Three years ago, my (43F) husband (43M) had an affair with a family friend, the affair lasted a year and he came clean about everything to me, all the details and told everyone, it was like he was having a full midlife crisis. Imagine telling your elderly parents that you’ve been sleeping around? IT was all so uncharacteristic of him. There was a lot of back and forth with whether he was going to leave or stay and I was of the mindset that we could get through it, that our love would win us through and we’d gotten through tough times before, we could get through it. Us having children was a big motivator and I thought long and hard about how this could impact them, in the end I felt us working to rebuild a happy/healthy marriage would be in their best interest.
We signed up to marriage counselling immediately and got to work. For the first 4 months or so, my husband was adamant that at some point he wanted to be friends with the other woman at some point, saying they had a long history of friendship and she was important to him and to the children (Yes, she was close to them and they were confused about why she suddenly vanished from their lives but of course they will move on and forget about her with time). It almost felt like he was using the children to keep bringing her up. Eventually I explained to him that he couldn’t have her in his life again that it was a non-starter if it meant rebuilding us and he accepted this and never brought her up again. We continued in marriage counselling for about 18 months and we left it feeling a lot more confident things will work out. We had better communication, better intimacy, more quality time together and so much time as a family.
I have never checked/snooped through my husbands phone throughout this entire time period. He told me he was going to end things with her and I trusted him. Last week, I asked to upload pictures from his phone that his parents had sent him and I was scrolling through chats to find when I noticed he had unblocked her and had attempted to send a message (just ‘hi’) but it went undelivered, presumably she still had him blocked. I could see from the date, he had just unblocked her recently having had her blocked for two years. I was so hurt seeing he still has her as a contact let alone trying to make contact with her. I didn’t want to immediately confront him and wanted to have some time to think about what I should do and I did keep tracks by checking his phone to see if their was any new activity and I also wanted to make sure that there was no signs of anything else happening over these past two years.
Well, it seems this is the only direct contact he has attempted to make but he had tried to reach out to her through her family but they ignored him. He made about three attempts at the start of this year before giving up. That was in Jan/Feb. Now it’s august and he tries to contact her directly. I also notice from his social media searches that he periodically looks her up, every few days (having created a fake account to look her up as she blocked him).
All of the behaviour i discovered is alarming but then just yesterday, I noticed that he has blocked her again? So he was curious and probably came to conclusion that it’s a bad idea and blocked her again? I don’t know what to make of it now
Tl;DR Husband seems to be making attempts to reconnect with woman he cheated with
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Logic implies he is looking for more good times!
I’d imagine it all ended without him getting the closure he needs.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sympathising or empathising with what he did, or suggesting this makes contacting her ok, but cheating being wrong doesn’t mean it wouldn’t leave him needing closure.
I’m sorry to say this, but he was not just curious. He was trying to reconnect, and only re-blocked her because she didn’t answer or reach out. It looks like he made at least four different attempts through different means to reach out to her, and check on her almost daily? He is still 100% in love with that woman and does not care how it affects his marriage with you. You guys did not work through it, you worked to find comfort and push aside the hurt, while he still be unfaithful to you in his heart.
It sounds like your husband’s behavior is a mix of curiosity and unresolved feelings, but the fact that he blocked her again shows some recognition that contacting her is wrong. This doesn’t erase the hurt or the trust issues, and it’s understandable to feel unsettled. You should have an honest conversation with him about why he felt the need to reach out and what boundaries are necessary for your marriage moving forward. Therapy or couples counseling could help address the lingering trust and temptation issues.
I think you need to confront him about how hurtful his behavior is and suggest that he get into individual counseling. He needs to identify why he’s trying to keep her in your family’s life. Why he’s willing to risk his marriage and his family to have this destructive influence in his life. He sounds very emotionally immature and messed up. Are you sure you want a marriage with a man who is not a safe partner? Is he committed to the marriage and family? Or did he just acquiesce under pressure? Why are you settling for 2nd place in his life? You deserve better.
I just read the title, but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out, does it?
info: was your idea and your idea solely that you could work through this and come out stronger? i’d love to know what his initial thoughts were. i feel like you alluded to him wanting to leave but can you say more?
He’s still attached to her, and if she didn’t have him blocked, he’d be communicating with her. This is why when somebody cheats it doesn’t really work to try and put things back together.
Come on now🙄
He’s trying to cheat again.