Well so I had posted this on other subs before but reactions were pretty rude so I‘ll shoot my shot here with advice.
My crush I‘ll call Adam and I go to the same college. We are in the same friend group and I have had a crush on Adam since May. Adam would always do little stuff like remember what I like and make jokes about it, send me funny reels or tell me about his hobbies etc. And I figured we two just clicked. We would always sit next to each other in class and while studying and such.
Well I liked Adam for his little gestures and he was really sweet. He‘d drive his parents and siblings around, was really nice and generous and just a good human being. He‘d always sit next to me in class, crack jokes with me, sometimes walk me to my bus stop. We go out to eat for lunch sometimes while studying and sometimes he brings me to my train stop. He also always makes sure I am comfortable and when someone or something bothers me he tells them to stop or does something so I feel comfortable. Naturally, I‘d fall for this sweet guy I met.
Around late June – July though I had a hunch he‘d like this girl I‘ll call Bea. Bea is pretty I have to say but thats it. Generally speaking she isnt a good human being. There were mutliple instances of her toying with multiple guys at once and her not feeling any shame, belittling them for being creeps for „showing interest in her“. Literally every guy. Adam would always sit in the same building as her and near her. Not next to her but so that she can ask questions when needed. And well she does a LOT.
Ever since he is staying there he changed a lot. He has gotten way more ruder (saying stuff like his sister is annoying him for having him drive with her to school, not caring for when his family needs the car for appointments), he started smoking (like Bea, he earlier said he doesnt like it but now says he finds it hot) and he is way more pushy. Just qualities I in general didnt like and thats when my crush on him started to die a little.
A few days back I got the confirmation that he likes her. I was in a vc with him an two friends Theo and Stan when I feel asleep. When I woke up I heard Adam say he has interest in Bea. I said what and they immediately shut the topic down. I chatted later on with Theo since he is a great judge of character and even he told Adam that Bea isnt a great person and that Adam tries to make excuses for Bea. I told him about my crush story (which he doesnt know is about Adam) and that he shouldnt make the same mistakes I did with justifying mistakes just because. And I did that because I know that Adam wont really talk with me. Theo said he will tell him that.
The next day Adam avoided me and the day after Adam was pretty normal to me. But still whenever the topic of crushes came around he‘d stop talking about it when it came to him. When it was about me he said „You never tell me anything…“ which is true because well obviously its about him. I paraphrase it but apparently thats not enough.
Well at 5AM it were my friend Rose and him in the call since I just left. And Rose tried the entire day to get Adam to tell her his crush and he did shortly after I left. Rose was friends with Bea but they had an ugly fallout which was totally Beas fault as per all our understandings. But Adam again tried to make excuses by saying „Well she invited me to go with her/She wants me to get her coffee/She needs my help studying“ and just generally saying that she is nice to him and because of that its fine. He isnt seeing the red flags like her toying with guys or insulting everyone she meets to fit her narrative of her being the good one. When I joined at 6AM again, Adam immediately left after his discussion with Rose ended abruptly.
So I know Adam avoids talking with me about this topic. I dont know if its because he isnt sure if I know his crush or because of whatever else. But the thing is I would like to ask Adam why he is doing that but I dont know how. And my even bigger problem is that I once overhead Bea and her friend talk about Theo and Adam. Bea said that Theo and Adam were devils and that they are only good for helping them study to pass exams, else they are trash. And I dont know if I should tell Adam that. I just dont know why he avoids the topic with me so suddenly and if I should tell him what I know or not. And I definitely dont plan on confessing that would just be plain stupid when he likes someone else and I am starting to get over him. But I still care.
Any advice on how I should deal with this situation? How would you?
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Girl….. This is drama over nothing. Let Adam have his crush. Nothing you do or say is gonna make him dislike Bea (it’s only gonna make him dislike YOU for trashtalking someone he likes). He doesn’t need saving.
If you wanted your crush with Adam to go anywhere, you should’ve asking him out back when you were first interested.
Don’t fall into a badmouthing contest with people better at it.
Tell Theo if you want, and let people make their own mistakes. There will be plenty of sweet guys you don’t have to walk through a social minefield for.
Just take your shot the next time while you have it.
What exactly are you trying to accomplish here? Figure that out first and then you’ll have your answer about what to do.
Do you want to date Adam? Ignore the Bea situation and ask him out.
Do you want to warn him about Bea? Honestly, if you don’t have the kind of friendship already where he discusses these things with you, it’s going to come across as way too overly involved. I doubt there’s a way bring this up yourself without coming across as extremely petty. Adam has already been warned by other friends, and while it’s kind that you want to protect him, you cannot control what he does. Sometimes you just need to accept that people are going to make the mistakes they’re going to make.