I don’t want to go on an upcoming family trip out of the country for a wedding. I’m a gay male adult and my dad invited me to go to his home country for our cousins wedding (I’ve never met or spoken to her). The country that my dad is from is very homophobic-like illegal to be gay homophobic. And my dad and much of his family are no exception of course. It’s caused a lot of turmoil in my life but thankfully, I am grown and have moved away. My dad bought plane tickets and has sent me the info for obtaining a temporary travel visa, but I’m getting cold feet. I thought I was ready, but I’m not. It’s the only thing on my mind lately and it’s causing me terrible anxiety and depression. I don’t want to spend 10 days in a homophobic country around people who will constantly be asking me about when I am getting married (to a woman). I’ve never traveled with my dad and can barely stomach a weekend visiting him.
Would I be the asshole if I canceled on the trip? I’m not sure how these tickets work or if he got travel insurance so I’m unclear on the refund process (I’m doubtful) but I would be willing to pay him back for the ticket if necessary. I know it was not cheap, but my peace of mind and safety are worth it. Thanks!
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I don’t want to go on an upcoming family trip out of the country for a wedding. I’m a gay male adult and my dad invited me to go to his home country for our cousins wedding (I’ve never met or spoken to her). The country that my dad is from is very homophobic-like illegal to be gay homophobic. And my dad and much of his family are no exception of course. It’s caused a lot of turmoil in my life but thankfully, I am grown and have moved away. My dad bought plane tickets and has sent me the info for obtaining a temporary travel visa, but I’m getting cold feet. I thought I was ready, but I’m not. It’s the only thing on my mind lately and it’s causing me terrible anxiety and depression. I don’t want to spend 10 days in a homophobic country around people who will constantly be asking me about when I am getting married (to a woman). I’ve never traveled with my dad and can barely stomach a weekend visiting him.
Would I be the asshole if I canceled on the trip? I’m not sure how these tickets work or if he got travel insurance so I’m unclear on the refund process (I’m doubtful) but I would be willing to pay him back for the ticket if necessary. I know it was not cheap, but my peace of mind and safety are worth it. Thanks!
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> I would be judged for canceling the trip and it would make me the asshole because my dad already bought tickets
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA. Let him know asap. Understand you’re correct, your peace of mind and safety is worth you being an asshole.
NOOOOOOO NTA. Your dad should understand that you’re concerned about your safety. Even if he doesn’t, you should be concerned about your safety. Spending time, money, and risking yourself for a stranger is probably not a good idea.
Edit: you’re even doing the right thing by paying for your ticket. Stick to your gut and cancel.
NTA! As a lesbian who has been asked if I want to travel out of the country I have to take very seriously where I am going, who will I be with, what are the laws there…It’s NOT worth your safety or peace of mind to say you cannot go. If your father cannot understand that your very life and safety WILL be at risk by going to that country for a wedding of someone you do not know, then…you also have a father problem. He should want to protect you and keep you safe.
Stand your ground – CANCEL. Your life is far too precious to risk it for this…
YWNBTA, obviously this is a valid cause for concern.
But. What country is it? What if you go and discover it isn’t that bad? There’s no way they can clock you as gay unless you have a partner with you, right? I mean I guess I just think it’s a shame to miss out on experiences. If it’s somewhere like Algeria don’t go. If it’s Turkey maybe go.
Totally legit for you to not go if the anxiety is overwhelming. There’s a non-zero chance that you’re unsafe. But depending on the country I kind of hate to miss out on things. I know, I’m not helping.
NTA. Cancel. You don’t need to subject yourself to the stress. And if your father did not ask before he bought your ticket, its not really your problem. Though if you can easily afford to reimburse him (if he can’t get money back) you might decide to.
NTA. OP if it is illegal in your country to be gay absolutely DO NOT GO!!! If your Dad didn’t get travel insurance and you are able to pay him back, do so. Your safety is more important than some wedding.
NTA.
Attending to a wedding of people you don’t even know is lame reasoning to risk your safety.
NTA. Don’t become a statistic. You’re worth so much more than that.
NTA. Don’t go. This is not “it would make me uncomfortable”, it is “it would be dangerous”.
If he cannot get a refund, pay him for the ticket.
Your safety and mental health are worth more than any plane ticket. Ten days in a place where just existing is risky isn’t a “tough it out” situation. Pay him back if you need to, but you’re not wrong for skipping a trip that could wreck you.
If willing to pay him back, then NAH.
NAH. Safety comes first, and if this makes you nervous, you probably shouldn’t go. And if you are willing to pay him back, I don’t see an issue here (but hopefully he bought refundable tickets). Unless he bought the ticket for you without even asking if you were going first…
Absolutely not. Your safety and mental health come first, especially when traveling to a place where being who you are is literally illegal. No wedding is worth putting yourself in danger or forcing yourself into an environment that will make you miserable.
NTA. Definitely don’t go. If your dad bought the plane tickets with your approval, then the correct thing to do would be to pay him back over time if you can.
I’m a little curious, though, why you even agreed in the first place if you can barely stomach your dad. But that isn’t strictly relevant to your question.
if you are not ready etc to go then just say to your dad sorry my visa has been denied or something along those lines.
NTA…You neve have to compromise on your SAFETY, not to mention your comfort. Just say no. He was presumptuous in buying tickets without your permission.
NTA. Your attending this wedding is entirely your decision, not your father’s. You’re clearly not wanting to go and need to let him know ASAP that you will not be accompanying him. You sound like a young adult who is not used to going against your father’s wishes. Please know that as an adult, you can make decisions for yourself and are no longer required to obey the wishes of your father. If you can’t manage to stand up for yourself going forward, you will find yourself in more of these uncomfortable situations in the future. Know that it is okay to stand up for yourself and to decline his offer.
NTA
You’re an adult. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do. Also, do not go anywhere you are just tolerated because you’re family rather than loved, SEEN and appreciated as family.
Fuck that trip. Cancel it!!
Are you sure the wedding isn’t an arranged wedding for you? I don’t know if they do that in that country but I would be nervous. Regardless, it sounds like you would be in danger if you went there. Please don’t go. NTA
NTA, but why would your dad think you would want to go to a country where you are not safe?
Sorry, but your dad sounds very manipulative. Are you sure he actually had bought your tickets, or could he just be trying to make it hard for you to refuse?
Please don’t go. If you’re anxious and depressed now just thinking about it, think how miserable you’d be if you actually went. If he actually has bought the tickets and can’t get a refund, that’s on him. I wouldn’t even offer to pay him back – you didn’t ask for them.
NTA I’d consider texting him, “When the day comes that you, the rest of the family, and x (country) accepts that I’m gay and it’s not a problem, then I’ll visit. Till then, I’m not going. I didn’t ask to go or for the ticket, I hope you can get a refund as I’m not risking my life for a cousin I’ve never met.”
NTA
I definitely wouldn’t go to a place where I was treated like a second class citizen.
DO NOT GO TO A COUNTRY WHERE YOU’RE UNSAFE!
NTA
Fuck all homophobes.
Safety first . Sounds like you wouldn’t enjoy it anyway , you’d be on edge .
NTA. Your choice. Anyone who says otherwise is wrong.
There are now countries where you can be executed for being gay, thanks to the American evangelicals. Do not risk your life and freedom by traveling to a place that can arrest you for being yourself.
NTA as long as you pay him back if he cant get his money back.
NTA and definitely do not go. Not for any reason or any amount of guilt tripping.
NTA. Sounds like this trip would be a nightmare (spending extended time with your dad) even if it were not in an unsafe country, meeting and interacting with a bunch of homophobes.
Did he consult you before buying your plane ticket? If not, you don’t need to pay him back for his incorrect presumption.
I’m so glad so many, if not everyone, are telling you not to go. I’m not sure as to your relationship with your dad but I’m getting extreme conversion “therapy” vibes off of this whole scenario. Please, trust your gut. Do not go.
NTA
Your safety will always come first! Missing a wedding will not be the end of the world no matter how upset anyone is by it. You can always send a gift and kind words if it’s important to you and stay safe.
NTA. End up in the hospital with a possible broken ankle the night before. Lucky you, it’s not broken, but badly sprained. Which can actually be worse. Reimburse the cost of the ticket asap. And be limping whenever in public while they’re gone. Just in case.
My take on this is simple. If you don’t want to go, don’t go. Doesn’t matter why you changed your mind.
Forget never having met the cousin.
Forget the countries stance on gays.
Forget that you don’t see eye to eye with your dad/family on your life.
Not wanting to go, is not wanting to go. No explanations needed.
You are an adult, and as an adult you get to decide where and who you will spend time with.
I would ask, were the tickets bought before you said yes to the trip? It’s up to you, if you feel like you should repay him for the tickets.
Trust your instincts! Cancel the trip. Say whatever you need to. Dad will be be pissed no matter what. Let him. Don’t go. NTA
NTA for not wanting to risk you safety to attend the wedding of a cousin you don’t know. TBH, I wouldn’t attend any wedding if it meant my risking my freedom or my life.
Don’t go, it’s not worth the stress OP. If you offer to pay your dad back and he still gets real upset, that feels like a different issue (one that would rear its head eventually anyway).