I 33M have been with my girlfriend 32F for just over a year.
She had a FWB 35 M just before we started dating. She stated there wasn’t much of a spark for her and he was too immature plus did not want a relationship, they had kayaking in common which is what drew her to him.
Anyway I thought we had an amazing time together this past year, we have a bunch of hobbies in common, we seem to have similar goals and I was looking forward to our future.
She is currently on a career break taking some time exploring, running, just out in the wild y’know. I couldn’t come with her the full time due to my work schedule, but was happy for her to get this time.
She asked if she could meet up with her FWB whilst there as they have stayed in touch due to mutual interests, to do some kayaking. I didn’t think too much of it to be honest and thought I trusted her.
She’d met up with him two separate times over this break prior to me meeting her. Since then she’s been talking about him a lot, keeps bringing up ‘funny stories’ and since then has been texting everyday since. She also appears to be hiding her phone a lot. I asked her if anything happened and she got super defensive and angry.
It also feels like she’s pulled back from me the past few weeks.
Just not sure what to do from here. I’m hoping it’s all in my head but I’m worried I’m being naive.
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If she’s not cheating yet, she will be soon.
Spending time with a person who isn’t you doesn’t indicate cheating.
Talking about him so much, hiding her phone, and being defensive, on the other hand, is a red flag.
I’m sorry to bear bad news, but I don’t think this is all in your head. =(
I think if she was cheating, she’d be more discreet than mentioning she was hanging out and talking about him with you. But I could be wrong. It is my natural instinct to trust people until I get solid reason not to.
If you trust her, then there’s nothing to worry about. If you don’t trust her, then why date her at all? Yes, it is always possible your partner is cheating, but entering any relationship under that assumption is a miserable way to live.
All the signs are there, but there’s no proof. I do believe the gut always knows in these situations. Maybe ask to meet this person, but not to interrogate them, but just since they’re friends.
Check that phone. You can find deleted messages by going to iMessage, top left, click on edit. It’ll let you recover deleted messages
It is amazing what one will accept as normal behavior in a relationship. I would not be able to trust a person in this situation what situation ever. Maybe all is good on her end but you know the guy was hoping for one more romp. Personally find it disrespectful to give you reason to doubt and him a reason to hope. Not relationship material.
Why were you OK with all of this man? You’re not getting a life reward for being the nicest guy ever. This is like naivety and lack of boundaries met and had a child. I’d bet money that you would find very uncomfortable stuff if you start digging, will be dumped or listen to the “It was only one time, I made a mistake, I’m sorry, I’m finding myself” at this point.
Pull the plug as soon as possible. It doesn’t matter if she says you’re insecure, controlling, yada yada, every excuse in the book for making you feel bad for your boundaries.
If she didn’t, she’s certainly flirting with it. If she’s going to cheat, there’s absolutely nothing you can do to stop it. She’s going to do what she wants to do. You have to decide if you trust her or not. If you don’t trust her and you really do think she’s cheating, then you don’t have a relationship. It’s already over.
It’s tough to say. I’ve stayed friends with former lovers that I wouldn’t be interested in rekindling things with.
You’ve chosen the words “cheating” and “girlfriend,” which suggests commitment. Talk to your partner, share your insecurities, and see how the conversation goes.
Make sure you’re careful about not being accusatory or combative.
She’s cheating, even if emotional cheating, sounds convenient for her to have two men in her life that fills voids.
Give her a void of your own and leave
You should be honest with her.
“Listen, GF, the way you’ve been acting since you’ve started spending time with FWB has really damaged the trust in our relationship. It’s not acceptable to me. I need trust in my significant other. You know I love you, but love just isn’t enough for me. As I see it, the following are the options available to us:
(A) If you want to tell me something now and start with a clean slate please do. I pledge to do my best to move forward without prejudice so long as I see an honest and concerted effort on your part to rebuild the trust in our relationship.
(B) If you maintain that nothing happened/is happening with FWB then I’m going to need some tangible reassurances of that.
(C) If you just have nothing to say / don’t feel at all interested in easing my discomfort and hurt over this (the discomfort and hurt of someone you profess to love and respect) then I don’t see a way forward for us. It will hurt, but it’s better you tell me now before we carry on as is (ie. living a lie and constant humiliation) and my life is devastated over emotional/physical infidelity sown the road.
Importantly, attempts at handwaving this situation away and calling me controlling / paranoid is not productive and I’m informing you now that this is tantamount to choosing option (C). It will be interpreted and responded to as such.”
If you have any issues with her hanging out with him, clearly communicate that.
Honestly, I think most people would not approve of their SO hanging out with their former or current FWB.
You can tell her you are worried where this is heading and you don’t think it is wrong to have some boundaries with this guy. If she downplays your feelings or ignores you that would be another red flag/nail in the coffin.
A lot of people might not agree, but what were you thinking? However good he was, of course she’s going to say there was no spark, and she said herself that the reason she wasn’t with him is was only because he didn’t want a relationship. And hooking up is exactly what you do with a FWB.
All the obvious signs…sorry OP.
Tell her,” texting another guy almost everyday that you’ve hooked up with is disrespectful; needing his permission before I join an activity- like you’re on a private date with him; hiding your phone; and when I brought up my concerns instead of showing care for my feelings you got defensive, like something to hide and needed to shut down the conversation. All this has made me doubt my trust in you. I’d like to see your phone, if you don’t let me look then we’re done because I won’t stay with someone i don’t trust.”
If look on her phone and it’s all innocent conversation, no romantic photos, then talk about her cutting off contact with this guy or at minimum no longer hanging out alone with him.
so she jumped from being married to a FWB in record time and that didn’t strike you as strange?
Time for a new gf
There’s a lesson in your story I hope you understand what happened and how you also contributed to it happening. Good luck on the next one bro keep your chin up!
>”She asked if she could meet up with her FWB whilst there as they have stayed in touch due to mutual interests, to do some kayaking. I didn’t think too much of it to be honest and thought I trusted her.”
Bro, she pretty much asked if you mind if she go gets peen’d down again and you agreed.