Hey so I (29F) have been dating this guy (31M) for quite a while, 8yrs. I love him, he is such a handsome perfect boyfriend. I’ve been working since I was 16, I’m a doctor now, I’m working on pharma and I have a pretty decent salary, still not enought to support a family. On the other side, my bf has been working on whatever he could since he was young. He comes from an ex-rich family. Basically when he was a teen his parents went in bankrupt and got a lot of debts. He couldn’t study, he started working and all the money went to pay those debts. 2yrs ago he got a job that payed him half of his college in case he wanted to study, so he started college while working, paying more of his family debts and getting (and paying for it) some medical operations he needed.
I’m ok with this situation, he is hard working, if he didn’t helped maybe his dad could have ended in jail… So I’m cool, we are saving, still living with our parents and we have plans to start living together next year when he finishes college.
But the problem is… His mum. Every. Single. Time. I see her she asks me the same: “hey, when are you two getting married? Darling the clock is ringing, I want grandkids, you better buy a house soon…”.
Now, Idk if I want kids, I can not think about it because his son was bussy PAYING HER F.KING DEBTS!
I need some advise for answering her. Something respectfull, yet drawing a line and making her stop. I usually just smile and say “yeah, soon…” acting like I was dumb bc I don’t know what to say. As I said I’m ok with our situation, but his mamma making this questions oh boy, it makes me mad… Because is nobody’s fault, but if there were a fault, it would be hers!!!
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Tell your bf so he can talk with her about it and make it less akward than if you do.
>I am not sure. We haven’t got that far and currently focused on other things first. I will let you know once we decide something. But right now we’re not deciding on anything.
Then leave it at that.
And then bring it up with your BF because if his mom needs corrected behaviour, he should be the one to address his own mom. He should be putting the foot down, not you.
What does your boyfriend say to his mum when she makes these comments? As it reads, you have a boyfriend problem just as much as a MIL problem and if you don’t address that, it’ll make for a miserable life. It’s not your job to put his mum in her place and if he isn’t doing that now, he probably never will
It’s your boyfriend that needs to shut down that chat. Does it subconsciously bother you as it has been 8 years and you guys still aren’t getting anywhere?
He’s such a perfect boyfriend that he doesn’t stop his mom from sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong.
ETA: You do realize that she wants y’all to buy a house so that his parents move in, right? RIGHT???
Further, you will watch a significant portion of household income go towards his parents, who are terrible with money.
It is past time that your boyfriend tells his mother – that he can’t afford anything since he has been paying for them. He has no future because of them.
“Well, as you know X struggled and made a lot of personal sacrifices to support you and the rest of the family throughout his 20s, and keep his father out of jail. Now that you are out of serious trouble, he and I can focus on building financial stability for our own future. We’re both too responsible to just do things impulsively without building up our savings first – because, you know, that could lead to bankruptcy, ha-ha! But don’t worry, we’ll get there – and I doubt it will take too long, after X finally gets his degree and starts bringing in a steady income to supplement mine. Trust me, when we’re ready to take the next step in our lives, you’ll be the first to know. Maybe you’ll even be in a position to help us out for a change!”
“Until we are in a financially secure position, it’s not particularly on our radar just yet.” Perhaps she will catch the drift, knowing she is the reason you’re not there yet.
Just say that you can’t marry him until he stops paying off her debt and can start contributing to a household of his own.
Your boyfriend isn’t perfect he’s being manipulated in paying his family debts. Tell the mom you’ll marry once he’s done paying your debts and saves some money. Simple be honest
“We’ll get married and have children as soon as boyfriend stops paying off your debts.” Just be straight with her – she doesn’t understand – or chooses to ignore – subtlety.
“My Partner and I will discuss having kids once he’s no longer paying off other people’s debt”
this is your boyfriend’s problem to solve. It’s his mom, it’s on him to shut this shit down.
If he refuses to, try this:
“Your son is still recovering from paying your debts, so we have no idea on our own house, if ever.”
“if we can ever afford kids, it’ll be after your son gets past paying your debts. So who knows!”
“We want kids, but we are really into anal right now. We’ll let you know if that changes.”
There needs to be real talk about $$$, however uncomfortable. About time for some independence. Clearly mom thinks his $$$ is hers forever. Like for her, the status quo is settled law, and she’s ready for her debut as grandma.
” We will get married if and when we want to, obviously not for some time since partner is still involved with assisting you financially. The same goes with kids. We will have them if we want them – no one is entitled to grandchildren.”
It’s ok to be firm when you’re just factual and closing out the conversation. When she persists, you just say, ” This would be a discussion for partner and I, not others to be involved in. “
End the conversation each time and discuss it no more. Your partner is doing a shit job at keeping her in check
It’s your bf’s job to manage his mother. He needs to step up.
You can just say you guys are not in the position to incur anymore debt and until you guys are more financially stable it’s not something you can consider right now. And you also need to have a discussion with your boyfriend that he needs to discuss with his mom more bluntly. As someone stated before though, be very careful and discuss with your boyfriend ahead of time what his and your and his parents expectations are of once you get married because it does sound like they would be interested in moving in to whatever home you guys would be able to purchase. You do not want these two people honing in on every aspect of your life especially with how irresponsible they are financially you want to be able to provide for your own family not theirs at the expense of your own.
She wants you married so she can feel entitled to your husband’s money with your joint finances. If and when you do get married, definitely pre-nup.
For noe, I’d answer, “We’re focusing on our own lives right now. If we ever get pregnant, you’ll be the first to know haha.”
Something light hearted.
Or, if you want a little dig
“When are you giving me a grand baby blahblah”
“We can’t spend the money to have kids or get married while all of our extra money goes towards taking care of pause, look her up and down other people. Our clock is fine and doesn’t need to be wound by you.”
Leave all this in your bfs lap and follow up with him to make sure he put in mom in her place
I’d tell her that your time table is not based on her desires. You’ll get married when you and your bf think it’s time to get married. That’s blunt, but it’s not disrespectful.
I don’t know how that will affect the relationship with your bf so maybe you can ask him to handle it, if she doesn’t do well with bluntness.
If he refuses then do what you have to do.
I’d let her know that you can’t afford kids because of the debt. She’s trying to guilt you. Turn that guilt back on her where it belongs
A doctor who typed “if he didn’t helped”?