I have a new baby and my relationship with my MIL is non existent. I’ve always been nice and kind to her but since having a baby early (MIL stormed into the birthing room after we explicitly told her she wasn’t invited) , a month in the NICU, and navigating a tough PP, my MIL has never one time reached out to me. Not to ask me how I am doing, how the baby is doing, or say she wants to see the baby. Never. She only communicates to my husband and acts super shady and spiteful that she doesn’t get to see the baby as much as she wants. She comes over once a week on average.
We are going to dinner tonight and I want to be armed with some good one liners to combat her snarky comments about not seeing the baby. I don’t want to be too direct and rude but need a good way to say “you never reach out to me so you can’t be mad you don’t see the baby”… TYIA!
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So I’m as full of sass and sarcasm as the next DIL, but to be honest with you, the best weapon is to ignore it. Do not give her a response. Do not let her get a rise out of you. Pretend you don’t even understand what she’s trying to passively aggressively say. It drives them crazy.
I wouldn’t bring it up. What if she decides she wants to come over more? Do you really want that?
my thought would be to handle it with consequences. and those consequences do not need to be in the moment (like a snarky comeback).
For example: If MIL makes snarky, guilt tripping, gaslighting, manipulative or otherwise mean statements, I will limit contact (fill in whatever you want, such as I will not be going to dinner with her or I will not be available for any visits at our home to visit baby without my husband present, engaged, not on his phone, and actively enforcing boundaries).
I know you say you want her to reach out and even be over more often, but is that really what’s best for your mental health, your baby, and your marriage? I’ve been where you are wanting a better relationship with my in-laws, but reading toxic in laws – loving strategies for protecting your marriage by susan forward really helped me to let go of my expectations, to accept my in laws for who they were, and to move on. Fast forward 20 years and we are VLC – which makes me very happy!
Good Luck, OP!
“Maybe if you reached out to me, we’d find a way for you to see the baby more often.”
Honestly husband needs to handle this one.
The first time she complains, husband can offer to check both of your numbers in her phone, since neither of you have gotten her messages about seeing baby.
The point is very obviously made without anyone being nasty, and all you need to do is smile and nod.
“Oh, I didn’t realize you knew how to text me, thought that was only for my husband.”
If someone had stormed into my birthing room after being told not to, they wouldn’t meet my baby until my baby was old enough to give them a well deserved slap across the face.
Ya know what? 🤔
Once a week is WAY too often for you to be near me. I think once a year has a nice ring to it. How bout you Sharon?
She ignored your husband’s instructions to not come in the birthing room and stormed in? She never checks in or reaches out to you, yet comes over weekly? And you’d be agreeable to more? Does the bar getting any lower? I would recommend reading up on healthy boundaries.
If you have different expectations, we can discuss that if you’d be more direct.
“Why not ask your son since it seems that your phone is incapable of storing my number”
“Maybe you are contacting the wrong person about baby’s timetable”
Your husband should be the one who shuts her down, especially since LO’s appearance earthside was so traumatic.
She couldn’t even show any genuine care towards you and was only concerned with her own selfish wants, trampling all over the needs of your family.
I have to question how much she now wants to see LO since, I am assuming, has her own phone and your number. She could easily contact you about when it would be convenient for her to visit, and if there was anything she could pick up for you on her way over. She is choosing not to do that.
Rather than a one liner, how about a song:
Reba McEntire – Why Haven’t I Heard From You
“The time we spent together prior to pregnancy is the same relationship that continues after LO’s birth.”
If you want to go the “nice” route: “We’re just waiting for your schedule to clear up. Why don’t you let husband know your availability?” Followed by “MIL, we said you could come over if you’d just ask. I’m uncertain where the miscommunication is.”
If you feel a little snarky: “Are you sure baby wants to see you?”
“MIL I was so sorry to hear your fingers were broken….oh….. they’re not? You do know that the phone works both ways and unfortunately for you both my hands are full taking care of a newborn”
>I want to be armed with some good one liners to combat her snarky comments about not seeing the baby.
“How odd, I think we see you far too much.” Then let her think about that for awhile. If she demands to know what you mean say, “exactly what i said.”
You’ve got a LOT of firsts coming up with baby, do you really want to waste your time and energy on this woman every. single. week. ?
“MIL you are welcome to visit – but I haven’t heard from you at all to arrange it?
I’m petty though, and Id go with:
“Honestly Karen, because of your actions I had assumed that you didn’t want a relationship with me at all. But now I am hearing that you DO want a relationship with my baby? You sound very upset about it – why is that?”
Make her explain herself.
My go to is, “Well, the phone works both ways.”
I’m a petty Betty…….
I’d lather rinse and repeat, “I haven’t seen a text from you or fielded a phone call in months. Not sure what you’re talking about”
Say that with a look of PURE innocence and repeat that we’re using our words to make sure we all understand what’s going on
“I hadn’t really noticed that you never contact me, no. Why?”
Nah, who wants to be around a person like this. Clearly you’re not friends and will never be. Once a week is enough. Just ignore the comments. act like you don’t hear them.
“The phone works both ways.”
“You’re saying you never see the baby? Is that really what you prefer? Does that mean you’re wanting to cancel these weekly visits then?”
“do you need me to write my number down for you?”
See my MIL says these things but the problem is I was the only reason she saw us because DH never followed up on plans. So after I was accused of “keeping LO from their family” and other issues I said okay bet and I just let her keep complaining and see us even less because now plans only get scheduled through DH. I don’t recommend saying anything that would indicate she should contact you directly unless you really want that. My go to is usually some variation of “yupp, we’ve been busy!”
I wouldn’t invite contact from her. Ignore the comments and ask someone to pass the bread please.
MIL: I never get to see the baby.
” you do know that means you actually have to physically come and see the baby”
Or
” You wanted to see the baby? Never said a word to me about it”
Or
” you wanted to see the baby? Really? You never took any interest before”
Or
” oh you remembered I had a baby….I’ve not heard from you in so long I assumed you forgot”