My (31m), sister (29f), mom (59f), and dad (58m) all live pretty close to each other in the same city. Before I met my girlfriend (29f) my family would all ride together if we agreed on say meeting up at a restaurant, going to a family event, Christmas at my aunt’s house, etc. It worked out for us pretty well because we all saved on gas by taking one car and was just easy to get us all there and back at the same time.
Since meeting my fiance she has requested I stop doing this. I understand from her point of view that she doesn’t want to ride with my mother and sister everywhere. She says I shouldn’t be so attached to my family like this. It’s usually only a once a month thing, not really often though. Today is the day of my cousin’s wedding, which is 2 hours away from us. My sister originally asked if she could ride with my fiancé and I, which I declined, then my mom asked if she could ride with us since my dad wasn’t going. I declined, but my mom is still kind of insistent on “why can’t I just come along with y’all?”. She said she would pitch in for gas as well. AITA?
TLDR; My (31m) family sometimes requests to hitch a ride with me or for all of us to ride in one of their cars to family gatherings, events that we are all going to anyways, etc. My fiance (29f) requested I stop doing this because she’d like it to be just her and I in the car. AITA for declining to take on an extra person in my car, ride together with family members anymore, etc?
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My (31m), sister (29f), mom (59f), and dad (58m) all live pretty close to each other in the same city. Before I met my girlfriend (29f) my family would all ride together if we agreed on say meeting up at a restaurant, going to a family event, Christmas at my aunt’s house, etc. It worked out for us pretty well because we all saved on gas by taking one car and was just easy to get us all there and back at the same time.
Since meeting my fiance she has requested I stop doing this. I understand from her point of view that she doesn’t want to ride with my mother and sister everywhere. She says I shouldn’t be so attached to my family like this. It’s usually only a once a month thing, not really often though. Today is the day of my cousin’s wedding, which is 2 hours away from us. My sister originally asked if she could ride with my fiancé and I, which I declined, then my mom asked if she could ride with us since my dad wasn’t going. I declined, but my mom is still kind of insistent on “why can’t I just come along with y’all?”. She said she would pitch in for gas as well. AITA?
TLDR; My (31m) family sometimes requests to hitch a ride with me or for all of us to ride in one of their cars to family gatherings, events that we are all going to anyways, etc. My fiance (29f) requested I stop doing this because she’d like it to be just her and I in the car. AITA for declining to take on an extra person in my car, ride together with family members anymore, etc?
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> I might be the asshole for declining to ride together with any of my family members anymore even though we all go to the same destinations
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
INFO – how big is the car and who would ride shotgun with you?
For the wedding your gf or fiancée is being a little dramatic
INFO: what are the interpersonal dynamics like? I’m not able to get a single word in when my wife and in laws are together. Get talked over top of the entire time. I just text my wife instead. From 2 inches away on the couch. It’s exhausting. I’d get it if she feels iced out.
Your fiancé sucks and by abiding by their rules so do you. Why change something that works!?
Yta
YTA, although your girlfriend is a bigger one.
If you’re all going in the same direction, why wouldn’t you ride together? Especially if it’s only once a month.
NTA
This appears to be a relatively infrequent occurrence for specific events.
Most families do offer rides to other family members – especially when there are long distances involved.
Based on your post, it isn’t as if this is the only time when you and she are able to spend time together. I add this because there are some situations in which a couple genuinely has little time they can spend by themselves – e.g. if they have children and so aren’t able to have a lot of “dates” because babysitters are expensive.
Your fiancée should offer to drive to the wedding if she feels strongly that it should just be the two of you in the vehicle. For a two hour drive, it makes sense to have one less vehicle on the road, and to share the driving and gas.
It’s not unreasonable for your fiancée to prefer it just be the two of you, or perhaps for it just to be the two of you sometimes, but you have an established pattern or system that’s worked for you and your family — the new person in the dynamic shouldn’t just shut this down.
YTA for simply bending to your fiancée’s will without trying to discuss or problem solve this.
YTA. I think you could stand to grow a backbone. It’s not a big deal to give family a ride in your car. Especially if it’s only once a month or so. How controlling is this woman you’re about to marry? What else aren’t you allowed to do? It’s not like your family is asking to live with you, come on now. It’s a fuggin car ride and they’re pitching in for gas.
YTA. Once a month, your gf can suck it up.
NAH. No one’s actions here really rise to the status of AH. I am someone who prefers not riding with other people for the pure reason that I don’t want to feel constricted. Like, I want to be able to leave if I’m ready to leave. And when I’m ready to be home, I don’t want to have to drop off three other people on the way. It’s no disrespect to anyone else, it’s just my personal preference.
Sure, once in a while is fine. I don’t think once a month is too bad. But on a long 2 hr drive to a wedding? Nah, I’m good on that. I’m not gonna be stuck there when I’m ready to leave, but Mom wants to be the last one out the door.
I’m going with YTA here. If it happened every few days, or weekly, then yeah I could see it. But once a month or so? Or to an event that is several hours away? The statement “you shouldn’t be so attached to your family” should be a big red flag to you OP. If your fiance is trying to separate you from your family now, it will increase 100-fold after the wedding. Do you really want to sacrifice your family for this woman? I’d cut my losses and run, and find someone who will make the effort to fit in with your family (versus someone who wants to erase them).
YTA and your girlfriend is trying to isolate y away from your family . I’m shocked u don’t see this
YMBTAH. Seems you were perfectly happy with the riding arrangement prior to getting with your GF. I get where your GF prefers being with just you, but it seems a bit selfish of her to not allow your mother and sister to ride with you to an out-of-town wedding.
I realize this situation might be more complicated than you present it as maybe your GF and mother/sister don’t get along well and, if that’s no fault of your GF, then you’d need to make a choice. For your GF to always ban you from including your mother and sister seems a bit extreme to me.
NTA, because you simply don’t have to give them a ride, but I genuinely don’t see the reason to decline it for a one time thing such as a family wedding in a distant location, as you’re already stopping with the monthly rides for dinner.
You should however have an open conversation with your fiancée about what in your relationship with your family bothers her, how she expects your relationship to be after you get married and ask yourself if you are ok with that. Looks like she has more problems with your family than just giving them rides, and she might be controlling or have valid points, but don’t wait until after you get married to find out if you are on the same page.
Your gf’s opinion that you “shouldn’t be so close with your family” sucks balls. The fact that she comes into your life and immediately starts trying to control you and drive a wedge between you and your family sounds pretty not great, tbh. YTA for letting her dictate how your relationship with your family works. If she doesn’t like a guy *checks notes* carpooling with his family once every few weeks (?) then she’s can either get used to it or move on. There’s no problem with that that needs to be changed other than the ones she made up in her head.
YTA your GF could leave you at any moment on a whim, family is forever
Not enough info. I, at first, wanted to say NTA for wanting to include your parents and combining a ride, but there HAS to be more to the situation.
Does your family not allow you all any time to yourself on family days? Does your fiance get shoved in the corner or in the middle seat? Is she pushed to the back? Is She being treated like a 3rd wheel or worse? Are family days just too long, too often, and too much for fiance? You have talked about rides, but how often does family (even if it is just one) horn in on just the two of you. It can be just phone calls. How much are they really involved in the time you spend with her?
YTA. Your girlfriend is controlling and trying to separate you from your family. This is a once a month event. She shouldn’t have an issue with sharing you once a month.
She’s wrong when she says you shouldn’t be this close to your family.
info – WHAT DO YOU WANT? It doesn’t seem like its an inconvenience other then to your fiancee, so….. It’s your vehicle, you are not married to the fiancee, and you haven’t told us how YOU FEEL about this situation. Clearly you are seeking if I listen to my fiancee am I whipped, or is she pointing out something that I should have done on my own? HOW DO YOU FEEL?
INFO: are you ok with this OP or do you have a problem with what your fiance is asking?
Yta and so is your girlfriend. She’s got you well and truly whipped!
Are they rude to her? Or is she just a selfish, controlling person? We need more information. Also, does the fiance drive? Can she just go separate or skip family outings altogether?
So I will say NTA for the 2 hour ride. I personally do not like having people in my car for long trips because I like listening to music and i feel like i have to talk to them, etc. I also feel like i am on their schedule not mine. I will say YTA for not giving your family a ride to a restaurant you are all going to just because your fiancée demanded it. The bigger issue is your fiancée trying to put a wedge between you and your family.
YTA. This is ridiculous when you are all going to one place unless your fiancee has some mental health reason or health reason she can’t be in the car with others, your family is unpleasant to be trapped in the car with because they are excessively flatulent, or your family has wildly different ideas of punctuality or decorum of attending events. If your family is chronically late to events or doesn’t know how to take the hint its time to leave, I wouldn’t want to be stuck with them as they hold me hostage to their poor manners because we rode together.
If there is nothing medical, rude or problematic, you could tell your fiancee that your truck uses too much fuel to just transport two people so carpooling offsets the environmental impact. Being unwilling to carpool to a wedding 2 hours away is really questionable on your fiancee’s side because your folks aren’t getting younger. They are going to need more help with transportation, so if you intend to marry someone who considers helping family unwelcome, maybe consider how that will work when your parents give up night driving or quit driving all together?
ESH everyone being you and your partner. Once or twice a month carpooling with your family isnt abnormal. Especially if y’all are all going to the same place! I thought this post was gunna be about how you were giving rides left and right at your family’s request. Your fiance sounds like she has a stick up her ass or doesn’t like your family. Are you sure she isn’t trying to push your family away?
NTA. I get the impression that you don’t mind giving rides to family events. What is your fiancee’s problem with this? It’s not everyday. It’s an occasional family event. I think your fiancee is the AH here. If she is trying to create drama where there never was any before, just wait until you are married. Maybe you need to do some thinking about all of this. There’s more to this than just sharing a ride.
YTA. Dude. Really? It’s one thing to not take your family on a date with your GF. But – this is a wedding you are all attending. It only makes logical and financial sense for you to travel in the same vehicle – especially since you have the room. What IS her issue???
You need to really have a discussion with your GF and find out why she feels this way. It is inappropriate for anyone to separate you from your family ESPECIALLY if you have a healthy relationship with them. Just because she doesn’t like it doesn’t mean you are now required to cater to her whims. You don’t say how long you’ve been together, but this is a red flag waving in your face – and you might want to pay attention. Wouldn’t it be nicer to be with someone who enjoys being with your family on those infrequent occasions when everyone in the same car makes sense???
For the record – my youngest son had a couple of ex gf’s that pulled similar BS on his where his family was concerned. He has apologized profusely since then realizing that he was wrong to allow them to put a wedge between him and the family he loves so much and who is there for him any time he needs.
YTA if you allow your GF to dictate when/if you see your family – and that IS what she is doing, even if you don’t realise it. This is an early attempt at control/abuse and you don’t seem to have noticed that.
Seems your girlfriend has a jealousy problem. It’s not like it’s all the time you are in the car. You need to talk to her and get to the root of the problem as to why she feels she has to dictate who you give rides to. You need to because next she will be saying that no one needs to ride in your car ever but just you and her
It’s one thing if it’s a local restaurant but it does seem normal for a longer drive to a wedding to ride share. It’s obviously up to you but if gas money is an issue for your family to be driving 4 hours I’d say a bit of an AH. Also once a month your girlfriend can’t ride in the car with them? I’m not loving her either. Soft YTA
So you give rides to your family about once a month and your gf says you shouldn’t be this attached to them and that she hates riding “everywhere “ with them? I’m either missing some info here or she’s controlling and insecure. Your gf can go kick rocks, seriously. YTA.
You don’t say how you feel about this. It sounds to me like she’s alienating your family and I think you know that
YTA
There is something wrong when your fiancee wants you to not be close to your family. That’s a huge red flag. Not only is it more convenient for everyone to ride together, it saves everyone gas money, it’s always easier to park one car and it saves the environment. Your fiancee is not only incredibly selfish, about this, what happens when she doesn’t want you to spend holidays with your family because it’s better just the two of you? What happens when she doesn’t want your family around your kids if you have them? I don’t think she likes your family (who sound lovely by the way) and that would be a deal breaker for me. Maybe rethink who you are about to commit to.
I think you need to have an adult conversation with your GF to understand what her issue is. It honestly sounds like she is being controlling.
NTA. What is the relationship like between your fiancé, mother and sister???
I’m suspecting tension and your fiancé doesn’t wanna deal with that and she’s setting boundaries.
You’re being a good partner in supporting her.
Short version…
Your fiancé is your future and the two of you are a team. Oblige her request for something so small. You guys have to back each other up if a situation evolves. Your family will be just fine taking care of themselves.
Good luck!
I guess I ‘d want to know what the overall family interaction level is. Are your family members literally underfoot daily? Do they enter your living space without notice? Then there may be a problem and she has legit concerns.
Are the local get togethers a frequent thing, more than weekly?
Do you all live so closely together that picking up and dropping off are literally nothing, or do you end up spending more than twenty minutes getting everyone home?
Then it is a real question of how much of your time as a couple is spent kust driving people around who can drive themselves.
Basically, if it’s just once in a while, less than, say, every two weeks with the restaurants or
adding forty minutes to any evening out that’s a maybe a problem.
That’s all part of a larger conversation you need to have with her about what you each think is the comfortable level of family togetherness.
If she thinks your family should be holidays only while you enjoy their company as friends then this us a major disagreement that needs to be explcitly sorted.
It’s not okay for her to determine that you can’t spend time with your family if they are not demanding a toxic level of it.
If she either 1) just doesn’t like them, or 2) is also critical of your friends as well, then these are real problems.
If she is set against everyone else you care for that isn’t love, it’s pathology.
All that said: a two hour drive is a big deal. It’s a lot if time to spend together, both ways.
And two of you alone in a car you can stop for an unplanned light lunch, sightsee on the way home, decide on a whim to stay somewhere overnight.
With a car full of people you don’t have spontaneity, or long personal conversations.
But it’s also a stupid amount of extra driving for everybody if you end up in two or three cars instead if one.
And extended family time together is also a plus if you enjoy their company.
There are two sides here, neither totally wrong.
Again, you need an extended conversation with her about this specifically.
YTA. this isn’t an all the time thing nights once a month. And going two hours to a wedding is very reasonable to take one car. I see a 🚩🚩 with your girlfriend though.
Op it’s time to separate a bit from the family togetherness. When you enter into a partnership & your partner tells you what they want / need you should be asking yourself how you can accomplish this for your partner. This should be an easy fix, natural progression in life & partnerships should be a time to make necessary adjustments as the family supports you . It worked until it didn’t. Sounds like you need to separate the two, mostly because you’re a big kid now & your partner is asking this of you. As a mom myself, I’d gladly make this adjustment in carpooling for one of my adult kids. It’s the way life goes !
You’re not the issue… your gf is. She a red flag. Drop her and find someone else.
Are you the AH for telling your family they can’t hitch rides anymore? Yes because it isn’t you speaking. It’s the GF speaking. From the title, it sounded like you were the designated Lyft driver for the family, taking them to the grocery store or whatever. After reading the details, it sounds like y’all were just trying to make life easier for everyone involved. Rare family events should use as few vehicles as possible especially when it’s a two hour drive. Find out what it is about your family that she does or doesn’t like.
I can understand her request for just the two of y’all if you had a smaller vehicle but a Silverado can hold 7 people (I think). I know an Expedition can hold that many. Hell, my Ford Edge holds 5.
I’m gonna go with ESH: your GF for making the demand and you for going along with it. Your parents and sister, not so much. They figured these rare carpooling events weren’t going to change much.
YTA, a 2 hr drive is 100% the time to carpool. You should drive your mom and sister.
The family dinners seems like an odd boundary for her to want, more context is needed for further judgement.
A
YTA.
I really do not understand this from your GF’s POV. Carpooling to the same event to save on gas is reasonable, but it sounds like your gf doesn’t like your family. It’s either that or she’s trying to isolate you from them.
Also, seeing your family once a month is nothing. It’s not like your parents and sister come bombarding in on your life every single day, not respecting your privacy, etc.
YTA for going along with this controlling nonsense from your GF. First of all, reduce your carbon footprint and carpool when you can. Then consider why in the hell you are letting your GF dictate this when it’s once a month and they are offering to pitch in for gas.
I don’t think your family are AHs for wanting to drive together and it’s worked out fine up till your fiancé came on the scene.
I would be concerned about anyone who says you “shouldn’t be attached” like this. Is it just the rides? Do you guys talk every day?
Fiancé did choose to be involved with someone who is close to family. Unless your family is overly intrusive it seems odd that she’s bothered and wants to change you.
What was gf’s reason for stopping the rides other than she thinks you’re too close to your family? Is that the only symptoms of her diagnosis? Did she have this problem in a previous relationship so she’s now overly sensitive?
To me it seems weird bc it’s eco friendly to carpool. Only thing I can think of is it would be nice to alternate who’s driving/car gets used.
NTA. It’s normal to separate from your family of origin and do things with your chosen partner. It’s not fun or comfortable to be stuck in the car with someone else’s family. Your mom and sister can go together. You and your partner are a unit now.
YTA
What’s wrong with your chick?
YTA and so is your fiancée. Drive your mom and your sister to a family wedding 2 hours away. If that keeps your fiancée from going, you need to seriously reconsider marrying this person.
For the wedding I can see why your fiancé would want it to be just the two of you. It’s a long drive and you may want to leave earlier/stay later than the others in your party. Besides I know my husband and I like to rehash the event on the way home and that’s hard to do with others in the car. Your mom and sister can just ride together.
As for the other get togethers – why does she think you shouldn’t be the designated driver? Is she seeing something in their treatment of you that you don’t? Or are they not so nice to her? Give that some thought.
I also think it’s perfectly acceptable to not always be the driver going forward. Things change when you choose a life partner. Maybe you two would like to continue on after your family outing without dropping everyone off, or maybe someone could pick you up for once. See what happens if you suggest that. The family’s response could be telling.
YTA for letting your fiancee judge you and separate you from your family. If it was just a matter of her not wanting to ride with them, that would be at least reasonable. But telling you that you’re too attached? because you give them a ride once a month? That’s twisted. And if that’s the reason, you should not give in.
YTA…..why are you letting this person dictate what you do ? You seemingly had no issue with it before, but now you say no.
She sounds very controlling and jealous of your time. Don’t treat your family poorly because of her….you will regret it.
Distance from all of them. Including gf
YTA. I’m sorry, but you are really gong to let your fiancée ban a family thing that only happens once a month? How much extra time did it add to the drive?
Has she started isolating you from your other friends as well? What hobbies have you given up because it interferes with the relationship?
You are going to a FAMILY wedding. Is she going to control who you talk to there too? It’s really dumb that you are taking separate cars when you can all ride together for a major event 2 hours away.
YTA for letting your fiancée dictate something as simple as carpooling to a family event, especially a wedding.
If she doesn’t want to ride with others, fine – she can drive herself. Problem solved. But expecting everyone else to bend to her preference? That’s not compromise, that’s control.
If you’re truly family oriented, this should be a red flag. If she can’t find middle ground on something this minor, imagine the power struggles you’ll be dealing with down the road after marrying her.
Info:
What stipulations has she made about your friends?
Maybe your mom/dad/sister are annoying for some reason. Does one or more of them talk or complain too much, have anger problems, etc.?
Regarding the wedding, if you go to the wedding together you will all be stuck together for the entire day. What if someone wants to go home early?
And, your mom and sister can still ride together. Then you and your fiancee can go by yourselves.
YTA. If your fiancé feels it is too painful to have your relatives in the car, you might suggest that she can drive herself and meet you there.
YTA. This is unnecessarily restrictive. If it was frequently, I would understand her concern but for the odd monthly dinner or special event you’re all going to, her attitude makes no sense. Especially something like a wedding, where venues often have limited parking. Your fiancée is being unnecessarily controlling.
Hey, I’m someone who values my independence, doesn’t like being too close to my bio family, and sees my wife as my #1 family member.
BUT GIVEN ALL THAT, I still think that YTA.
Sharing a ride to a restaurant or an event? What’s the big deal? If we like each other we can be in the same car, no?
I think your fiance has a problem, and it’s not your family.
YTA your girlfriend is controlling and driving wedges in your family, definitely raising red flags, your car, you’re driving, your family, she needs to stay in her lane!
YTA
YTA Choosing to carpool is not an all-or-nothing action. Sometimes you carpool (for example, when the destination is 2 hours away). Sometimes you don’t (for example, when you are going out to dinner nearby but you want to run a few errands afterward). Also, carpooling once a month is not a frequent occurrence; practicality makes sense.
If your fiancé is more comfortable with just you, then consider occasionally not carpooling, but don’t make it a new rule, especially when you seem to enjoy it. Let your fiancé sit up front with you while you carpool, but don’t abandon carpooling altogether.
As others have said, this is a red flag for your fiancé. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
YTA it not an every day occurrence. You will let your mom drive it alone just because your fiancé thinks your family is too close. This doesn’t sound like it’s a way too close for comfort family it sounds like they all benefit by saving on driving by all pitching in. This would be a red flag in my book. Sounds like she is trying to get in between you and your family. I get maybe not to restaurants in town and around town but a wedding 2 hours away. She should just suck it up once in a while. Save the freaking planet by driving fewer cars.
A two hour ride to our wedding is absolutely carpool circumstances. Yta
Once a month for dinners? Fiancé is TA. If you were driving all over the place to pick everyone up, understandable to say no. If you guys had plans and weren’t going to be home, and would have to go out of your way to pick them up, it would be understandable to drive on your own and then meet you there. If there is rudeness or something, most definitely they should be driving separate.
However, if you’re in the area it does make sense to travel together. Going to the wedding, totally makes sense to drive together.
The only exceptions that would make sense to not picking them up is if sister or mom are either consistently late and you’re waiting for them all the time. Or if they are rude and making your girlfriend uncomfortable with their comments. In which case you needed to address this as “the comments need to stop, or I will need to put some distance between us, and will no longer be driving you. Please respect my relationship by respecting her”. But it doesn’t sound like this is what it was.
YTA and so is your fiance. She’s separating you from your family (for some odd reason), and it’s a control thing. It’s also often a narcissistic behaviour, so step back and take z gard look at this relationship.
YTA and red flag.
YTA
Your fiancé needs to suck it up. Occasional ride shares with family are normal things that normal people do. And it’s your mom FFS.
This may be a good litmus test before you get married. After all, you don’t marry the individual, you marry the family….and she does not like yours.
YTA your all going to the same wedding why wouldn’t you drive together. Seems like your GF is trying to isolate you from your family, not cool.
Your fiance can go get bent. How about she drives alone, and you go with your family .
She sounds like a handful, and not in a good way.