My friend Sarah (29F) is married to David (32M), a very traditional, loud and proud, “all-American” type. They have one son together, and she has a daughter from a previous relationship. Sarah is a stay-at-home mom to both kids, while David works out of town for weeks at a time, often with very little time at home between projects.
When David isn’t drinking, he’s a great dad and partner. But once he opens that first beer, things spiral quickly. Sarah has stayed at my place more than once because of his behavior during these binges. He can be destructive until he passes out, often multiple nights in a row, and has even urinated in bed afterward.
Most recently, after one of these episodes, she kicked him out, changed the locks, and said she was done, talking about divorce and everything. He left for a week-long work trip, and I stayed out of the situation. But when he returned, it seemed like they had reconciled. Sarah told me he hadn’t had a single drink since being back.
When I visited her recently, I found empty beer cans around the house. I honestly don’t care if he drinks; it’s not my marriage, but it makes me wonder if Sarah hasn’t noticed them or if she’s telling me something she knows isn’t true. I just want her to know I love and support her no matter what.
ETA: He had only been gone a few hours, and she had been busy with school. The cans were outside in a burn pile. She wouldn’t see them unless she parked there, which she doesn’t, or if she had taken any boxes to burn, which she hadn’t had time to do. So there is a chance, albeit a small one, that she genuinely hadn’t seen them yet.
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My friend Sarah (29F) is married to David (32M), a very traditional, loud and proud, “all-American” type. They have one son together, and she has a daughter from a previous relationship. Sarah is a stay-at-home mom to both kids, while David works out of town for weeks at a time, often with very little time at home between projects.
When David isn’t drinking, he’s a great dad and partner. But once he opens that first beer, things spiral quickly. Sarah has stayed at my place more than once because of his behavior during these binges. He can be destructive until he passes out, often multiple nights in a row, and has even urinated in bed afterward.
Most recently, after one of these episodes, she kicked him out, changed the locks, and said she was done, talking about divorce and everything. He left for a week-long work trip, and I stayed out of the situation. But when he returned, it seemed like they had reconciled. Sarah told me he hadn’t had a single drink since being back.
When I visited her recently, I found empty beer cans around the house. I honestly don’t care if he drinks; it’s not my marriage, but it makes me wonder if Sarah hasn’t noticed them or if she’s telling me something she knows isn’t true. I just want her to know I love and support her no matter what.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I would be the asshole because she didn’t ask my opinion about it. The only reason I even consider it is understanding if I’m being lied to outright.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
She knows, trust me. If he has major problem with drinking it’s probably a point of contention in their marriage. I’m sure she can tell, even when he thinks he’s doing it in secret.
The truth is being the partner of an addict is a roller coaster ride and recovery is messy. She’s probably going through more than you realize and would rather keep it private. Just continue to be there as a friend and have an open door. She’ll talk if she wants to, but until then don’t intervene, unless you feel like her or her child is in danger
YWNBTA But be prepared for the consequences, whatever they may be. Personally, I think I would want to know that my friend is looking out for me, even when it comes to very difficult issues. I would also want to know if my partner is breaking my trust.
But I don’t know Sarah. She might have a bad reaction, at least initially, and might choose to lash out at you. While I think it would probably be the right thing to do, there’s a non-zero chance that your friendship with her could end by telling her, at least for a while. Be prepared for that.
YTA (but it depends on the circumstances)
a better course of action could be to talk to him and give him a chance to realise how much he is disturbing his wife. you dont have to though, he might get a little prickly. idk what he is like
i will say though, if he gets dangerous when he is drunk, maybe you wouldnt be the A hole because it could prevent an accident or an attack
OP You’re absolutely NTA.
If I was her, I’d want to know. She clearly had to leave him due to his drinking, and she should be aware that he’s still continuing to drink; it’s scary for her and the son as well, considering that he has violent behavior.
You would be the TAH OP, to your friend and your friend’s son if you didn’t tell her.
“hasn’t had a drink” and “sober” are two different things. Unless and until he can out loud commit to sobriety, this isn’t going to stop. Even then it can be a rocky road. I know there are a lot of mixed opinions on AA, even from people who go, but it really can help especially in the beginning. He needs to admit that he has a problem and stand up and say so.
It’s likely that she’s aware of the beer cans, if you’ve seen them I’m sure she has as well. I think it would be ok to bring it up. Focus it on the wanting to be there to love and support your friend part. Ask her how things are going. I would encourage you to encourage her to pressure him to get help. I’ve been in her shoes and she shouldn’t have to live that way and neither should her children.
If you found multiple empty beer cans in a single visit, why do you think she hasn’t noticed all those beer cans in her own home?
Girl she knows she’s not ready to let him go
If you saw the around the house she definitely did. There is no need for you to point it out to her. You be confronting her for her liedls, not outing him.
If there are beer cans “around the house” she is in all the time, wouldn’t one assume she sees them and knows he’s drinking? Do you mean the cans are outside the house and he sneaks out to drink them? Either way, she would smell it on him even if she didn’t venture outside to see the evidence. She knows. I would leave it alone.
Ask her if you notice her husband drinking in the future does she want you to tell her. Take her cue from her.
But given his past behaviour it is unlikely he only had a couple beers and stopped. So it’s possible those are old cans or her beers.
Either way you should stay out of it unless asked.
She knows. But, a friend or other third party stating the obvious is often one of necessary impulses to accept the reality.
When others dont talk about it, it is harder to take action or think about it. When they do, it pushes you.
So, tell her, but dont exactly expect much
I don’t think you need to tell her. She probably knows and she could resent you for it. This isn’t uncommon.
YTA. And mind your own business.
As someone who used to date an alcoholic that frequently lied about his sobriety- good chance he’s still drinking, but also a good chance those are left behind from past benders. Even when he wasn’t living with me I was unearthing empties for weeks (albeit the state of the house wasn’t ideal during the times he was present so that might have been a side effect of how long it took to clean everything up)
That said, I’d ask her how she’d most like support from you then just wait until she leaves. Leaving is hard when you think someone will judge you for staying in past, so it’s best to just be supportive and ready for when you’re needed. If he’s drinking, he isn’t going to be able to conceal it from her. And if she isn’t ready to leave, it isn’t something she’ll likely be convinced of until she decides on her own she’s reached her true and final breaking point.
Stick to the facts – “just FYI, I saw beer cans in the burn pile, they might be old, but I just wanted you to know”.