So here’s some backstory. My best friend (28F) and I (25F) have been close for about 10 years. We first met in a treatment center where she was staff and I was a client. She became the one constant in my life, and even after I got out, we stayed connected.. we’d call every night. Over time, life happened and we drifted a bit, but recently we’ve gotten close again. We talk all the time, and she even introduced me to her new boyfriend.
Her boyfriend honestly isn’t a bad guy, he’s nice and treats her well, which she needed. But he’s… a bit immature. Think: the adult who orders chicken strips at fancy restaurants, pouts when he doesn’t get his way, and needs coddling. He’s also on the spectrum, which adds another layer.
Anyway, about two months ago, her boyfriend pulled me aside and said he wanted to propose. I was excited for them and said I’d help with the planning. At first, my best friend caught on and made reasonable requests about where she wanted it to happen. But then every week she’d change her mind about the location, the setup, or the “theme.” Each time I’d have to scrap the previous idea and start again.
Then it got weird. She told me I needed to tell her boyfriend to fix his cough before the proposal because she “didn’t want it to ruin her moment.” When I asked why she couldn’t just say that to him, she told me she didn’t want to make a big deal out of it… but apparently it was okay for me to?
At this point, all of my conversations with her boyfriend were basically one-sided. I’d message him with her instructions, he’d read it, but never actually contribute or say what he wanted. Eventually I told her that I was happy to help, but I wasn’t going to plan the entire thing for her fiancé. That’s when she got mad, said “Fine, I’ll do it myself then,” and blocked me, not just on her main number, but even on our emergency contact lines.
After a couple days, I texted her boyfriend just to let him know she blocked me, and then she unblocked me to send this:
“Just to make you aware. I planned my own proposal. He was grateful someone did all the details because his brain doesn’t work like that. He wanted someone to plan most of it and tell him what to pay for and what to do. He said he was frustrated because you weren’t helping him like he thought you would. He loved the football idea but wasn’t sure where to stay or where to buy tickets and shit. He has a direction and a plan now, he’s doing all the fine-tuning. Thanks for nothing tho. ✌🏼”
So basically, she wanted me to not just “help” but to fully plan and execute her proposal for her fiancé while pretending it came from him. I genuinely thought I was just there to support, give ideas, and help out, not to be their event planner.
Side Note: I responded to her message by calling her fiance incompetent.. Like what’s gonna happen in the future when he has to plan other things?
AITA for not doing it all for them?
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So here’s some backstory. My best friend (28F) and I (25F) have been close for about 10 years. We first met in a treatment center where she was staff and I was a client. She became the one constant in my life, and even after I got out, we stayed connected.. we’d call every night. Over time, life happened and we drifted a bit, but recently we’ve gotten close again. We talk all the time, and she even introduced me to her new boyfriend.
Her boyfriend honestly isn’t a bad guy, he’s nice and treats her well, which she needed. But he’s… a bit immature. Think: the adult who orders chicken strips at fancy restaurants, pouts when he doesn’t get his way, and needs coddling. He’s also on the spectrum, which adds another layer.
Anyway, about two months ago, her boyfriend pulled me aside and said he wanted to propose. I was excited for them and said I’d help with the planning. At first, my best friend caught on and made reasonable requests about where she wanted it to happen. But then every week she’d change her mind about the location, the setup, or the “theme.” Each time I’d have to scrap the previous idea and start again.
Then it got weird. She told me I needed to tell her boyfriend to fix his cough before the proposal because she “didn’t want it to ruin her moment.” When I asked why she couldn’t just say that to him, she told me she didn’t want to make a big deal out of it… but apparently it was okay for me to?
At this point, all of my conversations with her boyfriend were basically one-sided. I’d message him with her instructions, he’d read it, but never actually contribute or say what he wanted. Eventually I told her that I was happy to help, but I wasn’t going to plan the entire thing for her fiancé. That’s when she got mad, said “Fine, I’ll do it myself then,” and blocked me, not just on her main number, but even on our emergency contact lines.
After a couple days, I texted her boyfriend just to let him know she blocked me, and then she unblocked me to send this:
“Just to make you aware. I planned my own proposal. He was grateful someone did all the details because his brain doesn’t work like that. He wanted someone to plan most of it and tell him what to pay for and what to do. He said he was frustrated because you weren’t helping him like he thought you would. He loved the football idea but wasn’t sure where to stay or where to buy tickets and shit. He has a direction and a plan now, he’s doing all the fine-tuning. Thanks for nothing tho. ✌🏼”
So basically, she wanted me to not just “help” but to fully plan and execute her proposal for her fiancé while pretending it came from him. I genuinely thought I was just there to support, give ideas, and help out, not to be their event planner.
Side Note: I responded to her message by calling her fiance incompetent.. Like what’s gonna happen in the future when he has to plan other things?
AITA for not doing it all for them?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I called her boyfriend incompetent for not knowing how to plan his own proposal. And the fact that I set a boundary with my best friend stating I was gonna help but not do the entire proposal. I have seen other people’s posts where they help surprise their best friend with a proposal but most of the time it’s because the future fiance ropes the best friend into tricking their best friend the day of, not because the want the best friend to PLAN the entire proposal
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You’re definitely not the asshole. Helping out with some ideas is one thing, but being expected to fully plan and execute someone else’s proposal is way too much to put on you. It sounds like she wanted you to take all the responsibility without being upfront about it, which isn’t fair. You set a reasonable boundary and it’s not on you that she reacted poorly to it
NTA You can breathe peacefully and deeply now that the drain on your energy is gone. Block them both.
NTA. The only time you are required to plan a proposal is if you’re proposing to someone.
That said, there’s nothing wrong with ordering chicken strips. They’re on the menu for a reason.
…were you also supposed to assume all his husbandly duties for him? NTA
NTA. This is absurd.
I was all NTA up to that sidenote.
You’d done enough back and forthing, adapting, and futzing to merit backing away with the poor communication you’d been receiving – your friend knew her fiance would want/need more assistance than you might usually expect (down to the idea for location/flowers/timing/music…) and might’ve deigned to explain what you were really volunteering for. It’s not like this was a secret.
So you retreating is reasonable… then you take that shot. There’s a line between self-preservation and being unkind.
ESH
If you were 15 and in a live-in treatment center, a member of staff had no business becoming so close to you that you had nightly phone calls at discharge. I’m not saying staff don’t care about patients, at all, but becoming the one rock you have just isn’t healthy. And if she was 18 and staff, it’s not like she would have had significant training in the root cause for your treatment. Especially with how she is now treating you. Please distance yourself from her, but continue to do the things you need to do to stay healthy, mentally and physically.
NTA, why on earth would it be a woman’s friend’s job to plan the whole staged fake proposal thing for the woman’s BF?
I say “fake” because here’s the thing that bugs me more generally:
If a person says to their romantic partner, “Hey, let’s plan a big event where I ask you to marry me,” and the partner agrees, then guess what? That conversation was the marriage proposal and the acceptance, and the planned event is some staged social media BS.
NTA
I was tempted to go with e s h, because you never should have been involved in any way – but clearly you were trying to help.
This woman should not be getting married. The idea that a proposal has a theme and is planned out in this way is terribly sad and bodes so poorly for the marriage. The idea that this crazy proposal should have been orchestrated by a third party is even crazier. They are not ready for marriage and adulthood.
ESH
Friend was being completely unreasonable and not communicating clearly. You were fine until you called her fiance incompetent. Serves no purpose. If she’s telling you all the things she intended for you to actually do, she’s well aware of his level of competence. Regardless, insulting someone is rarely the right response.
NTA. That’s a friend who’s gone ridiculous.
Nta , it’s not your fault her boyfriend brain doesn’t work like that , and he was not capable of doing something he plan to do , you are not handler , your so called best friend is going to HATE life with this man if she continue coddle this
NTA. Sounds like this friend and her boyfriend have the same maturity level. Watching them plan the wedding will be interesting…
NTA…I don’t get this whole place, time, THEME. What happened to just having a nice special moment?
I’m sorry but this woman is a walking red flag. She is staff who kept communication with a client in a nonprofessional way after treatment. That’s unethical.
Autism doesn’t automatically explain his unwillingness to plan a proposal. She could have guided him to Pinterest, or other websites. He could google it.
Let her stay blocked
INFO so did she also help him deal with his cough?