When we met and started dating it seemed like such a smooth connection, everything about our interests, humor, displays of affection, and outlook on the future seemed to be aligned.
We got married, were doing ok with the start of covid, found out she’s pregnant and eventually became a dad. Honestly though, looking back there were some red flags I ignored and thought it was part of her awkwardness and anxiety that she had.
At some point in the first year of parenthood it felt more tense, little arguments started over minor things, it felt like a resentful wall was being put up and I convinced her to come to a couples therapist. This completely opened Pandora box.
Apparently we don’t see eye to eye on almost everything. We don’t really share similar interests. She thinks my humor is actually not funny to her and sometimes even thinks it’s an emotional attack against her. Even our sexual desires are basically oil and water.
So wtf? Apparently when she met me she thought I was really attractive and during dating she just “didn’t want to push me away” and continued on as normal secretly building frustration. Having a therapist to help her open up apparently meant unleashing emotional hell upon me.
Every difference we have now is grounds for arguement. If I ever try to explain myself it’s seen as making excuses, if she explains herself it’s getting me to understand her reasons. If I don’t accept her reasoning it’s because “I just want control over her”. The constant stand off feeling has also made her extremely defensive towards me, for example. We went shopping and I realized she was quite some distance behind me. I stopped with the cart out of the way and stood looking back. Nothing else, I was actually lost in thought about a big tent I saw, apparently I had a look I guess. She walks up and in a snappy aggressive tone says “what? Did I do something to you? Am I not fast enough?” And just keeps walking past.
In front of our kid were mostly cordial, just acting like happy mom and dad but I know they’ll grow up and I don’t know if we’ll be able to act happy enough to hide our real emotions. I don’t want to divorce for our kids sake, I would love to have a happy functioning relationship with a happy family but man… I’m just getting fking worn out.
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How long were you together before you got married? Do you feel like you rushed into things? Kids and marriage changes people, so did you go through any major ups and downs and life changes beforehand
I think your couples therapist pushed her the wrong way. It really was a shitty couples therapist, everything went downhill after going to him/her. That’s just my impression anyway.
How long were you together before you got married? What kind of social circles do you have? Friends? Family? What do your work lives look like? Division of home labor? What specifically are you disagreeing on? If she doesn’t like your humor, what kind of “jokes” are you making around her?
You’re saying a lot about her and how your relationship isn’t working but at the same time you were really unspecific.
Also, “I don’t want to divorce because of the kids.” Dude, don’t force yourself to stay in an unhealthy relationship because of kids. That rarely does them any favors.
You guys aren’t compatible. It’s that simple. Staying together for the kids is never a good idea either. Kids are sponges, and while you think you act normal in front of your kid, they will pick up on things no matter how well you hide. I think you know what you gotta do.
This doesn’t sound salvageable unless you get the hell away from that couple’s therapist. The top comment mentioned it but I agree. It seems like things started going sideways when you started going to them.
She was never a girl, she’s always been a woman. Did you not talk about anything prior to getting married? How long were you together before you got married? Don’t have any more kids FFS! Kids know way more than you realize. Don’t stay married for your son. Get therapy for yourself and go from there. Honestly, I don’t think there’s any way to come back from this. She is using you as her emotional punching bag. You don’t deserve that
I’d imagine the fact that you’re calling a 35 year old woman “girl” probably doesn’t help.
Never stay for the kids, all it will do is show them how NOT to have a functional loving relationship between two adults. If she’s icy, combative, irritated, critical, resentful, standoffish, & defensive all the time and especially just with you then it’s 1000% an issue of attraction. You can’t make a woman want to be with you when it’s that far gone. For whatever reason you are the villain in her story and the source of her unhappiness which is impossible to fix unless she wants to but the time to do that was likely years ago. Get your affairs in order, sit her down and offer one last shot at counseling with a different specialist if you feel you need to so for your own peace of mind and closure. If she refuses then protect yourself and your kid by leaving and divorcing.
“I don’t want to divorce for our kids sake”.
GTFO with that pathetic BS. Sorry. But that’s such a cop out. I despise that line.
Staying in broken, toxic marriages does far more harm to children than divorce does. Is your marriage what you want your children to grow up thinking is “normal”, and what relationships look like? Do you want your children to end up in a marriage like yours? Because they will if you stay. Your marriage will be their template that they follow.
You all should divorce. Two happy homes is better for children than one cold, miserable house.
This is not a marriage.
Your child deserves to have two parents who are concentrating on their happiness and wellbeing. Instead your wife is concentrating on everything that she dislikes about you and playing the victim.
You should not stay together because it WILL harm your child if you do.
You guys aren’t compatible and never were, she was just insane enough to try to have a relationship with you anyways. It will be rough, but divorce is your only real option here, unless you wanna spend the next 18 years redefining your life to fit whatever she feels like it should be.
That’s wild. With an ex of mine, I initially thought that we had a ton of things in common and would have a ton of fun sharing those common interests.
But we found out we really didn’t like 3 months in and ended things quickly.
I don’t have any advice, but my sympathies.
If your therapist is not holding her accountable for being a dick to you, find a new one.
Or maybe she’s dealing with postpartum depression and is it possible Some of your so Called humor IS an attack on her. My ex husband would make snarky “jokes” but they were hurtful
Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. True love is accepting your differences, working on being what your partner needs, and being committed to making it work. If y’all can’t do that then it will never work. From my own experience in couples therapy there is a huge storm (that takes a long time) before there is sunshine.
Aww this is a very sad sad post.
She’s not the girl you married because she was masking. Masking for that long is insane and unhealthy.
Before you marry someone, you do really have to interrogate them on values, morals, views on XYZ. It isn’t fun, or sexy or romantic but marriage is a legal contract. Having a child is an even greater commitment than marriage because at least if you divorce, you can leave.
This is a very shit situation.
Do you want to stay married? Does she want to stay married? If she loves you and wants to stay married she needs to figure out how to swallow down and move past things. If she can’t, divorce is your only choice.
Happy parents make happy kiddos. Kids know their parents are unhappy.