how to help regarding that 🤷🏼♀️ i’m also hella insecure of my breath stinking lol
Ewww. I have even more of an issue with the picking than the breath. You don’t pick….Anything….. In public
NTA. He isn’t going to change his habits unless he wants to which it doesn’t sound like he does, so it’s up to you to decide here and now if it’s a deal breaker for you. It absolutely would be for me because I’d be too grossed or and disgusted to even think about kissing him or being close enough to smell his breath.
I think you need to realize how actually bad this is. He is risking health issues and long term damage to his teeth and will end up losing teeth. It is very off-putting to be intimate with someone who does not clean their teeth. Most dental practices have reasonable rates even if you don’t have insurance. I had health insurance but it didn’t cover dental and my cleanings were $80. They are also used to people who are a bit dental phobic. But his resistance and defensiveness is an issue. Do you want to continue along with this?
Don’t date gross people, it should be a simple rule. Aren’t you afraid of getting a UTI?
NTA but please don’t be one of those women that marry/procreate with a guy that was absolutely disgusting from the beginning then wonder why they aren’t attracted to their partners anymore.
If he isn’t someone who can make adjustments without it turning into a fight, it doesn’t sound like he’s a good long term partner.
NTA
I’m sorry, but how the frick can you be super sensitive about people mentioning your lack of dental hygiene and still just not do anything about it. Also, why are there so many posts about a persons boyfriend (usually, haven’t seen this about gf’s) not brushing their teeth! How does that happen?!?!
This should be a deal breaker, OP
NTA failure to maintain personal hygiene is an absolute deal breaker. Especially if there’s no underlying conditions like depression going on.
This is just plain old refusal to take care of himself, and it’s going to cause problems sooner or later.