UPDATE:
Thank you for your kind responses! I ended up just biting the bullet and speaking to DFH, and I said “what is she expecting here because she never spoke to me about this and want to know what her expectations are. Whilst I appreciate the gesture, I would feel more comfortable researching/selecting the artist, delivering and paying for the artist myself/ourselves.”
He responded saying that he would make sure she knew that this was the case and it would be the boundary set, so it looks like I don’t have to worry anymore.
This would mean she does not touch anything to do with it at all, and the decisions/money poured into the order is mine and mine only. We could technically then just put her money into our joint account!
Also, don’t worry, I’d never let the bouquet out of my sight!
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Please don’t share this post.
I think I am feeling this way because of the way JNFMIL has acted in the past, so all my spidey-senses are screaming, but I’d love to hear your opinions on this.
So JNFMIL is the kind of person who still sees her children and her children, not the full and amazing adults they have grown into. She parentified my DFH, so their dynamic is very complex. He still loves and needs his mom like every person does, but fully acknowledges all her faults. She’s a person who only feels validated when being seen as a mother, and will say “oh let me pay for this” and then act the victim having to spend a lot of money when she goes to pay.
She’s also baby obsessed, and she has already stomped on my FBIL/SIL’s boundaries when it comes to their child. For their child’s sake, JNFMIL is allowed to have a close relationship with very rare alone time (which I personally don’t agree with because she’s fed the child something without their approval without knowing of any allergies, so what else could she be capable of? But they’re not my child so it’s not my decision).
My DFH defends me against her tactless comments, and keeps me away from her as much as possible. I do wish I could be fully NC, but she has this thing where she’ll create drama but then treats everyone just well enough for forgiveness and to let her back in. It’s frankly very annoying. It feels like such a thin line, and she never does enough to actually justify giving her the boot permanently. The cyclical nature of it frustrates me the most, because she always seems to toe line by a hair.
She did once create a drama to the point where we nearly cut her off, but surprise surprise, she wormed her way back in by acting right just enough to keep her in the family’s good books. It’s back to “normal” again. She’s tried to suck up to me a little bit but I’m not having it, and I’ve maintained VLC. I think it’s too late for her to even try after being with my DFH for a decade and she barely even tried to get to know me properly. Anything she does know is through DFH telling her directly, or leading the conversation about my life when we’re both with her (and it just ends up being a talk between he and I). She basically sits there pretending to be all interested and does really ask any questions. Then she wonders why I hardly speak to her, and complains that I “must not like her very much” because of it. Wow. I’m sorry but if you actually wanted to get to know the woman your son is MARRYING, you should have put in way more effort, because now I’m done trying.
I’ve also received comments like “thanks for LETTING me take my son out”(I have never prevented my DFH from seeing his mom, nor does anyone need my permission to spend time with him, he is his own man!!) and “can’t I just keep my children”. It makes me want to scream. The rest of the family just puts up with it because it’s “just the way she is and there’s no changing her now, she’s set in her ways.” which is just another way of enabling her crappy behaviour.
Our wedding is coming up next winter, and I think I want to get my wedding flowers preserved. I’ve not looked at all the options yet, but DFH love the idea. We have expressed to everyone that their attendance on our day is more than enough of a gift to us, but if they wish to gift us something we’d love a donation towards our honeymoon. I know you’ll have mixed views on this, but we’re not begging for money or anything like that. We already have a home together with everything we could ever need, so we’d rather our guests not waste their money on something we’ll never use, and don’t like the idea of a gift registry.
Now I don’t know when this conversation happened between DFH and JNFMIL, but we’re were looking at putting more art up in our room, and I said that a particular spot would be great for my bridal wedding flowers. He then proceeds to drop out of NOWHERE that apparently JNFMIL “will be paying for it”. She never even talked to me about this?! Never struck up the conversation with me about any of it! She’s previously toyed with the idea of getting a wedding present (all ideas have been stuff we won’t use, big shocker there), and I’ve tried to shut this down gently, but noooo she’s insisting that just HAS to get us a present because it would make HER feel useless, despite our request. I must have made a face because DFH tells me “I know, but she’s insisting and at least this isn’t some random crap we’ll end up throwing in the garbage.”
I feel cornered now, because I don’t think I have a reasonable response to that. The only thing I can think of to do is to say eff it I’ll sneakily press my own damn flowers between some book pages, but then I’ll feel as if I’m the horrible one who’s acting all ungrateful. It’ll give JNFMIL some ammo to play the victim again.
I feel like I have two options: take the L and accept but then have to look at those damn flowers know her manipulative smug ass paid for them, or try and press them myself risking the quality and acting like an utterly ungrateful B.
What do y’all think? I am overreacting here? Should I just be grateful for the gift and move on? Or do something else? I’m at my wit’s end!
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This has so many layers to it.
She didn’t discuss this with you. This is your bouquet not hers to insert herself into because of whatever bs she’s spouting.
You can just tell her no that she can’t just take over you preserving your bouquet.
You’re an adult she can’t just take over and tell you she is doing this.
If it feels off it most likely is.
She doesn’t get to make herself “special” by giving you a gift. You’ve already told your guests what it is you’re interested in and if she doesn’t feel like that is good enough then she can get you nothing.
You will definitely hate it if you let her preserve your bouquet for you and like others mentioned she will most definitely make the whole thing miserable for you and all about her.
Just get it done yourself like you planned. If it comes up just tell her that it was never an open option for her to take control of.
Honey, you pick the vendor and exactly what you want. And make sure it’s expensive. Don’t you dare try to go cheap or not get exactly what you want just because MIL is paying. Then tell MIL that this is what’s what and if it’s more than she wants to spend you certainly understand. Have MIL pay the vendor directly if it works out.
TBH, as a MIL X 4, I’d be all for gifting something like this. Take full advantage and don’t give it a thought. Just make sure to get exactly what you’d order on your own.
Best wishes on your marriage!
I’d rather get random crap you have to throw away from someone like that than have to look her gift every day. Pay for it yourself and have your husband insist she not get a gift.
I would think about her and her pushiness every dang time I looked at those flowers. It would be a constant reminder, and they would be ruined for me. It would be a tangible reminder of MIL stomping all over my boundary and my husband not having my back.
Tell her you’d love her to use the same amount of money for something honeymoon related. Luggage? Fun excursion? Upgrade to lodging?
She’s being manipulative. Either shut it down (“We’ve already arranged it!”) or let DH deal with her fallout. Don’t let her hijack your wedding memories.
Tell them both no!!! If she wants to give you a gift, FH can tell her to contribute to the honeymoon fund or no gift period! This is a hill to die on! Get your flowers preserved the way you originally intended. She can’t pay for something she has no details about!. It’s not about her. This is your wedding, your day, not some costume party intended to let her run the show! Now is the time to set them both straight!
my biggest fear would be that her paying for it means she would want to facilitate it personally – picking the artist, the design, the frame/box, all of which I would hate! Frankly I would trust something so precious (and something I would keep forever) to absolutely no one but myself.
Have DH tell her “no thank you.” That’s it. No explanation needed. And that’s the important part. Give her absolutely nothing, nada, zilch. not one morsel that she can argue with or try to talk you out of to get her way. And this brings up a good point for all future interactions – never JADE (justify argue defend or explain). and gray rock the shit out of her.
Can you tell her you’re mother already said she would be paying for them? Or your best friend? Or that your best friend is doing it for you as a wedding present (and then still get them done where you want).
Maybe try sitting your partner down and explain that this is something you want to do yourself because it’s personal and meaningful for you. Look into something that you really want to do on your honeymoon, couples massage or dinner at a certain place she can pay for. Then have your partner tell her what her gift options are. Maybe do it together so she can’t have any wiggle room around it
Nope. She wants to put her imprint on it some way. Tell her you’ve already made a reservation with the artist/vendor and prepaid for it. Edit to add if she wants more detail, just tell her it’s all taken care of. If she digs, “It’s going to be a lovely surprise.”
“You know what, though, FMIL, anything you’d like to donate to the honeymoon fund would be awesome! We can even bring you back a nice thank-you gift that DFH will pick out just for you!”
Your FDH needs to stop telling his mom about things important to you so she can’t intrude and ruin your plans. Grey rock her about wedding plans. He can talk to her all he wants about himself, but tell him to never mention to her anything you’ve said that you would like to have or do. That way she can’t butt in.
Explain that the flower project is something deeply personal to you and you wouldn’t trust your own mother or best friend to have it done the way you envision. She can pay for an activity for your honeymoon instead.
Don’t let that bouquet out of your sight at the wedding, if she may take over the preservation activity. I would go so far as to have a similar UT decoy bouquet so if she does get her hands on it, it’s not wrecked. She complains about not getting your bouquet? ‘MIL I was just so worried about my wedding bouquet I had two made. Thank goodness you got the back-uo one and the actual one is preserved’
But research preservers very carefully, there seems to be lots of awful services out there.
She sounds like a lot of work.
That smug BEC also gave you your husband— but you don’t look at him and think of her, do you? I imagine, after some time, that bouquet will hold nothing but good memories for you. Even if she paid for the preservation.
I’d pick my own preservation person and book it myself, then tell her who to pay. Absolutely have a backup, just in case!
Just casually say to her, “Thank you for such a sweet gesture! I’ll send you the invoice once I’ve picked a company and get the work done.” That way you still have full control over your flowers, and she can feel “useful”.
I wouldn’t accept the offer to pay for the preservation of your wedding flowers. You may never see them again after you give them to her for preseration.
Sounds like your JNFMIL’s got an angle. You’re right to feel uneasy. Talk to your fiancé, set boundaries, and make it clear you’re handling the flower preservation. Don’t let her overstep.
You’re not overreacting, she’s trying to buy a permanent piece of your wedding so she can point and say “I gave them that” forever. Glad you set the boundary, because otherwise it’d be her flowers on your wall in her mind.
Not being unreasonable. Look into wooden flowers. My daughter had them, & omg they were absolutely stunning. No need to preserve them