I have a 14 month old daughter. She loves her grandma (my MIL). She (my MIL) is great with her and I have no problems with her.
My problem is with my grandmother in law. She is rude, and has treated me like an incubator since I was pregnant. Just the other day when I went over to my MIL, my GMIL was there. I said hi, she ignored me while first gushing over my daughter. I said hi twice and she ignored me until she was done saying hi to my daughter.
She has ignored boundaries and given unsolicited advice. She also has a history of physical abuse.
I am okay with her being around my daughter while I’m present, but not while I’m gone.
My problem is this – I would like to go swimming two or three times a week. I’ve tried using the childminding at the gym/pool, but my daughter doesn’t tolerate it. So my next option is to leave her with my MIL for the >2 hours I’m gone.
However, her mother (GMIL) will randomly show up without notice.
Am I unreasonable to ask that she do not have her mother around while I’m not present? I know she would not let her do anything abusive like hit her, but I’ve been witness to her weird narcissistic and passive aggressive behavior towards my daughter, and it rubs me the wrong way. I’m not sure my MIL notices tbh. I’m worried my GMIL will talk badly about me as well, because I’ve been told of her doing that too.
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Other posts from /u/gitgudgigi:
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You can request, but she is well within her rights to say she will make her own decisions in her own home.
Can you swim while your husband is home from work?
If I were in your shoes, I would either find another option or give up swimming temporarily. I am very protective over my kids’ energy and environment, and I do not tolerate toxic people being around them, even if they don’t directly affect them. I want to build positive influences on them during this vulnerable time.
With that said, I think it could very well ruin my good relationship with the MIL if I made this request, which isn’t worth it – having MIL on my side is paramount. I don’t have that option available to me so if I were you, I’d be careful before I risk burning that bridge. I don’t know how your MIL wouldn’t be offended by a request like that.
I know finding self care once becoming a parent is tough, but if leaving LO with your mil means she’s going to be around a physically abusive great grandparent, then I think I’d find another person to mind your daughter or wait until LO is in nursery school.
OP, GMIL in law is a rotter. You Want your kid to be safe, swim at night when your SO covers child care or hire totally different child minder.
Edited to add OP your GMIL is a very problematic individual on reading your previous posts.
Again, I urge you to hire independent unknown to your spouses family child care.
My grandmother in law is like this also. However same with my MIL they are all a long list of generational rudeness. I’ve since blocked them both from my phone. Grandmother in law was EXTREMELY demanding and was also really rude at my LO’s 1st birthday. It was the final straw for me. We since have pulled back even more, and will remain at a distance and they can contact husband, not myself.
It is not unreasonable for you to ask that GMIL not be around your daughter. Your MIL might decline.
I wouldn’t trust that your MIL will follow that directive. I would find another way. You are just asking for a problem by hoping she doesn’t show up.
Can MIL watch her at your house? You will have an easier time setting the “No grand mil rule” in your own home.
If GMIL has a history of showing up randomly, then it’s likely she will show up on an occasion MIL would be watching LO. I don’t think MIL would ask her to leave. I think this would cause a big rift in your relationship with MIL. She may try to be understanding about it, but that’s her mother and it’s bound to cause resentment. If your relationship with MIL is good and that’s important to you, I wouldn’t risk it.