My (23M) best friend of 8 years (24M) has always struggled with standing up for himself. It’s manifested itself the past few years as us not being able to have any quality time with each other, because friends who are clingier (or most recently, his boyfriend) will demand that they come along every time we hang out. We were roommates in college and I can count on one hand the number of times that we hung out one on one because someone would include themselves in our plans quite literally every single day and he couldn’t tell them no. Then our hangouts would turn into me having to watch that unwanted friend walk all over him or insult him or being ignored because that other friend would basically only speak to him, so I’d have to find someone else to hang out with for the night. I tell him to stand up for himself but he doesn’t. I have felt for a while as if his inability to assert himself has placed a massive strain on our friendship and that I’ve been taken for granted as his friend.
He, another friend, and I have spent the last few months planning a trip to Disney. Despite numerous setbacks (most notably our other friend getting sent to the hospital), we finally get our reservations made. 5 days before we’re set to go, he texts us saying that his boss told him he can’t go (because his boss decided at the last minute that they wanted to drive their daughter up to school on Sunday, which wouldn’t even conflict with his schedule if given the days off). He put his card down for everything, and if we were to not go, we’d all lose like $600.
Here’s the rub: as his friend, I know he didn’t push back against his boss. My friend and I got very angry with him because of the possibility that we’d end up also not being able to go (he put his card down for the reservations), because he wanted him to come and he’d be missed, and because it didn’t seem like he was even trying. When I brought up things like asking his boss for compensation for money lost, sick leave etc, he didn’t even bother to ask and just said his boss would be mad at him… despite the fact that his own coworkers do this too. All this, mind you, for TWO DAYS OFF. ALL HE ASKED FOR WAS TWO DAYS.
We told him that he’s being a pushover. He said “what’s done is done” and we told him that that’s not okay and that he has more options to exercise, so much so that I combed through his union contract and gave him 5 different ways that he could stand his ground and end up coming without posing a risk to his employment… no response.
He didn’t know that these options even existed. Either way, he just said “it can’t be done, there’s no way I can come.” He said he’s still going to pay his share and that we can go, which is whatever, but my friend and I (and mostly I) are upset because he didn’t even try and it seems like he doesn’t want to. It’s like it’s a poignant reminder of being put on the backfoot. AITA?
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My (23M) best friend of 8 years (24M) has always struggled with standing up for himself. It’s manifested itself the past few years as us not being able to have any quality time with each other, because friends who are clingier (or most recently, his boyfriend) will demand that they come along every time we hang out. We were roommates in college and I can count on one hand the number of times that we hung out one on one because someone would include themselves in our plans quite literally every single day and he couldn’t tell them no. Then our hangouts would turn into me having to watch that unwanted friend walk all over him or insult him or being ignored because that other friend would basically only speak to him, so I’d have to find someone else to hang out with for the night. I tell him to stand up for himself but he doesn’t. I have felt for a while as if his inability to assert himself has placed a massive strain on our friendship and that I’ve been taken for granted as his friend.
He, another friend, and I have spent the last few months planning a trip to Disney. Despite numerous setbacks (most notably our other friend getting sent to the hospital), we finally get our reservations made. 5 days before we’re set to go, he texts us saying that his boss told him he can’t go (because his boss decided at the last minute that they wanted to drive their daughter up to school on Sunday, which wouldn’t even conflict with his schedule if given the days off). He put his card down for everything, and if we were to not go, we’d all lose like $600.
Here’s the rub: as his friend, I know he didn’t push back against his boss. My friend and I got very angry with him because of the possibility that we’d end up also not being able to go (he put his card down for the reservations), because he wanted him to come and he’d be missed, and because it didn’t seem like he was even trying. When I brought up things like asking his boss for compensation for money lost, sick leave etc, he didn’t even bother to ask and just said his boss would be mad at him… despite the fact that his own coworkers do this too. All this, mind you, for TWO DAYS OFF. ALL HE ASKED FOR WAS TWO DAYS.
We told him that he’s being a pushover. He said “what’s done is done” and we told him that that’s not okay and that he has more options to exercise, so much so that I combed through his union contract and gave him 5 different ways that he could stand his ground and end up coming without posing a risk to his employment… no response.
He didn’t know that these options even existed. Either way, he just said “it can’t be done, there’s no way I can come.” He said he’s still going to pay his share and that we can go, which is whatever, but my friend and I (and mostly I) are upset because he didn’t even try and it seems like he doesn’t want to. It’s like it’s a poignant reminder of being put on the backfoot. AITA?
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Not at all. If I were you I’ll let him do what he thinks he wanna do. Look you can’t force a person that is not really interested. if his interested he’ll definitely come without question.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Telling my friend that I don’t think he’s doing enough and that he needs to do more, agreeing with my friend that he was being a pushover, and expressing anger at his not being able to come.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA
It sucks but I think he made the right decision not fighting his boss, sometimes it’s not worth it, he knows his work and boss much more than you
He is still paying his share, have fun. He just won’t join
I also am not surprised he doesn’t want to fight with his boss for the simple fact that it is his boss and there is a work crisis at the moment
His time off was denied, it sucks
NTA. Go. Have a blast. Take lots of pics. If he’s not going to stand up for himself, this will be one thing in a long line of many that he’s going to miss out on in life. His loss.
I’m not sure why you’re asking if you’re the asshole…nobody is saying you are.
NTA for expressing your frustration, but take this example of him being a pushover as the last straw. Stop planning around him, stop telling him how he needs to be, stop trying to make him the way you want. You can’t change him, but you can change how you interact with him. If he starts missing you, maybe he’ll find a way to be in your life more. If not, you’re saving yourself endless frustration in the future.
Come on people, the boss is his boyfriend, not work!! His boyfriend can’t be away from him for a couple hours much less two full days and nights.
YTA He’s not a pushover. His boss has told him the days are cancelled and he doesn’t want to risk losing his job or job stability for the vacation. Considering the economy you shouldn’t fault him for that. He’s still paying his share, which he should. Let it go.
NTA
Your anger is justified, the trip you were planning won’t be the same without your best friend and he knows that (I’m assuming you don’t go regularly to Disney and it’s once a year or less).
People like him who can’t set boundaries or say no will always let down the people they’re least scared to say no to. That sucks for you and unless something changes it will drag your friendship down.
I hope he learns to assert himself because it will make his life (and that of everyone he knows) better.
i feel bad because i’m this exact way (pushover and afraid of conflict) so i know how he feels. also though, i can see your side. you are NTA. totally wish i could stop being this way.
NTA and he’s not a friend, he’s a liability
Your friend doesn’t get that he’s letting you down.
Thete’s a time to let this go, and it was months ago.
Say, “I get that it’s really hard for you to push back, say no… I get that you’re terrified of disappointing people. But GUESS WHAT?! You’ve been disappointing me! You’ve been letting me down!
“I guess you think that’s okay because I haven’t botched you out like everybody else, but that ends today. YOU SUCK. YOU SUCK SO HARD.
“Come find me when you’re ready to apologize. Otherwise, get lost.”
YTA–its one thing to stand up to people in social aspects. You cant exactly push back on your boss all the time. You dont always have more options when it comes to work thing. Technicallities of union contract sure…but there are huge drawbacks to being that guy at work.
UPDATE: We sorted something out. He’ll miss 2 days but will come for the days he’s not working. Thank you all for your responses.