I (25 F) have been married to my husband (30M) for almost three years now. About a year and a half into our marriage, when we couldn’t conceive, we both got tested. ( i begged him to get tested after visiting different doctors on my own). My results were normal, but his showed azoospermia (zero sperm count) and the kind that wasn’t treatable. Doctors told us there was no hope for natural conception.
After I insisted and we explored a couple different options we got to know IVF was the only possible treatment if we want our own children. I love children and always dreamt of it and he appreciated the idea with equal enthusiasm too if not more both before and after marriage. Anyway, his family tried their level best to keep us from going ahead with the IVF saying it’s futile and a waste of money but after months we finally got them on board too. Then, even though my body was healthy, I went through painful, invasive procedures for IVF, thinking we were both equally invested in trying and personally suffered serious side effects bcz i was young and all my labs were normal. The doctor already warned us that i might face side effects bcz of age and good labs but we went ahead nevertheless.
Throughout this process, my husband and his family would take him to his doctor appointments without me, which felt strange but I didn’t push at the time. I was only taken when i had to see my doctor because we had to have IVF ICSI.
But because the sperms we retrieved from his body surgically were just a few and all abnormal and immotile our IVF failed. I was devastated and doctors told this was our last option and only round and there’s no hope left so I started thinking seriously about adoption. Then one day, I accidentally came across a medical document showing that when my husband was 15, he had a surgery where one testicle was removed and the other was operated on to bring it down in its position it hadn’t descended till he was 15( the suggested age for this procedure is within 18 months ). This is why he couldn’t father a child naturally and he knew of this surgery all along.
He admitted it when I confronted him. Me and my trust was completely shattered. He and his family had deliberately hidden this from me before marriage and during our fertility journey. I feel like I was robbed of the choice to decide if I wanted to marry him knowing this, and I endured unnecessary pain emotionally and physically because of the lie. Had he told me earlier I would have just accepted it because I had already understood that motherhood might not be in my fate with him.
What’s worse is that instead of remorse, he started manipulating me and telling me I’m “sinful,” “ungrateful,” and that I never valued what he gave me and i was just looking for a way out and found my reasoning. Although that’s not true and i love him more than anything i just can’t understand how can he do that to me i have accepted his anger outbursts, periodic joblessness infertility narcissistic tactics everything only for him to make me feel that way now when i was already so broken. He twists the story to make it seem like I’m abandoning him over a medical issue, when in reality, it’s the deliberate deception and emotional harm that I can’t live with.
Now, I want to separate. He refuses to divorce me but says he will agree to a mutual separation if I return the dowry and gifts, which I’m willing to do. He keeps telling me I’m sinful and ungrateful for wanting to leave, which makes me feel guilty and confused.
For clarity: I come from a religious and conservative family, this was my first intimate partner so I couldn’t figure out his surgical history.
HIS SIDE:
He says he hid it from me because he didn’t
Know it will affect his fertility and when the reports came, he chose not to share it out of care and love because he found me very disturbed already and didn’t want to worry me further and that he didn’t lie, just kept some truth to himself. 🙃 Mind you i had a minor medical history and i told him everything in detail before marriage so he had a chance then too but he chose not to.
Now i don’t know how’s that logical, but my close friends and family believe his reasoning is just manipulation and the fact he is still not owning up and turning it around on me shows moving on with him wouldn’t be wise at all.
My questions for you:
1. Would you consider this level of dishonesty a dealbreaker?
2. Is it wrong for me to leave, even though he says he “loves” me?
3. How do I stop feeling guilty when deep down I know I was deceived?
M so heartbroken and years with him n his narcissistic ways have effed up my logical brain.
Comments
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Original copy of post’s text by /u/Prestigious_Pin_980:
I (25 F) have been married to my husband (30M) for almost three years now. About a year and a half into our marriage, when we couldn’t conceive, we both got tested. ( i begged him to get tested after visiting different doctors on my own). My results were normal, but his showed azoospermia (zero sperm count) and the kind that wasn’t treatable. Doctors told us there was no hope for natural conception.
After I insisted and we explored a couple different options we got to know IVF was the only possible treatment if we want our own children. I love children and always dreamt of it and he appreciated the idea with equal enthusiasm too if not more both before and after marriage. Anyway, his family tried their level best to keep us from going ahead with the IVF saying it’s futile and a waste of money but after months we finally got them on board too. Then, even though my body was healthy, I went through painful, invasive procedures for IVF, thinking we were both equally invested in trying and personally suffered serious side effects bcz i was young and all my labs were normal. The doctor already warned us that i might face side effects bcz of age and good labs but we went ahead nevertheless.
Throughout this process, my husband and his family would take him to his doctor appointments without me, which felt strange but I didn’t push at the time. I was only taken when i had to see my doctor because we had to have IVF ICSI.
But because the sperms we retrieved from his body surgically were just a few and all abnormal and immotile our IVF failed. I was devastated and doctors told this was our last option and only round and there’s no hope left so I started thinking seriously about adoption. Then one day, I accidentally came across a medical document showing that when my husband was 15, he had a surgery where one testicle was removed and the other was operated on to bring it down in its position it hadn’t descended till he was 15( the suggested age for this procedure is within 18 months ). This is why he couldn’t father a child naturally and he knew of this surgery all along.
He admitted it when I confronted him. Me and my trust was completely shattered. He and his family had deliberately hidden this from me before marriage and during our fertility journey. I feel like I was robbed of the choice to decide if I wanted to marry him knowing this, and I endured unnecessary pain emotionally and physically because of the lie. Had he told me earlier I would have just accepted it because I had already understood that motherhood might not be in my fate with him.
What’s worse is that instead of remorse, he started manipulating me like he always does and started telling me I’m “sinful,” “ungrateful,” and that I never valued what he gave me and i was just looking for a way out and found my reasoning. Although that’s not true and i love him more than anything i just can’t understand how can he do that to me i have accepted his anger outbursts, periodic joblessness infertility narcissistic tactics everything only for him to make me feel that way now when i was already so broken. He twists the story to make it seem like I’m abandoning him over a medical issue, when in reality, it’s the deliberate deception and emotional harm that I can’t live with.
Now, I want to separate. He refuses to divorce me but says he will agree to a mutual separation if I return the dowry and gifts, which I’m willing to do. He keeps telling me I’m sinful and ungrateful for wanting to leave, which makes me feel guilty and confused.
For clarity: I come from a religious and conservative family, this was my first intimate partner so I couldn’t figure out his surgical history.
HIS SIDE:
He says he hid it from me because he didn’t
Know it will affect his fertility and when the reports came, he chose not to share it out of care and love because he found me very disturbed already and didn’t want to worry me further and that he didn’t lie, just kept some truth to himself. 🙃 Mind you i had a minor medical history and i told him everything in detail before marriage so he had a chance then too but he chose not to.
Now i don’t know how’s that logical, but my close friends and family believe his reasoning is just manipulation and the fact he is still not owning up and turning it around on me shows moving on with him wouldn’t be wise at all.
My questions for you:
M so heartbroken and years with him n his narcissistic ways have effed up my logical brain.
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The only sinful people here are the lying, manipulative liar who oyt you through unnecessary pain and trauma and the family that helped him. Keep the damn dowry. It’s the least he owes you.
NTA. Time to leave.
If I were in your position, I would be VERY tempted to sue him for fraud, given that he married you under false pretenses.
Dealbreaker? YES!
Wrong to leave him? NO! NO! NO!
If he truly “loves” you, he wouldn’t have lied to you in the first place, and he wouldn’t be acting like such a dickwad.
So, don’t feel guilty. Because the only one here who should feel guilty is the lying liar. And the lying liar ain’t you.
He can’t “refuse” to divorce. He can create a contentious, difficult situation, but he can’t hold you hostage, especially with the ammunition you have.
He and his family are gremlins. You absolutely cannot withhold something as major as infertility from a potential spouse, but they knew it would be a deterrent to many women, so they lied with no remorse.
They’re despicable. Nothing ties your to him. Get out now. You’ll find someone better, I promise. You’re still very young and can have the children you desire.
NTA
Listen if kids were always something your wanted and prioritized when marrying this guy and he hid his infertility from you than yeah he is the ass. Now I hope you love this guy more than his ability to produce kids, but again you had a relationship based on lies. It would be like if I pretended I was a millionaire and married someone to only tell them I am $500K in debt and I expect them to stay with me for the rest of their life while helping me payoff my debt. Yeah the person I married still could love me, but that’s a massive lie and burden that I am putting on my wife that I tricked.
I am sorry for all this, but IMO I think divorce is needed not a separation
NTA. If the “dowry and gifts” don’t come with a contract, then I would not return them. You don’t need him to agree to a divorce, but I hope you do have a copy of the medical document.
“He started manipulating me like he always does”
That’s messed up you’re so ok with that statement. Bottom line he lied to you and you went through procedures with him knowing full well nothing would come of that. If you want to have a child with someone you both need to be apart of whatever process that is. Him refusing to go with you really says it all and he lied to you because he knew he couldn’t get you with the truth.
Walk out the door and don’t look back. You’re young, healthy and fertile and you want kids with someone who isn’t a manipulative narcissist.
NTA
At the end of this lengthy post, you are the AH:
* First of all, how did you never realize that your husband only has one ball? I mean, come on! You should have noticed that immediately and asked about it.
* He said he didn’t know that this operation he had in his teenage years would affect his fertility, it’s probably true. So he didn’t think he had an issue prior to marrying you. He doesn’t owe you his full medical history just because you get married.
* You said yourself: “Had he told me earlier I would have just accepted it because I had already understood that motherhood might not be in my fate with him.” So, it would not have changed anything in terms of the outcome.
* “he started manipulating me like he always does” – vile comment that contradicts the fact that you claim to love him.
He’s also an AH for trying IVF and spending the money/energy and your comfort without disclosing this to you and the doctors before though.
NTA he was dishonest and let you undergo an invasive medical procedure under false pretenses.
He’s willing to sacrifice your health to protect his ego. It doesn’t sound like he was apologetic about it either. You deserve someone honest who values your health!
NTA but he’s a lying, selfish, manipulative, abusive, egotistical dickhead. He lied because of pride. His family are just as bad, they all withheld this before marriage knowing he couldn’t have children. You went through awful invasive procedures while he knew it wouldn’t work. Yes this is a dealbreaker, you deserve to be with someone loving, kind, honest who loves you. You need to leave, put yourself first and d give yourself time to heal. Updateme
Well he sounds like a keeper 🤨🤨 if you can leave him you’re young enough to start again with somebody who won’t lie to you over something as major as having only 1 ball. Plus to make it all about you and how it’s all your fault no sorry get rid
A marriage is a contract at a base legal level. He entered into this contract through very clear deception and could very truly be grounds for annulment (cheaper than divorce). Please speak to a lawyer. This are huge life decisions and you could sue him to cover the distress you went through and medical costs due to his deception. This could be considered medical fraud if ivf was covered for you but he knew he could not. Absolutely talk to a lawyer. IVF treatments are no joke. And YOU are phrasing it wrong and he will use the same words against you: you are not seeking divorce due to his inability to have a child – you are seeking divorce due to deception and the financial, physical and emotional costs of that deception.
You must live in a third world country.
In America, there is no such thing as refusing divorce. In most states, you’d be entitled to an annulment. You were married under false pretenses.
Pls share where you live.
NTA. UpdateMe
NTA DON’T LET HIM MANIPULATE YOU !!!
NTA. He and his family are though. Leave now and find someone who’s honest with you and genuinely loves you.
Why aren’t you talking to a lawyer?
NTA… A lie of omission is still a lie. The only “sinners” are your lying, manipulative husband, and his equally culpable family.
My ex husband did the same to me.
I wanted kids and he eventually conceded and we started to try.
Nothing was happening so my doctor sent us to a fertility specialist. Turned out we were both infertile. He failed to tell me he knew he can’t have kids. He was just hoping that I wouldn’t find out.
During our divorce he claimed I knew.
I went through a ton of invasive and painful tests. Why would I have don’t that if I knew?????
Leave him. Don’t pass go, don’t collect 200…..it won’t get better. In fact, my ex got more abusive and choked me.
NTA…
Keep the dowry and all the gifts. Leave him and tell him it’s not his lack of biological balls that make him not a real man. It’s his lack of metaphorical ones and the cowardice to lie to a woman for years because he is a scared little man.
What a douchebag. You deserve better.
100% this marriage is unfixable.
NTA
Id gtfo, that’s a major info to withhold and takes away your choice. Divorce is my vote
NTA, he and his family are ahs for keeping that from you and offering fake support during it
NTA. Yes, this level of dishonesty is grounds for divorce, maybe even annulment of the marriage. Idk where you live but you shouldn’t need his permission to get divorced. You shouldn’t return ANYTHING! This man is a master manipulator and abuser. You need to see a lawyer ASAP. You need to get your important documents in a safe place. Please seek out a domestic violence shelter for advice on how to leave safely.
He is manipulating you. He lied to you. If anyone is the sinner it is him
Internet friend, my sister went through IVF and it was so terribly hard. Her body and mind were tortured. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. And he watched you do it and said nothing. I cannot emphasize enough how horrific that is.
To be fair, he probably didn’t know that it had effected his fertility… Quite the contrary, he was probably told having the surgery back then would ensure he’d be able to father a child some day…otherwise, they could have left his undescended testical where it was. The reason to bring it down surgically is so it can regulate temperature to produce viable sperm.
Oh honey I’m so sorry! This man and his family are the worst!! Liars and now gaslighting you and trying to make you feel guilty!? You deserve a divorce and to start anew. This level of dishonesty is one hundred percent a deal breaker. Best of luck
He lied to you as part of the contract associated with the dowry. That dowry was was shared in good faith, but he withheld critical information, and did so intentionally. It’s called LYING. You do not owe him repayment of dowry for his manipulation and dishonesty. He married you under false pretenses. Yes, this is a dealbreaker. He may say he loves you, but he loves his pride more. You are the victim of deception, so you have NO reason whatsoever to carry a moment’s guilt. He knowingly did this to you. Now, he is burning up your fertile years with his monstrous lie. Call an end to this, that the marriage was performed under false pretenses, divorce him, and comfort yourself. You deserve the best now, including the chance to find an honorable partner. YNTA!!
This is generally considered marriage by deception or fraud, it is grounds for an annulment.
Wow. Nta. Honey- he put you through hell. On purpose. He wasted a lot of money, time & put strain/pain on your health. To manipulate. He still isn’t sorry. He’s still playing games & not owning up to what he did. I am assuming you are not in the states (since there is a dowry/gifts) so I don’t know about where you are from but most places- you don’t need his permission for a divorce. I don’t think love is that manipulative. He sounds so petty & selfish. To put you through all of that (his family too). I mean you know they all thought they were smart & playing you (helping him deceive you). They probably had a good laugh. I don’t understand why the drs didn’t inform you, they should have. The real question isn’t how you should move past this- it’s why you would want to
Divorce is the only option.
HE could have been honest from the start and he wasn’t.
He could have been honest when you couldn’t get pregnant.
He could have told you before the first treatment.
HE could have told you before ALL THE OTHER procedures.
But not only did he NOT tell you – he got his family to help him lie to you.
There is no way to come back from this level of betrayal.
He doesn’t love you. IF he did he would have been honest.
If you love them let home go isn’t just a trope.
You want the person you love to be happy.
He would have let you make the choice to be with him or not.
He was afraid to lose you.
HE FUCKING TORTURED YOU.
You should be able to sue him for all of that abuse you endured.
Talk to your lawyer and burn his world to the ground.
NTA
You don’t need his permission to divorce. tell him you will tell everyone he lied about being able to have children he knew he couldn’t and lied. Keep your dowry and leave. You underestimate how much he doesn’t want this known….he hid it an lied about for a reason…
To let you go through all that hope, pain & money while he & his family purposefully hid it from you & then he’s gaslighting you? He knew his chances were slim to none to begin with so this was purely selfish, sadistic & a way to keep hold over you. I’d call a lawyer, see if you can sue for financial, mental & the physical strain it put on your body. But I’d leave after getting any ducks in a row like important papers, separate bank accounts, etc. NTA.
He betrayed you, lied to you, wasted your time and gaslit you for it. Leave him immediately and find someone else to have a beautiful family with.
I am so sorry!
O he can fuck right off. Don’t return shit to him and get legal advice asap, you need to know your options from an outsider. He doesn’t get to decide for you if you want to stay together or not, is your decision and you don’t have to stay. He obviously thinks he can, but you have more options than what you are made think you are.
Yes, you need to consider divorce. He lied to you and actually caused you harm, because his ego couldn’t handle the idea that he may be infertile. He let his shame completely lead his decision making. And then he gaslit you and shamed you once you found out the truth. His ego is telling him you’re leaving because he isn’t enough of a man, but you’re leaving him because he actively lied and caused you harm.
Also, do you really want to have a child with this man? He clearly is insecure, caught in his own feelings and unable to have empathy for others. Is that who you want to father your children?!
I hate to be the one to tell you this, but that man doesn’t love you. He didn’t love you before he married you and he doesn’t love you now. Stop letting him walk all over you. You are not returning his dowry and any gifts he gave you because those were gifts and part of his attempt to manipulate and coerce you into a MARRIAGE despite him knowing he could NEVER provide you with motherhood which you made clear you wanted prior to marriage. Divorce him and demand payment for his lies and manipulation. He wasted your time and his entire family was involved in manipulating you and playing you like a fiddle. Don’t prove to them that you are someone to walk on. You let it be known that you are not and that him and his family manipulated you and that he is infertile so he don’t play this game with someone else.
What an asshole he is. That’s just awful what HE did. No one forced him to lie. Absolute deal breaker, don’t walk, run, you have nothing to feel guilty about because you were the one deceived! I’m truly sorry you went through all that for nothing – shameful what lies can do to someone. This is on him! NTA
Get rid of this fucking liar. On top if it, he’s berating you! No way, girl. Kick this single-balled, cumless man to the curb. Let some other sad sap be his maid and mommy.
You don’t need his permission to divorce ( if in the US, yet, so hurry).
Info: What country do you live in? Is he legally allowed to refuse divorce
Yes he lied to you and forced you to go through the medical procedures knowing it wouldn’t happen. Also, he allows his family to make his decisions, do you want a lifetime of this.
Wasn’t it apparent he only had one testicle? Did he have an implant? Just a question
The fact that he AND his parents kept this from you and your family and then continued to lie to you by omission coupled with his anger and refusal to be remorseful for what you went through… all that would be a dealbreaker for me. And most religions would agree with you that you have the right to walk away from this marriage since he withheld this cornerstone information from you.
He and his family entered into the marriage with you fraudulently. Maybe you can get it annulled ? They lied by omission a detail that is a huge reason people get married in the first place, to have children! He knew you wanted children, his family knew and they all knew there was a zero chance yet they let you keep hoping and subjecting yourself to pain. I would not give them any of that dowry or gifts back because they lied to you and took something from you that you can never get back again.