So, for context, we were invited to a family event and on a whim, I (27F) decided I was gonna go get my nails done after work. Now, I get off of work at 4pm and the nail salon I went to is across the street from my job.
It was so last minute that I didn’t even think to let my (30M) husband know. So, when he text me around 6pm that he was wrapping up and will be heading home soon I replied and said, “okay. I think you’ll beat me home. I’m getting my nails done.” He said okay and that was that. About 15 minutes later, I texted him that I was on my way home.
I passed by a convenience store and I remembered he drank his last beer the night before so I turned into the church parking lot that was behind the store to turn back around and get the beer. I wanted to surprise him so I didn’t say anything. Well, as I was getting ready to make a left turn, traffic pulled up and I was stuck there for 5 minutes. Then, I got the beer and went home.
As I was walking into the house, he walks up to me and I show him the beer. I was all smiles and excited to surprise him. He asked for my phone and I handed it to him along with the beer. I went to the bathroom, thinking the vibes were off. He didn’t even give me a kiss hello. Didn’t even say hi. I walked back into the living room and went to put the beers in the fridge since he just left it on the table. I turn around and saw that she was looking at my Google maps to see where I’ve been. I question him and he asked me why I was at the church parking lot for so long. He wasn’t yelling or anything like that but his tone waa very much angry. I was scared. I told him about how I remembered he was out of beer and I pulled into the church parking lot to go the the store that I passed to pick it up.
He wasn’t satisfied with my answer and so I played out my day hour by hour. He then says he thought I was sucking dick in the parking lot for money. Since I had mentioned all the bills were paid, he assumed I was broke. (I pay all the bills and he pays rent. We have separate financials) He’s been married before and his ex cheated on him so I empathized with the fact that my actions and secrecy triggered him. I apologized and he just said he needed time alone. He chalked it up to coincidence and said he’ll get over it.
But I can’t let it go. It stuck with me that he assumed that about me. That I would ever be capable of doing that to him and I told him that it hurt my feelings. I told him that I felt like he didn’t t trust me. Like why would you jump straight to that of all things.
He doesn’t get it. He apologized but it wasn’t sincere. It was mostly to end the conversation. I dropped it as it was late and I get up really early for work. I still don’t know how to feel about it. I asked him if this was like projection or something and he said no that he’d never cheat on me. Which made me even more upset because it’s like okay but you think I would? When have I ever given you any reason to think that I would? He said never so fast.
Any advice is welcome.
I forgot to mention that this was a throwaway account.
Edit to add: I did only fans in college when I was living in my car and had to survive. I didn’t do it for long because despite me covering all my bases to hide my identity, some guy found out the college I went to and stalked me. I paid good money to scrub myself off the site which was easy since I wasn’t that popular yet. But yeah. It never went beyond the Internet and I never met anyone in person. This is what fueled his assumptions. He only knew about this because the stalker came around when he and I were on a date and I wanted to be transparent with him. I was very upset that he threw this in my face since this was almost 7 years ago.
I would also like to mention that this has never happened before and was way out of character. He’s usually very open about things. Almost to a brutal level. He’s very blunt and I appreciate it since I have autism and I’m not great with identifying nuances or sarcasm. But sometimes he’s just plain mean and I call him out on it any time his jokes get to that point. I told him that I don’t think I can get over this. I can’t be okay with what he thinks about me and the fact that he would accuse me of this when I have done nothing but love him. I have made an appointment to talk to a therapist and I’m going to suggest he does too.
Comments
Instead of asking clarifying questions with an open mind, he jumped to the most degrading possible explanation. That says more about his mindset than about anything you did.
That’s a wild ass conclusion to come to for being late coming home to “sucking dick for money in the church parking lot”
What is going on in this dudes head
“He then says he thought I was sucking dick in the parking lot for money.”
Am I tripping or is this a HUGE deal breaker?
How can you possibly stay married to someone who says this to you?
If this is true, ESH. Him to you, you to yourself for staying with him
Your husband needs therapy. Jumping to the conclusion that you’re giving bjs in a church parking lot for money is insane, especially since there was evidence of fresh nails and the beer you got him. He was wrong and should have sincerely apologized. NTA, but your husband is
Why are you with someone who could think such a horrible thing about you?
NTA, that’s an absolutely unwarranted jump for him to make and if that’s what his mind went to first it says volumes about how he thinks of you. You deserve better
NTA. F*** that accusation. Totally baseless and uncalled for.
If you were cheating, would you have come home with his favorite beer and given him your phone? Aren’t most cheaters very secretive about it? Tell him to learn to use his words and talk with you about his concerns instead of massively jumping to conclusions.
NTA you did nothing wrong and it’s okay to be hurt by the accusations. It’s not fair for him to accuse you with no evidence because of his insecurities. Unfortunately we’re all human and past trauma can spill over into other relationships. It doesn’t make it okay, but this is his issue to fix, not yours.
What a wonderful relationship you have.
‘He then says he thought I was sucking dick in the parking lot for money’ when you were actually buying him beers….?!
and you’re still WITH this…..THING….?!!!
You don’t need Reddit, you need some serious therapy and to learn about boundaries, self worth and self respect…..
either that, or spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells and paying for this asshole’s ex’s cheating, which I’m beginning to think is perfectly understandable.
What a tool.
What the hell? Is this real? I mean one thing is cheating but
“”He then says he thought I was sucking dick in the parking lot for money””
What?????
So in five minutes you’d found a client, serviced him, and got paid? I mean, I’ve had some quick draws in my life, but that’s still an insane assumption over five minutes of traffic. How controlling is this guy? If I’m five minutes later than I said I’d be I don’t think my husband would notice, let alone jump to such a bizarre conclusion. And you APOLOGISED? For what? If something as innocuous as a 5 minute detour can set him off, what can you possibly do about it?
Dude needs therapy – INDIVIDUAL therapy. Do not go to therapy with this guy. My spidey sense is tingling here.
Why did you apologize? You did nothing wrong. This is when you INSIST on therapy for him and as a couple or you get divorced. This will only get worse.
Girl I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this inappropriate and disgusting behavior. You were scared. Automatically not normal. He thought you were cheating in a church parking lot. And then he essentially called you a prostitute for getting paid to suck dick. You’re NTA. He needs to go to therapy. Saying that you’re doing a sexual act for money is incredibly disrespectful.
I mean… ya see like… is he a meathead or something? Like does he suck at verbal communication in every other form?
Because like, to me, if he had approached it as being just like, “because I was cheated on previously, sudden unusual and unaccounted for lateness or absences can still trigger me to worry about the worst.” Would at least have been sincerely voicing a concern. Would still require his own therapy to sort it out, but at least it’d be sincere enough to give him the benefit of the doubt in regards to keeping the relationship together.
But like hey it’s so objective that, “SUCKING DICK IN THE PARKING LOT FOR MONEY!” Is the wrong way to communicate that, it’s almost hilarious. Not laughing at you. Laughing at your man who sounds like he learned the English language from Andrew Dice Clay.
Get em caught up to a 12th grade communication skill, or if it isn’t an issue communication skills I’d probably just bail. Hell, bail anyway 🤷♂️ you’re not a fuckin’ language arts instructor.
That’s a bizarre conclusion to jump to. He’s not healthy and treating you poorly because of it. He needs help.
NTA-He then says he thought I was sucking dick in the parking lot for money
If a man ever said this to me I would have to leave him, because every time I remembered this I would be tempted to slap the lips off him for saying something like this to me.
He insulted you.
I would not give one f*ck about my spouse’s past issues if he would insinuate that I would give head in the parking lot. If he dared to think this way – we’re done.
Eeek. This whole story is giving me such icky vibes. It’s digesting. What an ass your lawfully wedded is.
Girl you need to pack your things and LEAVE. He sounds like a classic narcissist and gaslighter. You did absolutely nothing wrong and he went cookoo bananas on you for no reason. People like that never change. Run girl, it’s only going to get worse.
He didn’t say you cheated. He called you a prostitute.
u/bot-sleuth-bot
Look at it this way: you can do almost anything now, ANYTHING, and it won’t compare to sucking dick in the church parking lot for money. NTA.
Stop being an asshole to yourself! What secrecy? If he needs therapy to learn to trust fully then he should get that, but you don’t have to give him play by plays for your day to prove you weren’t ’sucking dick for money’?!?!?!? Who says that?!? To their partner!?!?
Updateme!
Updateme!
He didn’t just accuse of cheating he accused you of prostitution. He thought that you performed oral sex for money to pay the bills. That is far worse than him thinking you cheated. The fact that you had to apologise to him for his reaction is mind blowing. No accountability from him whatsoever. What did he need space for????? You are the wronged one not him. If he is not over what his ex did then he needs to see a therapist. What he did was unacceptable. You don’t need to tell him everything you do in a day that is controlling.
NTA, and boy did you’re did your husband go from zero to sixty. I did something similar with just a little more info and I was wrong. He needs to apologize and then explain what made him even go there, counselling is necessary, a disinterested third party. Accusing you of prostitution is gonna take a lot of explaining.
It is not okay for him to be hanging all of his baggage on you. If he can’t separate his ex from other women he hasn’t healed enough to be in a relationship
He called you a a wh0re.
NTA
What? You stop in a parking lot so your a sex worker? Omg
Seriously this guy is a problem.
Nta but seriously consider that he needs therapy to continue your marriage!! How the hell do you jump to your wife sucking d*ck for money because she was late.
He does not deserve to be let off easy for this. Turn around and ask for his phone, because he’s either projecting and if he’s not he needs the aforementioned therapy.
“If you ever accuse me of infidelity again, I will divorce you. I am not responsible for what your ex did, and you are responsible for working on your own fucking bullshit. I can barely stand to look at you right now, so I sure as shit won’t share a bed with you. Who sleeps on the couch is up to you, but I’m not the distrustful piece of shit here. Also, forget me ever doing you a nice favour again, you do not deserve my thoughtfulness”
The minute his mouth opened to say I was sucking dick, my hand would have flown so hard, and I would be out that door, not looking back. What a fucking ah. What a POS. Good God- I hope you have more respect for yourself, OP. ‘Cause that guy has zero respect for you.
NTA and be careful. He is letting his past influence his thoughts about you. he does not sound like he trusts you. how is that going to be any better if you marry?
You learned something very important today: That’s his opinion of you and always will be. He’s TAH, not you. You will only be TAH if you stay with him, and that’s because you will be hurting yourself.
Why do you deserve this behavior. Get out
You’re NTA at all. There’s no way I’d let that insult go. It’s time he go get therapy for his baggage, or you walk out the door. If he hasn’t healed by now and says crap like that to you when you’re what, ten minutes late??? I’d be packing a bag and telling him if he doesn’t commit to some therapy, I’m gone.
He doesn’t like you much.
He doesn’t trust you or respect you.
You loving him doesn’t mean much to him.
And it’s a trap for you to care for someone who doesn’t care about you.
Therapy will help you see that the guy THAT SCARES YOU is bad for you.
You deserve better.
NTA
>He then says he thought I was sucking dick in the parking lot for money.
That’s harsh. You have every right to be upset about this callous statement. Why was he so focused on you having an affair?
NTA. But this definitely feels like projection for the extreme accusation— sucking D in a parking lot out of nowhere. tsk He’s obviously perseverating on some kind of negative notion that he his not admitting to. I would ask to see his phone and history as well. Fair is fair. Or get a PI to watch him for a week. This has bad juju written all over it.
you don’t have to live like this, i promise you
Tell him, “If you ever accuse me of cheating again, we are done. I have not cheated, nor will I ever cheat on you. I suggest therapy for you”
Updateme
“I was scared”
That’s not a healthy relationship
You’re nta and you shouldn’t have apologized
NTA, but it certainly sounds like somebody has had his dick sucked in a parking lot for money in the past and is projecting? You even stopped to get him beer! I think you can do/deserve better.
NTA. I certainly wouldn’t be able to get over it. My husband and I often have days like this, where we’re doing things separately and/or take a bit longer than expected when we’re out and about. NEVER has either of us accused the other of cheating.
You don’t deserve this.
He’s the asshole. He has access to your phone, can track where you go. Obviously there is no trust to begin with. Doubt that ever gets better.
NTA your husband needs therapy to process the trauma of being cheated on. But honestly some of the people you’d least expect to cheat, end up cheating, so it’s less about what he thinks you’re doing, and more about the fact that he’s worried about having the wool pulled over his eyes again. I definitely wouldn’t take it personally as he could be married to a saint and still worry about cheating.
NTA, but I imagine his ex never gave him any reason to suspect either. How does one recover from that? Based on my experience, anyone is capable of anything for any reason. Do you think your past sex work makes him think the best of you. If an ex pedophile was a babysitter I dont think id trust them around kids. If an ex thief was cleaning my house I dont think id trust them around my property.
My suggestion is do everything you can to ease his suspicion. Make him your ultimate goal.(not that you aren’t already) Unless he asks for something ridiculous like sacrificing your left pinky to him. If that happens you arn’t safe, gtfo asap.
That or do what everyone else does and just leave. That’s always the easy choice if you can stomach it.
RUN !!!
Could it be he is projecting. It might be he’s cheating on you.
You need help with your self esteem. You are apologizing for …what exactly? Being thoughtful? Please get yourself to a safe place because this will only get worse.
Nta.. . Unless you stay and put up with that bs
Nta. This man is a walking red flag.what a horrible nasty disgusting man. Divorce him. You deserve better.
NTA I would be telling he gets therapy or we get divorced
this is the problem with men who have been cheated on and traumatized – they’d rather be an AH in every future relationship then go to therapy to deal with their trauma. Then they end up making several women’s lives shit because they can’t “just get over it”. They find themselves perpetually dealing with relationship drama because of their delusional thinking that they don’t even recognize is delusional, pushing away someone who genuinely loves them. They’re so delusional, they keep reliving the trauma over and over with every relationship.
NTA
girl, counseling right now for him and for you both as a couple…. or walk away. This isn’t going to get better.
I’ve been married a long time. I’ve been late a few times without calling. Never has my husband instantly jumped to assuming I was sucking dick, for free or for money. Not once.
Your husband showed what he thinks of you. Therapy ASAP.
🤔 So he went straight to assuming you might be sucking dick in a parking lot? That’s a big leap. Where does he come up with this assumption? Even with a short history on OF, it’s a big leap to assume someone is sucking dicks in a parking lot for money.
Something is wrong with him if this is his assumption. I get being a little pissed or worried, but to jump to those kind of conclusions.
Sounds like a guilty conscience, to me.
“my actions and secrecy”
you mean…
driving in normal traffic and parking and going to a store?
Those actions?
That secrecy?
Just….living in society like a normal human?
Do me a favor and imagine your best friend said this to you. What would you tell them?
Now add that your best friend’s partner accused her of SUCKING fucking DICK in a CHURCH parking lot!! at like 6pm?
Like…
Madam. Ma’am. Miss. Seriously.
And let’s not forget you only stopped to
do something nice for HIM
please get individual therapy, and if you want to stay with him, also couple’s. But individual is key because your self-image/ esteem is waaaay fucked up.
“But sometimes he’s just plain mean and I call him out on it any time his jokes get to that point.”
Oh no honey, mean jokes are never ever acceptable. You need to get out and be safe.
NTA – your husband’s a straight up psycho!!
NTA. This is not normal. And the fact that his ex cheated on him doesn’t make it okay for him to question you. He needs therapy to work through his issues. And you should trust your gut and not let this go without him doing work on himself.
My goodness. Why would you want to stay in a marriage like that? It must be hell if he constantly suspects you of cheating. I wouldn’t be able to get over it. If you don’t have children together, I might take this as my cue to exit.
NTA that’s wild. Makes me wonder if he’s feeling guilty about something and projecting it onto you.
You should end this charade of a marriage.
I don’t know
Normalize not blaming other folks for your exes’ cheating
Your husband hates you. And there is no need to over-explain yourself, abusers make their victims over-explain themselves as a tactic to make you feel inferior or like you have to prove yourself to them. If you told him to give you his phone, would he immediately obey like you did?
Every accusation is a confession. He’s paid for sex recently.
Yikes. Sounds like the beginning of an abusive relationship. Next you will have to check in with him, show him your phone when you get home, give him all your passwords, etc. You should escape now before it gets worse.
I would punch him in the dick and divorce him so fast. That is not okay and speaks to how he really sees you. Screw that. Life is too short to waste it on someone who doesn’t love you. NTA.
He’s begging you to leave. Oblige him.
You need to divorce him. You shouldn’t be scared of your significant other, OP.
Well, now you know what he thinks of you. If you stay with him, just understand that you’re actively choosing a man who doesn’t respect you.
NTA. Are you okay being degraded like this? It should be a real moment that gives you pause.
Ew.
Every errand from now on, no matter where you are going (grocery store, Dry Cleaners ,drugstore, gas station) should all now be “Going out to suck dick for money! Be back later!”
PS – did he bother to thank you for the beer?
He doesn’t respect you and he sounds like a control freak. You’re entitled to do adult things like getting your nails done. You don’t need to report every minute of your day. He’s got issues and needs to get help.
wtf
I hope you emptied every can/bottle of beer and told him to GFY. What kind of husband accuses his wife of ‘sucking dick in the church parking lot’ for being 5 minutes late?? Nah. He’s the AH, and if it were ME, he’d be a SINGLE AH.
NTA. If my husband accused me of sucking dick for money in a church parking lot, the marriage would be over.
Guy who has been cheated on marries a sex worker, of course he’d make that assumption.
Dude….like dude…..you brought him beer and his first thought was you whored yourself out in five minutes…
If I came home late the worse my hubby would assume is I brought home another plant, maybe some poultry.
Wow. He thought “you were sucking d!€k in THE CHURCH parking lot”. So not only does he immediately jump to you cheating but thinks you have no moral either?? Nope. If you don’t have trust in a relationship- YOU HAVE NOTHING. there’s nothing to build on. The foundation is gone. It doesn’t matter if someone else cheated on him- that was someone else. Not you. And most ppl have been cheated on at one point or another. But even before you got home- he was already thinking it- which is why he checked your phone. I couldn’t/wouldn’t live that way
He is cheating and projecting
I think you need therapy if you’re going to stay together or a separation to deal with this.
If this uncharacteristic for him maybe he’s cheating and projecting on you. NTA.
NTA. Makes me wonder if he’s getting his dick sucked in parking lots.
Why exactly did you apologize? You had nothing to apologize for. Your husband needs to have an “ex” by his name.
NTA I think you need to give him an ultimatum, you either go to couples counseling or a divorce lawyer. This won’t get any better.
“”Try not to suck any dick on the way to the parking lot” – Clerks
NTA except to yourself if you stay with this jerk. What did you have to apologize for? He is the one who owes you a huge apology for giving you the third degree and now silent treatment for absolutely no reason. Tell him he goes to therapy or the marriage is done.
NTA. He’s probably projecting.
This was always a disaster waiting to happen, on one hand u got somebody that got cheated on and that leaves a mark on you thats hard to get rid of, you start looking at people real different and on the other hand you have someone that did OF at one point which people can feel however they want about that but at the end of the day its degrading yourself for money.
The both of you can seek help for that but whether you’re willing to is up to the both of you, im not gonna tell you to just divorce like every other redditor that actually gives zero fucks about your marriage
Is he projecting?
To me there is no coming back from this. I am very sorry you’re going through this, OP.
NTA
This is a problem he needs to address in individual therapy. His trauma shouldn’t affect you like this. He shouldn’t be thinking that you are out giving bj’s for money in the church parking lot. You having over your phone without even thinking about him checking it for cheating is the biggest green flag ever and he should have taken that as the gift it was.
He needs to seek help or he’s going to destroy your marriage.
NTA.
Omg girl, wtf is wrong with your boyfriend!?
If I was late getting home or was parked somewhere unusual and my partner found out, his first assumption would be that I had car trouble. I feel like ‘sucking dick for money’ is not the second or third or 100th scenario he’d come up with. Your guy has some insurmountable issues, OP.
>He’s been married before and his ex cheated on him
Did she? Or did she just turn around in a church parking lot and he assumed she was sucking dick to pay bills?
I wouldn’t want to live like this. You’re NTA.
Couples therapy won’t fix this if he thought this from the get-go cause you were surviving and needed the money. You aren’t at that point of your life anymore. Frankly don’t think he ever thought highly of you, he probably thought of you like this the whole time. I really hope you don’t have kids with this guy but if you do then teach your kids that you don’t put up with this by leaving him and showing that it is okay to do this on your own. They won’t understand right now but they will when they are older. No one should stay and put up with this blame game of someone else’s cruel assumptions. He just flat out ignored the reality of what happened back then and what is going on now. You were literally just thinking about him and buying him beer, which he frankly could do without, he doesn’t deserve you.
I would be disgusted if my partner accused me of sucking dick for money in a church parking lot. It’s kind of similar to how asking the mother of your children for a DNA test turns off the love.
I think you are giving him too much of the benefit of the doubt. And I say this as someone who gives people too much benefit of the doubt
NTA – Obviously a bit of a jump to conclusion.
Is that church parking lot known for guys getting head from prostitutes?
Is there any reason why he would’ve had that suspicion otherwise?
I don’t think it’s out of the realms of possibility that someone who used to do sex work and suddenly pays a bunch of bills and is acting suspicious, no matter how innocently, might be thought to be doing something to make ends meet.
People who do sex work, OF or even escorting, sometimes become very transactional. And it seems likely they could fall back on it if they need the money.
However, if you’ve never given him a reason to think anything like that, I’m not sure why he’s jumping to those conclusions or unless something else suspicious going on.
Maybe he’s doing something and projecting
All this effort to cover up your cheating
He sounds nice. /s
I hope you have a contingency plan for when you’re sick of this bs.
If my hubby said he thought I was doing that in a parking lot he could go pack up his crap or I could toss it out on the lawn for him.
You forgot to text him, so he accuses you of being a prostitute.
NTA, but you need to leave. He doesn’t respect you.
Maybe I’m paranoid, but I’m picking up a smidge of financial abuse too. The fact that you paid all the bills so therefore you should be broke…? Does he try to limit your activities in other ways?
My first husband was like that. This won’t change, he won’t change, you can’t fix him. Either accept that this is your life and you will need to account for each and every second of your time for the rest of your life, or find a way out. Again, this will not change. It will just get worse.
Wtaf; he assumed you were not just cheating but “sucking dick in the parking lot for money”?
I’d be so pissed if I were you. You did him a favor (if you split bills, he should buy his own damn beer) and this is how he treats you?
Then YOU apologized for triggering? OP are you okay? Is this a pattern? He’s being very effing abusive. He’s holding you accountable for what his ex did, you did nothing to deserve his bullshit.
I’d never stay married to someone who spoke to me this way.
NTA