Second account because my Gf follows me on main. I (26) M and my gf (24)F have been together for 3y. We met through mutual friends. We come from different backgrounds. I grew up upper middle class and she in a working class family. We get along great most of the time, as we have similar hobbies, beliefs, and interests.
For some background, I work in finance, while she works in HR. She makes about 60k a year while my income brings in the high six figures. We live in a small apartment in a good area but pay little in rent (my aunt is the landlord). The household expenses are divided equally between us, and I pay for any outings, vacations, and splurges.
I love to budget. It’s an obsession. I have spreadsheets. I budget to the last dime. I am naturally frugal, not out of avarice but more because I was raised that way. I spare no expense when I treat myself and my loved ones, but I do not throw money out the window. The money I’m saving up on rent is going to buying my dream house and our wedding.
We discussed finances early on in the relationship. I made it clear that I would not be paying entirety of household expenses until we get married. I believe that a man must provide for his family if he is able to, and I am aware of the immense privilege that is to be able to do that in this economy. However, due to bad prior experiences in relationships, I insist on not paying fully for a gf, as we are not officially and solidly committed yet to insure that the connection is genuine and not a way to get my money.
Here’s the issue. I work from 40 to 80 hour weeks depending on the time period. I have to come home very late most of the time. Our apartment is small so we do not hire a maid. My part of the chores is left undone, and I often have to do laundry, vacuum late at night. It is exhausting to me, but I know it is fair and I never complained.
Today, gf asked me if we could talk seriously about the future. I expected her to bring up marriage and kids, but she surprisingly said that she feels like I am financially abusing her by making her pay half, and that contribution should be proportional to our incomes. That would mean I would be paying for more than 90% of everything. I did not like that she referred to our situation as abuse when we have discussed and agreed to prior to moving in together. I said that I would only agree if the chore division was proportional to our income as well. This started a screaming match. She accused me of being misogynistic and belittling her work.
I feel like my request is justified. She works 9-5 at a desk job with little stress while my hours are endless. I want to come home to a clean house if I’m footing the bill.
She went to stay with her parents. This argument is making me question the entire relationship and her character. I am hurt and frustrated. I feel like I’m being taken advantage of in some way. I feel ashamed of even talking to anyone about the situation. advice is needed.
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^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
Second account because my Gf follows me on main. I (26) M and my gf (24)F have been together for 3y. We met through mutual friends. We come from different backgrounds. I grew up upper middle class and she in a working class family. We get along great most of the time, as we have similar hobbies, beliefs, and interests.
For some background, I work in finance, while she works in HR. She makes about 60k a year while my income brings in the high six figures. We live in a small apartment in a good area but pay little in rent (my aunt is the landlord). The household expenses are divided equally between us, and I pay for any outings, vacations, and splurges.
I love to budget. It’s an obsession. I have spreadsheets. I budget to the last dime. I am naturally frugal, not out of avarice but more because I was raised that way. I spare no expense when I treat myself and my loved ones, but I do not throw money out the window. The money I’m saving up on rent is going to buying my dream house and our wedding.
We discussed finances early on in the relationship. I made it clear that I would not be paying entirety of household expenses until we get married. I believe that a man must provide for his family if he is able to, and I am aware of the immense privilege that is to be able to do that in this economy. However, due to bad prior experiences in relationships, I insist on not paying fully for a gf, as we are not officially and solidly committed yet to insure that the connection is genuine and not a way to get my money.
Here’s the issue. I work from 40 to 80 hour weeks depending on the time period. I have to come home very late most of the time. Our apartment is small so we do not hire a maid. My part of the chores is left undone, and I often have to do laundry, vacuum late at night. It is exhausting to me, but I know it is fair and I never complained.
Today, gf asked me if we could talk seriously about the future. I expected her to bring up marriage and kids, but she surprisingly said that she feels like I am financially abusing her by making her pay half, and that contribution should be proportional to our incomes. That would mean I would be paying for more than 90% of everything. I did not like that she referred to our situation as abuse when we have discussed and agreed to prior to moving in together. I said that I would only agree if the chore division was proportional to our income as well. This started a screaming match. She accused me of being misogynistic and belittling her work.
I feel like my request is justified. She works 9-5 at a desk job with little stress while my hours are endless. I want to come home to a clean house if I’m footing the bill.
She went to stay with her parents. This argument is making me question the entire relationship and her character. I am hurt and frustrated. I feel like I’m being taken advantage of in some way. I feel ashamed of even talking to anyone about the situation. advice is needed.
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> Demanding that my partner does most of the housework in exchange for my handling most of our expenses is what should be judged. I might seem like the asshole since I make significantly more than she does as I work a lucrative and often time consuming job. I feel like she is asking me to shoulder the financial burden without at least trying to lighten the domestic load.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NAH but the difference between 60K per year and HIGH six figures per year is insane, I think it’s understandable to have a conversation about the financial split. I also think it could be fair to discuss the chore break down based on number of hours worked (although not income imo) but I wonder how you went about this conversation – it sounds more like a point brought up to be petty in response to her financial discussion, not a true conversation you wanted to have.
Idk you both sound exhausting.
Chores should be divided by who works longer hours so you both can spend your free time together…. NTA … She can consider the money she is saving as payment for doing chores if it makes her feel better…
The idea that the man should pay for the wife is misogynistic inherently.
Her issue with the financial inequality and your issue with doing chores are separate issues. The fact that you see them as connected goes back to the misogynistic view that man make money woman clean.
You say you are doing this for your future together, but you will still have those savings if the relationship ends, so it does serve you more than her.
YTA. There are so many red flags about you as a partner in this post. I hope she finds it and dumps you.
Okay… Why is someone with an annual salary of the better part of a million dollars living like such a miser? That’s my question.
NTA. A big red flag. If she wants to renegotiate your arrangement, that means you both get to do so. The abuse accusations are also pretty alarming. I’d rethink the relationship.
ESH. She was not wrong to ask you to pay a greater share, because you are more able to do so. However, given your previous conversation, she should not have asked you to pay 90%, nor should she have accused you of financial abuse. And you should not have proposed penalizing her for her low salary by telling her that she should do more chores. Really just nasty all around, probably not on purpose. IMO each of your offenses was saying something a stupid/wrong way, but not actually reflecting poor character.
If she does more chores, it should not be about the money at all. It should be about time and ability. If she’s working 40 hours per week and you’re working 80, that is the only reason that either she should do more chores (in the weeks that you’re working longer hours) or that you should hire a maid. It is ridiculous to expect you to come home from work late at night and start doing laundry or whatever.
And I think it’s reasonable to reconsider each of your shares of the rent. Ideally you can each share your thoughts, concerns, wishes, etc., without accusing the other person of anything, and work out a solution that works for all. Such a solution is within reach. Good luck.
Soft YTA. Bills should be divided proportional to income, or some other reasonable plan. If she is making 60k, and you are making high six figures, it is cruel to be splitting equally. If you are working 40 hours, you should be splitting chores equally. If you are working extra, it might be reasonable to hire someone to help. You make enough.
YTA your girlfriend is right in everything she said.
Everything in a relationship can’t be ‘fair’ . If you are making 200000 per year and she is making 80000,but both of you are paying the exact same towards the house, is that fair? Conversely, if she has more time at home due to work schedules, she should consider doing a bit more chores. See. The explanation is you have the excess of money, you contribute more. She has the excess of after work time, she contributes more in that area. Now you don’t have to make it a percentage to percentage thing. That sounds so transactional. But if she is sitting at home a few hours while you work, she can do a few things. On your off day, you might give her a break and not pull the tired excuse. It takes compromise and not being so mercenary.
Bro. Leave her where she’s left at. You’re a smart guy. Realize you get nothing out of keeping her. She gets everything out of keeping you.
She makes 60k and your high six figures means what? 800k? but the household expenses are divided evenly… She has a full time job, you have a full time job. She makes less than 1/10th of your salary, literally less every month than the interest of your salary in a high yield savings account or a very low risk investment, and you’re still making her pay half of all the expenses.
You do you, but when I made 5x the salary of my bf, he didn’t pay for a single thing we did together, because what was an easy small amount to me was a carefully budgeted amount for him, and it was simply not fair to make him pay half when it didn’t make much of a difference to me.
If you want to come home to a clean house, use your high six figure salary to hire a housekeeper. YTA.
NTA – You were upfront about your financial boundaries before moving in together, and she agreed to them. That’s not financial abuse—that’s an arrangement you both consented to. If she wanted proportional contributions from the start, that’s a conversation that should’ve happened before the lease was signed, not three years in when she suddenly changes the rules.
Your counter of proportional chores is perfectly reasonable. If one partner is covering the vast majority of expenses, it’s fair for the other to contribute more in other ways—especially when your work hours are brutal and hers are fixed 9–5. That’s not misogyny; that’s equity.
Calling it “abuse” when it’s actually a mutually agreed-upon setup cheapens the meaning of the word and sidesteps the real issue, which is that she no longer likes the deal she agreed to. That’s fine—people’s needs change—but it doesn’t make you wrong for sticking to your terms.
I’d rethink the relationship if I were you.
YTA
Need more info- are you living in an apartment based on her salary or yours? If you are living cheap than keep what you are doing. If you’re living on your salary, you begin an asshole
So you grew up upper-middle class and you still don’t know how to make a post with paragraph breaks?
I bet your finance bros understand the concept of pressing the damn enter/return button so internet strangers you are so desperate to find validation from can actually read your entire post
Red flag, NTA.I feel like the whole proportionate rent mentality is a modern day social media trend from TikTok/Instagram that’s been weaponized by women masquerading as feminists. It’s not wrong to want proportionate splitting, but it’s all situational. You mentioned that your rent is low, and so thats a reason to expect that the lower earning partner can make a bigger contribution. Proportionate rent makes more sense if you as the high earner were demanding a more expensive lifestyle that partner couldn’t sustain.
My wife and I lived together when we were dating, we split rent 50/50 back then. She made $40K back then while I earned 5X. She was the one who insisted on 50/50 because she never wanted to feel like she was being financed through life. Our income doubled since then and we both live in 4300 sq ft dream home now. Your partner’s accusations of financial abuse are asinine.
INFO:
Given that you make 10x what she makes, are the bills current divided in such a way that she can save a reasonable amount of her income?
I fully agree with her that in a marriage bills should be split by percentage of income.
I also fully agree with you that a gf isn’t a wife and the same arrangement doesn’t necessarily hold there.
However… Is she currently spending her entire paycheck keeping up with her half of the bills, or is she able to save a decent chunk of money herself each month after y’all split stuff?
Because if not, then she’s subsidizing the type of lifestyle you can afford and she cannot, whether or not you think you are being frugal.
BTW, chores for married people should be split such that you both have an equal amount of leisure time left over after work and chores. Again, don’t think that’s appropriate for bf/gf. But if you’re picking up more of the bills and making her life more comfortable she should be willing to do the same thing for you.
NTA as long as 1. The conversation about expenses was actually a real discussion and not an ultimatum 2. You do pay for extras- dates, vacations etc due to your higher income. 3. For me the reduced rent from your aunt matters, but only if it’s a place your GF actually also wants to live.
I would also feel uncomfortable splitting expenses commensurate to income early in the relationship, but after 3 years it might be time to renegotiate.
Info: what actually is your income? It sounds like you could well afford a maid.
But that you equate having more money than her to mean that you don’t do chores is gross. Chores should be done so that both parties have equal spare time, and not parceled out based on income levels.
Also, proportional costs according to income is more fair when there is a substantial disparity, which is what it seems to be here.
The way she acted for that entire conversation should give you serious pause. She wants to take, but not give. Think about that.
If you have to negotiate to get her to clean she’s not it.
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Ok the split is unfair but the way she came at you about and calling it abuse right off the bat in my opinion was manipulation. If she’s had many talks with you about the split in the past and you weren’t ever agreeable or willing even to discuss then yes that is abuse . The chores she works less hours I don’t see why she can’t do more chores if you’re paying more it balances things out . To be honest tho I kinda think you’re both the ah for the way you two handled this .
High six figures and still posting an eye sore wall of text? 🫣
Just get a helper if you’re making high six figures. Your time is worth so much more than that. We pay a cleaner $200 to come in once a fortnight to clean our place. At your price point, is it really worth a second thought?
ETA you both suck, here is the best compromise if you decide you want to suck together long term. 75 – 25 expense split and chores split proportional to work ie she takes on a few extra chores depending on how busy you each are that week. You both seriously need to work on compromise and work as a team. To be honest, living together before marriage doesn’t really work if you don’t.
NTA, but might be incompatible- Although I can see her POV in that she makes significantly less money and considers paying a smaller portion to be fair, I don’t agree that you’re financially abusing her and I think that’s been a term thoughtlessly thrown around so long that it’s lost its real meaning. I think you also have a point that you work longer hours than she does. Maybe the chores shouldn’t be 50/50 and, as a woman, I don’t think it’s sexist or misogynistic to negotiate that she do more chores if she wants you to be the financial person. In the end though, the issue are 1) she misusing “financial abuse” and should apologize for that, 2) I think she should apologize for storming out instead as of having a rational conversation, especially since she’s the one who brought up the need for change in the first place, and 3) you need to fully think it through if you want a future with her. You said in your post that you’re saving money for, “MY dream home.” You didn’t say “OUR,” which you said the wedding was “OUR,” but not the house. This makes me think you aren’t actually fully considering her in your future afterall.
NTA
the people in here piling on you are hilarious. She should get a free ride financially and just sit and wait for you to get home after a sixteen hour day and do chores?
Why would you take that deal?
You have more money. She has more time. Fair is both of you using your resources to improve each other’s day.
it also sounds like rent is already a steal through your family connection, and you’re paying for the eventual wedding , all vacations, and she won’t work when you’re married? is that all correct?
And she thinks you’re abusing her?
If she’s dramatic like this now how will it be moving forward?
YTA. In a couple, the higher earning partner should not use their wealth to get out of chores. Fewer chores for whoever is working more hours is OK, but not to the extent you asked for. If you really can’t come to an agreement, hire a housecleaning service.
You’re being taken advantage of. You made it clear about how finance would be prior to marriage. She wants the financial benefits now.
Hard pass.
NTA. I’d dump someone who thought I was abusing them. What is the other option?
I’m all for proportional time contribution. In fact, I’m happy to handle money either way, but time is a more precious resource and if you are working 80 hours while she works 40 it seems really unkind to divide household chores evenly.
I think I would need more information. How different is this split causing your lives to be? You say you pay for all of the vacations/outings/splurges. Does this leave her in a position to not be able to afford any fun extras and she just tags along on yours? Is this leaving her in a position to have zero savings if you were to split while you admittedly have a very comfortable cushion? Is this allowing you to pay down debt while hers accumulates interest? I’m not saying any of this is necessarily your responsibility but if you love her and you see a future with her, maybe it’s something you want to consider.
Also, your division of household labor already truly 50/50?
I will be unpopular. NTA. Your gf would be paying more under any other arrangement. Either she would be responsible for all the rent. Have a roommate so the rent is split evenly. She’s getting a deal that the rent is low because your family owns the unit. You pay for outings, vacations & splurges. Both of you should do your own laundry. Pick another chore up to replace doing her laundry.
Hire a cleaner and stop being a miser.
I mean I don’t believe a word you said about yourself in this post but even if this is true – YTA. She’s completely right. If you outearn her up at least by double, the household expenses and how they’re paid should be adapted to that. Meaning, you pay more – WAY more.
Obviously YTA
ESH – Find a new partner this is obvious incompatibility
What does highs six figures mean in this context. Because to me it would be more than 600k per year. Sharing expenses in a healthy relationship would be proportional to income.
Lets say I make 600k and she makes 100k. The total income is 700k. my income is about 85% and hers about 14% of the total. From this, I would pay 85% of our shared expenses and she does 14%. So If our shred expenses are around 5000 (rent, utilities, fixed food budget, pets, etc..), I’d pay about 4200 and she does about 700.
If you do not agree with this, sorry but YTA.
YTA. You feel like you’re being taken advantage of? You make SO much more than her and you’re making her pay 50/50. That’s ridiculous. You absolutely should be splitting the finances based on your incomes, or at least closer to it. I hope she dumps you very soon.
If you’re paying for all of the outings, vacations, and your half of the bills where is all her money going?
She’s not your maid and doesn’t have to do YOUR chores because you pay for stuff. Also.. if she does have to work in exchange for rent you are no longer providing. Shit she’s working for you.
Your mistake was framing chore contribution as proportional to income vs you contributing an equal amount to the success of your household. If you pay 90% of rent, she is benefiting from the extra 20-40 hours of work you do each week compared to her. Her doing an extra 10 hours of chores is beyond a reasonable expectation. My partner and I are In a similar situation in terms of income disparity. I work substantially more hours than her at my job and she picks up substantially more of the household labor. The success of our household is predicated on the different but significant contributions we each make.
OP, I’m married to someone like you. My loving husband is frugal by nature and very stingy. He makes sure nothing is wasted and is a great financial planner. So in a way, I know how it feels to be with someone frugal.
When we were dating, we were 50-50, even when he earned more than I did. He was in tech, and I was in marketing. I liked 50-50 because I have pride and don’t want to owe any man. It worked well for us.
For our chores, I did most of the chores and only asked him to empty the trash bin—it was my choice. My partner has always been loving, even when we were 50-50. I love “serving” him—making his food and prepping his clothes legit brought happiness to me.
We’ve been married for ten years, and my husband never once shouted at me- that’s how good he is. And after we got married, he started paying for everything. He never made me pay any bills or asked for my salary. To this day, we have not fought about money- because we are both frugal and love each other more than money.
In my eyes, if one is demanding proper division of expenses, it would be fair to adjust the division of chores, too. But you phrased it so poorly: “proportional to income” rather than “proportional to availability or schedule or workload” or something along those lines.
Unsolicited talk:
OP, from my experience, frugal people like us would only be happily married or in a relationship with someone equally or more frugal than we are. Do her financial habits match yours? I can promise you, we frugal people would be very agitated if we married someone who doesn’t know how to handle money.
And if you are in the position to hire a maid, do it. Make your money do chores for you so get to relax at night.
It’s also essential that your partner understands what you do- working in finance is mentally taxing, draining, and very stressful, especially when you watch the stock market tank.
And when you decide to get marry (to anyone), please get a prenup.
Slight AH, just purely for word choices. but if a girl is demanding equal pay proportional to salary, it should be expected that chores will be divided depending on availability and workload.
NTA its the immediate escalation to saying it’s abuse that alarms me. You should be able to have a discussion with your gf/wife about ‘I’d like a little more help with ___” “ok, great I’d like a little more help here”. It’s pretty standard and ongoing to have these discussions. Mostly you should both want to help each out in the ways that you can without such a battle. The fact that she isn’t willing to help you back in some way and made it so confrontational is a huge red flag to me.
People here are weird, never come to reddit for any advice.
Anyway, NTA. You both agreed to the terms when you moved in, you pay for all the fun stuff, and now she wants you to pay for more.
Money is a cause for a ton of problems in relationships, stand your ground. If she wants you to pay more, she should do more to cover for it.